“Mutha Teresa”, starring Paris Hilton, written by Jason Mulgrew
Jason posted on February 27th, 2006

This has got to be a joke.  I mean, it just has to be.

If Paris Hilton is playing Mother Teresa, I want in on this film.  I have already contacted my agent and will do everything I can to get a piece of this action, preferring to write or co-write this film.   

Here’s my pitch:

The story will follow the life of Mother Teresa (Paris Hilton), from her lowly beginnings as a girl in Macedonia to her founding of the Missionaries of Charity to winning the Nobel Prize.  But these developments will only serve to move the story forward.  Instead of focusing on all this stuff which we already all know about anyway, the story will focus on the real Mother Teresa, the one that few outside her inner circle really knew.  Much like Martin Scorsese’s "The Last Temptation of Christ" showed us the sexy side of Jesus, "The Loves of Mother Teresa" will show us the woman behind the saint. 

After a brief history of Mother Teresa’s early years, our story begins with a 23 year-old Mother Teresa making the acquaintance of Darpak Nehru (Jason Mulgrew), suave Calcutta socialite and rapscallion.  Teresa meets Darpak when she is newly arrived in Calcutta and searching for donors for her school, St. Mary’s.  Darpak is immediately taken with her Balkan charm, and the two begin a complex relationship that will last for decades.  When they first meet, Teresa is still not officially a nun, but is committed to Jesus and her faith.  Darpak is married to the beautiful Mallika Datla (Elisha Cuthbert), the most beautiful girl in Calcutta and daughter to the Minister of the Interior.  Though the film will feature several explicit and almost downright nasty sex scenes with Darpak and Mallika, they are not truly in love with each other and so spend their times at debaucherous parties, drinking, carousing, and being unfulfilled.  In Teresa, Darpak finds the woman that Mallika is not: loving, loyal, and true (though still very hot).  

Darpak will court Teresa for four years, trying to pry her away from her vows of chastity by proclaiming his love for her.  He finds comfort in his good friend Hardik Advani (Gary Busey and Nick Nolte, kinda like how Mary Kate and Ashley Olson both played Michelle on "Full House"), a school chum of Darpak’s.  Through the years, Hardik advises Darpak to stay away from Teresa and be content with his wife Mallika.  But his advice is not out of friendship, but out of self-interest - he too is in love with Teresa.  But bound to his friend, both out of loyalty and because Darpak has provided the slow-witted Hardik with a secure job and life, Hardik must suffer in silence.

Teresa meanwhile, confides in her friend Jeevika Visvayu (Kate Beckinsale), a fellow nun in the Sisters of Loreto.  Jeevika is a lusty nun and encourages the pious Teresa to go after Darpak, who is handsome, rich, and supposedly a terrific lover.  This only causes Teresa more mental turmoil, as she fears that there will come a day when she will finally have to decide between her faith and her desire.

That day comes as Teresa is preparing to make her final vows.  As the ultimate sign of his devotion, Darpak will go against his friend Hardik’s advice and divorce Mallika (though not after a final sex scene).  By doing so, Darpak loses everything that he previously held dear: his status, wealth, and power.  This will enrage Hardik, whose fortunes depended upon Darpak’s high status.  However, it will strike a chord with Teresa.  So moved by his devotion, Teresa will finally succumb and will spend one steamy Calcutta night in the arms of Darpak, the two of them moving mountains with their love-making, their shrieks of pleasure echoing throughout the markets of the town. 

[By the way, this the first time I've ever felt creepy or weird about writing something on this blog.  I've been ok with everything else, but a Mother Teresa sex scene just makes me feel a little "eww", even if it does involve Paris Hilton.  Just wanted to let you know that.]

However, after their night of pleasure, Teresa will have a crisis of conscience and in a typical woman moment, will freak out about their love-making.  She will tell Darpak that she can never see him again and two weeks later, she will make her final profession of vows and will henceforth be known as "Mother" Teresa.  Shamed, Darpak moves from Calcutta to some tiny Indian village or some shit, but not after a forty minute sex scene with Jeevika, who is just a F-R-E-A-K in the sack.  Hardik, angry that has lost both his status and the presence of Teresa in his life, vows revenge.  Teresa goes with God and begins her life anew.

Over the next six hours, we will follow Teresa as she dedicates her life to God and moves on after Darpak.  Throughout her journey, she is haunted by the memory of Darpak, his gorgeous eyes, his strong shoulders, his terrific beard, his lustrous chest hair, and his knowledge of how to treat a woman.  Meanwhile, Darpak, in his shitty Indian village, converts to Catholicism and begins studying the Bible, realizing that the only true way to Teresa’s heart is through the Lord.  All the while, from a basement room in Delhi, Hardik is planning his revenge, preparing to exact it as soon as he finds out where Darpak is hiding. 

Just as Teresa’s profile increases, Darpak’s stock rises in his archdiocese, and he is soon a bishop.  Teresa, now internationally renowned, returns to St. Mary’s, her former school, to speak with the students there and convey the message of Christ.  Darpak informs his superiors that he is leaving the shitty Indian village to seek out Teresa.  When Hardik hears of Teresa’s upcoming appearance, he knows Darpak will be there, and so goes to seek vengeance.   

This story winds up in an exciting climax which I share not reveal here, lest I spoil the movie for you.  Also, I haven’t thought of it yet, but that’s a minor detail.  People make shit up on the spot all the time in Hollywood. 

But I tell you this: I am ready, willing, and able to work on this film.  I even have the rest of the cast worked out: 

Pope John Paul II – Tom Sizemore
John Cardinal O’Connor, Archbishop of NYC – Robert Downey, Jr.
Tungar Manmeet, Church superior to Darpak — Donald Sutherland
Padma Charan, assistant to Mother Teresa — Drew Barrymore
Nuns of Missionaries of Charity - The Pussycat Dolls
Vince Vaughn — Himself
Washer Girl that Darpak Has Sex with #1: Josie Maran
Washer Girl that Darpak Has Sex with #2: Scarlett Johnansson
Washer Girl that Darpak Has Sex with #3: Annette Bening
Soundtrack by Michael McDonald

So keep your ears to the ground.  I’ll let you know of any developments, but look for a late 2007 release.