1) While returning to the office from lunch, I ran into my friend Sara, who works nearby, with two of her (attractive) female coworkers who I had never met before. I hadn’t seen her in a while, and we had this conversation:

Me: “Hey Sara!”
Sara: “Oh hey Jason! How are you?”
Me: “Ok, ok.”
Sara: “Jason, this is Tabby and Kiera – they work with me at [company name].”
Me: “Nice to meet you guys.”
Tabby & Kiera: “Nice to meet you.”
Sara: “So Jason, I haven’t seen you in ages. How are things? You look good – have you been working out?”

Let’s stop right here.

Now, I could have said something normal like, “Yeah, I’m trying” or “Sometimes” or anything. But, flabbergasted because someone has directed the words “you look good” and “have you been working out?” at me for the first time in my life, instead:

Me: “Well, you know, I’ve been throwing up after I eat, so I don’t get the calories or the fat or anything. It’s called ‘bulimia.’ So far, so good.”

What is most sad about this whole thing is not that I keep saying stupid things like this, but that I keep getting so disappointed when the stupid jokes don’t get the warm and welcome response that I want them to.

I mean, really, I’m talking to a girl I kind of know, and two girls I don’t know, and I’m making jokes about bulimia? What do I expect them to do – laugh hysterically and then say, “Oh, Sara, your friend is hilarious – let’s take him into that alley over there and blow the shit out of him!” C’mon.

2) There’s a woman who works in my building, and I swear, from the first time we saw each other, we were both sending out vibes. I don’t know her name or what department she works in, but every time we ran into each other, you could tell there was a little something, a little glimmer of interest, between us.

Well, I just saw her a minute ago. And she’s pregnant.

Real perceptive, asshole.

3) There is a link on cnn.com that says “Web site helps poor find cheap drugs.”

Very misleading.

There’s another link that says, “Study: frequent sex may cut cancer risk.” So does that mean that no sex will increase the risk of getting cancer? Because I’d like to add that to my arsenal:

Me: “Why don’t we go back to my place?
Girl: “I don’t think so.”
Me: “Why not? Do you want me to get cancer? You are a shrew.”

It has come to my attention that this site is now being tracked by Google. In an effort to draw some new readers, I present to you a completely random list of terms frequently searched on the internet [warning, the following language is explicit]:

Cock ass adult balls sex porno nude pics jizz naked pictures big tits pornography fuck shit pussy hardcore freaky penis cunt video tities sexual pubes cum cockass boob whores semen vagina dick shots sex with a horse sex with a dog doggy style Paris Hilton sex video Pamela Anderson Tommy Lee sex video download Anna Kournikova nude pics Janet Jackson breast pics Britney Spears nude Jessica Simpson naked pictures Christina Aguilera dirty New York City Song lyrics Phish Howard Stern New York Yankees Humor American Idol baseball apartments in Manhattan basketball football hockey soccer recipes the Beatles florists Lower East Side Friend’s final episode college admission tips MTV

This is all I can come up with now. If you have any more, please let me know.

And please, continue to pass this on to anyone who you think might find it funny. I would really like to get a BJ out of this, but we’re approaching the two month mark of this site, and I’ve got nothing to show for it, except for the occasional email from a distant friend saying, “Dude, are you alright?” or “If you ever need to talk to anyone, you know I’m here for you” or “Suicide is the coward’s way out – you’re not a coward, are you?”