a heartfelt letter introducing the new jasonmulgrew.com policy on naked pictures
10 August 2006
To the wonderful women who read this website that are not related to me and do not work with me,
Last Friday, I wrote this about my diet:
But there is one thing I have not yet received: compliments or recognition. It’s not that I’m seeking them out and I’m not fishing for them here (from friends who read the site), but I’m being honest when I say that I really can’t tell too much of difference when I look at myself. I’m still fat and hairy. My clothes are a little looser, but I’m still a monstrosity when I’m naked. I feel better and have more energy, but I still can’t masturbate completely nude, as my body turns me off. So while numerically I’m making progress, it hasn’t made an effect on my appearance. No one has ever said, "Dude, you look different." It’s been more like me saying, "Dude, I’ve lost 16 pounds" and a friend saying, "Yeah, well, you’re still fat." And they’re right.
Apparently, several members of you read this:
I’m really depressed that no one is giving me credit for my weight loss. So why don’t you have a few glasses of wine tonight, take off all or part of your clothes, and a take a couple of pictures to send me? They can be tasteful, playful and not trashy OR they can be so trashy that they make me blush (some so, so trashy that they need to be immediately deleted). Whatever works for you. Just send me some nudie pictures. Please. As soon as possible. Like, do it now.
The point: lots of naked pictures sent to me by y’all this weekend (I’m not sure if this is entirely appropriate to talk about, but hang on). It’s weird – sometimes I won’t get any for two months and then whammo! Smiling, happy boobies waiting for me. There was even one pic of one of you this weekend that was so awesome that I actually said "Wow" out loud and offered air- and cabfare to the girl who sent it, provided she could make it to NYC in under four hours (as after that time I would have masturbated myself to death). Sadly, she didn’t respond. I’m guessing because she was drunk when she sent the pic and sober when she got my email. The circle of life is a thing of beauty, isn’t it?
But since we’re talking openly about naked pictures, I’d like to institute a New Naked Pictures Policy here at jasonmulgrew.com. I realize that this may prevent me from getting as many naked pics of you in the future, but I feel that it must be adhered to.
From this point forward, when you send me a naked picture of yourself, could you not black out or otherwise hide your face? To a lesser extent, if you’re sending a picture of just your boobies, it’d be nice to see a face as well, as headless boobies can only be so appealing.
The problem is, ladies, that you’re making me look like a goddamn serial killer. If someone were to stumble upon my "Naked Pictures of Fans" folder on my computer – even though it is very hidden – I would immediately be reported to the authorities. I can’t say with 100% certainty, but I’m pretty sure that I have the world’s largest collection of amateur boobies-without-faces pictures. Just two boobs. No face. Maybe some chin and a little bit of belly, but mostly just boobies.
And there’s nothing wrong with this – too much. I understand your need to protect your anonymity and respect that. And hell, we all know it’s the boobies I’m after, so I appreciate you getting right to the point. But now, after years of being totally fucking dominant on the internet, I’m developing quite a collection and it’s weirding me out a little bit.
[Hold on, what's weirder: that I have received too many pictures of boobies without heads or that I'm collecting these pictures? I think we should retitle this post "why no one will ever marry me." Wow.]
[And yes, I sound like an asshole. But really, when don't I? If I can talk about jerking off in a Pepsi can or eating pizza in the tub, I don't think this subject is beyond the pale.]
But the faceless boobie shots, I really don’t mind as much (what’s weirder are the faceless cleavage shots – when one of you sends me a picture of yourself clothed but in something low-cut and/or pushing her boobies together – because then it looks like I’ve been hanging out in malls or dorms taking those pictures myself of unsuspecting busty females).
It’s the modified face pictures that really make me look like a serial killer. For example: you send me a picture of yourself in the shower that your boyfriend took (she’s a keeper, boyfriend). Then after taking the picture, the two of you decide to photoshop it so that your face is either a) completely blacked out; b) scribbled over; or c) fuzzed by some sort of translucent circle. Then it’s sent to me.
Pictures like these make me feel both happy and icky. Sure, it’s totally sweet that I’m able to see a naked or half-naked girl. That rules and will always rule. But something about the blocked out face…well, makes me feel kinda like a pervert, when in reality I just like naked women.
(A lot. A whole lot.)
So it’d be nice if I could see a face. I don’t mean to be creepy by asking you to not block out your face. It’s not like I’m going to use the IP address from your email address to find out where you live, then maybe take a week off from work to hang out in your town in the hope of finding you (though that could be easy – after all, Mission, British Columbia is not a large town), then when I find you I’ll watch you for a few days – maybe from a tree on your street or from my rental car, slowly building up the confidence to approach you, finally doing so in the supermarket, at which point I’ll ask if you if you’d like to have a drink at a local bar near the Red Roof Inn where I’m staying, and you’ll be so surprised to see me you won’t be able to say anything but yes, then we’ll head to that bar, have some gin-based drinks, and wind up doing it in my rental car (as the Red Roof Inn will have burned down while we were at the bar).
It’s just that I’ve watched enough Law & Order: SVU to know that it’s not psychologically healthy to block out or scribble over anyone’s face in a picture. Of course, I realize that I’m not the one doing it – you’re doing it to a picture of yourself, for a very different reason than a desire to inflict harm. But by possessing these pictures with blocked out faces (possession is nine-tenths the law, right?), I cross the line over to completely deranged serial murdered when I’m really just a fan of amateur porn and a man enjoying the fruits of what little power he has.
So please, include a face or don’t send a picture. Or maybe find some other way to conceal your identity without making me feel so creepy. For example, maybe you can send me a fully nude picture of yourself but instead of your face, use Santa’s face? I mean, who doesn’t get happy when they see Santa? Just a suggestion.
At any rate, a heartfelt thank you for these pictures. Just when I’m feeling down about having to come up with something to make y’all laugh, I get a nice pair of boobies and I’m reminded of why I started doing this in the first place: breasts. God bless ‘em. And god bless you.
Looking forward to your naked Santa pics,
Yours eternally, meaning now, then, and forever,
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way,
- Jason ("Tu Chuleta")
Last Friday, I wrote this about my diet:
But there is one thing I have not yet received: compliments or recognition. It’s not that I’m seeking them out and I’m not fishing for them here (from friends who read the site), but I’m being honest when I say that I really can’t tell too much of difference when I look at myself. I’m still fat and hairy. My clothes are a little looser, but I’m still a monstrosity when I’m naked. I feel better and have more energy, but I still can’t masturbate completely nude, as my body turns me off. So while numerically I’m making progress, it hasn’t made an effect on my appearance. No one has ever said, "Dude, you look different." It’s been more like me saying, "Dude, I’ve lost 16 pounds" and a friend saying, "Yeah, well, you’re still fat." And they’re right.
Apparently, several members of you read this:
I’m really depressed that no one is giving me credit for my weight loss. So why don’t you have a few glasses of wine tonight, take off all or part of your clothes, and a take a couple of pictures to send me? They can be tasteful, playful and not trashy OR they can be so trashy that they make me blush (some so, so trashy that they need to be immediately deleted). Whatever works for you. Just send me some nudie pictures. Please. As soon as possible. Like, do it now.
The point: lots of naked pictures sent to me by y’all this weekend (I’m not sure if this is entirely appropriate to talk about, but hang on). It’s weird – sometimes I won’t get any for two months and then whammo! Smiling, happy boobies waiting for me. There was even one pic of one of you this weekend that was so awesome that I actually said "Wow" out loud and offered air- and cabfare to the girl who sent it, provided she could make it to NYC in under four hours (as after that time I would have masturbated myself to death). Sadly, she didn’t respond. I’m guessing because she was drunk when she sent the pic and sober when she got my email. The circle of life is a thing of beauty, isn’t it?
But since we’re talking openly about naked pictures, I’d like to institute a New Naked Pictures Policy here at jasonmulgrew.com. I realize that this may prevent me from getting as many naked pics of you in the future, but I feel that it must be adhered to.
From this point forward, when you send me a naked picture of yourself, could you not black out or otherwise hide your face? To a lesser extent, if you’re sending a picture of just your boobies, it’d be nice to see a face as well, as headless boobies can only be so appealing.
The problem is, ladies, that you’re making me look like a goddamn serial killer. If someone were to stumble upon my "Naked Pictures of Fans" folder on my computer – even though it is very hidden – I would immediately be reported to the authorities. I can’t say with 100% certainty, but I’m pretty sure that I have the world’s largest collection of amateur boobies-without-faces pictures. Just two boobs. No face. Maybe some chin and a little bit of belly, but mostly just boobies.
And there’s nothing wrong with this – too much. I understand your need to protect your anonymity and respect that. And hell, we all know it’s the boobies I’m after, so I appreciate you getting right to the point. But now, after years of being totally fucking dominant on the internet, I’m developing quite a collection and it’s weirding me out a little bit.
[Hold on, what's weirder: that I have received too many pictures of boobies without heads or that I'm collecting these pictures? I think we should retitle this post "why no one will ever marry me." Wow.]
[And yes, I sound like an asshole. But really, when don't I? If I can talk about jerking off in a Pepsi can or eating pizza in the tub, I don't think this subject is beyond the pale.]
But the faceless boobie shots, I really don’t mind as much (what’s weirder are the faceless cleavage shots – when one of you sends me a picture of yourself clothed but in something low-cut and/or pushing her boobies together – because then it looks like I’ve been hanging out in malls or dorms taking those pictures myself of unsuspecting busty females).
It’s the modified face pictures that really make me look like a serial killer. For example: you send me a picture of yourself in the shower that your boyfriend took (she’s a keeper, boyfriend). Then after taking the picture, the two of you decide to photoshop it so that your face is either a) completely blacked out; b) scribbled over; or c) fuzzed by some sort of translucent circle. Then it’s sent to me.
Pictures like these make me feel both happy and icky. Sure, it’s totally sweet that I’m able to see a naked or half-naked girl. That rules and will always rule. But something about the blocked out face…well, makes me feel kinda like a pervert, when in reality I just like naked women.
(A lot. A whole lot.)
So it’d be nice if I could see a face. I don’t mean to be creepy by asking you to not block out your face. It’s not like I’m going to use the IP address from your email address to find out where you live, then maybe take a week off from work to hang out in your town in the hope of finding you (though that could be easy – after all, Mission, British Columbia is not a large town), then when I find you I’ll watch you for a few days – maybe from a tree on your street or from my rental car, slowly building up the confidence to approach you, finally doing so in the supermarket, at which point I’ll ask if you if you’d like to have a drink at a local bar near the Red Roof Inn where I’m staying, and you’ll be so surprised to see me you won’t be able to say anything but yes, then we’ll head to that bar, have some gin-based drinks, and wind up doing it in my rental car (as the Red Roof Inn will have burned down while we were at the bar).
It’s just that I’ve watched enough Law & Order: SVU to know that it’s not psychologically healthy to block out or scribble over anyone’s face in a picture. Of course, I realize that I’m not the one doing it – you’re doing it to a picture of yourself, for a very different reason than a desire to inflict harm. But by possessing these pictures with blocked out faces (possession is nine-tenths the law, right?), I cross the line over to completely deranged serial murdered when I’m really just a fan of amateur porn and a man enjoying the fruits of what little power he has.
So please, include a face or don’t send a picture. Or maybe find some other way to conceal your identity without making me feel so creepy. For example, maybe you can send me a fully nude picture of yourself but instead of your face, use Santa’s face? I mean, who doesn’t get happy when they see Santa? Just a suggestion.
At any rate, a heartfelt thank you for these pictures. Just when I’m feeling down about having to come up with something to make y’all laugh, I get a nice pair of boobies and I’m reminded of why I started doing this in the first place: breasts. God bless ‘em. And god bless you.
Looking forward to your naked Santa pics,
Yours eternally, meaning now, then, and forever,
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way,
- Jason ("Tu Chuleta")
