First, many thanks to Site Guy Brendan for stepping in yesterday and keeping the information flowing. While I don’t think I cursed quite that much in the voicemail I left him, it is entirely possible that I did drop that many f bombs. So thank you Brendan for helping out when I was incapacitated and actually doing something I asked you to do, which is different from our regular routine of meemailing you, you not responding for about ten days, me asking your roommate if you’re pissed at me, and then you finally getting back to me like nothing ever happened. But I don’t think it’s appropriate to air our dirty laundry here, so let’s move on to other news…

I’m back. Well, not really "back", but close to it. As I write this it is after midnight in my mom’s house in Philly, where I will be spending the night. I’ll get into all of this in greater detail later, but I was supposed to return to NYC on Saturday night. Because of the coming storm, all flights were preemptively canceled. This was fine, because it meant I got to spend another night in LA (which I didn’t take advantage of because rather than going out and having fun, I stayed in to really focus on worrying about having to fly in a blizzard. A twelve pack, two Xanax, and two episodes of "Law and Order" later, I had to have three Mexican janitors help me off the bathroom floor and feed me ice cream to get me to stop crying so loudly).So my flight was then rescheduled for Sunday. I woke up Sunday morning, checked out of my hotel, left for the airport and learned that the NYC airports (JFK and LaGuardia), Newark airport and Philadelphia International Airport were all closed. Fucking sweet. Having nowhere to go, I checked into the Holiday Inn at
LAX on Sunday, where I spent the day/night flipping out, drinking beer, masturbating and eating an entire Chicken Alfredo pizza (which may be the highlight of the whole trip: chicken, alfredo sauce, ricotta cheese, onions, and a little garlic. Yes, it was as good as it sounds.)Today (Monday), I woke up this morning and took a four hour flight from LA to Atlanta. After a layover in Hotlanta, I then flew to Philly (two hours). It was actually only six hours in the air, but probably eleven hours in airports with miserable, miserable people.

So I am glad to be in Philly right now, especially since I completely raided my mom’s fridge. My mom and brother are going to wake up in the morning and think that a gang of raccoons ravaged the kitchen: the refrigerator door is open, garbage is strewn about, the sink is running and filled with dirty dishes, and there’s poop on the floor. And I’m totally ok with all of this.

Tomorrow (Tuesday), I will head back to NYC where I will lay in bed until Wednesday, my new return-to-work date. So that’s where I’m at now. The point(s) is (/are) three-fold

1. I obviously haven’t been posting that much because of the lack of a computer, but I will be posting quite a lot over the next few days. To put it mildly, some stuff happened. I think I’ll break it down into four posts: 1) Seattle; 2) The Seattle to LA road trip; 3) LA; and 4) The Biggest (And Costliest) Mistake of My Life (also called "I Will Hold A Grudge Against the Cocksuckers at Enterprise Until My Dying Day"). So save the emails telling me to get on the ball – it’s coming. My favorite of the bunch was from a cute girl who sent her picture along with a complaint in order to (I suppose) entice me into writing. I handled this in the only way I know how: I asked her if she’d like to engage in role-playing cyber sex – she’d be the Southern belle mistress of the house who isn’t getting any affection from her cold husband even though she looks as beautiful and her breasts are just as
   perky as the day they married twenty years ago, and I’d be the strong but sensitive house slave who helps mend hurt animals, write poems, and has a penis like a saber. As of this writing, I have not received a response.
   
2. We had, and still have, a special "surprise" for the two-year anniversary. But because of the weather and the fact that Site Guy Brendan and I have not been able to communicate, we decided to "release" this surprise one week later (Monday, February 20). To this end, please be advised that the site will be down for much of Sunday, February 19. Not like you
   fucking care, but I’m just putting it out there.
   
3. Happy Valentine’s Day. I don’t celebrate this holiday, mostly because I’m terribly lonely, but also because it’s just totally fucking overhyped and dumb. However, if you are feeling in the mood, just read what I wrote last year about Valentine’s Day, when I wasn’t so bitter about love (and lust – especially lust).
   

That’s it. More to come tomorrow and the next few days. And I promise you something: I am never leaving New York City again. Ever. You can take that to the bank.(If that expression even exists.)