1) I got the mail today and in it was the new Maxim with Elisha Cuthbert (from “24″) on the cover, and I swear that I almost started playing with myself right there in the lobby. Good lord. Two words: wow and wow. I might have to start watching “24″, or start watching her at night, from the bushes, outside her home. I hope she doesn’t have dogs.

2) Gatorade is so far superior to Powerade that I’m actually embarrassed for the Powerade people. Really. I mean, they have to know this.

Now for the two greatest shows in television history: “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee” and “Average Joe 2″. God bless and good night.

Last night, I decided to do something a little different and I got bombed with some friends. I called my friend Nicole wasted from a deli at about 2:45am. What follows is a transcription of the message:

“Hey Nicole, it’s me, it’s Jason. I was just calling to see what’s up because I am so retarded right now!!!! Biatch! Hey hold on one second – [to deli worker] yeah, that’s got extra cheese right? and can you make sure to melt the cheese? thanks – [back to Nicole's voicemail] so anyway, give me a call if you get a chance. I’ll be up for a little while. Talk to you tomorrow. Biatch!!”

I can’t believe I’m single.