Articles Archive for 29 March 2004
Someone is eating some sort of seafood dish for lunch, and the entire fucking office stinks. But it doesn’t smell like someone is eating seafood – it smells like someone has taken a bushel of live crabs, popped off the lid, and is throwing the fucking crabs all over the place, smashing them against the walls and ceiling. I can almost see the smell coming under my office door and attaching itself to my clothes.
The best part is that I have some stupid meeting this afternoon where I’m supposed to meet some people, which is good, because I don’t have enough trouble getting people to like me on my own – now I have to do so smelling like the fucking bay.
God damn it.
The best part is that I have some stupid meeting this afternoon where I’m supposed to meet some people, which is good, because I don’t have enough trouble getting people to like me on my own – now I have to do so smelling like the fucking bay.
God damn it.
You know it’s a good night when:
1) You go to the ATM to take out $100, and you have insufficient funds. Then, the bargaining begins: $80 – insufficient funds. Ok, how about $60? Insufficient funds. $40? Insufficient funds. Sweet.
(For any ladies out there who were considering possibly making out with me but now have rescinded their interest because I am poor, I would like to set the record straight and say that I am not poor, but rather I keep all of my money in my savings account and forgot to transfer it to checking. So there.)
2) You throw your credit card up on the bar, and when ordering a drink toward the end of the night…
Me: “I’ll have a two bud lights and a vodka tonic – my card is up – Jason Mulgrew.”
Bartender: “You are the Jason Mulgrew?”
Me: “Um, yeah.”
Bartender: “No, the Jason Mulgrew?”
Me: “Yes, yes – what does that mean?”
Bartender: “A lot of people have been ordering drinks on your tab.”
Result: $186.
Fucking deadbeat friends.
3) Finally, you get home, and you and your friends order $41 worth of food from the hot dog place. Not the pizza place or the diner – the fucking hot dog place. Hot dogs are like $2. To add insult to injury, they have to deliver the order in a giant cardboard box. The delivery guy might as well have said, “They don’t make bags big enough for you fattys, so we had to put your shit in a box. Hmm, any ladies in there with you all? Wow – surprisingly, no. Anyway, have a good night, and enjoy your four chili dogs, four bacon cheddar dogs, three orders of cheese fries, three orders of mac and cheese, and whatever the hell else you have – that’s only the top layer; I can’t see what’s buried underneath.”
1) You go to the ATM to take out $100, and you have insufficient funds. Then, the bargaining begins: $80 – insufficient funds. Ok, how about $60? Insufficient funds. $40? Insufficient funds. Sweet.
(For any ladies out there who were considering possibly making out with me but now have rescinded their interest because I am poor, I would like to set the record straight and say that I am not poor, but rather I keep all of my money in my savings account and forgot to transfer it to checking. So there.)
2) You throw your credit card up on the bar, and when ordering a drink toward the end of the night…
Me: “I’ll have a two bud lights and a vodka tonic – my card is up – Jason Mulgrew.”
Bartender: “You are the Jason Mulgrew?”
Me: “Um, yeah.”
Bartender: “No, the Jason Mulgrew?”
Me: “Yes, yes – what does that mean?”
Bartender: “A lot of people have been ordering drinks on your tab.”
Result: $186.
Fucking deadbeat friends.
3) Finally, you get home, and you and your friends order $41 worth of food from the hot dog place. Not the pizza place or the diner – the fucking hot dog place. Hot dogs are like $2. To add insult to injury, they have to deliver the order in a giant cardboard box. The delivery guy might as well have said, “They don’t make bags big enough for you fattys, so we had to put your shit in a box. Hmm, any ladies in there with you all? Wow – surprisingly, no. Anyway, have a good night, and enjoy your four chili dogs, four bacon cheddar dogs, three orders of cheese fries, three orders of mac and cheese, and whatever the hell else you have – that’s only the top layer; I can’t see what’s buried underneath.”