[Since I've been MIA lately, you're getting an extra long Thursday post.  See?  I can be nice sometimes.]

I like boxers.  I do not wear tighty whities, because I dare not inflict that type of punishment on the world (though I have definitely rocked tighty whities in the past to surprise girlfriends, and by "surprise" I mean "make frigid").  I have two pairs of boxer briefs that I wear only on special occasions, like weddings.  I kinda like them, but fat men have no business in boxer briefs.

So I am a boxer man.  I buy all of my boxers at the Gap, for no other reason than it’s easy.  But recently, the Gap has changed the way they make their boxers.  Previously, I would fit snugly into a pair of XL boxers.  But it seems that they’re making the boxers bigger nowadays.  I recently bought a couple of XL boxers and they’re larger than some mesh shorts I have (although I do like my mesh shorts nice and tight). 

This morning I woke up late and had to get ready quickly.  After showing, I put on a pair of these extra big XL Gap boxers, my undershirt, work clothes, etc.  Just before leaving, I decided to quickly take a piss.  I unzipped and reached in to grab my bird.  I was having trouble.  This is nothing new, since sometimes finding my bird is like trying to find a pea in a salad.  But this was ridiculous; I kept pulling at the clothy boxers, looking for the pee-hole, when I realized something.  My boxers were on backwards.

I was too late for work to take off my shoes and pants and fix them, so I just pulled them down and peed.  I figured I would just switch them around at work.

But then I got to work and realized that I can’t do that.  I don’t want to be balls naked in a bathroom stall at work, standing there in my socks and nothing else, as I try to reverse my boxers.  That shit is nasty, and the last thing I need is for some co-worker to see/hear my changing in the stall, grunting and banging into the door and walls as I finagle my way out of my clothes.

So all day long I’ve been wearing my boxers backwards.  I have to admit, it’s not nearly as uncomfortable as I thought.  And it’s kept me on my toes (I guess it’s kinda like how you’re supposed to take one shoe off if you start feeling tired while driving).  I’m having a pretty good day at work today, so maybe I’ll keep rocking the backwards look.  Of course, my ass is no directly on my pants, so I’m going to have to get them dry cleaned.  But $4 is a small price to pay for a productive day.     

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If you have not already done so, please take a minute to vote for Brittany D’s essay.  All you need is an email address and it would significantly improve my neighborhood.

(If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read my post on the subject.)

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When presented with the question of whether you’d rather have short daily posts (five times a week) or long less frequent posts, by overwhelming majority you guys said that you’d rather have three long ones a week.  This surprised me, as I thought for sure that many of these posts are too long.  But the more I thought about it, I realized that the people complaining about the length of the posts are my friends and people I already know, so they’ve pretty much heard all the jokes in person anyway.  So I could see how long posts about stuff we talked about the night before might get tedious for them.

(And by "friends and people I already know" I mean "family members," since I’m down to about four friends and haven’t even spoken to them in weeks.)

The verdict…whatever.  I’m not really going to think about it and just post when I want.  Don’t expect too much of a change, which is good (or bad, I suppose). 

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Let’s talk for a minute about that elusive monthly email.  I will be brief about this.  The first monthly email has been written, but it will probably not go out until June.  Site Guy Brendan is currently on strike.  The management of JasonMulgrew.com, in cooperation with Larry Awesome Enterprises, is negotiating with Site Guy Brendan and all the brown people he has doing the coding for him.  Talks are proving difficult, because Brendan has been drunk for about two months now and I can’t understand a fucking word of what the brown people are saying.     

I will poke fun at this situation once we have made up, but I won’t write anything else about it right now.  You know, since Brendan has the keys to this site and with one click he can make the whole thing go away.

But needless to say, no, I haven’t sent it out yet; yes, it’s coming out soon; and yes, I’m sorry it’s taken so long.  In the future, I’m going to dedicate myself to making this a regular thing.  But like many things in life, the first one is the hardest.  Once we have the mailing list up and running, and now that I have more free time, I’ll be able to pump them out.

(And yes, you can use that paragraph against me when the second "monthly" email comes out in November.)

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This is how little I have going on in my life right now: I’m considering growing my hair out for the next seven months for my Halloween costume. 

My goal, still, is to get a girlfriend so that she and I can go out on Halloween as Roxette.  I still have hopes for this, as Halloween is a long time away.  But let’s be honest - it doesn’t look too good.  While I stared at a girl on the subway today without her looking away and starting to tremble, I think I’m still far away from "couple costume" territory.  I should probably first work on making out with someone who hasn’t thrown up that same night.

Regardless, I think I might grow the hair out.  After the wedding over Memorial Day weekend, I don’t have anything that I need to look good for.  And everyone at works thinks I’m weird anyway, so I don’t think they’ll mind.  The hair might give me a bit of an edge and would make the costume much more authentic (of course I won’t tell you about the costume).  I’ll have to think about this some other time when I’m not queasy from all the night sweats.  

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Two things I am calling for an immediate moratorium on: 

1) Using the word "lurve" in place of "love."

I have no special reason to call for the end of this, other than it looks tremendously stupid and is very annoying to read.  I tried to figure out where this came from, but had no luck.  If it has some cool significance (like "Lurve" is what it’s called when two black guys fuck each other in a truck), then I’m cool with it.  Otherwise, please stop.

2)  The hip/ironic obsession with David Hasselhoff.

Unlike lurve, this was actually funny at one point.  My buddy Pat used to send pictures of David Hasselhoff to us every Friday and I always got a kick out of it.  That was about a year ago.  Pat stopped doing this about seven months ago.  I’m not saying that he was a trailblazer, but maybe he realized that this had limited appeal (you know, like this blog). 

So yes, I get it, David Hasselhoff is funny.  It’s hilarious how he was in Night Rider and there are all these corny/sexy photos of him.  And yes, I know that he’s loved in Germany.  But people, enough.  PLEASE STOP THE OBSESSION WITH DAVID HASSELHOFF.  If I get one more forward talking about "The Hoff" or another person tries to put a pic of him on my MySpace comments, I am seriously going to flip the fuck out.  Wake up people.  Making fun of David Hasselhoff is no longer cool and hasn’t been for some time.  Go back to Chuck Norris, since that only has about two weeks left. 

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Speaking of balls (?), is there any substitute for a freshly Gold Bonded set of testes?  This time of year is always hard on my jennies, with the weather changing and all.  It’s not so much the outside conditions that bother them, but the fact that my office has trouble acclimating to temperature changes.  Spring in NYC is erratic.  One day it can be 80 and sunny, the next 55 and rainy.  My building heating/cooling system is always a day behind, resulting in an uncanny ability to match the outside conditions.  When it’s cold outside in spring, it’s cold inside my office.  When it’s hot outside in spring, it’s hot inside my office.

Again, not good for the jennies.  My balls basically stew for ten hours a day like two grapes in a hot bowl of oatmeal.  Gross.

So during this time of year, I slap a nice coating of Gold Bond on the ol’ bird and testes for relief.  And every spring when I do so I wonder why I don’t use this stuff year-round.  But there is one question I have: Have any ladies performed mouth-to-bird play on their man and tasted the Gold Bond?  Can we get a ruling on this?  I ask because once I was hooking up with a girl who somehow tricked me into saying that all vaginas have varying degrees of a smell (I don’t need to get into this here).  This made her self-conscious, and the next time we hooked up, she had douched and it tasted like tilapia sprinkled (heavily) with Gold Bond.  Have any ladies had similar experiences with the penis?   

(Hey, at least tilapia is the least fishy fish.  It would have been nastier if I said salmon or anchovie or trout.)

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Last night, I took the following of cocktail of pills between dinner and bedtime:

- Nexium, for the unbearable heartburn that came out of nowhere (7:30pm)
- Bayer, because the heartburn was so bad I thought I might have a heart attack (8pm)
- Stool Softener, since, as I mentioned recently, I have literally been shitting not poo but rather large slabs of stone (8:15pm)
- Claritin, to prevent any nighttime allergy attacks (9pm)
- Xanax, to help aid sleep and generally make the worries go away (10:30pm)

Heartburn medicine, aspirin, stool softener, allergy medicine, and anti-anxiety pills.  My name is Jason Mulgrew.  I am 26 years old.  And I am a physical and mental mess. 

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Six Songs (special Nine Songs edition)

"Sway"  The Rolling Stones
If you want to really appreciate the Rolling Stones, buy three albums - Black and Blue, Exile on Main Street, and Sticky Fingers.  Then listen to every song on these albums that you have not heard before.  Then send me an email thanking me for your world being rocked. 

Though the Rolling Stones are an embarrassment today, I can say with 95% certainly that they have created more good songs than other musical act in history – and you probably haven’t heard 80% of them.  If you wanted to, you could take one Stones album a month, listen to it constantly, and grow completely into it.  In the understatement of the century, a great fucking band. 

(I especially like when Mick screams "Hey!" three times in a row around the two minute mark in this song.  Just Mick being Mick, sounding like a lunatic.)

"I Wanna Destroy You"  The Circle Jerks
Because I just want to fucking destroy you.

"I’m Still Your Fag"  Broken Social Scene
I’m pissed because this was the working title of my book.

"Be Gentle With Me"  The Boy Least Likely To
GOOD LORD this song is catchy.  My roommate Brian downloaded it and said, "Yeah, I think I just downloaded your new favorite song."  While I’m not ready to make that claim myself (since "Sexy Sadie" has held that title since about 1995), it’s certainly my song of the moment.  Listen to it on my MySpace profile and see if it doesn’t get you moving.   

"Said Sadly"  Nina Gordon and James Iha
A sad little duet from the former lead singer of Veruca Salt and the Smashing Pumpkins guitarist-turned-hipster.  I like this song a lot, but one line almost ruins it for me.  "I’m so afraid that no one cares" sounds like something written by a depressed 14 year old nerd who just found out the girl he has a crush on is dating the captain of the football team (not, uh, that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything).  Maybe I’m being a little over analytical, but really, that is a weak line.  Ugh.   

"Never Going Back Again"  Fleetwood Mac
Every since I got my new expensive guitar two weeks ago, I’ve been looking for a kick-ass acoustic song to learn how to play.  One of the unspoken rules of guitar playing is that you have to be up the level or better than your guitar.  For example, there was nothing I hated more than those kids in high school whose daddies bought them $2,200 Les Pauls but couldn’t play the opening to "Plush."  Meanwhile, my guitar cost $99, came from K-Mart, and had an amplifier built into the guitar.  Fucking assholes.

So when I got my new gee-tar, I needed to find a song that would prove I was worthy of it.  Since this is no longer high school, the opening to "Over the Hills and Far Away" or "Blackbird" wouldn’t work, so I chose this song.  For the past week, I’ve been working on it probably two hours a day.

And it’s not going well.  I can play the main (high) notes, but I can’t play the root/bass notes (by the way, I have no idea if I’m using the correct terminology here; part of the reason why I suck is because my playing leveled off after one year because I’ve never had a guitar lesson).  And there is no way around this.  I’ve tried fingerpicking the song in various ways, but since I don’t really know how to finger pick, we’re stuck.  But hey, at least I’m trying.  And it’s a good song nonetheless.     

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World"  Israel Kamakawiwo’ole
I can, however, play this song on the ukulele.  A pretty little ditty but a six hundred pound Hawaiian, it’s now my go-to ukulele song. 

"What Katie Did"  The Libertines
There are a couple of different versions on this song that I’ve heard, but I most like the crappiest/demo-sounding one that has and acoustic guitar and is missing a verse.  Don’t you hate it when a band messes up a song by overproducing it?  Sometimes it’s best to keep it simple. 

"A Love Bizarre"  Sheila E. (with Prince)
When the played this at the UTA party on Sunday night, I swear to god I thought the place was going to crumble to the ground.  I hadn’t heard this song in about ten years and have listened to it about twenty-five times since Monday.  A MUST for any party mix. 

(And guys, if you can find a girl willing to grind with you to this song, marry her.  Trust me on this.)

(Although I will never forgive Sheila E. for making it impossible for me to download Cool C’s version of "The Glamorous Life" as opposed to her song by the same name.)

(Also, that link is awesome.)