Articles Archive for 2 February 2005
I hate to be lame and keep putting up links (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but this story, like yesterday’s, is too incredible not to be discussed.
I’m not going to make fun of babies who died from herpes, because that’s not very funny. Well, maybe to some people, but I have lost four of my own children to sexually transmitted diseases (and two to a unfortunate BBQ grilling accident, three to an angry lioness, and one to some unforgiving rapids), and trust me, it’s no laughing matter. It’s just such a shame that these kids couldn’t grow up to be confused young men and get herpes the right way: from a busty Rotterdam-based hooker named Regina after a few too many Heinekens and too much exotic marijuana.
The most disturbing part of the article is:
Under Jewish law, a mohel — someone who performs circumcisions — draws blood from the circumcision wound. Most mohels do it by hand, but Fischer uses a rare practice where he uses his mouth.
Now, I will admit that though I’ve slept with a goodly number of Jewish girls (before I ostensibly became a eunuch), I don’t really know anything about Jewish customs or culture. I know that when my ex-girlfriend (who was Jewish) and I used to get in fights, I would say, “You know what? It doesn’t matter that I tried to cheat on you with that one-legged girl who works at Toys ’R’ Us - your people killed my fucking Savior! I’m just scoring one for the Catholics, you crazy Hebrew bitch!” and she would not be happy. I don’t know if she was unhappy because I said that, or because she had to have sex with me on a regular basis. Probably both. Also, one time we got in a fight and to spite her I took a bunch of her birth control pills and had a seizure. She was REALLY pissed about that.
But really, how does letting an old man with a beard putting his mouth on your baby’s dick sound like a good idea? How does the conversation between the child’s parents work:
Mom: “Well, you know little David’s bris is coming up.”
Dad: “Yes, yes.”
Dad: “Yes, yes.”
Mom: “I heard about this great mohel, who instead of using his hands to perform the circumcision, uses his mouth. I think we should get him.”
Dad: “That sounds like the greatest idea I’ve ever heard. I see how no harm could come to our child, either psychologically, emotionally, or physically, by letting a middle-aged man bite his genitals. Also, I love saving money.”
(And if this is offensive in any way, I apologize – my Jewish friend Dana recently said of the crucifix, “I don’t know why you Catholics make such a big deal out of it – it’s a dead guy on some sticks!”, so I’m cashing in my “get out of Jewish jail free” card on this one. And yes, I’m only being overly cautious with the Jewish jokes because I’m hoping to break into Hollywood and being anti-Semitic is NOT the best way to do so, or so I’ve heard.)
Another great part of the article, a quote from the rabbi’s lawyer:
“My client is known internationally as a caring, skilled, and conscientious mohel,” Kurzmann said. He continued, “I can assure you that I’ve seen a lot of grown men put their mouths on baby penis, and no one does it like Rabbi Fischer. To watch him work, when he sinks his gnarled coffee-stained teeth into that baby’s junk, it’s really breathtaking.”
[OK, so maybe I made up everything after "Kurzmann said", but I'm not a fucking professional journalist.]
My question is: how many Jewish guys in the New York area are calling their parents right now and saying, “Mom – did Rabbi Yitzhok Fischer perform my circumcision? DID HE??? JUST TELL ME DAMN IT!!! TELL ME!!!” Some parents are going to have a lot of explaining to do over the next few days.
I was circumcised, but not because I’m Jewish. I was circumcised in the late 1970′s (1979 to be exact), when it was believed to be the sanitary thing to do and to prevent penile infections and cancer (I know this is a uniquely American thing, my dear international readers). The American Medical Association has since announced that there are no health benefits to being circumcised, but I’m still glad I am. I only know four guys my age who weren’t circumcised, and we called them “The Covered Wagon Crew.” And I don’t want to start a big debate about circumcision or get emails from guys who do rock the hooded sweatshirt extolling the virtues of extra skin on your meat, but as a purveyor of porno I would like to go on record and say, “God DAMN do uncircumcised birds look weird.”
I thought about whether or not my sons will be circumcised, and even though it’s been medically proven there’s no benefit, I want them to be chopped like their dear old dad. This may sound strange, but I don’t know how I could relate to my son if he had a bird that looked like it was wrapped in a sausage casing. It’s just very…weird. Fortunately, because of my diet and high blood sugar, I’m essentially impotent, so I don’t have to worry about procreating any time soon. Also, if I do somehow manage to get and maintain an erection, I’m almost completely sterile, thanks to some cream I applied to my overly large scrotum in 1998, hoping to shrink it (it didn’t work).
And when I was circumcised, I was cut the right way: by an older cousin (at least that’s what I called him, though I don’t think he was any relation), after a pint of Jim Beam, with a screw driver. And he did an excellent job, save for when he slipped and cut me pretty good and to stop the bleeding he sewed some tennis ball fur onto my bird, which is still there today – though it’s lost its neon-greenness and is more of a brownish-reddish-purple color.
I have no idea how to end this post. How do you come back from saying that your bird has had tennis ball fur sown on it since you were a baby?
In conclusion, four things to take away from this post:
- letting a rabbi bite your kid’s bird: not a good idea
- I love all Jewish people, especially those who work in the entertainment or publishing industries
- I am circumcised, and my kids will be as well, lest I see their birds and scream, “Ewww – what the fuck is that?”
- one time I ate a spoonful of poo on a dare
Have a good day.