2006 nfl preview
23 August 2006
My god I love the fall.
I know, I know – it’s not fall yet, but it’s coming. The oppressive heat and nasty smells of the summer will soon be gone, leaving behind cool nighttime breezes, sleeping with the windows open, finally having an excuse to cover up any exposed parts of my body, and of course, football.
I love football. I love both the game itself and the experience; there is nothing like waking up at noon on Sunday with a hangover, kicking whatever random girl you’re with out of your bed, ordering a pizza and 50 wings, and spending the next ten hours watching football. A better way to spend a day, I can think of none.
What follows is my 2006 NFL preview. Many of you know that my favorite team is my hometown Philadelphia Eagles, who had a bad season last year. However, what’s past is past and we must look forward to the future. And now let’s never talk about the 2005 Eagles again. Thank you for your support.
[Note about the preview that I give every year: I have neither the time nor the mathematical prowess to count every team's projected record to make sure the league's cumulative record is even at .500. So just give me a break on that, ok?]
NFC EAST
New York Giants 10-6
Philadelphia Eagles 9-7
Washington Redskins 8-8
Dallas Cowboys 7-9
Why do I have to start with this division, which, I believe, is the best in football (not that I’m biased or anything)? I think the Giants are the best in the division but are a bit over-hyped (I don’t think this is the year Eli makes "the leap" and yes, I realize how many Giants fans are going to email me after his first 4 TD game). I like the Eagles, I truly do. I think they could even make a potential run at the playoffs if only because they solved a major dilemma from last year: the shitty d-line. When you blitz, if your front four can’t get pressure, the whole thing is fucked. This is what happened last year (oh yeah, and some injuries and something with one of their receivers). They are now DEEP at d-line but I have no idea who’s playing outside linebacker and I will never feel happy with Westbrook as a feature back and let’s not get started on the receivers and those last few games in this year’s schedule . So I’ll put them at 9-7. Washington seems mediocre and much depends on how tender Portis’ shoulder is. And finally…Dallas. Though I put a futures bet on them to win the Super Bowl, it already seems like it’ll be tough: weak O-line, Romo breathing down Bledsoe’s neck, and, oh yeah, T.O. I think it’s only about three games before Parcells and T.O. are fighting. Three weeks tops.
NFC NORTH
Detroit Lions 10-6
Chicago Bears 10-6
Minnesota Vikings 7-9
Green Bay Packers 4-12
I’m a big believer in Mike Martz’s system (please, at least try to conceal your laughter). I know it’s a little crazy, but I think Detroit has a lot of weapons. Maybe they turn it around this year. The debate now in Chicago is Grossman or Greise and my suggestion is: who gives a shit? Let’s get Cedric Benson 400 carries and ride that defense out. The Vikings, well, I don’t think they’ll be any boat cruises, but Brad Johnson just lost his #1 WR to a DWI and Chestor Taylor as your main guy? Much has been said of Favre’s comment that this is the most talented team he’s played with…let’s just make sure we all start our fantasy defenses when he’s playing.
NFC SOUTH
Carolina Panthers 11-5
New Orleans Saints 9-7
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 8-8
Atlanta Falcons 5-11
Carolina is freak nasty as long as nothing major happens to Steve Smith; by Week Six it should be obvious that they have the division wrapped up. I think New Orleans will surprise many people this year and yes, Reggie Bush will be starting by midseason at the latest. Tampa could make some noise but I just can’t bring myself to believe in them with Chris Simms at the helm. I can not say this enough, even though I’ve been saying it for years: Michael Vick will never be truly successful as an NFL quarterback. Yes, he scrambles, but so did Randall Cunningham. Both guys are the same: all tools, no brains. And no, I’m not being racist, even though Steve Young, a nice white boy, scrambled and was successful.
NFC WEST
Seattle 12-4
Arizona 10-6
St. Louis 6-10
San Francisco 3-13
If Seattle doesn’t win this division, someone needs to be fired. Arizona, with Matt Leinart at the helm, will make the playoffs (even though the o-line is highly suspect). And really, what can anyone say about St. Louis and San Fran other than, "Eh?"
************************
AFC EAST
New England Patriots 10-6
Miami Dolphins 10-6
Buffalo Bills 6-10
NY Jets 4-12
Though they win the division, this is the first year that the New England dynasty takes a serious hit. I see a couple of failures where failures previously did not arise. Just an instinct. Everyone is all over Miami. I like Saban and his system, I like Ronnie Brown. Daunte Culpepper, after what he did to my fantasy team last year, will never be the beneficiary of my love or trust. Also, their uniforms are still teal and orange. Buffalo, sadly, will remained mired in its horrid post-90′s quagmire and it’s going to be a looooooonnnnnggggg year for Gang Green. Ouch, baby.
AFC NORTH
Cincinnati Bengals 11-5
Pittsburgh Steelers 9-7
Cleveland Browns 8-8
Baltimore Ravens 5-11
Yeah, I know the Bengals love getting arrested and I know that Carson is still tentative about his knee, but I think he’s going to be nasty this year. They have a stud QB, a very good RB, a great WR, a solid defense, and a very good coach. You know how one Super Bowl team misses the playoffs the next year? Say hello to Pittsburgh. I’m not feeling you, Ben. Sorry. Cleveland is my version of New Orleans…I still don’t know who Charlie Frye is and I’m listed as their second-string center and Kellen Winslow is just such a fucking cocksucker, but I really think I’d like the city of Cleveland, so let’s let them at least be .500. And Baltimore…this is Brian Billick’s last year there. Mark it down.
AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis Colts 12-4
Tennessee Titans 9-7
Jacksonville Jaguars 8-8
Houston Texans 5-11
No surprise: the Colts win a lot of games. I think the Titans make a little noise and sneak into the playoffs – remember, Vince Young is NOT Michael Vick (Vick never passed for 3000+ yards in a college season; Vick never passed for over 2000). Jacksonville doesn’t continue on the momentum of their 12-4 season last year and Houston fucking stinks (I understand that they needed help on their d-line more than in the backfield, but really?).
AFC WEST
Denver Broncos 11-5
San Diego Chargers 8-8
Kansas City Chiefs 8-8
Oakland Raiders 6-10
Denver has another solid, spectacular season (no, Jay Cutler will not start). San Diego falters but Rivers shows flashes of brilliance. KC under Herm is inconsistent, winning or losing by a lot, giving gamblers fits. Oakland – do you really think Aaron Fucking Brooks is the answer? Man, I feel bad for you.
[Notice though, that even if I seem to have taken some risks (i.e. Detroit, Arizona, Miami, etc), they're really not that risky at all since they're the "hot" NFL picks. But I'm a wuss. I applaud any man who can pick the Titans to win the AFC South or the Rams to win the NFC. 'Cause I ain't doing it.]
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PLAYOFFS
NFC
1) Seattle Seahawks
2) Carolina Panthers
3) Detroit Lions
4) NY Giants
5) Arizona
6) Chicago
Wild Card
#3 Detroit over #6 Chicago
#5 Arizona over #4 New York
Inspired by their first playoffs games, um, almost ever, Detroit and ‘Zona overtake the Bears and G-Men with their gumption. John Kitna turns in a Christ-like performance as the Lions win 10-0 while Leinart proves he’s much better-looking and better-playing than Eli on this day: Cards 24, Giants 16.
Divisional
#1 Seattle over #5 Arizona
#2 Carolina over #3 Detroit
Though they had a nice run and made for a heart-warming story, both Arizona and Detroit are crushed by the two teams that have been the cream of the crop in the NFC all season long. Both teams cover the spreads: I buy a boat.
Conference
#2 Carolina over #1 Seattle
Carolina continues its nasty season and dispatches Seattle at home - without even shoddy officiating.
AFC
1) Indianapolis Colts
2) Denver Broncos
3) Cincinnati Bengals
4) New England Patriots
5) Miami Dolphins
6) Tennessee Titans
Wild Card
#6 Tennessee over #3 Cincinnati
#5 Miami over #4 New England
6’6" 320 pounds Albert Haynesworth falls on Carson "Pretty Boy" Palmer’s knee: Titans 23, Cincy 17. Miami shuts up 60,000 Massholes by stunning the Pats at home (told you it was the beginning of the end for New England).
Divisional
#1 Indy over #6 Tennessee
#5 Miami over #2 Denver
While Vince Young may be a stud, the uber-nerd Manning wins the day as the Colts rout the Titans. Miami, led by the nasty Ronnie Brown, runs all over Denver and – shockingly – Mike Shanahan chokes in the playoffs.
Conference
#1 Indy over #5 Miami
Finally, Indy gets to the Super Bowl in a boring game in which Miami never challenges. Also, at halftime, I get a blowjob. Just a hunch.
SUPER BOWL
Carolina over Indy
I’ve gone on record to say that Peyton Manning will never win a championship, so I can’t go back on that now. Carolina is going to be champs: a B+ defense, depth at RB, one playmaking receiver and another who’s just a dickhead enough to cause some problems, a QB with experience, and solid special teams. Carolina, Carolina, Carolina. Mark it down.
[Tomorrow, tune in for our annual fantasy football preview.]
I know, I know – it’s not fall yet, but it’s coming. The oppressive heat and nasty smells of the summer will soon be gone, leaving behind cool nighttime breezes, sleeping with the windows open, finally having an excuse to cover up any exposed parts of my body, and of course, football.
I love football. I love both the game itself and the experience; there is nothing like waking up at noon on Sunday with a hangover, kicking whatever random girl you’re with out of your bed, ordering a pizza and 50 wings, and spending the next ten hours watching football. A better way to spend a day, I can think of none.
What follows is my 2006 NFL preview. Many of you know that my favorite team is my hometown Philadelphia Eagles, who had a bad season last year. However, what’s past is past and we must look forward to the future. And now let’s never talk about the 2005 Eagles again. Thank you for your support.
[Note about the preview that I give every year: I have neither the time nor the mathematical prowess to count every team's projected record to make sure the league's cumulative record is even at .500. So just give me a break on that, ok?]
NFC EAST
New York Giants 10-6
Philadelphia Eagles 9-7
Washington Redskins 8-8
Dallas Cowboys 7-9
Why do I have to start with this division, which, I believe, is the best in football (not that I’m biased or anything)? I think the Giants are the best in the division but are a bit over-hyped (I don’t think this is the year Eli makes "the leap" and yes, I realize how many Giants fans are going to email me after his first 4 TD game). I like the Eagles, I truly do. I think they could even make a potential run at the playoffs if only because they solved a major dilemma from last year: the shitty d-line. When you blitz, if your front four can’t get pressure, the whole thing is fucked. This is what happened last year (oh yeah, and some injuries and something with one of their receivers). They are now DEEP at d-line but I have no idea who’s playing outside linebacker and I will never feel happy with Westbrook as a feature back and let’s not get started on the receivers and those last few games in this year’s schedule . So I’ll put them at 9-7. Washington seems mediocre and much depends on how tender Portis’ shoulder is. And finally…Dallas. Though I put a futures bet on them to win the Super Bowl, it already seems like it’ll be tough: weak O-line, Romo breathing down Bledsoe’s neck, and, oh yeah, T.O. I think it’s only about three games before Parcells and T.O. are fighting. Three weeks tops.
NFC NORTH
Detroit Lions 10-6
Chicago Bears 10-6
Minnesota Vikings 7-9
Green Bay Packers 4-12
I’m a big believer in Mike Martz’s system (please, at least try to conceal your laughter). I know it’s a little crazy, but I think Detroit has a lot of weapons. Maybe they turn it around this year. The debate now in Chicago is Grossman or Greise and my suggestion is: who gives a shit? Let’s get Cedric Benson 400 carries and ride that defense out. The Vikings, well, I don’t think they’ll be any boat cruises, but Brad Johnson just lost his #1 WR to a DWI and Chestor Taylor as your main guy? Much has been said of Favre’s comment that this is the most talented team he’s played with…let’s just make sure we all start our fantasy defenses when he’s playing.
NFC SOUTH
Carolina Panthers 11-5
New Orleans Saints 9-7
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 8-8
Atlanta Falcons 5-11
Carolina is freak nasty as long as nothing major happens to Steve Smith; by Week Six it should be obvious that they have the division wrapped up. I think New Orleans will surprise many people this year and yes, Reggie Bush will be starting by midseason at the latest. Tampa could make some noise but I just can’t bring myself to believe in them with Chris Simms at the helm. I can not say this enough, even though I’ve been saying it for years: Michael Vick will never be truly successful as an NFL quarterback. Yes, he scrambles, but so did Randall Cunningham. Both guys are the same: all tools, no brains. And no, I’m not being racist, even though Steve Young, a nice white boy, scrambled and was successful.
NFC WEST
Seattle 12-4
Arizona 10-6
St. Louis 6-10
San Francisco 3-13
If Seattle doesn’t win this division, someone needs to be fired. Arizona, with Matt Leinart at the helm, will make the playoffs (even though the o-line is highly suspect). And really, what can anyone say about St. Louis and San Fran other than, "Eh?"
************************
AFC EAST
New England Patriots 10-6
Miami Dolphins 10-6
Buffalo Bills 6-10
NY Jets 4-12
Though they win the division, this is the first year that the New England dynasty takes a serious hit. I see a couple of failures where failures previously did not arise. Just an instinct. Everyone is all over Miami. I like Saban and his system, I like Ronnie Brown. Daunte Culpepper, after what he did to my fantasy team last year, will never be the beneficiary of my love or trust. Also, their uniforms are still teal and orange. Buffalo, sadly, will remained mired in its horrid post-90′s quagmire and it’s going to be a looooooonnnnnggggg year for Gang Green. Ouch, baby.
AFC NORTH
Cincinnati Bengals 11-5
Pittsburgh Steelers 9-7
Cleveland Browns 8-8
Baltimore Ravens 5-11
Yeah, I know the Bengals love getting arrested and I know that Carson is still tentative about his knee, but I think he’s going to be nasty this year. They have a stud QB, a very good RB, a great WR, a solid defense, and a very good coach. You know how one Super Bowl team misses the playoffs the next year? Say hello to Pittsburgh. I’m not feeling you, Ben. Sorry. Cleveland is my version of New Orleans…I still don’t know who Charlie Frye is and I’m listed as their second-string center and Kellen Winslow is just such a fucking cocksucker, but I really think I’d like the city of Cleveland, so let’s let them at least be .500. And Baltimore…this is Brian Billick’s last year there. Mark it down.
AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis Colts 12-4
Tennessee Titans 9-7
Jacksonville Jaguars 8-8
Houston Texans 5-11
No surprise: the Colts win a lot of games. I think the Titans make a little noise and sneak into the playoffs – remember, Vince Young is NOT Michael Vick (Vick never passed for 3000+ yards in a college season; Vick never passed for over 2000). Jacksonville doesn’t continue on the momentum of their 12-4 season last year and Houston fucking stinks (I understand that they needed help on their d-line more than in the backfield, but really?).
AFC WEST
Denver Broncos 11-5
San Diego Chargers 8-8
Kansas City Chiefs 8-8
Oakland Raiders 6-10
Denver has another solid, spectacular season (no, Jay Cutler will not start). San Diego falters but Rivers shows flashes of brilliance. KC under Herm is inconsistent, winning or losing by a lot, giving gamblers fits. Oakland – do you really think Aaron Fucking Brooks is the answer? Man, I feel bad for you.
[Notice though, that even if I seem to have taken some risks (i.e. Detroit, Arizona, Miami, etc), they're really not that risky at all since they're the "hot" NFL picks. But I'm a wuss. I applaud any man who can pick the Titans to win the AFC South or the Rams to win the NFC. 'Cause I ain't doing it.]
******************
PLAYOFFS
NFC
1) Seattle Seahawks
2) Carolina Panthers
3) Detroit Lions
4) NY Giants
5) Arizona
6) Chicago
Wild Card
#3 Detroit over #6 Chicago
#5 Arizona over #4 New York
Inspired by their first playoffs games, um, almost ever, Detroit and ‘Zona overtake the Bears and G-Men with their gumption. John Kitna turns in a Christ-like performance as the Lions win 10-0 while Leinart proves he’s much better-looking and better-playing than Eli on this day: Cards 24, Giants 16.
Divisional
#1 Seattle over #5 Arizona
#2 Carolina over #3 Detroit
Though they had a nice run and made for a heart-warming story, both Arizona and Detroit are crushed by the two teams that have been the cream of the crop in the NFC all season long. Both teams cover the spreads: I buy a boat.
Conference
#2 Carolina over #1 Seattle
Carolina continues its nasty season and dispatches Seattle at home - without even shoddy officiating.
AFC
1) Indianapolis Colts
2) Denver Broncos
3) Cincinnati Bengals
4) New England Patriots
5) Miami Dolphins
6) Tennessee Titans
Wild Card
#6 Tennessee over #3 Cincinnati
#5 Miami over #4 New England
6’6" 320 pounds Albert Haynesworth falls on Carson "Pretty Boy" Palmer’s knee: Titans 23, Cincy 17. Miami shuts up 60,000 Massholes by stunning the Pats at home (told you it was the beginning of the end for New England).
Divisional
#1 Indy over #6 Tennessee
#5 Miami over #2 Denver
While Vince Young may be a stud, the uber-nerd Manning wins the day as the Colts rout the Titans. Miami, led by the nasty Ronnie Brown, runs all over Denver and – shockingly – Mike Shanahan chokes in the playoffs.
Conference
#1 Indy over #5 Miami
Finally, Indy gets to the Super Bowl in a boring game in which Miami never challenges. Also, at halftime, I get a blowjob. Just a hunch.
SUPER BOWL
Carolina over Indy
I’ve gone on record to say that Peyton Manning will never win a championship, so I can’t go back on that now. Carolina is going to be champs: a B+ defense, depth at RB, one playmaking receiver and another who’s just a dickhead enough to cause some problems, a QB with experience, and solid special teams. Carolina, Carolina, Carolina. Mark it down.
[Tomorrow, tune in for our annual fantasy football preview.]
