Six Songs

“Gentle on My Mind” Glen Campbell
I dip my cup of soup back from a gurglin’ cracklin’ cauldron
In some train yard
My beard a rustlin’ coal pile
And a dirty hat pulled low across my face
Through cupped hands ’round a tin can
I pretend to hold you to my breast and find
That you’re waitin’ from the back roads
By the rivers of my memory
Ever smilin’, ever gentle on my mind

I mean, they just don’t make them like this anymore.

“Dancing on My Own” Robyn
The amount of naked dancing I do alone in the apartment to this song is, frankly, dangerous.

(Yes, dangerous. If you were to see this naked dancing, you’d understand completely.)

“Where’d All the Time Go?” Dr. Dog
This whole album, Shame, Shame, is so incredible (and not just because it is the subtitle of my next memoir) that it’s hard to pick just one song to recommend. But this one gets the nod, if only because I love the line, “You know I get so forgetful/When I look in your eyes” (you guys know I’m a sucker for the sweet stuff). However, if you’re looking for something with a little more oomph to put a pep in your step, check out “Stranger.” ... read more

To me, summer means many things: the relentless heat, humidity and stink rising from the streets of NYC up to my fifth floor Lower East Side apartment; the obscene travel prices; the awkwardness of being the only guy at the beach with both a shirt and sweatpants on (I have really skinny legs); and, of course, summer reading.

Being a well-selling author and all, people constantly ask me for book recommendations. And I find it really, really annoying. So I figured I’d put all of my recommendations in one place and you could pick and choose which ones you like so I don’t have to keep repeating myself fifteen times a week. For more information, click through to the Amazon pages to read fuller descriptions of these books, which are listed alpha by author (and, coincidentally, by order of best handjobber).

ROCK AND ROLL WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE by Steve Almond
Yes, Steve Almond, my old writing teacher, provided a blurb for my book. But he also said that had I not taken his class pass/fail in college, he would have given me a C-. So we’re even. I’m recommending this book to you not because of the blurb, but because as someone who loves music, falls easily into obsessive behavior (just ask the Kings County Circuit Court), and enjoys a good laugh, I loved this book. If you match even two of the these traits, you will, too. And if you match ... read more

We’ve got some new book-related events coming up. Holla.

If you haven’t been to one of my readings before, how it works is that I show up (usually with a pretty solid buzz), I read a story or part of a story (usually one that I wrote, but who knows?), then we do a Q&A at the end. Everyone goes home happy, except me, who ends up masturbating in some strange hotel room while watching Pornhub clips on my iPhone. It’s a real experience, for sure.

At any rate, if you live in the following cities and are looking for something to do, come on out. Note that events in Cleveland, Chicago and Milwaukee are not so much “readings” but more “I’m taking a week off and road tripping/getting drunk in each of these cities, but in order to write off the entire trip come tax time, I have to say it was in support of my book, so if anyone asks, I did a reading.” This also means that there will be no books for sale at these events – we’re meeting in a bar, after all – so you should buy a copy in advance and bring it with you (if you show up at my event without a copy of the book, I’ll fucking strangle you) (and not even in the sexual way) (probably). Finally, the NJ Shore reading (and LA reading, which I’ve mentioned before but I’m reminding you about again) ... read more

(via nataliedee.com)

A lady love of mine emailed me this picture today, because it sent her into hysterics. I’ll explain.

As you might imagine – and I’m sure many of you imagine this quite a lot – I am a very, ahem, unique lover. Not so much in the actual execution of the love-making – I’ve written before that my process of seduction is i) start making out, ii) count (in my head) to 30, and iii) stick it in – but rather in everything surrounding the love-making, including how to make it happen. Which, I guess for our purposes, we’ll call my Arsenal (with a capital A, of course).

For example, one of my perhaps less-endearing go-to’s in my Arsenal is derived from the theme song of the Monday Night Football, which climaxes (get it?) with Hank Williams, Jr. bellowing, “Are you ready for some football???” (If you are not familiar with the song, you can go to the 45 second mark in this video to hear the line in question. Also, welcome to Earth.)

When I am in the mood for sexual intercourse, I will often announce this to whatever lady love I am involved with by imitating Hank and scream-singing at her (wait for it), “Are you ready for some fucking???” There is also almost always a dance involved, sometimes in the nude, and occasionally I will add lyrics after ... read more

Hear ye, hear ye: the 12th Annual Flood-Mulgrew “Drink Until You Shit!” tour will take place on Saturday, July 10 in North Wildwood, NJ. We will start at 3pm at Casey’s at Third and New York and go from there, before we end our pub crawl where so many pub crawls in the greater Philadelphia area end: Wawa. As in years past, t-shirts will be available for purchase. As in years past, they’re fucking awesome.

I gotta be honest – it’s gonna be tough to top last year’s DUYS. At the time, I was living in LA and the tour was around my 30th b-day, so I convinced about ten or so friends to come down from NYC and join the tour. Thusly, we took over almost an entire floor of a beachfront motel and really ripped it up. However, this year, familiarity breeds contempt: my NYC buddies see me all the time, and so they are no longer inclined to brave the weekend shore traffic just to watch me get drunk by the beach. Also, this year’s tour is a week before my 31st birthday. Not sexy at all (both the birthday and me).

However, as the case every year, I’m still looking forward to DUYS. I mean, how often do I get the chance to get drunk with many of my oldest friends and my family, nearly all of whom ... read more