It’s official: the Carolina Panthers have the best cheerleaders in the NFL.  According to an ESPN.com report:

Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who allegedly were having sex with each other in a bathroom stall at a Tampa, Fla., nightclub were arrested and charged early Sunday following a run-in with patrons and police.

According to a police report obtained by the CBS TV affiliate in Tampa and the Charlotte Observer, Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas were arrested following an incident at Banana Joe’s, in Tampa’s Channelside district, at 2:10 a.m. ET.

In the police report, witnesses claimed Thomas and Keathley were having sex with each other in a stall when other patrons grew angry that the two were taking so long in the bathroom.

Another woman waiting to use the bathroom got into an argument with the two, and Thomas hit that person in the face, according to details of the report posted on TampaBay10.com, the CBS TV affiliate’s Web site.

Keathley, who was escorted from the nightclub, was so drunk she could barely stand, the report said. Police described Keathley as rude and belligerent with police.

When Thomas was arrested, she gave police the name of another Panthers cheerleader — Kristen Lanier Owen, the Observer and TampaBay10.com reported. Thomas, who was charged with one count of battery, might face additional charges for lying to police, once they confirm her identity.

Keathley was charged with disorderly conduct and obstructing or opposing an officer.

Other Panthers cheerleaders bailed Thomas and Keathley out of Hillsborough County jail later Sunday morning, TampaBay10.com reported.

The cheerleaders made the trip to Tampa on their own — the squad performs on the sideline only at home games. Panthers officials at Sunday afternoon’s game said they were aware of the report, but declined further comment when contacted by the Observer.

According to the Panthers’ official team Web site on NFL.com, Keathley is a registered nurse and second-year member of the TopCats. Thomas is listed as a student at the University of North Carolina-Charlotte and first-year member of the cheerleading squad.

OK, that’s pretty much made my week.  Two cheerleaders having sex in a nightclub bathroom.  Good LORD.  Two things:

1)     I really should have focused more energy on playing football in high school.  Instead, I spent too much time being the Gay Best Friend to about fifteen girls, all of whom were out of my league, listening to them tell me about their problems with their boyfriends as I quietly wept and masturbated on the other end of the telephone.  Had I put half as much time into a football career, I could now be at least a marginal NFL player.  Which means that I would at least know cheerleaders.  Which means that I could then offer them drugs/cash to do stuff like this in my own bathroom (while I quietly wept and masturbated on the other side of the bathroom door).    

2)     I am never, ever having daughters.  Of course, having written this, I’m sure I’ll have six extremely hot daughters.  At least I’ll be dead by the time they’re getting breast implants and appearing on “Real World: Omaha” having orgies with visiting college basketball teams, whole precincts of police officers, middle-aged businessmen at conferences, Indian chiefs, carnies, etc.

I have been feverishly trying to get pictures of these two girls, but I’m currently away from home and stealing someone’s wireless and the site keeps getting timed out (since I imagine about 100,000 other perverts like myself are trying to do the exact same thing and are crashing the site).  But if you want to see for yourself, the Panthers’ cheerleaders’ site is here.  Good luck, godspeed, and yay for Panther Pride!   

(Thanks to Stuart in Pittsburgh for bringing my attention to this)