I have been sitting here all day completely amazed and captivated by the website of the former WWF superstar, the Ultimate Warrior.

Know equally as being the only man to beat Hulk Hogan fairly (in the unforgettable Wrestlemania VI) and the Halloween costume for Jason Mulgrew for 1989, apparently the Ultimate Warrior is now a die-hard conservative. He even spoke recently to the students at Penn State at an event organized by the Young Americans for Freedom, also known as “Losers I Can’t Be Friends With.”

Why the hell is the Ultimate Warrior (who used to look like this) giving speeches about conservatism? In his words, “To inspire activists … to get people who previously haven’t paid attention to politics to start paying attention, and lastly to piss liberals off.”

If I may: what the fuck?

He even is trying to start a movement, called Generation Warrior. Here’s a snippet:

Society being but a collective of its individuals, its strength is only as strong as its weakest ones. Warrior individuals know that to counterbalance those who will take the path of least resistance — and in turn do their best by society — they must actualize the best of their Creator endowed selves. They do this not for the benefit of its weaker people (although all benefit) but to establish a greater province of safety for themselves and their loved ones, and to insure the continuance of mankind’s moral evolution, and to secure, for posterity’s sake, the continued bequeathment of man’s traditions and traditional history…

…Generation Warrior is the intellectual movement of that body of people recognizing this and educating others about it. And, is the humanly powered movement that fathers and mothers each successive generation of these warrior individuals.

He closes his missive with:

Mankind Survives by its Leaders.
All Leaders are Warriors.
Mankind Survives by its Warriors.

Wow.

He also offers, for the nomial fee of $150, a training program called “Warrior OneonOne.” If you fill out a detailed questionnaire, as well as send three photos, the Ultimate Warrior himself with send you a cassette tape of his voice, with instructions to better your work-out routine and diet plan.

I think I know what I want for my birthday.

You’ve got to check this out. It’s amazing. And I have to stop looking at it, as I haven’t moved from my chair for almost three hours. I mean, wow.

I got a haircut yesterday and it’s completely uneven. This is what I get for going to SuperCuts. But I don’t care much about my rapidly-fleeing hair (another reason I need to get married asap), and a near deal-breaker for me is any guy who either a) spends more than $30 for a haircut; or b) wears an obnoxious amount of “product” in his hair. I can’t be friends with these people. If you have highlights in your hair, or “tips”, and you’re straight, someone should take you into a field and beat you with a sock full of screws, nails, and bolts. After the beating, a group of angry and horny dogs should be let upon you and called off only when you realized how ridiculous you look with your multi-colored hair.

Anyway, I used to have my friend Annie cut my hair, but that quote-unquote “had to stop.” I’m not sure exactly why, but I’m thinking it’s because I kept touching her while she’d cut it and said things in a sultry voice like, “I think nothing is more intimate than a woman cutting a man’s hair” and “God you smell so good right now” or “I ache to touch your skin, preferably in the area of your breast.”

So I’m stuck with an uneven haircut. At least my uneven sunburn is starting to fade, so I’ve got that going for me. You know what else is going away? The hair on my head. You know what’s not going away? The hair all over the rest of my body. At this rate, I’ll look exactly like George “The Animal” Steele by Thanksgiving. Fucking sweet.

[Is anyone else shocked George "The Animal" Steele has a website? My goodness.]