emails (Larry Awesome’s Guide To Having a Threesome)
19 April 2006
It’s been a while since I’ve answered any emails on here, mostly because I’ve been terrible at keeping up with them. Because I now have to work 50 hours a week, write a book, and write a TV show, I had to free up some time somewhere. Therefore, spending an hour or two a night responding to emails was sacrificed. I’m sorry about this, and it doesn’t mean that I love you any less, but I’m this close to become a complete cokehead in order to make it through the day. And with my heart in shambles, that’s not a very good idea. So I stink at emails now.
But here’s one from Tim in Philly that I thought required a thoughtful, articulate, lusty, misguided, and completely unhelpful response. Jason,
Tim OK. Let’s get the part of the answer where I talk about me out of the way first.I feel like I am uniquely qualified to answer this question, not because something like this happened to me, but because I WANT TO HAVE A THREESOME MORE THAN ANY MAN ALIVE. I know that I employ hyperbole often on this site, but trust me, this is not exaggeration. Everything that I do – every time I put in an extra hour at work to increase my bonus, every time I sit down at my computer to try to be funny, every time I masturbate and flex my puboccocceygeus muscle to increase my sexual stamina - it is all ad majorem threesome gloriam. Countless female friends have countered that my dream of a threesome would ultimately be disappointing or that I’d have no idea of what to do, but I reply that “threesome” and “overrated” don’t go together and that I don’t know what I’m doing with one woman; with a threesome at least I’d be able to see two naked chicks at the same time. I have spent many, many (many, many) hours thinking about threesome scenarios. And I am ready to impart my wisdom to you, Tim.[Nevermind that I've never actually had one. I'm close. At least that's what I keep telling myself.] First, the facts. Tim was dating his girlfriend. They broke up but remained friends, sometimes made out, and Tim thought they’d get back together. Then the Girlfriend went out with a girl. The Girlfriend liked that and continued to date the Girl. Tim felt sick. Now Tim wants a) in on the action; or b) to end Girlfriend/Girl’s relationship.[For the record, I don't understand why people break up and then continue to talk to/spend time with their ex's. This causes infinitely more problems than it is worth (as evinced by Tim's situation) and is an invitation to emotional retardation (as it inhibits subsequent relationships) and further heartbreak (do you really want to watch someone you were once in love with eat Thai food from across the table and not be able to reach out and touch them? You really think that's a good idea?). Rare is the relationship that ends because one of those involved no longer has any feelings for the other. Lingering feelings are inherent in break ups. To keep the ex in your life is to foster these lingering feelings at your own demise. When you remove the ex from your life, you remove this and other problems. Break ups are just that, a "break." A break up is not a demotion, whereby one goes from "love of my life" to "friend." That's just not how it works. And if you act like it does, you are entering a world of pain.] [That was me being horribly, horribly judgmental. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.][But, I mean, am I wrong?] The sensitive man in me (yes, he is in there, locked deep a cage near my colon where he is fed only Starburst and powdered milk) would recommend that Tim first figure out what he really wants: to have the threesome or to break the relationship up. Though both are rooted in Tim’s desire to have the affection of the Girlfriend, the two paths are wildly divergent. It sounds like Tim still has feelings for the Girlfriend. If he truly wants her back, he should go with the latter. But if he wants to just have fun and do something nasty that most men only see in VHS, DVD, or mpeg formats, then he should go with the threesome. There is a KEY piece of information missing: when, exactly, did Tim and Girlfriend stop making out? This is vital. If Tim continued to make out with the Girlfriend after she started seeing the Girl, Tim’s chance of having a threesome might be much stronger. However, if the Girlfriend stopping making out with Tim when she started seeing the Girl, the threesome might be more difficult. Might. However, I don’t have this information. Still, I will try my best to answer the question.First, Tim, I like where your head is at. Yes, the Girlfriend is most likely going through a crazy phase (albeit an awesome crazy phase) if she’s banging around with another chick. That is almost a given. While it is possible that the Girlfriend is finally giving forth to years of built up lesbianism, it’s more likely that she first found post-break up emotional comfort in this Girl and the sex they are having is secondary to this. It is Tim’s job, as a person with a penis and therefore much more common sense, to properly manipulate this craziness so that his bird winds up in two girls’ mouths at the same time. There are two elements necessary for this threesome to occur and Tim must at all times operate under a single guiding principle. The elements are booze and insouciance. The principle is that women love the Irreplaceable Penis.The required presence of copious amounts of booze or other narcotics is easily understood. Christ, I can’t even get a girl to make out with me unless she’s had so many Kamikaze shots that her eyes are rolling into the back of her head and she’s speaking in tongues, so I’m assuming it’s going to take a lot of alcohol to get things going on with a threesome. Insouciance is just as important as booze. Really, I’ve found that there’s no better guiding principle in relationship than using indifference to get what you want. I know I’ve written it before, having stolen it from a movie that I won’t name out of embarrassment, but we really do pursue that which retreats from us. There is no greater turn on than being seemingly turned off. Lovers like the challenge. It’s all very primitive, really. And you must remember at all times that your bird is your biggest asset (well, maybe not biggest, but best). I don’t want to sound like Tom Cruise in ”Magnolia” and start chanting “Respect the cock!”, but girls like birds just as much as we like their you-know-what’s. There is no substitute for The Bird, the Great Irreplaceable Penis. Nor is there any substitute for easy, repeat sex. These are two heavy things that Tim has in his corner. Now we just have to combine the three.This probably isn’t going to happen overnight. You are going to have to reach a certain comfort level with the Girlfriend and more importantly the Girl before the threesome goes down. Conversely, if it doesn’t happen shortly after you start on your plan, it’s not going to happen at all. If you fall into “the friend zone”, it’s over. So here’s how you do it.First, Tim has to meet the Girl. He must arrange it so that all three of them are together in a drinking situation. But this is important: he can’t let on at this point that he wants a threesome. Remember, indifference is key. Tim should be casual, friendly, and non-competitive, but each action must have a faint whiff of nonchalance. This will (hopefully) accomplish two things. First, the Girl will let her guard down and not be threatened by Tim. Maybe he really is over the Girlfriend, which will make the Girl happy. Second, the Girlfriend will also think that he is over her, but this will have the opposite effect on her. No one – and I mean no one – wants to be gotten over. When faced with this situation, the primal human reaction is to say, “You’re over me? Well, we’ll see about that.” This leads to the next step. Eventually, maybe after two or three times of hanging out in the presence of the Girlfriend and the Girl, Tim should sleep with the Girlfriend – alone. Careful not to make any moves in front of the Girl, Tim needs to get the Girlfriend in the sack. After all, he’s going to have to sleep with her either way, whether he wants the threesome or wants to break them up, so this will hedge his bets. I have no idea how he should do this – if I knew how to properly seduce a woman, I wouldn’t spend every Tuesday evening beating off into a freshly washed and still warm fleece blanket – but no seduction can take place in front of the Girl. The Girlfriend should be secretly raging with jealousy (and lust) about having been gotten over and willing to prove what she’s made of/what Tim’s missing over some casual sex. Remember the ancient rule I referenced way back in the Upper Hand post: once you sleep with someone, it’s totally not a big deal to sleep with them again. Word is bond. Before we get to the third and final step, a small note about the sex that Tim and the Girlfriend must have. Tim and the Girlfriend can’t put on some Van Morrison, drink a glass of port, stroke each other’s hair, say things like “I love the way your eyes look in the candle light” and “When you touch me, it’s electric”, and then make love missionary-style. After climaxing, which they both would do quietly and tastefully, they can’t kiss the sweat from each other face’s, cuddle, and giggle, eventually falling asleep nude in each other’s arms. No, that is not the kind of sex we are talking about. Tim and the Girlfriend need to have criminal sex, sex that literally might get them arrested if anyone else witnesses it. I’m talking about Tim putting on Mountain’s “Mississippi Queen” so loud that the walls shake, showing up in the bedroom balls naked except for a skinhead boots, brandishing a broken bottle of whiskey, and screaming things like “I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU WITH MY PENIS! I AM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER YOU WITH MY PENIS!” I’m talking about the Girlfriend wearing nothing but barbed wire, masturbating to a hardcore Scheiße film (German shit porn), and pulling her own hair out in clumps because she wants to be murdered with a penis so badly. Their shrieks of orgasm, of which there should be several, should be so loud and devastating as to kill all animals under twenty pounds within a two miles radius. I’m talking about Tim, post climax, giving the Girlfriend a three count before he ties off the used condom like a water balloon and chases the naked Girlfriend around the apartment to hit her with it. Before he throws her out, they both punch each other in the face and simultaneously orgasm. This is the kind of sex that Tim and the Girlfriend should have. [Is anyone else really turned on right now?] Once some crazy sex is established, now comes the clincher. Before said crazy sex loses its edge, Tim should hint or suggest to the Girlfriend that she should get the Girl involved. This suggestion should be brought up after the second time Tim and the Girlfriend have had criminal sex. This timing is critical. As I said, the sex can’t lose it’s kinky edge. It should still be dangerous, make the Girlfriend feel a little guilty, and not allow the Girlfriend to start thinking that she and Tim are getting back together. That’s the thing about threesomes; they only work if all parties involved are convinced it’s purely physical. That is not to say that parties involved can’t have feelings for each other, but that the particular moment of the threesome should be only about doin’ it. Get your nut off and get the F out. Here is where the booze – and some luck – comes in. Tim and the Girlfriend should now be a team and work to seduce the Girl. The suggestion for the threesome should be made by the Girlfriend to the Girl in a social situation. All three should be bombed. The Girlfriend should spend the night heavily flirting with the Girl, but also occasionally flirting with Tim (though nothing too extreme to make the girlfriend jealous). At this point, it’s up to fate. Either the Girl, warmed by alcohol and flirtation, will agree to the sex and the three of our heroes will enter into a world of sensual delights that few are able to experience. Or, offended by the suggestion, the Girl and Girlfriend have a fight that hopefully ends in a break up. Either way, Tim gets to hit his ex-girlfriend with a semen-filled condom water balloon. So that’s pretty sweet.To recapitulate, in order to realize his dream of a threesome Tim must: 1) Meet the Girl and Girlfriend, be cool
2) Have crazy sexy with the Girlfriend
3) Team up with the Girlfriend to seduce the GirlSo that is how, according to me, Larry Awesome, you have a threesome. And if you don’t like this idea Tim, just fucking get some hookers. Or start a website and ask every girl that emails you if she’d like to be in a threesome. Whichever.(Actually, go with the hookers. A friend of mine has been trying the latter since February of 2004 and it hasn’t worked out for him. Not even close.) [Post Script - I know that I took a lot for granted here: that the Girl is not a butch lesbian and has at least some bisexual tendencies; that the Girlfriend will sleep with Tim again; that the Girlfriend will even be up for the threesome in the first place, etc. But I had to take some liberties or else you were getting a post about the end of the NBA season and the sorry state of the Sixers. So shut up.]
A while ago I broke up with my girlfriend, and neither one of us had really moved on. We stayed pretty good friends and would make out a little when we saw each other and neither of had dated anyone since. I always kinda thought we would get back together. Then about three weeks ago I found out she had a date and it was with a girl. I was put off a little but not too upset. You know, I was thinking to myself. How serious can it be? She’s probably just lonely and experimenting. Man this could be pretty hot and maybe I could get my self involved etc… Then this week I found out that she has been seeing this person about 3 times a week and basically they were officially dating. Well i nearly threw up.
Wondering if you know how I can get this to work out well for me. By that I mean, either get invited into 3-ways on a consistent basis, or get them to break up. I figure she is dating a girl so there is a better than average chance she is crazy and things won’t work out, but any advice you have to speed this up would be great.
Thanks,Tim OK. Let’s get the part of the answer where I talk about me out of the way first.I feel like I am uniquely qualified to answer this question, not because something like this happened to me, but because I WANT TO HAVE A THREESOME MORE THAN ANY MAN ALIVE. I know that I employ hyperbole often on this site, but trust me, this is not exaggeration. Everything that I do – every time I put in an extra hour at work to increase my bonus, every time I sit down at my computer to try to be funny, every time I masturbate and flex my puboccocceygeus muscle to increase my sexual stamina - it is all ad majorem threesome gloriam. Countless female friends have countered that my dream of a threesome would ultimately be disappointing or that I’d have no idea of what to do, but I reply that “threesome” and “overrated” don’t go together and that I don’t know what I’m doing with one woman; with a threesome at least I’d be able to see two naked chicks at the same time. I have spent many, many (many, many) hours thinking about threesome scenarios. And I am ready to impart my wisdom to you, Tim.[Nevermind that I've never actually had one. I'm close. At least that's what I keep telling myself.] First, the facts. Tim was dating his girlfriend. They broke up but remained friends, sometimes made out, and Tim thought they’d get back together. Then the Girlfriend went out with a girl. The Girlfriend liked that and continued to date the Girl. Tim felt sick. Now Tim wants a) in on the action; or b) to end Girlfriend/Girl’s relationship.[For the record, I don't understand why people break up and then continue to talk to/spend time with their ex's. This causes infinitely more problems than it is worth (as evinced by Tim's situation) and is an invitation to emotional retardation (as it inhibits subsequent relationships) and further heartbreak (do you really want to watch someone you were once in love with eat Thai food from across the table and not be able to reach out and touch them? You really think that's a good idea?). Rare is the relationship that ends because one of those involved no longer has any feelings for the other. Lingering feelings are inherent in break ups. To keep the ex in your life is to foster these lingering feelings at your own demise. When you remove the ex from your life, you remove this and other problems. Break ups are just that, a "break." A break up is not a demotion, whereby one goes from "love of my life" to "friend." That's just not how it works. And if you act like it does, you are entering a world of pain.] [That was me being horribly, horribly judgmental. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.][But, I mean, am I wrong?] The sensitive man in me (yes, he is in there, locked deep a cage near my colon where he is fed only Starburst and powdered milk) would recommend that Tim first figure out what he really wants: to have the threesome or to break the relationship up. Though both are rooted in Tim’s desire to have the affection of the Girlfriend, the two paths are wildly divergent. It sounds like Tim still has feelings for the Girlfriend. If he truly wants her back, he should go with the latter. But if he wants to just have fun and do something nasty that most men only see in VHS, DVD, or mpeg formats, then he should go with the threesome. There is a KEY piece of information missing: when, exactly, did Tim and Girlfriend stop making out? This is vital. If Tim continued to make out with the Girlfriend after she started seeing the Girl, Tim’s chance of having a threesome might be much stronger. However, if the Girlfriend stopping making out with Tim when she started seeing the Girl, the threesome might be more difficult. Might. However, I don’t have this information. Still, I will try my best to answer the question.First, Tim, I like where your head is at. Yes, the Girlfriend is most likely going through a crazy phase (albeit an awesome crazy phase) if she’s banging around with another chick. That is almost a given. While it is possible that the Girlfriend is finally giving forth to years of built up lesbianism, it’s more likely that she first found post-break up emotional comfort in this Girl and the sex they are having is secondary to this. It is Tim’s job, as a person with a penis and therefore much more common sense, to properly manipulate this craziness so that his bird winds up in two girls’ mouths at the same time. There are two elements necessary for this threesome to occur and Tim must at all times operate under a single guiding principle. The elements are booze and insouciance. The principle is that women love the Irreplaceable Penis.The required presence of copious amounts of booze or other narcotics is easily understood. Christ, I can’t even get a girl to make out with me unless she’s had so many Kamikaze shots that her eyes are rolling into the back of her head and she’s speaking in tongues, so I’m assuming it’s going to take a lot of alcohol to get things going on with a threesome. Insouciance is just as important as booze. Really, I’ve found that there’s no better guiding principle in relationship than using indifference to get what you want. I know I’ve written it before, having stolen it from a movie that I won’t name out of embarrassment, but we really do pursue that which retreats from us. There is no greater turn on than being seemingly turned off. Lovers like the challenge. It’s all very primitive, really. And you must remember at all times that your bird is your biggest asset (well, maybe not biggest, but best). I don’t want to sound like Tom Cruise in ”Magnolia” and start chanting “Respect the cock!”, but girls like birds just as much as we like their you-know-what’s. There is no substitute for The Bird, the Great Irreplaceable Penis. Nor is there any substitute for easy, repeat sex. These are two heavy things that Tim has in his corner. Now we just have to combine the three.This probably isn’t going to happen overnight. You are going to have to reach a certain comfort level with the Girlfriend and more importantly the Girl before the threesome goes down. Conversely, if it doesn’t happen shortly after you start on your plan, it’s not going to happen at all. If you fall into “the friend zone”, it’s over. So here’s how you do it.First, Tim has to meet the Girl. He must arrange it so that all three of them are together in a drinking situation. But this is important: he can’t let on at this point that he wants a threesome. Remember, indifference is key. Tim should be casual, friendly, and non-competitive, but each action must have a faint whiff of nonchalance. This will (hopefully) accomplish two things. First, the Girl will let her guard down and not be threatened by Tim. Maybe he really is over the Girlfriend, which will make the Girl happy. Second, the Girlfriend will also think that he is over her, but this will have the opposite effect on her. No one – and I mean no one – wants to be gotten over. When faced with this situation, the primal human reaction is to say, “You’re over me? Well, we’ll see about that.” This leads to the next step. Eventually, maybe after two or three times of hanging out in the presence of the Girlfriend and the Girl, Tim should sleep with the Girlfriend – alone. Careful not to make any moves in front of the Girl, Tim needs to get the Girlfriend in the sack. After all, he’s going to have to sleep with her either way, whether he wants the threesome or wants to break them up, so this will hedge his bets. I have no idea how he should do this – if I knew how to properly seduce a woman, I wouldn’t spend every Tuesday evening beating off into a freshly washed and still warm fleece blanket – but no seduction can take place in front of the Girl. The Girlfriend should be secretly raging with jealousy (and lust) about having been gotten over and willing to prove what she’s made of/what Tim’s missing over some casual sex. Remember the ancient rule I referenced way back in the Upper Hand post: once you sleep with someone, it’s totally not a big deal to sleep with them again. Word is bond. Before we get to the third and final step, a small note about the sex that Tim and the Girlfriend must have. Tim and the Girlfriend can’t put on some Van Morrison, drink a glass of port, stroke each other’s hair, say things like “I love the way your eyes look in the candle light” and “When you touch me, it’s electric”, and then make love missionary-style. After climaxing, which they both would do quietly and tastefully, they can’t kiss the sweat from each other face’s, cuddle, and giggle, eventually falling asleep nude in each other’s arms. No, that is not the kind of sex we are talking about. Tim and the Girlfriend need to have criminal sex, sex that literally might get them arrested if anyone else witnesses it. I’m talking about Tim putting on Mountain’s “Mississippi Queen” so loud that the walls shake, showing up in the bedroom balls naked except for a skinhead boots, brandishing a broken bottle of whiskey, and screaming things like “I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU WITH MY PENIS! I AM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER YOU WITH MY PENIS!” I’m talking about the Girlfriend wearing nothing but barbed wire, masturbating to a hardcore Scheiße film (German shit porn), and pulling her own hair out in clumps because she wants to be murdered with a penis so badly. Their shrieks of orgasm, of which there should be several, should be so loud and devastating as to kill all animals under twenty pounds within a two miles radius. I’m talking about Tim, post climax, giving the Girlfriend a three count before he ties off the used condom like a water balloon and chases the naked Girlfriend around the apartment to hit her with it. Before he throws her out, they both punch each other in the face and simultaneously orgasm. This is the kind of sex that Tim and the Girlfriend should have. [Is anyone else really turned on right now?] Once some crazy sex is established, now comes the clincher. Before said crazy sex loses its edge, Tim should hint or suggest to the Girlfriend that she should get the Girl involved. This suggestion should be brought up after the second time Tim and the Girlfriend have had criminal sex. This timing is critical. As I said, the sex can’t lose it’s kinky edge. It should still be dangerous, make the Girlfriend feel a little guilty, and not allow the Girlfriend to start thinking that she and Tim are getting back together. That’s the thing about threesomes; they only work if all parties involved are convinced it’s purely physical. That is not to say that parties involved can’t have feelings for each other, but that the particular moment of the threesome should be only about doin’ it. Get your nut off and get the F out. Here is where the booze – and some luck – comes in. Tim and the Girlfriend should now be a team and work to seduce the Girl. The suggestion for the threesome should be made by the Girlfriend to the Girl in a social situation. All three should be bombed. The Girlfriend should spend the night heavily flirting with the Girl, but also occasionally flirting with Tim (though nothing too extreme to make the girlfriend jealous). At this point, it’s up to fate. Either the Girl, warmed by alcohol and flirtation, will agree to the sex and the three of our heroes will enter into a world of sensual delights that few are able to experience. Or, offended by the suggestion, the Girl and Girlfriend have a fight that hopefully ends in a break up. Either way, Tim gets to hit his ex-girlfriend with a semen-filled condom water balloon. So that’s pretty sweet.To recapitulate, in order to realize his dream of a threesome Tim must: 1) Meet the Girl and Girlfriend, be cool
2) Have crazy sexy with the Girlfriend
3) Team up with the Girlfriend to seduce the GirlSo that is how, according to me, Larry Awesome, you have a threesome. And if you don’t like this idea Tim, just fucking get some hookers. Or start a website and ask every girl that emails you if she’d like to be in a threesome. Whichever.(Actually, go with the hookers. A friend of mine has been trying the latter since February of 2004 and it hasn’t worked out for him. Not even close.) [Post Script - I know that I took a lot for granted here: that the Girl is not a butch lesbian and has at least some bisexual tendencies; that the Girlfriend will sleep with Tim again; that the Girlfriend will even be up for the threesome in the first place, etc. But I had to take some liberties or else you were getting a post about the end of the NBA season and the sorry state of the Sixers. So shut up.]
