The “memo” area on your average check is a comedy goldmine begging to be spelunked, yet people fail to recognize this.  More often than not, people use this space to describe what the check is being written for: “May 2004 rent”, “John’s birthday”, “Account Number 193883984297″, etc.

But in reality, this is an opportunity for free-form comedy.  I’m telling you this now because the holidays are upon us, and, like many of you, I have no imagination when it comes to giving gifts, so I often give money.  Since we all know that giving cash is too…Italian (read: tacky), I always give checks.  I know that receiving cash is preferable, but my logic is, “Hey – I’m giving you free money.  The least you could do is take your lazy ass to the bank to cash the check.”  Sartre says that the purpose of giving a gift is to enslave the recipient.  I think that giving a gift is just another opportunity to be a dick. 

[Please note: this does not apply only to holidays.  Every check I write has something retarded in the memo.  This is a year-round thing.]

So this holiday season, instead of writing in the memo of the check, “Merry Christmas, Tom!” or “Happy Hanukkah, Chaim!”, have a little fun with it.  Write something ridiculous and/or offensive.  You’ll at least get a laugh out of it and perhaps that person will have to hand that check to a teller to be deposited.  Sweet.

Here are some examples to get you started:

• “Third place prize – Semen Eating Contest”
• “Killing my father”
• “Licking ass on a dare”
• “Your mother tastes like cocaine”
• “Head”
• “I rubbed this on my balls”
• “Are you my brother?”
• “Still tasting you xoxoxo”
• “This is for the drugs you sold me”
• “Sorry about your sister’s uterus and all”

So please, try this at home.  I do it, it’s awesome, so you should do it.