The doorknob on the bathroom on my floor is broken, so that whenever you try to get out of the bathroom, you need to play with it (the doorknob) for a few seconds to get it to open.

I know this, because it happens every single time I use the bathroom.

But still, every time I make that first grab at it (again, the doorknob) and it doesn’t work, I still freak the fuck out, and spend the next five to eight seconds thinking, “Holy shit I’m locked in! Holy shit I’m locked in! What am I gonna do? WHAT AM I GONNA DO? FUCK!” and then the doorknob gives and I breathe a sigh of relief and go back to work (rather, I go back to the internet).

This happens every single day, sometimes three times a day.

What is so wrong with me that I can’t say to myself, “Dude, relax- you’re not locked in the bathroom – it’ll give after a few seconds. Fatass.”

I guess this is what that whole therapy thing is supposed to figure out (that and giving me a bunch of pills that I can sell to my friends).

[Tomorrow is Good Friday, the most solemn of the Christian holy days. I won't be posting, since I have off. For those of you who don't have off – I don't feel bad. You probably shouldn't be working for a pagan company anyway.]

1) In Russian class last night, we were divided into two groups, and we were supposed to be freely conversing with each other. My instructor, a 35 year-old Siberian broad, was standing over the other group listening in when one of the guys in my group asked me (in Russian) if I have a wife.

Hearing this questions posed, my teacher immediately came over to my group, in time to hear me say, “No, I don’t have a wife” (actually, since I said this in Russian and not in English, I probably actually said something like, “No, talk the onion down please – my father is Jewish”). But I at least got the “No” part out, and she said to the group, “I wanted to hear the answer to that question, because it is an important one” and smiled her big Russian smile as the rest class made an “Oooh” noise as in “Oooh…the teacher likes Jason!”

So that’s good. My Russian teacher likes me. At least I’ve got that going for me.

2) I was watching TV last night and they showed some footage of Chris Robinson, singer of the Black Crowes (who looks a lot like Jesus, but smokes way more pot than Jesus ever did) with his beautiful wife Kate Hudson (who is also ten or so years younger than him). I thought to myself, “What is she doing with him?”

But then I realized – isn’t this the greatest compliment a guy can receive? When someone says that about you, haven’t you “made it”? Obviously, you must be doing something right, probably many things right, in order to have someone say that about you.

I mean, really – is there any truer measure of a success for a man than, “What is that gorgeous self-respecting woman do with that guy?”

I think not. Congratulations – you win.