Articles Archive for 16 March 2004
I’m not going to say anything about “Average Joe: Adam Returns” because I think it stinks. And I won’t say anything mean about the women on the show like, “You knew you were going to be on TV – couldn’t you have gone to the tanning salon? Or maybe did an extra fifteen minutes on the treadmill? Or at least lightened up on the carbs just a little?” because that would be wrong.
But God help everyone if I were ever put on a show where a bunch of women fawned over me like they did over Adam last night. I would hit the booze so hard my family would never speak to me again. And the elimination ceremony? Would we even need one? I’d just stand up there and say, “Alright – let’s get this over with so I can get my handjob asap. Chubby 1, Chubby 2, and Chubby 3 – later. Next week, we’re getting rid of the ugly bitches. And when the hot girls come from Vegas, well, just try to make the most of your stay here. If you need me, I’ll be in my room watching porno, smoking hashish and drinking brandy. I expect to see some of you. And remember – the freakier you are, the longer you stick around. Good evening.”
But God help everyone if I were ever put on a show where a bunch of women fawned over me like they did over Adam last night. I would hit the booze so hard my family would never speak to me again. And the elimination ceremony? Would we even need one? I’d just stand up there and say, “Alright – let’s get this over with so I can get my handjob asap. Chubby 1, Chubby 2, and Chubby 3 – later. Next week, we’re getting rid of the ugly bitches. And when the hot girls come from Vegas, well, just try to make the most of your stay here. If you need me, I’ll be in my room watching porno, smoking hashish and drinking brandy. I expect to see some of you. And remember – the freakier you are, the longer you stick around. Good evening.”
My dad called me last night because he had a technology question. He’s interested in getting an all-in-one printer/fax machine/copier for his computer.
You should know these three things about my dad:
1) My dad is out of work (he got hurt at work). When he did work, he was a mechanic and longshoreman.
2) My dad has four tattoos.
3) My dad knows how to turn the computer on, but pretty much that’s where his computer knowledge ends.
Actually, one time when he first got his computer (when I was in college), I had an IM conversation with him that was and still is the slowest IM conversation ever:
Dad (8:42:41pm): “Hey Jas – how’s it going?”
Me (8:42:56pm): “Good – hey, the new computer’s up and running.”
…
Dad (8:53:11pm): “Yeah. It works pretty good. I like it.”
Me (8:53:20pm): “Nice. How is everything else going?”
…
Dad (9:07:25pm): “Pretty good. Megan got her report card. She did good. First honors.”
Me (9:07:33pm): “Good for her.”
…
Dad (9:21:48pm): “Yeah.”
Me (9:22:15 pm): “Well, I’m going to get going. Talk to you later.”
…
Dad (10:08:33pm): “Later.”
If someone said to me, “Quick, name the person who could least use an all-in-one printer/fax machine/copier”, I would without hesitation say “my dad”. Though I’m not that familiar with their cultures, I can still say without a shred of doubt that there are Amish people and Congolese villagers that would probably have more of a need for a printer/fax machine/copier than my dad.
So why does he want it? Because it’s a gadget and it’s on sale.
Dad, if you read this (which you won’t), please just send me the $250 that you would spend on this machine. I promise I will put it to good use – $250 worth of pot. Thank you. Your oldest child, Jason.
You should know these three things about my dad:
1) My dad is out of work (he got hurt at work). When he did work, he was a mechanic and longshoreman.
2) My dad has four tattoos.
3) My dad knows how to turn the computer on, but pretty much that’s where his computer knowledge ends.
Actually, one time when he first got his computer (when I was in college), I had an IM conversation with him that was and still is the slowest IM conversation ever:
Dad (8:42:41pm): “Hey Jas – how’s it going?”
Me (8:42:56pm): “Good – hey, the new computer’s up and running.”
…
Dad (8:53:11pm): “Yeah. It works pretty good. I like it.”
Me (8:53:20pm): “Nice. How is everything else going?”
…
Dad (9:07:25pm): “Pretty good. Megan got her report card. She did good. First honors.”
Me (9:07:33pm): “Good for her.”
…
Dad (9:21:48pm): “Yeah.”
Me (9:22:15 pm): “Well, I’m going to get going. Talk to you later.”
…
Dad (10:08:33pm): “Later.”
If someone said to me, “Quick, name the person who could least use an all-in-one printer/fax machine/copier”, I would without hesitation say “my dad”. Though I’m not that familiar with their cultures, I can still say without a shred of doubt that there are Amish people and Congolese villagers that would probably have more of a need for a printer/fax machine/copier than my dad.
So why does he want it? Because it’s a gadget and it’s on sale.
Dad, if you read this (which you won’t), please just send me the $250 that you would spend on this machine. I promise I will put it to good use – $250 worth of pot. Thank you. Your oldest child, Jason.