Anna,

Hey, it’s me – Jason. Listen, I want to congratulate you on your recent tremendous weight loss. You look great, even more than great, and that Trimspa is a miracle worker.

I also want to apologize for saying all those mean things about you when you were a little overweight. You know I didn’t mean it when I called you a “cow” and said that it looked like you had been “eating dynamite” and that you were a “waste of beauty.” These things were said at a time in my life when I had a lot going on, and I wasn’t as emotionally mature as I am now. And of course, had I known that you would have lost all that weight and returned to your beautiful self, I never would have said those things in the first place.

So if you ever are in NYC and want to hang out, give me a call. I’ve just moved into a new place, and I’d love for you to check it out. I have been writing a lot of music on my guitar as well as working on my poetry. And like you, I’ve lost some weight recently.

Ok, that line about me losing weight is a lie, but I’ve always believed that it’s what’s on the inside that matters, even if what’s on the inside is buried beneath layers upon layers of fat, hair, and stink. And that’s why I admire you so much Anna, because through it all, fat and thin, famous and infamous, dumb and dumb, you remained true to the person you really are. And over the years I have come to love that person. Not so much when you were obese, but when you were hot.

So again, if you are in NYC anytime soon, give me a ring. We can get some Tasti D-Lite (it’s low fat!), take a walk in Central Park, and, if you are so inclined, have sex in my very own shower (which, might I add, is wiped pube-free by yours truly every morning).

Until then, I hope all is well with you, and I’ll talk to you soon.

Yours in Christ,
Jason

I just had to give a presentation to my co-workers about an Excel sheet that I use on a regular basis, which I have to help them get familiar with.

Long story short, the sheet has two colors in the header row: green and orange. Orange rows I fill in data for. Green rows the computer programs automates data for. I did not pick these colors – our IT guy did when he set up the sheet.

When I explained the colors to the group, one of my (male) co-workers interrupted and said the colors were not orange and green, but “pumpkin” and “lime.”

Good lord.

Real men should know the following colors and the following colors only: black, white, silver, gray, gold, red, blue, green, white, purple, orange, yellow, brown.

That’s it.

“Light” and “dark” can prefix these colors, but that’s all. No exceptions.

If you know more colors, you are a total pussy.

Thank you.