Last night, I was planning on meeting an ex-girlfriend for a drink after work.  She’s engaged now, moving out the city, starting her grown-up life.  Meanwhile, I’ve been pissing in a cup and throwing it out our bathroom window because the toilet’s broken and spent most of the last week organizing and renaming the porn on my computer. 

(For example, "HOTT YOUNG TEEN GETS FUCKED AND CUM" was renamed "Jeans in the Shower", because the guy, T.T. Boy, wears jeans while having sex with a girl in the shower.  I also made it so that prominent starlets’ names appear first, for easy sorting.  For example, I have about seven Briana Banks clips on the computer, but instead of having names like "Evan Stone-Briana Banks fuck on bed" and "Hot Secretary Big Tits Briana Banks," they are now called "Briana Banks - Sexy Time on Bed with E. Stone" and "Briana Banks – A Celebration of Breasts."  This took all weekend.  And I’m totally ok with that.)    

(And it’s not really a cup, but rather a seldom-used piece of Tupperware.)

I was hungover all day, but as it got closer to 5:30pm, closing time, I started to turn a corner.  But before I left the office, I decided to take a poop.

I did my thing in my favorite bathroom.  I couldn’t find anything good to print out and read, so I just played Monopoly on my cell phone.  After my standard 15 minutes, I finished and went back to my office.

When I got back to my office, my message light was on.  We have a system in our system whereby another person in the office can leave you a message without leaving a voicemail.  When you see your light is on, you hit a button and it will show, "Jason Mulgrew — [my office extension] — [the time I called and left the message]."  I saw that my boss called and left this type of message for me at 5:36pm.  

My initial instinct, as it has been for many years, was to get the hell out of there as soon as possible.  I have succeeded so far in business by doing only the minimum required and it’s worked out for me for the past few years.

But as I was gathering my stuff to leave the office, I started feeling guilty.  To be honest, I like my job and the people I work with.  And I’m taking the next ten days off to go to Jamaica and Boston.  I didn’t want to leave them in the lurch over that time.  So I picked up the phone and called my boss back.

Big mistake.

HUGE mistake.

I can’t get into what I’m doing, but I’ll put it this way: A few weeks ago, it took me a week to work out nine of these things.  Last night after 5:30, I was given nine more to work out – in one day. 

Now, I admit that I’m hardly a model of professional efficiency. It would have probably taken a normal worker much less than a week to do what I did.  However, even the most efficient and bestest worker would have taken at least two days. 

So now I am slammed at work.  I canceled the drinks with the ex and worked until late.  Later than I ever have before.  I came in early this morning and am now scrambling to finish at a reasonable time so that I can get home and pack.  I can’t complain too much, since my hours are not usually bad and the work is actually pretty interesting.  But this experience has only confirmed what I’ve known for years:

1) Hard work is for losers and chumps.
2) Never do more than you are required to do.  If you do, you are a loser and chump. 

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  At 9:30am tomorrow, my flight leaves for Jamaica.  I will have so much Xanax running through my veins that I may need assistance at the airport.  I’m flying out of NYC, while the rest of the wedding party is flying out of Philly.  However, their flight gets in shortly before mine, so they’re going to wait for me so that we can all take the shuttle back to the resort together.  It is my goal to be wheeled out of the plane and tunnel, so that when I emerge I will appear not only crippled, but will also have some sunglasses on, as well as a straw hat, and be drooling on myself.  I can think of no better way to start the week.

This is no proper way to say goodbye for week, so I’ll post something tonight in between packing.  But I wanted to say something this afternoon.  I have been working hard and needed a break.  And now I need a milkshake.