The following email comes from Chera of Mechanicsburg, PA. For some reason, I got really into this (I have no idea why). She writes:

In the August issue of Cosmo they have an interesting article about “Sex Tips from Men”. As a man with many words, views and comments, I am interested on your take… I didn’t notice anyone of them mentioning BBQ, hot dogs or sundae smothered on the ladies bodies so I was safe to assume that you were not one of those surveyed.

Excellent topic for discussion. Like I said, I got way too into this. Below I’ve taken the sex tip given by a man to Cosmo, and given my take on it.

Here goes:

“I love when you are cuddling next to me, completely nude, and I feel the softness of your pubic hair on my hip.”
- Oh jesus – a little graphic, eh? So that’s what kinda party this is? Alright, bring it on.

“If I’m sitting in a chair and zoning out, come on over and straddle me. Your body in my lap will perk me right up.”
- Really? You’re kidding me! A woman sitting on my lap is a good thing? Is that why I spend 18% of my yearly income at titty bars? Quick, call CNN!

“I love when a girl gives me that God-I-want-you gaze, especially if she shifts her eyes downward after a few seconds, then glances back up one more time.”
- Douchebag. What, are we in the movies or something? (Maybe this is jealousy, as any “I want you” gaze directed at has come from blood-shot cracked out/drunken eyes of a hobo).

“When you give me a hello kiss after a long day at work, don’t hesitate to grab my package. It’s like Hel-lo…”
- Ok, that works.

“Be playfully aggressive. Throw me against the wall and go at it — like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.”
- Again, another good one. You’d better be strong though, because I am pretty fat.

“When you grab my arms, hold ‘em over my head and lick around my armpits. I’m putty.”
- I think I just threw up.

“Instead of just diving right into sex, spread a bedsheet between us and grind over me. The heat from your body and the softness of the fabric feels incredible.”
- Dude, you gay?

“Dribble some sparkling wine over my nipples and lick it off slowly.”
- Or I could just drink it. And I wouldn’t lick it off my chest unless you want a mouthful of hair with that sparkling wine. Just an FYI.

“Run your tongue around the perimeter of my belly button. The fact that you’re just inches from my most sensitive spot has me drooling with anticipation.”
- I’m not “drooling with anticipation” when a woman does this. I’m thinking, “This poor girl. God, she is really fucked up. How many cosmos did she have?”

“Lightly caress the sensitive webbing between my thumb and forefinger. It’s a lusty pressure point.”
- Yeah…um, I’d rather take a blow job personally, but whatever works for you.

“Getting naked with the lights on is underrated. A big thrill of sex is fully exposing ourselves to each other.”
- I guess this depends on who you are having sex with. I usually keep the lights off, and keep my partner blindfolded. Just to be safe.

“Finger sucking is almost as good as sucking me down below. And here you can use your teeth.”
- I respectfully disagree. Asshole.

“Spell out naughty messages across my entire body…my legs, arms, chest. If I guess right, you act out the message.”
- Doesn’t that seem like a lot of work? When I’m having sex, it’s usually when I’m so drunk I can barely work a toilet, let alone guess dirty messages written on my body. Also, whatever a woman would spell out I’d guess the same thing: “anal.”

“After sex, trace your nails over my inner thigh. You have no idea how much it preps me for round two.”
- By “round two” I’m assuming we mean “turkey sandwich, heavy on the mayo” right?

“I really like to concentrate on the act of sex and save the intense kissing for before and even after.”
- Here’s what I am concentrating on: 1) “I can’t believe I’m having sex right now!” and 2) “I’d really like some lo mein after this.”

“When we’re changing positions, give me an oral sex break. It lasts mere seconds, but it’s unbelievable.”
- There we go – finally another good one.

“When I’m thrusting, yell, “More, More!” It’s such an ego stroke.”
- I also like when women yell, “I know you’re just on a gaining cycle right now!” or “Take me now, you internet quasi-celebrity!”

“When I’m about to reach the brink, tell me to pull out. Then bring me to release in your mouth.”
- Good lord I am blushing right now.

“Run the condom packet down the trail between my stomach and privates. It’s a terrible tease that feels great.”
- Condoms? Who said anything about condoms? What the fuck?

“Squeeze my biceps and triceps while we’re doing it missionary-style. It makes me feel like a strong, macho man.”
- Don’t do this to me. I’d probably say, “Um, yeah, I’m going to start going to the gym again next week.”

“Who says that men don’t like after-play? Once I’ve come, run your hands over my body lightly… definitely lightly.”
- Then go get me a pizza.

“Moaning is great, but when you talk dirty and really let me know what I’m doing to turn you on, that really turns me on. It not only fills me in on what you love most, but it also just sounds so damn hot.”
- Talking dirty is hard. My steez:

Girl: “Tell me what you like.”
Me: “Um, everything? You know, whatever really. It all works for me.”

or

Girl: “I really want to fuck you.”
Me: “Um, I believe the feeling is mutual. Meaning, I really want to have sex with you as well.”

[Editor's Note: These exchanges are fictional. Obviously.]

“The next time you’re going down, go way down. Suck my toes and massage the soles of my feet.”
- I can’t express the horror I’m feeling right now.

“Explore the “tain’t,” which is slang for that little patch of skin below my testicles. You know, “tain’t his arse, tain’t his balls.” Apply pressure there with your fingers, and I’ll be eternally grateful.”
- Alternatively known as the grundel or choat (also spelled choata, choad, or choada), this deserves its own post. This is like the male g-spot. Unreal.

“Go down on me in the shower. There’s nothing like the feeling of a warm mouth around me while the warm water’s rushing down.”
- Oh yeah? Ever drink fifty Miller Lites and have a good bowl of French Onion soup? It’s comparable.

“Try sticking my penis through the hole of a glazed doughnut. Then nibble around it, stopping to suck me once in a while. The sugar beads from your mouth will tingle on my tip.”
- Wait a minute – did I write this one? On second thought, I wouldn’t have written this, since I think it’s a bad idea, as I would most certainly steal the doughnut and eat it myself. Then, I’d probably like it so much that I’d abandon the sex altogether to go get some more.

God I fucking love doughnuts.

“Sip champagne, then take each of my testicles into your mouth. Makes me tingle like crazy!”
- I wonder if the same applies to Budweiser…

“A sexual act is 10 times hotter when we’re watching porn, and they’re doing the same thing onscreen.”
- The last three tips have involved booze, doughnuts, and porn. Now we’re getting somewhere.

“Take your panties off, throw them in the freezer, then caress my body with them. Don’t laugh. It’s actually awesome.”
- But please, keep them away from my ice cream and vodka. Please.

“In a cab, climb onto my lap (facing me), then stick your left leg over my shoulder and your right leg out the window. It’s a little awkward, but it feels so good, we won’t care.”
- Your girlfriend is a whore.

Does she have a sister with low self-esteem?

I love your emails. I really do. They’re pretty much the only thing that keeps me going, as I have no constructive habits, no cool friends, and certainly no girlfriend. I have your emails, and maybe an occasional woman I can stare at on the subway. Oh, and drugs. I have those too.

The other day I was feeling down and was about to take out a full bottle of Vicodin to end it all, but then I thought, “No, I can’t leave my readers like this. Since I get death threats when I only post once a day or post something crappy, if I killed myself and never posted again they would probably exhume my corpse, stick it in a chair, parade it around the city as people threw mozzarella sticks at it. Then they’d sit it on the top of a hill, where men of all ages would line up to piss on it, while all my ex-girlfriends would be getting railed by eight dudes at once while everyone cheered them on.”

Still, I took the Vicodin. Turns out my roommate Brian had taken the pills and sold them on the black market, replacing them with jelly beans. So that’s why I’m here today.

Anyway, onto the emails. This first email comes from Keith Owen from Wallingford, CT:

[Your site] is some of the most time consuming enjoyable drivel I have ever read. When I get fired within the next couple of weeks, I will have you to thank, as I sit here with Pepsi flying out of my nose every so often while I read your site.

We are a generation of office workers who would rather surf for porn and then write about it than actually work…and I think with your quasi-celebrity status, you are just the man to lead us into battle. I’m not really sure who the battle would be against, and we would most assuredly lose because of our indifference and laziness toward anything and everything…I’m not sure where I’m going with this anymore.

Anyways, good shit…keep it up…I hate my job anyways.
-Keith

(By the way, that friend that told me about your site, she has nice voluptuous boobs, I would know, I dated her for 4 years. I can hook that up. Bear in mind, if we ever became friends, I would win every argument)

I would gladly lead us into battle, but will do so on one condition only: we have some sort of happy hour afterward. Or at least a drink special. And, as leader, it’d be nice if I could drink for free.

And as far as your friend, my email address is in the box on the upper right. And since I don’t have much interest in losing every argument you and I have for the rest of our lives, this will be my last piece of correspondence to you. Thank you.

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Next, Pepe from New Haven, CT chimes in about my post of Tuesday:

Doesn’t this contradict your theory about how the worse you treat a woman, the more they will like you? It seems that this dude just secured himself all the sex he could ever want for all eternity. And that’s more than you can say. Not a bad move if you ask me. Now excuse me, I’m going to go to the gym and shoot that chick who likes to stretch a lot…

Um, ok, you got me. I should point out that when I made that post on Tuesday, I had smoked a joint before work, and I obviously can’t be held responsible for anything I do high. But good observations – now if only the rest of you were as smart as Pepe.

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Some of you send me some pretty funny stuff, but recently I got something that really made me laugh out loud. A Woman Who Prefers To Remain Anonymous from Arlington, VA (you’ll probably figure out why in a second) writes:

My mother works in a dentist’s office and is constantly trying to hook me up with patients. She even told me about a really cute guy who saw my picture and thinks I am very pretty, but he has AIDS. I don’t if it’s worse that your parents think you are gay or that mine would rather see me dead in a few years, rather than being alone.

Wow. I mean, just when I thought I couldn’t take my mom asking me if I’ve met someone anymore, WWPTRA goes and blows me out of the water. All I can say is good luck, and godspeed.

Maybe we should start dating? You know, to kill to birds with one stone?

[Part 2 to come shortly]