(FYI: My friends have taken to calling me "Larry Awesome." Apparently, I have become so unbearable over the past few months, talking exclusively of myself, my accomplishments, my problems, and my fame, that "Larry Awesome" is now how I am referred to by my close friends. You know, since I’m so self-proclaimedly awesome and all. However I don’t know where the "Larry" part comes from. At any rate, it’s nice to see my friends finally turning against me. We all knew it was only a matter of time. On with the fucking post…)

Jury duty sucks. Big time. But thanks to a seemingly-unending string of luck, I was once again able to beat the system and get out of jury duty – and I didn’t even have to perjure myself!

For those unfamiliar with jury duty, this is what happens. First, you get a notice to report. Then, you throw out this notice. Repeat this four times. Finally, you’ll get a fifth notice, which says "NON-COMPLIANCE" in big red letters. "NON-COMPLIANCE", for all you non-legal scholars, means roughly, "We are seriously going to fuck you up if you don’t show up."

So you go to jury duty. After passing through various metal detectors, you get to sit in a "pool room" with about 150 other jurors. The amount of time you sit there depends upon how many trials are starting that day. When prospective jurors are needed, they will randomly call out 50 or so names. Then you go to an actual courtroom.

In the courtroom, the judge, usually an old dude, will explain what the trial is about and what is going to happen. In the courtroom with the judge will be the defendant (the person accused of the crime, usually a black or brown person), the defendant’s attorney (usually slovenly and balding), an assistant district attorney (prosecuting the case, usually a tired-looking 28 year old), a court reporter (a gay or a woman), a clerk (a very bored person), and two officers (who look like they just came from the Hairy Monk in Bay Ridge).

(Hang in there with me – almost done.)

Then once again, randomly names are called. Those names called are required to sit in the jury box. There, the judge will ask a series of questions, namely:

- In what Manhattan neighborhood do you live and for how long?
- What do you do for a living?
- Marital status? Occupation of spouse?
- Do you know any police officers or lawyers?
- Ever served on jury duty?

While the judge is asking these questions, the attorneys are sizing up potential jurors and scribbling down notes. Once the judge finishes asking the 20 jurors in the box his questions, the attorneys can ask away.

The attorneys will get more in-depth with questions. Once they’re done, everyone has to leave the courtroom while the attorneys argue about who gets on the jury. Jurors are brought back in, and the 20 are divided into excused or on the jury. The process repeats itself until the jury has 14 members (12 regulars and 2 alternates).

That, in a nutshell, is jury duty.

See how fucking boring it was to read all that? Well, it’s about 1000 times worse to live through it.

The boredom, I can’t help you with. Bring a book, bring a cell phone with games on it, bring a computer – whatever you can to pass the time. But I can tell you how to get out of having to serve on the jury. Just follow one of these five easy steps and you’ll be out of there in no time.

Be Smart
If you’re either dumb or churchy, you’re in trouble. Remember, attorneys are looking for people who are easily manipulated. If they see that they are much smarter than you or that you have morals, you are in some deep shit.

The good news is that these attorneys are not very smart. I sat through two bouts of questionings, so I got to see two judges, two sets of attorneys, etc. Of the two defense attorneys I saw, I could smell one’s cologne from the jury box ten feet away and the other had a piece of hot dog stuck in his beard. So they didn’t exactly scream "Legal Scholar" to me.

And the ADA’s, while I’m sure they’re intelligent, look like they’ve been pulling 80 hour weeks for the past six months. And that’s cool and all, but not when you’re making $45,000/year because you want to do something "good" and have $120,000 in law school debts. You know what’s "good"? Paying your shit off and being rich. That’s good.

So, if you’re able to, flex some intellectual muscle. I would suggest, if you’re not very bright, dropping some big words. For example, in the course of my questioning, I used the following words: perspicacious, recapitulate, insouciant, gravitas. Now, I only have a general idea of what these words actually mean, but simply using them in a semi-appropriate context was enough to raise a red flag on me. Check.

Know Some Lawyers
Remember, attorneys are looking for jurors completely ignorant of the law. If you know an attorney, that means that you probably know a little bit about the law. And the last thing an attorney wants is a juror who knows the law or, even worse, thinks he or she knows the law.

Fortunately, as I work in a law firm, I know tons of lawyers, and I said as such when questioned. However, I do not know any lawyers in the criminal practice of law. So I guess we’ll have to give me a half-check on this one – enough to raise an eyebrow, but not a juror dealbreaker.

Know Some Cops
I have to send a bottle of liquor to my buddy Joey, who is a New York City police officer out in Brooklyn, because he helped me out big time here.

If you’re at a criminal trial, odds are that a cop is going to testify. One thing that the judge and two attorneys stress is that as a juror you must view all testimony with equal credibility. For example, you shouldn’t give the testimony of Officer O’Malley greater credence than the testimony of bodega employee Sharif Al-Jimal just because the former is an officer.

This is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. Of course I’m going to believe a cop’s testimony over some random dude’s. If we’re in a court of law, it seems almost counter-intuitive not to give greater credibility to the officer. This is not good for the defense attorney, since in all likelihood a cop is going to get up on the stand and say, "Yes, that dude robbed the store."

So when you say that you know a cop, you’re suggesting that you have might have this inclination – to believe an officer’s testimony over another’s. You are biased. Therefore, you are dismissed. Check for me.

[I should say this now: please don't email me arguing points of law or theories of law. I'm still digging out from all the jazz suggestions (thank you all, by the way), and do not need any more emails at this moment. Boobies pictures, however, are always welcome.]

Come From a Family of Criminals
One thing that you all neglected to mention to me when you wrote in offering me tips on how to get out of jury duty: When all the questioning is over, the judges asks, "Have you or anyone close to you ever been accused or committed a serious crime?" If the answer is "yes" to either, you’ve pretty much guaranteed yourself a free pass.

Well, fortunately for me, I come from a family of criminals. I knew my dad had a bit of a past, but I recently learned that he was temporarily held for attempted murder. I won’t go into this here (you’ll have to pay for this story in about a year), but everything worked out in the end. Also, my grandfather, god bless his soul, was basically a career criminal. So that’s two scores for me!

When the judge asked this of the group, I raised my hand and had a sidebar with the judge, clerk, reporter, and attorneys. I told them the situation and I could tell, then and there, that I wasn’t going to jury.

However, I really went off and am surprised at how willing I was to throw my dad under the bus for the sake of getting out of jury duty. Good lord. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets arrested sometime in the next week for all the stuff I told the lawyers, judge, etc. I was pulling out all the stops, just so I didn’t have to sit on that trial.

Jason Mulgrew, Loyal Son.

Check for me. Big time.

Just Be a Dick
The thing is, even if you don’t fit one of the four other ways to get out of jury duty, all you have to do is be a dick and you’ll get out of it. The attorneys are not going to make anyone serve if they clearly don’t want to. So if you display a carefree or aggressive attitude when answering the questions, you can get out of it.

And I’m not talking about telling the judge that you hate women and Native Americans or saying "fuck" or "word is bond" after every answer. Since it’s hard for me to play the dick card, I went for the "guy who doesn’t give a fuck but who has a kind heart and means well" role.

For example:

Judge: "What do you do for a living?"
Me: "I work at a law firm and I’m a writer."
Judge: "Are you a lawyer?"
Me: "God, no."
[mild laughter]
Judge: "What do you write?"
Me: "Well, um, comedy. Supposedly."
[increased laughter]
Judge: "Did you write any lines for John Stewart last night?"
Me: "He wishes!"
[courtroom roars, I light cigarette, Juror #15 starts rubbing my crotch]

Additionally, when asked about my cop buddy in another courtroom:

Judge: "Does your police officer friend talk much about his job to you?"
Me: "Only at Happy Hour!"
[chuckles]
Judge: [smiling] "Good to know New York’s Finest can relax every once in a while."
Me: "Oh, he relaxes all the time. He’s a terrible cop!"
[courtroom erupts, defense attorney high-fives me, three women simultaneously orgasm]

So the fact that I was free-wheeling like it was Night at the Improv while someone’s life was on the line (not in a death penalty way, but going to prison is going to fuck up your life, even if it’s only for a few months) pretty much guaranteed that I wasn’t going to be deciding the defendants’ fates.

Of course, I realize that you are not as funny as I am, but if you approach the questioning in the same manner, you should be fine. Relax, act like you don’t care, smile a lot. What they want are people who look terrified, serious, overcome by the gravity (or, if you will, gravitas) of the situation. Be a dick and you’ll be fine.

Reason #5? Check.

*****************************

So if you follow these five steps, you are almost guaranteed to get out of jury duty. But if all else fails, you could do any of several activities that are sure to get you out of jury duty but might cause you to perjure yourself. Pretend you are mute. Pretend you don’t speak English. Piss yourself. Throw up on the person next to you. Stick your hand down your pants. Say your mom died in a tornado two days ago. Carry around a picture of your penis. You know, whatever works best for you.