Articles Archive for 16 September 2004
Over the past two nights, I’ve answered every email that I’ve gotten recently that required responding. No, it’s not the coolest way to spend my evenings, but I had really dropped the ball recently, and needed to catch up. Since the beginning of the month, I’ve gotten hundreds and hundreds (seriously) of emails, and I loved and cherished each one, except the one from Ted from Oakland who sent me a picture of his scrotum. I neither loved nor cherished that one, although I did kiss the computer screen when the picture downloaded. But in my defense I had had way too much to drink (two beers) and was very lonely and curious. Moving on…
I figure if you take the time to write to me to tell me about your recent break-up, to give me some of your own personal dealbreakers, to share your favorite Will Ferrell skits, to give me your own sports insights, to give me ideas for posts, to tell me how I rock and/or suck (the most popular), or just to say hello, then I can take the time to write back.
But there is one thing that I can’t do. For some reason, some of you have been sending me stuff to read. Not book suggestions, but stuff (essays, short stories, etc) you’ve written for me to read. I really don’t know why – usually if I read more than a paragraph my head starts to hurt and my vision gets blurry. I’ve learned this with my recent excursion to grad school. I can’t read two sentences without my mind drifting off:
What I’m reading: “Batu received the news that the Great Khan Ugedey had died in Mongolia on December 11, 1241. Mongol politics prevailed over Mongol strategy, and Batu ordered the withdrawal of his whole army from Hungary, through Bulgaria and Moldavia, back to the south Russian steppes.”
What I’m thinking: “God, I fucking love Chinese food. I wish I could go to Dim Sum more often. But it’s really intimidating, since I don’t know what’s going on, with all the Chinese being yelled and everything. It’s good to go with a Chinese person, like Marie. Marie was quite a little piece – probably like 80 pounds, tops. Man, I’d split her in two. Oh yeah, what a sexy lil’ thing, I’d – ” [stops reading to masturbate]
What I’m reading: “In 1200, Bishop Albert found the town of Riga at the mouth of the Dvina. The inhabitants of the region, Lithuanians and Letts, were converted, though with difficulty, to Christianity.”
What I’m thinking: “God, how many more pages do I have left? This sucks. Christ, I really need to get laid. Maybe I should try a personal ad? Uh-oh, look who’s waking up! Let me put this book down for just one – ” [stops reading to masturbate]
The point is, I am not a good reader. I don’t mean that emails should be limited to 250 words or anything, but I mean that you shouldn’t send me separate word documents containing stories you’ve written, or paste these stories or essays into the body of the email, because I can’t read them. Really, I can’t – I just can’t focus for that long.
Aside from that, I am an asshole moron. I don’t know if you guys are looking for comments or what, but I am not very smart. Here’s what my comments would consist of, regardless of whether your work was about the fall of apartheid, Canada’s welfare system, how you got your license, or why girls are better than boys:
Comment #1: “Good, but needs more anal.”
Comment #2: “I don’t understand any of this.”
Comment #3: “So so. Spice it up with some anal.”
Comment #4: “Wait – who’s doing the what now?”
Comment #5: “Sucks. Add a lot more anal, maybe a threesome.”
**********************************
So I don’t mean to sound like a dick, and I’m sure you’re wonderfully talented, but please, leave the essays and short stories for class. Or pay me. Bitch.
In conclusion…
Emails: great – keep them coming
Stories/Essays: not good
Anal: hilarious and good
Me: hungry, and a little tired and cranky, but looking forward to Ray tonight.
I figure if you take the time to write to me to tell me about your recent break-up, to give me some of your own personal dealbreakers, to share your favorite Will Ferrell skits, to give me your own sports insights, to give me ideas for posts, to tell me how I rock and/or suck (the most popular), or just to say hello, then I can take the time to write back.
But there is one thing that I can’t do. For some reason, some of you have been sending me stuff to read. Not book suggestions, but stuff (essays, short stories, etc) you’ve written for me to read. I really don’t know why – usually if I read more than a paragraph my head starts to hurt and my vision gets blurry. I’ve learned this with my recent excursion to grad school. I can’t read two sentences without my mind drifting off:
What I’m reading: “Batu received the news that the Great Khan Ugedey had died in Mongolia on December 11, 1241. Mongol politics prevailed over Mongol strategy, and Batu ordered the withdrawal of his whole army from Hungary, through Bulgaria and Moldavia, back to the south Russian steppes.”
What I’m thinking: “God, I fucking love Chinese food. I wish I could go to Dim Sum more often. But it’s really intimidating, since I don’t know what’s going on, with all the Chinese being yelled and everything. It’s good to go with a Chinese person, like Marie. Marie was quite a little piece – probably like 80 pounds, tops. Man, I’d split her in two. Oh yeah, what a sexy lil’ thing, I’d – ” [stops reading to masturbate]
What I’m reading: “In 1200, Bishop Albert found the town of Riga at the mouth of the Dvina. The inhabitants of the region, Lithuanians and Letts, were converted, though with difficulty, to Christianity.”
What I’m thinking: “God, how many more pages do I have left? This sucks. Christ, I really need to get laid. Maybe I should try a personal ad? Uh-oh, look who’s waking up! Let me put this book down for just one – ” [stops reading to masturbate]
The point is, I am not a good reader. I don’t mean that emails should be limited to 250 words or anything, but I mean that you shouldn’t send me separate word documents containing stories you’ve written, or paste these stories or essays into the body of the email, because I can’t read them. Really, I can’t – I just can’t focus for that long.
Aside from that, I am an asshole moron. I don’t know if you guys are looking for comments or what, but I am not very smart. Here’s what my comments would consist of, regardless of whether your work was about the fall of apartheid, Canada’s welfare system, how you got your license, or why girls are better than boys:
Comment #1: “Good, but needs more anal.”
Comment #2: “I don’t understand any of this.”
Comment #3: “So so. Spice it up with some anal.”
Comment #4: “Wait – who’s doing the what now?”
Comment #5: “Sucks. Add a lot more anal, maybe a threesome.”
**********************************
So I don’t mean to sound like a dick, and I’m sure you’re wonderfully talented, but please, leave the essays and short stories for class. Or pay me. Bitch.
In conclusion…
Emails: great – keep them coming
Stories/Essays: not good
Anal: hilarious and good
Me: hungry, and a little tired and cranky, but looking forward to Ray tonight.
NFC East
Home to some of the greatest coaches in football, and my favorite team, the Philadelphia Eagles. After three straight losses in the NFC Championship, the Eagles made an uncharacteristic splash in the free-agent market and acquired Terrell Owens and Jevon Kearse, who both looked excellent in the season opener against the NY Giants. Too bad they still can’t stop the run and I’m currently listed as their third running back.
Five things:
1) I don’t think we’ve seen the last of the McNabb-Owens combo. T.O.’s presence greatly opened up the passing game, and I had an erection every time McNabb dropped back to pass.
2) How can anyone be a NY Giants fan? Their biggest star is a homophobe who so far as been a disappointment in the NFL, their coach is widely considered a dick, their quarterback is an ultra-Christian who is both one of the most annoying and perplexing athletes ever (as in, what the fuck happened to you?). It’s going to be a long year for Giants fans.
3) Bill Parcells, I don’t know if you realize this, but your quarterback is Vinny Testaverde. Is this some sort of joke? And 50 pass attempts? 50? Are you trying to make his arm fall off?
4) Does anyone else not give a shit about Joe Gibbs being back in the NFL? Christ – I turned on ESPN the other day just in time to catch Chris Mortensen blowing him, while Steve Young and TJ gave each other handjobs off to the side. Get over it already.
5) I miss having Arizona in this division.
Predictions:
Philadelphia 12-4
Washington 9-7
Dallas 9-7
NY Giants 5-11
NFC North
The remnants of the old black and blue division. Some very interesting teams: Green Bay is a perennial threat, the Vikes are explosive, Detroit could be interesting, and Chicago, well, the had The Fridge and Sweetness at the same time.
Five things:
1) Did Brian Urlacher say to himself, “Well, my NFL career is going really well and I’m making a lot of money – more than I’ll ever spend. However, I’m still going to endorse every fucking product that exists.” Seriously – how many commercials is this guy in? Is he that hard up for cash? I think I saw him in Soho at Broadway & Houston handing out flyers offering men’s designers shoes at discount prices.
2) Brett Favre just won’t go away. Brett Favre is good. Very good. And I have a weird love/hate thing with him. However, I look forward to the day that the Pack stinks again. I just don’t want anyone in Wisconsin to be happy, since I used to date a girl there, and she cheated on me.
3) Ah Detroit…so much potential. Two problems: Joey Harrington will never take you anywhere, and Charles Rodgers’ bones are made of dry wall. Too bad.
4) Randy Moss is a terrible person. You’d think that the collective will of millions of people wishing he would fail would work. Nope.
5) Is there anything better than watching a Bears-Packers game at Lambeau in mid-December? Very cool.
Predictions:
Minnesota 12-4
Green Bay 10-6
Detroit 9-7
Chicago 4-12
NFC South
Dirty South in the house! What a strange division. You have Michael Vick, but you also have Jake “Man Did I Get Lucky Last Year Because I Really Stink” Delhomme. You have a former Super Bowl champ, and former NFC champ, and yearly chic pick who always blows it, and the “most exciting athlete in sports.” Still, I don’t really care about this division.
Five things:
1) What does Jim Haslett have to do to get fired? Did I miss a week of ESPN in which he and Larry Bowa got tenure? Can someone help me here?
2) Forcing Michael Vick to learn the West Coast Offense is like forcing me to go on a diet: a bad idea, and in the end, four people will die.
3) I am so glad Tampa Bay sucks. I am so glad John Gruden will have a rough year. And no, I’m not bitter.
4) Carolina…nothing tells me you’re going back to the Super Bowl. Let’s chalk last year up to an “everything just came together for us” year. And again, I’m not bitter.
5) “Deuce McAllister” is the coolest name in the world.
Predictions:
Atlanta 10-6
New Orleans 9-7
Carolina 8-8
Tampa Bay 5-11
NFC West
Ladies and gentlemen: the bastard child of NFL realignment. What a boring division. San Fran lost its superstars, St. Louis went from electric to “eh” in two years, the Seahawks are from Seattle, and, oh yeah, the Cardinals. I mean, wow.
Five things:
1) I went to BC. Matt Hasselbeck stunk at BC. Also, he is really bald. Whatever he is taking, I want some of it. Please.
2) How about how far the Niners have fallen? Tim Rattay at the helm, throwing to Cedrick Wilson and Eric Johnson, and passing off to Kevan Barlow. I just got really sad all of a sudden.
3) Marshall Faulk got his mojo jacked by Father Time. Still a very good player, but no longer the stud he once was. He must get sick of hearing fat guys who play fantasy football say “Priest is the new Marshall.”
4) Arizona…wow. They still have a team? And Denny Green is supposed to make them good? Unless Denny Green has wizard-like powers, it’s going to be a long, hot, lonely year in the desert, even with Anquan (hurt) and Larry.
5) I think this division has the weakest fan support in the NFL. There are probably less than one hundred people who consider themselves Seahawks or Cardinals fans. San Fran fans abandoned the team when they lost Jeff Garcia, and there was that big sale at FCUK. St. Louis, I’ll give you a pass.
Predictions:
Seattle 11-5
St. Louis 9-7
Arizona 6-10
San Fran 5-11
Now, onto the playoffs…
AFC
First Round
New England gets home-field, and KC gets the other bye. The wildcards go to Tennessee and Denver. Indy draws Denver, and their offense is too much (even with Champ picking Manning off four times). Baltimore gets Tennessee, and the Titans stack eleven men up front, daring Boller to beat them. Result: Jamal Lewis has 8 yards on 62 carries, Boller is 1-14 for 7 yards, and Steve McNair gets murdered by Ray Lewis in the third quarter, but still finishes with 2 TD’s.
Second Round
Indy goes to KC. Both teams decide to on-side kick after every possession after the first quarter, and Indy pulls out the victory, 86-81. Tennessee goes to New England, where Tom Brady is just much better looking than Steve McNair, and the Pats pull out the close win.
Championship Game
In a rematch of the season opener, Indy comes out strong against a slightly over-confident Pats team. Then Indy realizes that Peyton Manning is their quarterback and subsequently the collapse, and NE comes back to take the victory.
NFC
First Round
Philly gets home-field, and they and Minnesota get the byes. The wildcards go to Green Bay and Washington. Seattle draws Washington, and takes care of business easily, even though Dan Snyder gives Mike Holmgren $800,000 to throw the third quarter . Atlanta gets Green Bay, but Favre shows young Vick how it’s done. Then Vick gets laid by eight strippers at once.
Second Round
Seattle goes to Minnesota and beats an overrated Viking team as Culpepper fumbles eight times and Randy Moss drives over four women during a half-time beef jerky run. To the delight of the Philly fans, Philly trounces GB, I pay for sex, and Brett Favre retires.
Championship Game
Philly fans are salivating, thinking this is finally the year. Then Shaun Alexander runs for 500 years and 5 touchdowns. I kill myself, and whoever is within twenty feet of me, only after burning down three city blocks, a church, and a school.
Super Bowl
New England versus Seattle. Seattle starts out strong, as Holmgren’s first fifteen scripted plays result in ten points. Seattle scores another quick touchdown when Corey Dillon turns the ball over as he stops in mid-run to punch a Seattle defender in the face.
Massholes every where are on the edge of their seat when Tom Brady plays the second half without his helmet on to inspire his teammates with his handsomeness, and NE scores two quick TD’s.
The score remains 17-14 until there are two minutes left and NE is driving down the field. They get stalled around the Seahawk’s 30, and with time winding down the bring in their money kicker, Adam Vinatieri. The kick goes up, and with time expiring, sails wide right, because you just can’t have that many happy endings.
The Seattle Seahawks are the Super Bowl Champions. All fourteen Seahawks fans celebrate, and immediately set up a chat room to discuss the game and the roll-out of the newest Windows product. From hell, I start crying, because I know that there are no fans more deserving of a championship than those in Philadelphia, and I know it’s not going to happen for a long time.
Home to some of the greatest coaches in football, and my favorite team, the Philadelphia Eagles. After three straight losses in the NFC Championship, the Eagles made an uncharacteristic splash in the free-agent market and acquired Terrell Owens and Jevon Kearse, who both looked excellent in the season opener against the NY Giants. Too bad they still can’t stop the run and I’m currently listed as their third running back.
Five things:
1) I don’t think we’ve seen the last of the McNabb-Owens combo. T.O.’s presence greatly opened up the passing game, and I had an erection every time McNabb dropped back to pass.
2) How can anyone be a NY Giants fan? Their biggest star is a homophobe who so far as been a disappointment in the NFL, their coach is widely considered a dick, their quarterback is an ultra-Christian who is both one of the most annoying and perplexing athletes ever (as in, what the fuck happened to you?). It’s going to be a long year for Giants fans.
3) Bill Parcells, I don’t know if you realize this, but your quarterback is Vinny Testaverde. Is this some sort of joke? And 50 pass attempts? 50? Are you trying to make his arm fall off?
4) Does anyone else not give a shit about Joe Gibbs being back in the NFL? Christ – I turned on ESPN the other day just in time to catch Chris Mortensen blowing him, while Steve Young and TJ gave each other handjobs off to the side. Get over it already.
5) I miss having Arizona in this division.
Predictions:
Philadelphia 12-4
Washington 9-7
Dallas 9-7
NY Giants 5-11
NFC North
The remnants of the old black and blue division. Some very interesting teams: Green Bay is a perennial threat, the Vikes are explosive, Detroit could be interesting, and Chicago, well, the had The Fridge and Sweetness at the same time.
Five things:
1) Did Brian Urlacher say to himself, “Well, my NFL career is going really well and I’m making a lot of money – more than I’ll ever spend. However, I’m still going to endorse every fucking product that exists.” Seriously – how many commercials is this guy in? Is he that hard up for cash? I think I saw him in Soho at Broadway & Houston handing out flyers offering men’s designers shoes at discount prices.
2) Brett Favre just won’t go away. Brett Favre is good. Very good. And I have a weird love/hate thing with him. However, I look forward to the day that the Pack stinks again. I just don’t want anyone in Wisconsin to be happy, since I used to date a girl there, and she cheated on me.
3) Ah Detroit…so much potential. Two problems: Joey Harrington will never take you anywhere, and Charles Rodgers’ bones are made of dry wall. Too bad.
4) Randy Moss is a terrible person. You’d think that the collective will of millions of people wishing he would fail would work. Nope.
5) Is there anything better than watching a Bears-Packers game at Lambeau in mid-December? Very cool.
Predictions:
Minnesota 12-4
Green Bay 10-6
Detroit 9-7
Chicago 4-12
NFC South
Dirty South in the house! What a strange division. You have Michael Vick, but you also have Jake “Man Did I Get Lucky Last Year Because I Really Stink” Delhomme. You have a former Super Bowl champ, and former NFC champ, and yearly chic pick who always blows it, and the “most exciting athlete in sports.” Still, I don’t really care about this division.
Five things:
1) What does Jim Haslett have to do to get fired? Did I miss a week of ESPN in which he and Larry Bowa got tenure? Can someone help me here?
2) Forcing Michael Vick to learn the West Coast Offense is like forcing me to go on a diet: a bad idea, and in the end, four people will die.
3) I am so glad Tampa Bay sucks. I am so glad John Gruden will have a rough year. And no, I’m not bitter.
4) Carolina…nothing tells me you’re going back to the Super Bowl. Let’s chalk last year up to an “everything just came together for us” year. And again, I’m not bitter.
5) “Deuce McAllister” is the coolest name in the world.
Predictions:
Atlanta 10-6
New Orleans 9-7
Carolina 8-8
Tampa Bay 5-11
NFC West
Ladies and gentlemen: the bastard child of NFL realignment. What a boring division. San Fran lost its superstars, St. Louis went from electric to “eh” in two years, the Seahawks are from Seattle, and, oh yeah, the Cardinals. I mean, wow.
Five things:
1) I went to BC. Matt Hasselbeck stunk at BC. Also, he is really bald. Whatever he is taking, I want some of it. Please.
2) How about how far the Niners have fallen? Tim Rattay at the helm, throwing to Cedrick Wilson and Eric Johnson, and passing off to Kevan Barlow. I just got really sad all of a sudden.
3) Marshall Faulk got his mojo jacked by Father Time. Still a very good player, but no longer the stud he once was. He must get sick of hearing fat guys who play fantasy football say “Priest is the new Marshall.”
4) Arizona…wow. They still have a team? And Denny Green is supposed to make them good? Unless Denny Green has wizard-like powers, it’s going to be a long, hot, lonely year in the desert, even with Anquan (hurt) and Larry.
5) I think this division has the weakest fan support in the NFL. There are probably less than one hundred people who consider themselves Seahawks or Cardinals fans. San Fran fans abandoned the team when they lost Jeff Garcia, and there was that big sale at FCUK. St. Louis, I’ll give you a pass.
Predictions:
Seattle 11-5
St. Louis 9-7
Arizona 6-10
San Fran 5-11
Now, onto the playoffs…
AFC
First Round
New England gets home-field, and KC gets the other bye. The wildcards go to Tennessee and Denver. Indy draws Denver, and their offense is too much (even with Champ picking Manning off four times). Baltimore gets Tennessee, and the Titans stack eleven men up front, daring Boller to beat them. Result: Jamal Lewis has 8 yards on 62 carries, Boller is 1-14 for 7 yards, and Steve McNair gets murdered by Ray Lewis in the third quarter, but still finishes with 2 TD’s.
Second Round
Indy goes to KC. Both teams decide to on-side kick after every possession after the first quarter, and Indy pulls out the victory, 86-81. Tennessee goes to New England, where Tom Brady is just much better looking than Steve McNair, and the Pats pull out the close win.
Championship Game
In a rematch of the season opener, Indy comes out strong against a slightly over-confident Pats team. Then Indy realizes that Peyton Manning is their quarterback and subsequently the collapse, and NE comes back to take the victory.
NFC
First Round
Philly gets home-field, and they and Minnesota get the byes. The wildcards go to Green Bay and Washington. Seattle draws Washington, and takes care of business easily, even though Dan Snyder gives Mike Holmgren $800,000 to throw the third quarter . Atlanta gets Green Bay, but Favre shows young Vick how it’s done. Then Vick gets laid by eight strippers at once.
Second Round
Seattle goes to Minnesota and beats an overrated Viking team as Culpepper fumbles eight times and Randy Moss drives over four women during a half-time beef jerky run. To the delight of the Philly fans, Philly trounces GB, I pay for sex, and Brett Favre retires.
Championship Game
Philly fans are salivating, thinking this is finally the year. Then Shaun Alexander runs for 500 years and 5 touchdowns. I kill myself, and whoever is within twenty feet of me, only after burning down three city blocks, a church, and a school.
Super Bowl
New England versus Seattle. Seattle starts out strong, as Holmgren’s first fifteen scripted plays result in ten points. Seattle scores another quick touchdown when Corey Dillon turns the ball over as he stops in mid-run to punch a Seattle defender in the face.
Massholes every where are on the edge of their seat when Tom Brady plays the second half without his helmet on to inspire his teammates with his handsomeness, and NE scores two quick TD’s.
The score remains 17-14 until there are two minutes left and NE is driving down the field. They get stalled around the Seahawk’s 30, and with time winding down the bring in their money kicker, Adam Vinatieri. The kick goes up, and with time expiring, sails wide right, because you just can’t have that many happy endings.
The Seattle Seahawks are the Super Bowl Champions. All fourteen Seahawks fans celebrate, and immediately set up a chat room to discuss the game and the roll-out of the newest Windows product. From hell, I start crying, because I know that there are no fans more deserving of a championship than those in Philadelphia, and I know it’s not going to happen for a long time.