Articles Archive for 25 August 2004
Today is probably the most gorgeous day in New York City since the spring. The sun is shining, and cool breeze is blowing, the Midwestern tourists are out sporting their best acid-wash jeans, and of course I am sweating.
I think the “powers-that-be” in my office decided that since the thermometer outside is just under 80 degrees and it’s so nice, it needs to be just under 80 degrees in here to achieve the same level of nice-ness.
The result: if anyone has an extra button-down shirt, please bring it to my office, because the one I’m wearing now is covered in sweat and Doritos. Size XL.
Ok, size XXL.
Thanks.
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I don’t mean to go all “Seinfeld” on you guys, but do they make band-aids for black people? They have to, right? How come I’ve never seen them? You’d think that in this day and age there would be more colors to band-aids than just the current “Italian-American in Early Summer White.”
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Erick Dampier just signed a seven-year, $73 million contract with the Dallas Mavericks.
I don’t want to turn this into an Erick Dampier-bashing site, but are you fucking kidding me? $73 million for career averages of 9 points and 7 rebounds per game?
If you think about it, if I were an NBA player, I think with enough minutes I could average maybe a point per game (from the free throw line) and possibly 2 rebounds.
If we crunch some numbers taking Dampier’s $73M and 9 points + 7 rebounds, and take my 1 point + 2 rebounds, according to the Mavs, I’d be worth about $13.68 million over 7 years. Just a slight increase from what I’m making now.
Hey, Erick and the Mavs: Allan Houston. Austin Croshere. Mike Hampton. Mo Vaughn. Adonal Foyle. De te fabula narratur.
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It’s come to my attention that I’m having some email problems. Apparently, when I hit “send”, my emails are disappearing into cyber space and not reaching their intended recipients. I respond to 95% of the emails I get, the remaining 5% either not requiring a response or from douchebags. So, if you sent me an email that required a response and you’re not a douchebag, then know that I sent you a reply, but it got lost. Mea culpa maxima.
If you’re not sure whether or not you qualify as a douchebag, an example is an email I got recently in which the reader quotes himself, a major dealbreaker for me. After writing something about the blog, he writes:
“One day the world will look back at me and know that I created the 21st century.” – Douchebag’s name
That, my friends, is the perfect example of a douchebag.
[Wow - two Latin phrases in this post? Dr. Bender and Ms. Adkins would be so proud.]
I think the “powers-that-be” in my office decided that since the thermometer outside is just under 80 degrees and it’s so nice, it needs to be just under 80 degrees in here to achieve the same level of nice-ness.
The result: if anyone has an extra button-down shirt, please bring it to my office, because the one I’m wearing now is covered in sweat and Doritos. Size XL.
Ok, size XXL.
Thanks.
*************************************
I don’t mean to go all “Seinfeld” on you guys, but do they make band-aids for black people? They have to, right? How come I’ve never seen them? You’d think that in this day and age there would be more colors to band-aids than just the current “Italian-American in Early Summer White.”
*************************************
Erick Dampier just signed a seven-year, $73 million contract with the Dallas Mavericks.
I don’t want to turn this into an Erick Dampier-bashing site, but are you fucking kidding me? $73 million for career averages of 9 points and 7 rebounds per game?
If you think about it, if I were an NBA player, I think with enough minutes I could average maybe a point per game (from the free throw line) and possibly 2 rebounds.
If we crunch some numbers taking Dampier’s $73M and 9 points + 7 rebounds, and take my 1 point + 2 rebounds, according to the Mavs, I’d be worth about $13.68 million over 7 years. Just a slight increase from what I’m making now.
Hey, Erick and the Mavs: Allan Houston. Austin Croshere. Mike Hampton. Mo Vaughn. Adonal Foyle. De te fabula narratur.
*************************************
It’s come to my attention that I’m having some email problems. Apparently, when I hit “send”, my emails are disappearing into cyber space and not reaching their intended recipients. I respond to 95% of the emails I get, the remaining 5% either not requiring a response or from douchebags. So, if you sent me an email that required a response and you’re not a douchebag, then know that I sent you a reply, but it got lost. Mea culpa maxima.
If you’re not sure whether or not you qualify as a douchebag, an example is an email I got recently in which the reader quotes himself, a major dealbreaker for me. After writing something about the blog, he writes:
“One day the world will look back at me and know that I created the 21st century.” – Douchebag’s name
That, my friends, is the perfect example of a douchebag.
[Wow - two Latin phrases in this post? Dr. Bender and Ms. Adkins would be so proud.]
[Warning: the following post is not at all funny, and highly political in nature. If you don't want to hear me uncharacteristically talk about politics, please skip this, and a post about me beating off will be up shortly. Special thanks to the psychotically liberal but well-dressed pundit from the boondocks of Eastern Washington, Stacey Wilton, and the flamingly liberal homosexual New Yorker of Italian extraction, James D'Elicio, for their input.]
Hi, my name is Jason Mulgrew. You know me as the Internet Quasi-Celebrity who entertains you daily by making jokes about pubes, obesity, and minorities. But today, if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to take a moment to talk about something a little more serious.
As most of you know, this November’s presidential election is the most important of the last thirty years – since the days when Tricky Dick was in the White House and our parents were either getting high in ‘Nam and serving the country or getting high in a public park and listening to Jefferson Airplane.
If the election of 2000 has taught us anything, it’s that every vote can make a difference. Your teeny-tiny little vote (yes, yours) can make a huge difference in the race for the presidency and shape world diplomacy for the next four years.
For this reason, if you are of voting age, please register to vote. Many times in our comfortable society, while eating frozen yogurt and watching “I Love the ’80′s” on VH1, we can forget that democracy is a right that many people strive for and do not have.
People die to vote in countries all over the world, as recent events in Cameroon, India, Rwanda, Peru, and Kenya have shown us. Many of the people in these countries live in small towns in the country, miles from an election site, and yet they travel those miles by car, bus, bike or foot. They understood the dangers of voting. They saw the escalating violence as the elections approached. They knew that once they reached these remote locations that they might be harassed and intimidated by government or opposition forces. They knew that they were risking their lives.
For these people “democracy”, “the right to vote”, the desire “to create a future for their children” are not just slogans used to win a campaign. For them it is a very real dream for a future, a need for the future. A future that is worth dying for, a future for people they will never know, for people who will never have to make the sacrifices that these people are making. Like I said, people die to vote. We insult their sacrifice by not voting, because we “didn’t get around to it” or “forgot about it” or “didn’t have time.”
So to register to vote, check out these sites:
www.rockthevote.com
www.declareyourself.com
www.justvote.org
And while I’m at it, here’s my pitch for Kerry/Edwards (and this isn’t just because of my John Edwards man-crush):
[Trying to be as respectful as possible of other people's opinions] Another four years of George Bush risks further alienating our long-standing foreign allies, packing our federal judiciary with justices representing the religious right, White House support of a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, the weakening of environmental protections, increasing the federal deficit thus threatening the fiscal health of our limited social safety net, and of course, the continued bastardization of the English language.
Therefore, I, Jason Mulgrew, am supporting John Kerry in his bid for president, because we need a president that will create jobs, provide affordable health care, maintain civil rights, protect our environment and keep America secure. Also, maybe I can meet some nice girls this way, since, as I’ve mentioned, liberals chicks are way hotter and freakier than conservative ladies.
Please, and I can’t stress this enough, do NOT email me trying to engage me in some Bush vs. Kerry debate. I don’t care what you think, as you shouldn’t care what I think (well, I care what you think if you think, “I really want that Jason Mulgrew to make sweaty unsatisfying love to me” – then you can email me whenever you want).
Thank you for your time, and I promise that in the future all seriousness will be kept to a bare minimum. We now rejoin your regularly scheduling programming, already in progress.
Hi, my name is Jason Mulgrew. You know me as the Internet Quasi-Celebrity who entertains you daily by making jokes about pubes, obesity, and minorities. But today, if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to take a moment to talk about something a little more serious.
As most of you know, this November’s presidential election is the most important of the last thirty years – since the days when Tricky Dick was in the White House and our parents were either getting high in ‘Nam and serving the country or getting high in a public park and listening to Jefferson Airplane.
If the election of 2000 has taught us anything, it’s that every vote can make a difference. Your teeny-tiny little vote (yes, yours) can make a huge difference in the race for the presidency and shape world diplomacy for the next four years.
For this reason, if you are of voting age, please register to vote. Many times in our comfortable society, while eating frozen yogurt and watching “I Love the ’80′s” on VH1, we can forget that democracy is a right that many people strive for and do not have.
People die to vote in countries all over the world, as recent events in Cameroon, India, Rwanda, Peru, and Kenya have shown us. Many of the people in these countries live in small towns in the country, miles from an election site, and yet they travel those miles by car, bus, bike or foot. They understood the dangers of voting. They saw the escalating violence as the elections approached. They knew that once they reached these remote locations that they might be harassed and intimidated by government or opposition forces. They knew that they were risking their lives.
For these people “democracy”, “the right to vote”, the desire “to create a future for their children” are not just slogans used to win a campaign. For them it is a very real dream for a future, a need for the future. A future that is worth dying for, a future for people they will never know, for people who will never have to make the sacrifices that these people are making. Like I said, people die to vote. We insult their sacrifice by not voting, because we “didn’t get around to it” or “forgot about it” or “didn’t have time.”
So to register to vote, check out these sites:
www.rockthevote.com
www.declareyourself.com
www.justvote.org
And while I’m at it, here’s my pitch for Kerry/Edwards (and this isn’t just because of my John Edwards man-crush):
[Trying to be as respectful as possible of other people's opinions] Another four years of George Bush risks further alienating our long-standing foreign allies, packing our federal judiciary with justices representing the religious right, White House support of a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, the weakening of environmental protections, increasing the federal deficit thus threatening the fiscal health of our limited social safety net, and of course, the continued bastardization of the English language.
Therefore, I, Jason Mulgrew, am supporting John Kerry in his bid for president, because we need a president that will create jobs, provide affordable health care, maintain civil rights, protect our environment and keep America secure. Also, maybe I can meet some nice girls this way, since, as I’ve mentioned, liberals chicks are way hotter and freakier than conservative ladies.
Please, and I can’t stress this enough, do NOT email me trying to engage me in some Bush vs. Kerry debate. I don’t care what you think, as you shouldn’t care what I think (well, I care what you think if you think, “I really want that Jason Mulgrew to make sweaty unsatisfying love to me” – then you can email me whenever you want).
Thank you for your time, and I promise that in the future all seriousness will be kept to a bare minimum. We now rejoin your regularly scheduling programming, already in progress.