I am shitting myself over here as I try to meet my deadline. Of course, it will all work out in the end, but in the meantime, this is going to be a long, long week. We are easily going to break the record for "Most Conscious Hours in One Week, Non-Amphetamine Category" as I’ll be getting about three hours of sleep a night, spending my days hopped up on Diet Coke, snapping at friends and co-workers. I ordered chicken parm for dinner last night and when I took it up to my apartment, I noticed that the little Central American or Black or Whatever Man forgot to put bread in there. So I chased him down the street and threw a (plastic, 20oz) bottle of Pepsi at him. I missed by a wide margin and I don’t think he even noticed, but whatever. Fuck him. At least some tourists applauded. Point: this is not a good week to be around me.

I warned you that posting would be light this week, but I feel like I have an obligation to you. And by "have an obligation to you" I mean "have to procrastinate like a mother fucker." So below are ten things that you can do to pass the time this week as I slowly (or rather, rapidly) slip into psychosis.
(Also, I can’t wait to have sex when this is done. Oh no, wait – I can’t have sex. That’s right. Not only am I clinically impotent and horribly lonely, but I have a tremendous rash on my genitals. Well, not so much on my genitals as around them. But I’m making myself sick by writing about this in addition to destroying any slight chance that I might have of having sex again, so I’ll just stop now. By the way, I’m hallucinating. So I don’t actually have a rash. Um, yeah.)

1) Visit Pandora. I can’t stress enough what a good site this is. It works very simply: you enter an artist that you like and it will create a "radio station" around that artist, featuring songs and other artists that sound like the band you picked. Simple, but genius. Countless "Six Songs" suggestions have come from this site and I listen to this at work at least four hours a day. Sure, some of the songs that come up are total crap (John Lennon and Yoko Ono have a song called "Sunday Bloody Sunday" that is so bad I picked up the phone in my office and started banging my head with it), but it seems that once an hour I’ll hear a song that’ll blow me out of the water and the majority of the time I’m enjoying it very much. If you are not listening to this at work already, you better ask somebody. Like, for example, me.

2) Understand and appreciate the music of Charles Ramsey. Charles (or Chuck, as I call him) and I went to high school together. We were buddies but I hadn’t spoken to him since, until I found him through MySpace a few months back. I saw that he was doing music, gave a listen to his sample songs, and within minutes was emailing him, singing his praises and saying, "Dude, I had no idea you could do this!"

I sent his MySpace link to a female friend and encouraged her to listen to his stuff, but particularly my favorite track, "I Still Exist." She dug it and added, "And it’s everything you want in a song: sadness, acoustic guitar, harmony, and more sadness." That pretty much sums it up.

I feel kind of weird critiquing the music of someone I know, even if I am praising it, but suffice it to say that Chuck has a real knack for songwriting; catchy without being kitschy, sentimental without being schmaltzy. The whole cd is excellent (my favorite song, "So Much Better Off" is not on Chuck’s MySpace page). So, if you have the time, check out his stuff. You can listen to his music on his MySpace page and if you are so inclined, order his cd on his website.

[And make no mistake: at least once a day, I get an email from a shitty band asking me to pimp their music. I always give a fair listen and usually always say no, because I am very, very particular about my music. That, and I'm growing particularly sensitive to what I pimp on here. Point: this is good stuff and in the future know that anything I claim as good shit on here is really good shit. Dig?]

3) I don’t really have anything for number three.

4) Pick out my new computer. I’m getting a new computer. A laptop. When I purchased my last laptop, I left it completely in the hands of Site Guy Brendan to design the computer. I didn’t need anything fancy, just something that was portable, had Word, and could hold a crapload of (stolen) music and (pornographic) videos. I figured Brendan was the perfect guy to ask for this, since he works in computers. I mean, his fucking name is Site Guy Brendan, after all.

What I wound up with was a $2600 (!) beast of a laptop that weighs, with AC adapter, about 20 pounds. This is not an exaggeration; I have the heaviest and largest laptop in the world. Though I have absolutely no muscle, I am still a rather large individual. After carrying around this laptop for three minutes, I usually start tearing up from the pain/its heaviness.

(And the battery is horrible, too. Usually the computer shuts down after 30 minutes of use when it’s not plugged in.)

So I’m looking for suggestions. All I need is a (PC) laptop that is portable without being too miniature, has Word, and can hold a crapload of music and porn (also should be internet and wireless ready). To give you an idea of how little else I need, I have never even put a DVD in my current laptop. I just need internet, Word, and music. That’s it. So if you have any suggestions, pass them along.

(Do you guys like how I give you assignments? Should I be conflicted that on one hand I say that I’m getting most sensitive about what I pimp to you but twice a month I ask you to do something for me? Am I becoming a tyrant? If so, I love you. So there.)

5) Read some other blogs. Please be sure to visit not only our "Awesome Blogs" (which are awesome) and our "Famous Blogs" (which don’t need your traffic anyway) but also the list of blogs on the "Friends" list. I have recently removed any blogs that I didn’t think were up to par, so you’re sure that those listed are actually worthwhile reads. I won’t single out any as favorites, because that would be liking picking your favorite child and would only inspire jealousy and hatred. But I invite you to randomly click on one, read a post or two, and if you dig it, keep reading.

(But again, please only do so after you have read every single word of this one. Thank you.)

6) Read these two emails that made me laugh.

(Because this is so impromptu, I didn’t ask for permission to post names/locations, so here you go):

One day before my 30th birthday I had my camera stolen in Poland.
One day after that I got into a threesome with two german nurses (supposedly) called Sandra.
There is a god, it seems.
I know, I know, sounds like bullshit, but keep in mind that they were not hot (before the vodka) and that in the middle of everything one of them had a guilt or jealousy attack and left the room. And, as they were girlfriends, I had to go.
I guess this is what happens in 92% of the threesomes.
Except for the stolen camera.

**************

Hey Mulgrew, I’m fucking stranded in Dayton Ohio, they cancelled my flight to newark, and i am in hell. So, i turn to your site on the airport wireless network to possibly cheer me up, and this is what i get, copied and pasted from the page:

Text download (TEXT, 85431 bytes) was restricted by the text censor rule ‘Scan and block pornographic content’.

TextCensor Script ‘Pornography’ triggered with total weighting of 11

Expression ‘(big OR fine OR great OR nice OR good OR massive OR huge OR beautiful) FOLLOWEDBY=2 (tits OR pair of tits OR cleavage OR boobs OR pair of jugs OR hooters)’ triggered 1 times, weighting 2
Expression ‘(breasts OR breast) AND NOT (cancer OR anatomy OR physiology)’ triggered 1 times, weighting 2
Expression ‘blowjob*’ triggered 1 times, weighting 2
Expression ‘boner’ triggered 1 times, weighting 2
Expression ‘fetish’ triggered 1 times, weighting 1
Expression ‘fuck’ triggered 1 times, weighting 2

Contact your WebMarshal administrator if you need access to this site for business purposes.

Really, finding something to make you laugh when you are in an airport, with nowhere to go is kind of priceless. Not as priceless as a flight home.

7) Have pity on me and my lack of pooping intimacy. Twice this week I have walked into my work bathroom to poop and both times I have run into a different person I know walking out of the bathroom. Both times I then walked to the three stalls and found each empty. And both times – two days in a row – I picked poorly and sat down to poop on a warm toilet seat.

There’s not much nastier than sitting on a public toilet seat warmed by someone you kinda know from work. Ugh. Usually I have a high tolerance for gross stuff, but this offends even me. And then once you sit down, putting your bare ass on the toilet seat, you can’t get up and move to another one. Again, ugh.

I’m just chalking this up to bad luck, but if it happens again tomorrow, we’re going to have some serious problems. I’ll follow the three strikes and you’re out rule and, um, I don’t know. I’ll probably just have to find another bathroom to poop in. This may sound inconsequential to you, but it is so agita-inducing to me that I’d rather not get into it now.

8) Listen to some more music.

Six Songs (with descriptions in twelve words or less)

"Sunshine" Josh Rouse
Wanna be your baby daddy.

"Every Time She Turns Around It’s Her Birthday" Manitoba
The worst song to wake up to, just for the intro.

"Brighter Than Sunshine" Aqualung
When high, it makes me sing.

"You Were Right" Badly Drawn Boy
Pimped before; the lines from 3:01 to 4:00 make me wanna cry/vomit.

"Heartbreaker" Rolling Stones
Best cock-rock opening ever.

"1000 Times" Tahiti 80
The single most homosexual-sounding song ever recorded. I love it.

9) Bemoan the sorry state of Philly sports. The Sixers season ended abysmally. The Flyers lost a heartbreaker on Saturday night in double OT to Buffalo, after Robert Esche made a whopping 55 saves. Last night, they got murdered 8-2 (!). The Phillies have won two in a row to raise their record to 8-10 (including a 4-8 record at home), but have a staff ERA of over 5. And for the first time since, well, last year, the Eagles might be the third best team in their division.

Fuck it all to hell. Feel it with me.

10) Send me good, funny karma. I want you to close your eyes right now and say the following (in your head):

"Dude, Jason, don’t fuck this up. You can do it. Sure, you haven’t been funny on here for about a year, but deep down, very deep down, you still got it. So stop checking MySpace, quit looking at fantasy sports, and stop trimming the chest hair. Sit down at the fucking computer and write. You don’t even have that much left to go, so stop being a pussy and just GET IT DONE. In a week, it’ll all be over and you can go back to being a complete fuck up. But pull it together for the next six days and take care of business."

And pray. Pray like a mother fucker. Or something.

(See you Monday)