Some giant black dude: “You scared motherfucker? Well you should be because this green beret is going to kick your big ass.”

Schwarzenegger: “I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I’m very hungry.”

Last night, I got high, ate a half a canister of whipped cream, and watched Commando. Well, I don’t know if it was half a canister, because you can’t really tell, but it was a lot. And I didn’t eat it in the traditional tilt-the-head-back-and-spray-into-mouth method; rather, I shot the whipped cream into my hand and ate it right out of my hand. Not my finest moment.

Anyway, Commando is a terrific movie. I think it’s Schwarzenegger’s second best action movie, behind Predator, and fourth best movie overall. My top five would be 1) Twins 2) Predator 3) Kindergarten Cop 4) Commando 5) Jingle All the Way and 6) Terminator. And yes, I know that’s six – I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

The plot of the movie goes like this: Schwarzenegger is Col. John Matrix, this bad-ass Special Forces dude. Bad guys kidnap his daughter, played by Alyssa Milano (in her Samantha days) to get him to kill a president or something (like I said, I was high). Anyway, Schwarzenegger has to get his daughter back, and he single-handedly kills 300 or so people in the process.

Terrific, if unrealistic action. The fact that it’s the mid-80′s certainly gives it bonus points. But what struck my roommate Brian (who was also high) and I most was the overt homosexuality of Schwarzenegger’s adversary, Bennett (played by the Vernon Wells who is not the centerfielder for the Toronto Blue Jays).

I couldn’t find an ideal picture, but he’s the guy in the third clip on the right here. I mean, you have Arnold, who’s extremely jacked, sweaty, and covered in that sexy black camouflage, and then you have Bennett, with his Village People mustache, sleeveless tank top, and no muscle tone whatsoever. And these guys are supposed to be equally tough?

And we’re not just talking looks here, either: when Bennett runs, he looks like a girl. When Bennett walks, he looks like a girl. When Bennett acts, he overacts so badly, that you think he’s melodramatic enough to be feminine.

I don’t really have anything to add otherwise (realizing this is quickly deteriorating into “you had to be there” territory – damn you marijuana, for making me think that this was a good idea at the time!), but please, if you haven’t seen it in a while, go out and rent Commando. And get high while you watch it. And there’s new “extra creamy” whipped cream out, which you really should try. There is also a chocolate variety, but that’s kinda sacrilege to me.

I want to give some quick props to my friend Brendan, who spent some time in the slammer this weekend.

Apparently, Brendan, who, to put it mildly, has a severe drinking problem, was at a party that was getting broken up by some of Somerville’s finest when he mouthed off to a cop, was cuffed and sent to jail. Sources could not confirm what Brendan, who naked looks a lot like a nude Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, said to the cop, but we can be certain it was said in a thick Brooklyn accent and very, very slurred. My guess: “your mutha”.

My friend John got him out a few hours later. He (John) later wrote to me: “You should have seen him when they let him out. He was still bombed.”

So cheers to Brendan. He’s taken to calling himself a “freedom fighter”, but I have a more appropriate word: drunkard. So far, we’ve had no comment from Brendan as to whether he earned his brown wings during his short stay in jail, but anyone who knows him personally can safely assume that yes, he did. Probably many times over, and with a huge smile on his face.