iggles prayer
Jason posted on July 25th, 2006
I’ve spent the afternoon looking at these clips over and over again. Today is the first day of full-pads practice. Soon the bargaining with God will begin. Like, for example, now:God,
You know the drill by now, since we do this every July. While this past year, my 26th, was mostly kind to me, I still have not tasted the sweet sweetness of a championship in my city. To add insult to injury, you even caused the referees to botch the last Super Bowl after I flew 2400 miles to be in Seattle, hoping I’d experience my first conscious championship (the Sixers won when I was 4). Just like how when I moved to NYC the Yankees were a dynasty and they haven’t won since. Also like when I left Boston, the Sox and Pats sucked; after me, the Sox won their first championship in 86 years and the Pats won three of four Super Bowls.
(Not that I was a bandwagon fan for these teams - it’d just to be nice to be in a city that wins a championship.)
Though history has not been kind to me, I remain optimistic. I know that I will experience a championship, a championship by one of my hometown Philadelphia teams. I ask You now, as a supplicant for Your mercy, to allow the Eagles to win the Super Bowl this year. For this, I will give you anything. You can insert a proclivity to mental retardation in my genes, make me bald(er), cause me to loss a substantial portion of my monies in a succession of bad investments, take 30 years off my life - whatever pleases You. I say without an ounce of exaggeration that nothing - nothing on earth - would give me more happiness than a Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory.
(Seriously.)
Please think of me, God. I know that there are others more needy than I, but few people who deserve this more than myself and my fellow long-suffering Philly fans. Plus, I did many good deeds this year. For example, I wore a condom with over 40% of the women I slept with. Also, I cleaned my office. Lastly, I considered giving the money I received from readers on my birthday to some charity or some shit. But You and I both know that I’m really hard up for cash at the moment and that’s not possible. Still, I considered it, which, I think, really says something about my character.
I know that we’re a longshot, that the division is much tougher, that few of the team’s needs were addressed in the off-season. But maybe, just maybe, this is the year. Maybe the "underdog" role will suit the team just as it does the city. Maybe with the fucking asshole bitch diva Terrell Owens gone (good luck again, Cowboys fans), the team will come together. Maybe health will be on our side, allowing our key players to play the full season. Maybe, just maybe.
You don’t have to answer now, God - just consider it. There’s plenty of time until the season starts, and even after that, I won’t need an answer until, say, Week 7. That usually when I start to lose my shit entirely.
In the meantime, please give me the strength to be patient, to read each story from mini-camp calmly without hurting myself or my loved ones, to be sane for as long as I can be, to ignore the deluge of "the Eagles fucking stink" emails that this post will invite. In return, I promise to do something nice today. Or tomorrow. Because it’s already pretty late in the day.
Yours,
In wind, fire, water, earth,
My love feeds on your love, beloved,
And as long as you live it will be in your arms,
Without leaving mine,
I am,
Jason MJPAE Mulgrew
PS - Please stop all the Mideast stuff. If you can. Thanks.