Arguably one of the best parts of being "famous" is that you get to tell women in bars that you have an agent.  As you might guess, I try to take advantage of this whenever I can:

Girl: "I work in public relations and -"
Me: "I have an agent."
Girl: "That’s cool.  I mean, I like PR and all, but I’m not sure if – "
Me: "MY AGENT IS HANDSOME!"

or

Girl: "I’m getting a beer – do you want one?"
Me: "Funny you mention that – my agent usually buys me drinks when I’m in LA."
Girl: "So you do or you don’t want one?"
Me: "You know, I remember this one time my agent and I were having drinks at Chateau Marmot – it’s this really nice hotel in LA – and my agent says, ‘How do you do it?’ and I was all like ‘What?’ and he was all like ‘Get so many blowjobs from such beautiful women’ and I was all confused but then I looked down and wouldn’t you know it, two women were fellating me.  Two women!  And I didn’t even notice!  And they were totally hot!  So anyway, I looked at my agent and – "
[Girl gets up from table]
Me: "Hey – where are you going?"
[Girl walks out of bar]
Me: [shouting after girl] "It’s not my fault that you’re a lesbian!  Just because Daddy didn’t give you enough love doesn’t mean you should shy away from this!" [points at genitals] "Yeah, that’s right." [motions to homosexual male couple] "You guys know what I’m talking about."

So thank you, Agent Joel, for being my number one conversation piece.

But in addition to having an agent (and sometimes a publicist), I also have two lawyers, Alex and Gregg.  I am very indebted to Alex and Gregg, because, even though I am surely their crappiest client (by far), they take very good care of me and make sure to return all my stupid emails and frantic voicemails.  However, I may have pushed them too far this week, since I sent them an email on Monday and haven’t heard back since:

Guys,

2) Hypothetically speaking, say I have a friend who’s sleeping with a seventeen year old girl.  What kind of trouble can he get in for this?  I mean, we’re not talking jail time, right?  Is it a fine?  If so, how much?  Is it probation?  And what can’t you do on probation?  You can drink on probation, right?  And what if this girl didn’t tell my friend she was 17 until after they already slept together?  Is he then grandfathered out or anything?  I mean, once you do it once, it doesn’t matter how many times you do it thereafter, right?  She’ll be 18 in ten months, if that matters. 

Anyway, please get back to me when you get a chance.

Also, when the fuck am I getting paid?  I know it’s not your fault, but I’m fucking dying over here.  Christ.   

Love,
Jason

I’m anxiously awaiting their responses and will keep you abreast. 

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I was on the phone with my friend Nicole at work yesterday:

Nicole: "So what’s going on?"
Me: "Oh, nothing much.  Chillin’, billin’.  You?"
Nicole: "Well, school sucks."
Me: [noise of intense satisfaction] "Mmmmmm…"
Nicole: "What?"
Me: "Oh sorry.  I had two donuts for breakfast and just licked my moustache and tasted some leftover glaze."
Nicole: "It’s almost 3pm.  That’s disgusting."

Ladies, once again, I am available.  And if any mothers are reading this, I am more than willing to be set up with your daughters.  My email address is the in upper right.  Quite a catch, am I.   

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It’s that time of year again: I will soon be moving.  It’s still a little early, as I’m not looking to move into a new apartment until May 1, but I’m putting the word out.  So if you know of anyone who has a one-bedroom that is available May 1 preferably in the Lower East Side, East Village, or Alphabet City area (although I’m willing to consider anything below 34th Street), please let me know.  Keep an eye out for me.  I’m hoping to spend around $1800, but that is flexible.  So keep those donations coming!

(And yes, Brian and I are splitting up.  It’s too soon to talk about this, but I will discuss in time.)

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Speaking of assholes, you guys are a bunch of dicks.  I posted a reminder about the email list on Monday and a whole shitload of you signed up.  Which is good. 

But this is bad because you’re supposed to have already signed up.  Which means that you a) either don’t care about this list and by extension me; or b) you’re not reading the shit to the right of the posts.  Site Guy Brendan and I tried to make the "Sign up for the monthly email!" thing as visible as possible, but it appears that you’re only going to sign up in mass quantities when I announce it.  Such is life, I guess.  So I suppose that a week before I send out a monthly email, I’ll announce it here.  That’s how it’s gonna be.

But please, read the shit to the right.  It’s all good.  Mostly. 

(But thank you for signing up.  If you haven’t, do so.  And again, if you have any questions, go here.)

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Look guys, if you want to be linked on the "Friends" page, and you email me saying as much, you should probably have me linked on your blog.

This is not only common sense but common courtesy.  If you send me an email and say "Link me!" but then when I look at your site and you don’t have a link to me, I’m definitely not going to link to you.  I mean, c’mon.

There are only two requirements to be linked: link me and write some good stuff (very good stuff).  Otherwise, no dice.   

Also, and I realize that I might be digging my own grave here, but if you’ve sent me an email since March 1 that a) does NOT involve vegetarian tips, advice on how to get out of jury duty, or jazz suggestions; and b) is IMPORTANT, you’re probably just going to have to resend it.  I tried answering some emails the other night but couldn’t go that far back because there are too many right now. 

I think that in the future, whenever I ask for suggestions, I’m going to have to put a time limit on them, like, "If you are reading this after 7pm EST, please do NOT email tips/suggestions/answers, etc."  But I know that I regularly get emails that ask for advice or are very funny and I haven’t been able to read/process/get back to these in recent weeks.  For example, this morning I got a phenomenal email that will inspire a 3000 word post.  So resend anything that is not veggie/jury/jazz-related and is IMPORTANT (i.e. that don’t say "You suck" or "You’re good" or anything like that – substance here, people). 

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Six Songs

"It’s All in My Mind"  Teenage Fanclub
If you’re keeping count, this is the third Teenage Fanclub song I’ve pimped on here.  God I love them.  I listened to this song about twenty times in a row last night and I think I was hypnotized by the end of the night.  But then I beat off and that brought everything back into perspective.

"Book of Love"  Fleetwood Mac
Awhile back, I mentioned how my roommate Brian and I talk about "Asshole Rock."  It’s very difficult to explain, but you know it when you hear it.  For example, the Moody Blues are Asshole Rock.  Again, I can’t explain it, but to me, the Moody Blues just scream "Asshole Rock", whatever it is. 

Fleetwood Mac might also be added to the Asshole Rock pantheon, especially after hearing this song.  This song exemplifies Fleetwood Mac to a tee: thick choral harmonies, a perfect acoustic/electric mix, and most importantly, a profound sense of confusion over whether you hate or love them after listening to their stuff.  At one point in the day, I can listen to this song and think, "This is the dumbest fucking song I’ve ever heard in my life."  Catch me a few hours later and I might be taking Stevie Nicks’ part in the harmony.  No other band makes me feel so conflicted or ambivalent as Fleetwood Mac. 

On a semi-related note, has anyone proved that you can be nasty at guitar but still extremely uncool better than Lindsey Buckingham?  I mean, he’s a great guitar player, but I don’t think I’d want to have a beer with him.  His name alone rubs me the wrong way: "Lindsey Buckingham".  Not to mention that every time I listen to "Tusk", especially the live version off "The Dance", I cringe as he screams like a goddamn weirdo.  I can just see Mick Fleetwood sitting behind the drums when Lindsey belts out a weird scream thinking, "Christ, Lindsey – take it down a notch already." 

"Gimme A Little Sign"  Brenton Wood
One of my favorite oldies song.  I like it from the first line: "If you do want me/Give me a little sugar."  I’m currently reading a book called "The Sex Life of Food" by the ridiculously named Bunny Crumpacker, and among other things it notes how we use food in sexual terminology.  For example, one of my favorite things to say to ladies I’m making it with is, "Get over here and give me some sugar" (then of course I fall asleep because I’m so drunk and full of pizza).  Also, one of the highest compliments I can give is to tell a girl that she has "honey in her hips" ("Honey In Your Hips" is an old Yardbirds song).  In Mulgrew-speak, if I say this to/about you, it means roughly "I will strangle another person and possibly even a crappy cousin to sleep with you."   

But I also enjoy the song because I personally like signs.  I need signs, as I am obtuse.  And self-absorbed.  So if you do want me, give me a little sugar already. 

But I also enjoy the song because I personally like signs.  I need signs, as I am obtuse.  And self-absorbed.  So if you do want me, give me a little sugar already. 

"Stay Awhile"  Journey
I have a question: Do people like Journey because it’s funny and/or ironic to like Journey or because they enjoy Journey’s music?  While I’ll grant you that few things make me happier than seeing a Journey video on VH1 Classic, I say without a hint of sarcasm or irony that Journey released some great music.  I’m not sure which version of this song I like better – the studio version from "Departure", which is more romantic, or the live version, which is charged with sexual intensity.  I suppose it depends what mood I’m in.  But if I had to make a list of potential wedding songs (which I will do eventually), this would definitely be on there.   

"God Only Knows"  Langley Schools Music Project
A bunch of Canadian school kids from the 70′s singing the Beach Boys and other classics.  Obviously there is something sweet about this song, both generally and in their version, but I think I might be getting a little tired of "God Only Knows" (it’s featured in another project – as the theme song to HBO’s "Big Love", the mildly-entertaining polygamy show after "The Sopranos").  Still, they do a very nice job, especially in the outro.  And hey – they’re just kids!  They do a couple of other songs too; "Good Vibrations" is a bit of a stretch but "Sweet Caroline" is quite nice, although lacking in the "So good! So good! So good!" between lines of the chorus that I so savor. 

"Soon You Will Be Leaving Your Man"  Bright Eyes
I’m really torn about this song.  I CAN’T STAND Conor Oberst’s voice/delivery.  It’s just a pet peeve; some people don’t like Geddy Lee’s voice, I don’t like Conor Oberst’s.  But on the other hand, the music and lyrics are great (I like the acoustic version better than the electric).  But on the other, third hand, if some dude said any of this to a girl I was dating, I’d punch him in the fucking mouth.  So that’s 1) revulsion at the singer’s voice, 2) heartache while listening to the lyrics, and 3) anger after processing the lyrics and pretending they’re said to my fake girlfriend.  Quite a ride, so worthy of a mention.

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Off to Boston until Monday for St. Patty’s Day.  Will post, most likely, again on Tuesday (though possibly Monday, as I am taking the Sex Bus, which has internet).  Godspeed and wish me luck.  I am going to get fucked up this weekend. 

Have a good weekend.