fin
1 May 2006
Last night, at 2:57am, I finished writing the book. My book.
I hit CTRL+S, closed Word, and shut down my computer. Then I opened up a sweet $14 bottle of champagne, which I drank in a fantasy shower (a "fantasy shower" is a ritual whereby I sit naked in the shower with the showerhead shooting at my feet so that the rest of my body doesn’t get wet; it’s kinda like a weird steam shower/bath). Halfway through the fantasy shower, I masturbated.
I got out of the shower and heated up some pizza, drinking the last of the champagne to wash it down. I watched a little tv. Then I went to bed, just before 4am.
I woke up this morning and proofread the last bits on my subway ride and at work over my lunch break. After making a few small changes, most notably deciding to capitalize the word "Penis" every place it appears in the manuscript, I emailed it off to my editor.
Done. I am officially done. For now, at least.
Today, I am exhausted and a little hungover. But I will deal with it. I plan on going home after work and eating a giant meal. My original plan was to get a big ass mother fucking steak. However, this is not meant to be. I really don’t have anyone to go to eat a steak with. This is not a sob story, because I suppose I could bring a friend along, but I can’t really afford to drop $140 on dinner for two. I would have to do this too, since all of my friends are broke. I suppose I could go alone to eat, but something about having a "celebratory" steak by myself is just too much for me to handle, even though my ego is feeling pretty healthy now. And sadly, I don’t think nice steakhouses do take out. Which sucks. Because I would really love that.
Instead, I believe I will go straight from work to get take out from my favorite Mexican place, Festival Mexicano in the Lower East Side. Though it is some of the cheapest Mexican food around, I will spend $40 on nachos, quesadillas, and burritos.
I will take this food home and eat it very quickly. Then I will poop. Then I will take THREE Xanax and go to bed at 8pm. I will wake up tomorrow at 8am. It will be awesome.
In the bigger picture, now that the book is done, I look forward to getting back to being social. I really haven’t gone out that much over the past few weeks as I took care of this. And I haven’t been a very good friend, not returning emails or calls. When I have returned emails or phone calls, I have sounded like a total fucking diva, saying things like, "Don’t you understand that I’m trying to change literary history here!" and "Have you ever written a book? Do you know how hard it is?" and "What are you – a fucking immigrant? What part of ‘I can’t come to your shitty party because I’m more important than you’ do you not understand?"
I have a lot of other things that I can now look forward to, aside from going out more. I hope to do better and more writing on here. I have to finish planning a bachelor party. I’m going to redo my apartment once Brian moves out in two weeks. I have a fancy Hollywood party on the horizon. I am going to Jamaica for an all-inclusive wedding for a week at the end of May. In early June, I have my five year college reunion. Then it’s summer. Before you know it, the Drink Until You Shit Tour will be here (scheduled for July 8 - mark your calendars). Then it’s my birthday on July 17, the big 2-7. So good, fun things are coming up.
(And of course, this weekend I’m going to give myself alcohol poisoning, even though I may not leave my apartment.)
If I have it my way, I will not write about this book on here again. I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want you to hear about it until it comes out next year. So consider this post a swan song for my book writing complaints (at least until later this week).
But I wanted to let you all know that I am alive, I have made it, and it is done. It might even be pretty good, but that could be the stress, exhaustion, and psychosis talking.
But at any rate, whew. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to put my head on my desk for a few minutes. Please don’t call or otherwise disturb me. Thanks.
I hit CTRL+S, closed Word, and shut down my computer. Then I opened up a sweet $14 bottle of champagne, which I drank in a fantasy shower (a "fantasy shower" is a ritual whereby I sit naked in the shower with the showerhead shooting at my feet so that the rest of my body doesn’t get wet; it’s kinda like a weird steam shower/bath). Halfway through the fantasy shower, I masturbated.
I got out of the shower and heated up some pizza, drinking the last of the champagne to wash it down. I watched a little tv. Then I went to bed, just before 4am.
I woke up this morning and proofread the last bits on my subway ride and at work over my lunch break. After making a few small changes, most notably deciding to capitalize the word "Penis" every place it appears in the manuscript, I emailed it off to my editor.
Done. I am officially done. For now, at least.
Today, I am exhausted and a little hungover. But I will deal with it. I plan on going home after work and eating a giant meal. My original plan was to get a big ass mother fucking steak. However, this is not meant to be. I really don’t have anyone to go to eat a steak with. This is not a sob story, because I suppose I could bring a friend along, but I can’t really afford to drop $140 on dinner for two. I would have to do this too, since all of my friends are broke. I suppose I could go alone to eat, but something about having a "celebratory" steak by myself is just too much for me to handle, even though my ego is feeling pretty healthy now. And sadly, I don’t think nice steakhouses do take out. Which sucks. Because I would really love that.
Instead, I believe I will go straight from work to get take out from my favorite Mexican place, Festival Mexicano in the Lower East Side. Though it is some of the cheapest Mexican food around, I will spend $40 on nachos, quesadillas, and burritos.
I will take this food home and eat it very quickly. Then I will poop. Then I will take THREE Xanax and go to bed at 8pm. I will wake up tomorrow at 8am. It will be awesome.
In the bigger picture, now that the book is done, I look forward to getting back to being social. I really haven’t gone out that much over the past few weeks as I took care of this. And I haven’t been a very good friend, not returning emails or calls. When I have returned emails or phone calls, I have sounded like a total fucking diva, saying things like, "Don’t you understand that I’m trying to change literary history here!" and "Have you ever written a book? Do you know how hard it is?" and "What are you – a fucking immigrant? What part of ‘I can’t come to your shitty party because I’m more important than you’ do you not understand?"
I have a lot of other things that I can now look forward to, aside from going out more. I hope to do better and more writing on here. I have to finish planning a bachelor party. I’m going to redo my apartment once Brian moves out in two weeks. I have a fancy Hollywood party on the horizon. I am going to Jamaica for an all-inclusive wedding for a week at the end of May. In early June, I have my five year college reunion. Then it’s summer. Before you know it, the Drink Until You Shit Tour will be here (scheduled for July 8 - mark your calendars). Then it’s my birthday on July 17, the big 2-7. So good, fun things are coming up.
(And of course, this weekend I’m going to give myself alcohol poisoning, even though I may not leave my apartment.)
If I have it my way, I will not write about this book on here again. I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want you to hear about it until it comes out next year. So consider this post a swan song for my book writing complaints (at least until later this week).
But I wanted to let you all know that I am alive, I have made it, and it is done. It might even be pretty good, but that could be the stress, exhaustion, and psychosis talking.
But at any rate, whew. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to put my head on my desk for a few minutes. Please don’t call or otherwise disturb me. Thanks.
