Thank you for the emails and messages sending condolences.  They are much appreciated.  In order to turn the mood a little happier, I wrote a post yesterday talking about funerals, describing about how I want my funeral to be, even writing a eulogy for myself that could be given by any number of my friends ("It’s always especially sad when someone attractive dies.  Fortunately, we don’t have to worry about this in Jason’s case."). 

Then I read it over and saw that it was secretly the most morbid thing I’ve ever written and scrapped it.  So that sucked.  However, we now have a new addition for "Shit That Sucked the First Time Around and Still Sucks: The Lost Posts of Jason Mulgrew" (to be published posthumously, of course).

I think this means that I can’t really talk about death or any such serious things on here, so let’s just move on and try to never mention this again. 

But once again, thank you for the emails/messages.  You are all very nice.

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As I mentioned earlier this week, I’m on a diet.  I actually started it last week, but then it fell apart with my grandmother’s passing.  There was no way I could be in Philly, on drugs, drinking heavily, and mourning, and pass up food. 

(God I love creamed chipped beef so much.) 

The goal for the diet is to lose 20 pounds in two months.  I think this is attainable, but it will require some commitment. 

I’ve never seriously dieted.  Typically, when I say I’m on a diet, it means I’ll have a salad for lunch instead of a sandwich for two days, then when the weekend comes around I’ll eat a bag of Oreo’s at 4:30 in the morning.  I’m not a nutritionist, but I think this is why my past "diets" have failed.   

However, I think this time might be different.  It’s only been four days, but I’m feeling pretty committed.  And I know the reason this time around: immediate results.

A reason why I’ve never seriously dieted is that I have a very short attention span.  For example, in the past, I would get pissed off when I saw that I lost maybe one pound in three days.  So I’d go right back to a three-course lunch and the late-night Oreos.  And the creme pies.

(God I love creme pies so much.) 

This time around I took a different approach and have severely limited my caloric intake so as to produce immediate, and thus encouraging, results.  I’m eating between 800 and 900 calories a day.  To put that into perspective, a person is supposed to eat between 2000 and 2500 per day.  I am used to consuming 3500 per day (and on the weekends, it’s probably over 5000).  My meals per day have been: small bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats, Slim Fast shake (gay, I know, but pretty tasty), and a Lean Cuisine/Healthy Choice/Weight Watchers frozen dinner.  That, and all the water I want, but no sodas, juices, or anything like that.  If I get hungry, I can have a handful of peanuts during the day (only 50 calories and high in protein).  I’m also taking a shitload of vitamins to make sure my heart doesn’t stop from the sudden change in diet.        

In addition to the food limitations, I am back at the gym.  It was very hard to get back to the gym, but I owe my return solely to my taste in music.  My two previous gym mixes, "Hype" (for cardio work) and "Punch Your Goddamn Balls" (for weightlifting) had gone very, very stale.  This is not surprising, since I hadn’t been to the gym in like a year and a half.  In a flash of inspiration, I sat down at my computer and quickly created two new gyms mixes with fresh songs: "Balls Out Workout" (weightlifting) and "Balls Out Workout (But a Little Less So)" (cardio).  I’m now at the gym just under an hour a day, burning between 500 and 600 calories, thanks to the Balls Out Workout mixes.

Since I started the diet last Monday, I’ve lost 9 pounds, including 6.5 in the last three days.

(Is this worse than saying I’m engaged?  Are you handling this ok?  First, I poison your mind with the fact that – gasp! – I might actually be having sex on a regular basis, and now it sounds as though I’m turning this into a diet blog.  If you’re still reading, I ask you to hold on for a little longer.  Please.  You owe me that much.)

BUT…there is one problem with my diet plan: I like to drink.  Lots.

I’ve been sober this week, which has not been too hard, but there is no way that I can stay sober through this weekend or any weekend.  This is non-negotiable.  This weekend on the Drink Until You Shit tour, I’m going to have probably at least 15 Bud Lights.  That’s 1500 calories right there.  

So thus begins my adventure on a see-saw diet.  900 calories a day Sunday to Thursday, 4000 a day on Friday and Saturday.  But hey, that’s better than 4000 a day every day, right?  Right?

(What’s the over/under on when I quit this?  I think Wednesday, July 12 sounds about right.)   

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Reason Number Six (of Six) Why I Miss Living with My Old Roommate Brian:

In the early afternoon hours of July 4th, Brian sent me this text message out of nowhere:

"Is there anything I can do or something I can take to stop me from masturbating?  This is ridiculous."

I’m sorry friend, but there’s nothing.  Just let it wash over you and enjoy it. 

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Horrible news for me: Italy is good at soccer.  I guess they won a big game recently (I don’t watch soccer because it’s for gays and rich kids who grew up with such luxuries as "fields" and "two parents"), but judging from the noise, Italian flags, and unprecedented level of Eyetal-ness in my Little Italy neighborhood, something’s a-brewin’. 

As I walked through the streets, I saw all the people screaming "Italia! Italia!", their faces painted, wearing Italian flags, and I thought, "Great, this is just what this neighborhood needs - more people and more fucking noise."  The only people who weren’t riled up by Italy’s (apparently good) performance in the World Cup were the waiters at the Italian restaurants, since they’re not really Italian but instead Albanian and pissed off that their home country can’t even field a team (but still happy to be living in a country that has pasteurized milk and a scarcity of smallpox and polio). 

I’ll keep you up to date on this, but I can tell you this much: it’s going to get worse before it gets better.  No doubt about that.  But if there is a God, Italy will lose soon.  I can’t bear the thought of all those Italians celebrating.  Seeing them happy is like poison to me, pure poison. 

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If you did not get the monthly email, you should check your spam filters and add any correspondence from jasonmulgrew.com to your safe list.  I have no idea what any of this means and I’m not even sure I said it right, but Site Guy Brendan told me to say this (or something like it).

Speaking of, for the one millionth time, any technical issues should be directed to Brendan at brendan@jasonmulgrew.com.  When you complain that you didn’t get the email even though you signed up, I have no idea how to fix that.  So please email him with any technical issues. 

(And yes, I know on the sidebar on the right it says "One of People’s Hottest Bachelor’s for 2005" when it should say "One of People’s Hottest Bachelors for 2005."  Brendan is a computer guy and not a grammarian and has trouble with possessives vs. plurals.  I sent him an email, cutely titled "Apostrophe Catastrophe," but he neither got back to me nor made the change.  So just deal with it for now.)

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Six Songs

(Special Ten Songs edition, since I haven’t done this in a while)

"Here I Am (Come and Take Me)"  Al Green
Smooth.  That’s all you need to know.  I’ve said this before, but I can’t understand how anyone with full capacity of their hearing could not like Al Green.  His music is incredible.  And this is my favorite song of his.  When the horns break over the chorus as he sings, "Here I am, baby/Come and take me," it makes me dance more than a little.  I kinda want to wear a zoot suit (with a hat) and dance with a girl in a dress to this song.  Does that make me weird?  Don’t answer that.   

"Come and Get Your Love"  Leon Redbone
In keeping with the soul music that involves coming and loving and makes me want to dance, listen to this lil’ number.  I don’t know…maybe it’s because I’m perennially chasing women that there’s something appealing about a woman coming to me.  You know, for my love.  And etc.   

While we’re dancing, one more:

"Can’t Fight the Moonlight"  LeAnn Rimes
I’m sorry, but I really like this song.  I think it’s sexy, catchy, and makes me a little randy. 

(Do you know that I just googled "leanne rimes" to learn how to properly spell/case her name?  That, my friends, is commitment.)

"Do You Know What I Mean"  Lee Michaels
This song recently came up the shuffle on my iPod and it confirmed something I have suspected for a long time: I am capable of homicide.

It’s a silly song about a guy who breaks up with his girlfriend and she starts dating his best friend.

Well.

There are only a few real, justifiable reasons for murder.  For example, if someone r’s a loved one, you can totally murder that person (I use "r" because I’m not comfortable with the word "r@pe" ).  If someone kills someone close to you, depending upon the circumstance, you might be able to murder that person, too. 

But one thing that is certain: if your best friend starts dating and f’ing your ex, you can murder the best friend.  I will pretty much betray my friends at every opportunity, but I don’t go after ex’s.  I admit, I’m a little sensitive here – a buddy of mine hung out with one of my ex’s a few weekends ago in a completely non-sexual situation and when he told me about it I threw a stapler at him – but I don’t think I’m unreasonable.

There are crimes of passion, there is revenge, there is retribution – but some shit just needs to be taken care of, you know what I mean?  And I believe this is what Lee is asking us.  Yes, Lee, we know what you mean.  And God bless you, you magnificent son of a bitch. 

"I Just Want to See His Face"  Rolling Stones
This songs holds two distinctions.  First, it’s probably my favorite title of all-time, reeking of sadness, desperation, and pity (you know, kinda like me).  Second, it doesn’t really have any lyrics and it’s sort of a loose jam session, so it’s my favorite song that doesn’t actually say anything intelligible (aside from the title and some other words here and there).  It sounds like it was recorded at about 5am in a dark, smoke-filled studio while everyone had more drugs and/or alcohol in their bodies than blood. 

If I write a movie, I’m getting this song in there somewhere.  Supremely cool.

"New Amsterdam"  Elvis Costello
Elvis Costello is hands-down (HD) by far my favorite artist, yet I hardly pimp his music on here.  I suspect this is because I’m an EC snob; my first reaction would be to recommend something like a bonus track of the Rhino re-release of "Punch the Clock" ("Town Where Time Stood Still" – great song).  But instead, let’s keep the training wheels on and start with this one.  Quick story that may finally end all speculation about my sexuality: in college, I’d put this song on, turn the volume all the way up, run into our common room and start spinning around with my arms spread out, screaming "This is what love feels like!  This is what love feels like!" 

I really wish I were kidding. 

"Echo Park"  Joseph Arthur
Previously, I had resisted all attempts at Joseph Arthur.  My buddy Jeremy is a big fan and has been for some time, but when other people rave about how great something is, it turns me off.  Seeing as I’m a dick, my logic is, "Well, if it’s so great, I’d probably already know about, dick."

But like the Lee Michaels song, this song popped up on my iPod shuffle about two weeks ago when I was cleaning and I had to stop cleaning and sit down.  The song is so wrenching, so sad, and so beautiful, that I immediately wept upon hearing it (as though it was written in D minor).  I don’t want to say much more, because it’s truly a beautiful song, and anything I write will only, by association, make it uglier.  So I’ll stop now. 

"Look What Love Has Done"  Chris Whitley
You probably haven’t heard of Chris Whitley and that’s a shame, since he’s responsible for some of the coolest music of the past few years.  I don’t mean "cool" as is "awesome" or "great", but in the truest sense of the word cool: a little mysterious, a little indifferent, deep, exclusive, empowering.

(Well, I guess the truest sense of the word cool is "slightly warmer than cold," but you get it).

I’m not going to try to describe his sound, so just download the song and figure it out for yourself.  Also, he’s dead now, so that makes it even more profound.   

"You or Your Memory"  The Mountain Goats
Geez, this song sounds eerily familiar; whenever I go to LA, I stay just off La Cienga, I also drink, and I also get sad.  Only instead of "St. Joseph’s baby aspirin/Bartles & James/And you/Or your memory," my version would say, "$13 vodka/A bag of Doritos/And you/Or the cell phone pictures I took of you naked."  So, so familiar. 

"Tell Me Baby"  Red Hot Chili Peppers
The new Chili Pepper’s album is a double disc and it’s taking me forever to get through it, but I noticed this song right off the bat.  Sick bassline here, which I am making my mission to learn how to play.  Unlike my previous mission, learning how to play Fleetwood Mac’s "Never Going Back Again," I will not fail with this one.  The only problem is that I don’t know how to properly slap-and-pop while playing bass; instead of getting my fingers under the strings to pop, I use my knuckles to approximate the popping sound.  So this might be a little difficult.  But I’ll figure it out.  Or probably not. 

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The Drink Until You Shit Tour is going down this Saturday night in North Wildwood, NJ.  If you are in the area and interested in attending, we are meeting at Casey’s on 3rd & New York around 7pm.  We’ll be there about an hour or so and then carry on to the other North Wildwood bars.   

I don’t expect many people to show up (meaning, many people to show up from this site that I don’t know), since North Wildwood is not exactly a bustling metropolis.  But if I don’t know you personally and you plan on coming on DUYS, just a few pointers:

- Please don’t be weird or freak me out.  I am painfully shy in person.
- If you want to start a debate about Philly sports, be prepared to be beaten.
- You don’t need anything and there are no drink specials.  You only need to buy a t-shirt, which will not cost more than $20. 
- You can not stay at my place.
- I am not getting in a fight for you.
- Again, don’t be weird.  Please.  

If you are coming or thinking of coming, please email me, as we’re trying to get a head count.  And if you get there and feel weird, you don’t have to talk to me or any of my friends; you can just follow us around and watch me fail.  

For the rest of you, many of you expressed interest in buying an official "Drink Until You Shit" t-shirts.  We will put up any remaining t-shirts we have on sale here on the web, but I don’t think we’ll have any left (although the t-shirts are not my department; I just bring the star power).

Wish me luck.  I hope it’s fun, since I’ve been looking forward to it for some time.  Also, since I’m not really eating, I should get really drunk really quickly, so that will be nice.

[Have a good weekend.]