Articles Archive for 29 June 2004
My friend sent me this article this morning, and I have had an erection for the past four hours. Seriously, it’s starting to hurt.
[Don't be afraid to click on it - it's not pornographic. Honestly.]
I’ve been thinking about how I can write about this for a while now, and I’ve decided that it’s not possible to express the mish-mash of emotions flowing through my body (and genitals) right now.
A hot 23 year-old woman was busted for having sex with her 14 year-old male student.
This was at one time EVERY straight male’s fantasy. I still can’t get around it, so I’m going to write it again:
A hot 23 year-old woman was busted for having sex with her 14 year-old male student.
[I know she's not "hot" in the traditional sense, but she's certainly hot enough given the circumstances]
This kid is the luckiest kid in the world. There is not an ounce of overstatement in that sentence. If you don’t believe me, you can ask any guy, and he’ll tell you the same.
Do you know what I would have given at the age of 14 to have sex with my hot, blond 23 year-old teacher? The answer: anything and everything. Seriously, I can’t think of one thing I wouldn’t have done to have made this happen. Deal with Devil? Where do I sign? Armed Robbery? You would prefer I use a .44 or a .38? Grand theft auto? Camaro or Mustang? Racially-motivated murder? Pick the ethnicity – I’ll even kill a middle class Irish Catholic if I can get an additional handjob out of it.
The sad thing is that from this point forward this kid’s life can only get worse. There’s not much higher on the “awesome scale” than banging a hot 23 year-old when you just got pubes. Sure, he’ll undoubtedly be worshipped for the rest of his life:
[At college orientation]
New roommate: “Hi, I’m Mike.”
Kid who banged the 23 year-old: “Hi, I’m John. I’m the guy who, when he was 14, fucked that hot 23 year-old chick.”
New roommate: “We are going to get so much free beer and pussy, I think I’m having a seizure.”
[At job interview]
Possible employer: “Well John, your resume looks pretty standard to me. What can you tell me about yourself that sets you apart from your peers?”
Kid who banged the 23 year-old: “Well sir – I don’t think any of my peers was banging a hot 23 year-old woman in a car with his cousin watching when he was 14.”
Possible employer: “Congratulations – you’re my new Executive VP. High-five!”
[At work]
CEO selling his company: “I don’t think I want to sell this company to you John. Your financial statements are a mess and you have nasty body odor. I don’t think I trust the jobs of my current employees in your hands.”
Kid who banged the 23 year-old: “Listen Reg, when I had just gotten pubes I banged my 23 year-old married hot teacher. And you don’t think I can buy and successfully operate your little company?”
CEO selling company: “You know what? Just take it. Take it for free. And god bless you. You are a hero to men everywhere.”
But it simply can not get any better than it was for him when he was banging the older chick. Is winning the lottery better? Nope. Winning the Super Bowl? Nope. Watching your children being born? You’re joking, right? I would gladly have traded any of these things to be able to have sex with a hot woman when I was 14.
The loser in all of this is this woman’s husband (you can check out pictures of the happy couple here). It’s one thing to be cheated on, which sucks. It’s another to hear, “Hi Honey – listen, can you come down to jail to pick me up? I’ve been sleeping with only of my 14 year-old students, and I got busted. So yeah, whenever you get the chance if you could swing by that’d be great.”
But conversely, his life can only get better –
You know what – I can’t lie. You really can’t recover from something that bad. My only advice to the husband is to do it in the tub, and when you cut, cut along the length of your forearm, not sideways through the wrist.
By my god…I still can’t get over this, and I apologize for being inarticulate. 23 years-old? When you’re 14? I think I need a bathroom break.
[Don't be afraid to click on it - it's not pornographic. Honestly.]
I’ve been thinking about how I can write about this for a while now, and I’ve decided that it’s not possible to express the mish-mash of emotions flowing through my body (and genitals) right now.
A hot 23 year-old woman was busted for having sex with her 14 year-old male student.
This was at one time EVERY straight male’s fantasy. I still can’t get around it, so I’m going to write it again:
A hot 23 year-old woman was busted for having sex with her 14 year-old male student.
[I know she's not "hot" in the traditional sense, but she's certainly hot enough given the circumstances]
This kid is the luckiest kid in the world. There is not an ounce of overstatement in that sentence. If you don’t believe me, you can ask any guy, and he’ll tell you the same.
Do you know what I would have given at the age of 14 to have sex with my hot, blond 23 year-old teacher? The answer: anything and everything. Seriously, I can’t think of one thing I wouldn’t have done to have made this happen. Deal with Devil? Where do I sign? Armed Robbery? You would prefer I use a .44 or a .38? Grand theft auto? Camaro or Mustang? Racially-motivated murder? Pick the ethnicity – I’ll even kill a middle class Irish Catholic if I can get an additional handjob out of it.
The sad thing is that from this point forward this kid’s life can only get worse. There’s not much higher on the “awesome scale” than banging a hot 23 year-old when you just got pubes. Sure, he’ll undoubtedly be worshipped for the rest of his life:
[At college orientation]
New roommate: “Hi, I’m Mike.”
Kid who banged the 23 year-old: “Hi, I’m John. I’m the guy who, when he was 14, fucked that hot 23 year-old chick.”
New roommate: “We are going to get so much free beer and pussy, I think I’m having a seizure.”
[At job interview]
Possible employer: “Well John, your resume looks pretty standard to me. What can you tell me about yourself that sets you apart from your peers?”
Kid who banged the 23 year-old: “Well sir – I don’t think any of my peers was banging a hot 23 year-old woman in a car with his cousin watching when he was 14.”
Possible employer: “Congratulations – you’re my new Executive VP. High-five!”
[At work]
CEO selling his company: “I don’t think I want to sell this company to you John. Your financial statements are a mess and you have nasty body odor. I don’t think I trust the jobs of my current employees in your hands.”
Kid who banged the 23 year-old: “Listen Reg, when I had just gotten pubes I banged my 23 year-old married hot teacher. And you don’t think I can buy and successfully operate your little company?”
CEO selling company: “You know what? Just take it. Take it for free. And god bless you. You are a hero to men everywhere.”
But it simply can not get any better than it was for him when he was banging the older chick. Is winning the lottery better? Nope. Winning the Super Bowl? Nope. Watching your children being born? You’re joking, right? I would gladly have traded any of these things to be able to have sex with a hot woman when I was 14.
The loser in all of this is this woman’s husband (you can check out pictures of the happy couple here). It’s one thing to be cheated on, which sucks. It’s another to hear, “Hi Honey – listen, can you come down to jail to pick me up? I’ve been sleeping with only of my 14 year-old students, and I got busted. So yeah, whenever you get the chance if you could swing by that’d be great.”
But conversely, his life can only get better –
You know what – I can’t lie. You really can’t recover from something that bad. My only advice to the husband is to do it in the tub, and when you cut, cut along the length of your forearm, not sideways through the wrist.
By my god…I still can’t get over this, and I apologize for being inarticulate. 23 years-old? When you’re 14? I think I need a bathroom break.
I want all of you to be my witnesses: if I ever fall ill on the subway and thus risk lengthening the commute for millions of New Yorkers, please drag me off the subway train and shoot me to death.
This morning, because of a “sick passenger” at Grand Central station, the 4-5-6 trains (which service the entire East Side of NYC) were massively delayed. My commute, which should take 30 minutes, took 90 minutes.
It was to say the least the worst experience of my entire life. The stations were packed with a mass of sweaty, angry, and tired people, pushing, shoving, and arguing with each other. I was standing near a woman and her, oh about twelve or so children, when she screamed to her boy about 8 years old:
Mom: “I’m telling you Cleo – I don’t give a fuck. If someone pushes you, you push them right the fuck back!”
Boy: “That’s what I’m doing Mom!”
This exchanged thus replaced the murder of the super hot Laci Peterson as the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
[My dad's quote after learning about the Laci Peterson case: "I mean, I could see killing your wife, but killing your unborn child? That just ain't right." I guess I'll never know why my parents got divorced.]
So seriously, if I present any possibly delay to the commuters, even if I only have so much as a cough, drag my fat ass off the train and shoot me three times: once in the heart and twice in the crotch, because I don’t want any grave-robbers stealing my genitals as I will surely need them in the afterlife.
This continues a rough stretch for the NYC subway, as yesterday the fourth shooting in a month occurred at Wall Street station at 4pm, which is only one stop away from my work.
So a message to the MTA: Guys, let’s get it together here. The delays, the shootings…what’s going on? Who the hell is running the show over there? Because, honestly, I am only one more delayed commute from losing my shit on the train. Now you can’t say you haven’t been warned.
This morning, because of a “sick passenger” at Grand Central station, the 4-5-6 trains (which service the entire East Side of NYC) were massively delayed. My commute, which should take 30 minutes, took 90 minutes.
It was to say the least the worst experience of my entire life. The stations were packed with a mass of sweaty, angry, and tired people, pushing, shoving, and arguing with each other. I was standing near a woman and her, oh about twelve or so children, when she screamed to her boy about 8 years old:
Mom: “I’m telling you Cleo – I don’t give a fuck. If someone pushes you, you push them right the fuck back!”
Boy: “That’s what I’m doing Mom!”
This exchanged thus replaced the murder of the super hot Laci Peterson as the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
[My dad's quote after learning about the Laci Peterson case: "I mean, I could see killing your wife, but killing your unborn child? That just ain't right." I guess I'll never know why my parents got divorced.]
So seriously, if I present any possibly delay to the commuters, even if I only have so much as a cough, drag my fat ass off the train and shoot me three times: once in the heart and twice in the crotch, because I don’t want any grave-robbers stealing my genitals as I will surely need them in the afterlife.
This continues a rough stretch for the NYC subway, as yesterday the fourth shooting in a month occurred at Wall Street station at 4pm, which is only one stop away from my work.
So a message to the MTA: Guys, let’s get it together here. The delays, the shootings…what’s going on? Who the hell is running the show over there? Because, honestly, I am only one more delayed commute from losing my shit on the train. Now you can’t say you haven’t been warned.