The song “As” by Stevie Wonder may be the greatest song of all-time. The first time I heard this song I was at, um, an a capella show.

Now, before you pass judgement – let me explain: an ex-girlfriend of mine was in an a capella group in college, and as a good boyfriend, I went to see her perform. This is really an entirely different post, because I need a lot of space to describe the torment I felt over seeing her not only singing a capella songs, which in itself is just really…uncomfortable, but also watching her performing the percussion parts in these a capella songs. Talk about a deal breaker. No man should have to watch his girlfriend doing a much cornier version of the beat-box. How are you supposed to feel the same about someone after you’ve watched them make those stupid beat-box noises to the Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams”? Or after going on vacation with them and listening to the group’s tapes every single time you drove around in the car? I swear to god – about twelve minutes in, I was seriously considering just driving the fucking car into a telephone poll just to make that music stop (it was a rental anyway, and if I angled it the right way, I could have probably minimized any serious injury). I should stop – I’m getting chills (not the good ones) just thinking about it.

But anyway, but this other a capella group from Stanford performed at this show I was at and did “As” and it was unreal (yeah, I know, I know – I’m gay because I liked it. While we’re at it, I love George Michael and Abba. So fuck y’all.). I thought to myself, “I’ve got to hear the original of that song, but it’s going to be hard to top that version.”

But I was wrong. If you haven’t heard this song, please listen to it. Remember while you listen to it that some blind dude wrote it. Think about it: he can’t see shit! Nothing! And he wrote this incredible song (and a bunch of others too)! There are mornings when I am so hungover that I need my roommates to help me tie my shoes or wash my hair, and this guy who doesn’t know a $100 bill from a $1 bill is one of the greatest musicians of all-time. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

[Well, not really. I just sort of said that.]

My family is so happy that I’m taking Russian (notice that I used the word taking, as in “paying for and attending the class”, as opposed to learning, as in “getting a fucking return on the goddamn $600 I spent on the stupid class”). And, as I mentioned previously, I really, really suck at it, but I don’t have the heart to tell them that. Last night I was on the phone with my mom after my Russian class and it came up, and she asked me how to say, “How are you?” in Russian. Of course, I don’t know how to say this in Russian, since I spend the entire class sweating and scribbling in my notebook, trying to look busy so that the teacher will not call on me.

But rather than tell her that, I just made up some gibberish: “Um, that’s sprasheemaya hatoi.” I was hoping that it would end there, but she was delighted, and asked, “Well, how do you say ‘Good morning’”? Again, no idea, so again: “That’s dashalichtna.”

She relented finally, but then my little sister got on the phone and really started quizzing me, asking me lots and lots of pointless phrases. So , fyi, if anyone talks to my sister (though I don’t know why you would, you bastards), Ya atduchal veemoi is “I love you”, Ya vyesnoi vcyhera magda is “I don’t like to go to school”, Nalaga chyetal means “shut up”, and Oochmyer is “shit.”

Thank you for your cooperation in this. I owe you one.