I am the commissioner of a series of fantasy leagues called "Iron Sheik" (named after the one and only Iron Sheik, also coincidentally the name of our college softball team, the same one on which I batted .800 senior year, all the while maintaining a blood-alcohol level of at least .12).  Roughly the same group of guys have been doing this since 2000, with one league per year for baseball, football, and basketball.  This year’s football league is Iron Sheik XX.  Of the 18 titles so far won (as IS XIX – baseball – is still in progress), I have won 4 of them.  And this is a very competitive league.  Translation: I am fucking awesome at fantasy sports. 

But before I get into my fantasy primer, I have to admit that football was not kind to me last year.  I failed to even make the playoffs, a decidedly not awesome move.  But at least I have an excuse: I took Daunte Culpepper in the first round and Ahman Green in the second.  Ouch.  Injuries destroyed these two players and ultimately my season.  That’s the joy and pain of football: because it’s only once a week, anything can happen.  Which is great, except when I get fucked. 

[I should note that in my leagues, we start two QBs, which makes things immensely more difficult.  There are only 30 starting QBs in all the NFL and twelve teams in my fantasy league.  Do the math.  QBs are very important to us.  However, this has no bearing on the rankings below, since I've broken them up by position.]

Iron Sheik tradition is that draft order is determined one week before the draft.  On this day, a female co-worker – one who I hopefully have no made out with, but few are available - will come into my office and randomly pick out of a hat (or folder) the names of each of the league participants.  To ensure validity and that I’m not rigging this, she does this while at least two other members of the league are on speakerphone.
 
We determined our draft order yesterday, as the draft is next Wednesday.  And I got the 4th pick.
 
Yes, the dreaded 4th pick.  It is widely accepted that 1-2-3 in pretty much every single fantasy football draft is some variation of Larry Johnson-Shaun Alexander-LaDainian Tomlinson.  After that, you’re left with a mish-mash of RBs that are too similar too each other for much of a difference.  And I have to pick one of these bums.
 
[Or maybe I'll take Peyton, but I doubt it - I'll explain below.]
 
So while I struggle with what I’m going to do with my 4th overall pick, I’ll give you my draft primer.  First, I’m repeating the same draft tips I wrote last year, then I’ll get into the individual rankings.  Good luck and god speed.
 
Draft Tips
 
1) Do your research.  This may seem obvious, but if you wing it, you’ll lose.  Sure, anyone with a fundamental knowledge of football can navigate through the first few rounds, but what happens in round 8 when you’re looking for a 3rd receiver and are deciding between Braylon Edwards and Donte Stallworth? 
 
At the very least, visit the fantasy sections of ESPN, Yahoo, and CBS Sportsline to get a general idea of two things: what statistics players put up last year and where players are being drafting.  Yeah, odds are good that Peyton Manning will have around 30 TDs and he’s a high pick, but what about a guy like Thomas Jones?  Where’s he being drafted in relation to Cedric Benson? 
 
Go into the draft with some stuff printed out with last year’s stats.  That’ll give you a cheat sheet to look over during the draft.  Additionally, I like to highlight certain guys I like, making notes on the side.  Do whatever makes you comfortable, but you should have a little bit of paperwork to refer to during the draft.
 
2) Lie and manipulate.  If you are in a league with friends, constantly engage them in conversations before the draft.  Feel them out about their battle plans, who they like, etc and reciprocate with information that is entirely false.  The important thing is to be sincere and seem honest.  A good way to do this is by saying stuff like, "You know, I don’t even know if I should tell you this, but I think John Kitna is going to blow up this year" when you secretly think his shoulders going to detach from his body in Week 3. 
 
Say you have the 6th pick in the first round, and you’re buddy has the 5th.  You really, really want Edgerrin James, but think your buddy at 5 is going to take him.  The solution: talk up another player.  "Dude, I love Portis.  Did you see how sick he was at the end of last year?  But c’mon – don’t take him, dude.  I’m calling dibbs on him."  More than likely, your buddy at 5 will take Portis, in the hopes of screwing you over, and you’ll get Edge.  Remember, the other owners in your league are just as soulless as you are, just much, much dumber.  The point is, NEVER show your true hand.  Flaunt your fake hand constantly.
 
3) Don’t panic, and start or stay off the waves.  Countless mistakes are made during the draft because the manager was panicking.  Don’t be like this.  As your pick comes back to you, be sure to have at least two choices ready.  This way, if the guy ahead of you takes the player you wanted, you don’t make a rash decision and end up taking a kicker in the 5th round.
 
A good deal of draft panic derives from position runs.  This happens when a number of players of the same position are selected in a row, causing owners to think, "Holy crap!  All the [QBs, WRs, TEs, etc] are going!  I have to get one now!"  The result is that they wind up with a not-as-good player, because they jumped on the wave too late.
 
My advice is to either stay off these or start them.  I usually stay off rather than start them, just because it’s easier.  But say you’re in the third round, and the guy a few picks before you takes Daunte Culpepper.  Then the next guy takes Donovan McNabb.  Then the next guy takes Jake Delhomme or Matt Hasselbeck or someone.  Then it’s on.  You’ll see a flurry of managers selecting QBs that shouldn’t be selected.  In this situation, I would back off, take a RB or star WR, and wait a few rounds before taking a serviceable QB (Warner, Bulger, etc).
 
Runs or waves most often happen late in the draft when people pick kickers or defenses.  I usually completely ignore these, preferring instead to take a third RB or another QB.  Which brings us to…
 
4) Fuck tight ends, kickers, and defenses.  Simply put, these don’t matter very much.  There’s something to be said for having Tony Gonzalez or Antonio Gates, but if you don’t get them in round 4 or 5, forget it.  In a 16 round draft, I won’t take these three positions until rounds 12-16.  And even then I don’t put much thought into it.  I’d rather pick up a different defense every week and draft a young WR with a lot of upside than take the Pittsburgh defense in the 8th.
 
5) Know your enemy.  When you’re picking, it’s important to know who the managers around you already have on their teams.  For example, say you have the 8th pick in a 10 person league.  It’s the 3rd round, and you’re really looking for a QB, but you see that a nice WR has fallen to you.  Check to see who the 9th and 10th owners have.  If they already have a QB, take the WR with your 3rd round choice and then get the QB on the wrap in the 4th round, following the logic that if the guys picking after you already have a QB, they’re not going to take another one.  This knowledge is key. 
 
6) Think "best available."  I’m all for filling out your roster positions, but at the same time I adhere to the principle of "best available," meaning take the best available player, regardless of position.  For example, say by the 3rd round I’ve drafted two quality RBs and a decent QB.  In round 4, if I see another very good RB who I think has lasted too long, I will take him over a WR that I have less confidence in.  Sure, it means that I have one RB too many, but it also means that my competitor won’t have this RB on his team.  It’s a wise decision to draft best available because it means a) you’ll have trade bait and b) it’s offensive by being defensive.
 
7) Handcuff, handcuff, handcuff.  Spend the last few rounds making sure you draft the backups of your marquee players.  Players get hurt and their backups step up and often times play well (especially in the case of RBs and, to a less extent, QBs).  For a lesson, look at the sorry losers who drafted Priest Holmes last year but didn’t also take Larry Johnson.  Um, opps.     
 
So there are your tips.  Now onto the positions.
 
[Note: We will assume that this is a standard scoring league with ten teams playing head-to-head, the position break-down being: QB, RB, RB, WR, WR, WR, TE, K, DEF.  "Sleepers" and "busts" mean that I think relative to where these players are being drafted, they will perform better or worse.  If I say that Peyton Manning is a potential bust, I don’t mean that I think he’s going to throw for 6 TDs and 20 INTs.  I mean that he ain’t gonna perform like a #4 overall pick.  Dig?]
 
QUARTERBACK
1 Peyton Manning, Ind
2 Tom Brady, NE
3 Donovan McNabb, Phi  
4 Carson Palmer, Cin
5 Matt Hasselbeck, Sea
6 Daunte Culpepper, Mia
7 Eli Manning, NYG
8 Jake Delhomme, Car 
9 Drew Brees, NO 
10 Kurt Warner, Ari
11 Trent Green, KC
12 Jake Plummer, Den
13 Marc Bulger, StL 
14 Ben Roethlisberger, Pit 
15 Michael Vick, Atl 
16 Brett Favre, GB
17 Byron Leftwich, Jac  
18 Jon Kitna, Det
19 Brad Johnson, Min
20 Philip Rivers, SD 
 
Peyton at 1, Brady at 2, and – McNabb at 3?  Call me a homer, but he looks terrific in camp.  Yeah, yeah – he’s got no one to throw to, but he didn’t for 90% of his career and had some fine years.  Carson Palmer has the biggest question mark of any player in the league.  Yes, he threw for 32 TDs last year, but his knee got really fucked up.  As my buddy Joe and I were recently discussing, he doesn’t seem like what the announcers call "a player" – everything I’m reading is talking about how tentative he’s being.  I’m not exactly saying he’s a pussy, but I am saying I hope that I don’t have to make a call on draft day on whether or not to take him. 
 
[And I stress this every year (well, last year and this year): do not overvalue Peyton.  Yes, he threw an unbelievable 49 TDs two years ago.  But in the past five years he's thrown 26-27-29-49-28 TDs - which of these things is not like the others?  Fine numbers and all, but expect 28, not 38.]
 
Potential Sleepers: Three jump out - Culpepper, Kitna, and Rivers.  Culpepper burned me (and many others) very badly last year, but when he’s healthy, he’s an incredible talent.  As I said yesterday, I’m a big believer in Mike Martz’s offensive system and John Kitna (I never thought I’d say this) is a good QB.  As for Rivers, remember: many had him higher than Eli on their draft boards.  He’ll take his lumps, but he’s got a 6’6" target who just so happens to be the best TE in the league within ten yards of him and one of the top RBs in the league lining up behind him (and a great pass catcher).  I can’t think of a better set-up for a young QB than that. 
 
Potential Busts: Culpepper.  Just too damn intriguing to let slip too far, but such a painful history (so, so much pain).  I only have a hunch about this, but I feel like Eli is very overrated (especially if you have Giants fans in your league) and people are a little high on Delhomme (even though I think the Panthers will win the Super Bowl).   
 
Guys Who Might Kill Me Because I Hate Them: Drew Bledsoe, who isn’t even on this list.  Fuck you, Drew.  Also, fuck you, Chris Simms.  You and your dad both suck. 

RUNNING BACK
1 LaDainian Tomlinson, SD
2 Shaun Alexander, Sea
3 Larry Johnson, KC
4 Tiki Barber, NYG
5 Clinton Portis, Was
6 Edgerrin James, Ari
7 Steven Jackson, StL
8 Rudi Johnson, Cin
9 LaMont Jordan, Oak
10 Carnell Williams, TB
11 Ronnie Brown, Mia
12 Kevin Jones, Det
13 Domanick Davis, Hou
14 Willis McGahee, Buf
15 Corey Dillon, NE
16 Reggie Bush, NO
17 Brian Westbrook, Phi
18 Julius Jones, Dal
19 Chester Taylor, Min
20 DeShaun Foster, Car
21 Joseph Addai, Ind
22 Mike Bell, Den
23 Warrick Dunn, Atl 
24 Reuben Droughns, Cle
25 Willie Parker, Pit
 
You really can’t go wrong with any of the top three in any order.  I choose LT because he’s done it for awhile now, while LJ has less than a full season of dominance (serious fucking dominance, but still) and Shaun Alexander is a) no longer in a contract year; b) lost star o-lineman Steve Hutchinson; and most importantly c) is on the cover of "Madden 07" and thus susceptible to the Madden cover jinx.  Tiki is a natural at 4 (no, I don’t believe that Brandon Jacobs will vulture too many of his TDs AND look at Tiki’s yards receiving the past few years).  Portis and his shoulder scares the hell out of me, especially since the Skins traded for Duckett (who WILL vulture goal-line touches), but no one puts the fear of God in me like Edge.  Yes, Kurt Warner quietly had a great year throwing to two of the best WRs in the league (Fitzgerald and Boldin), but that o-line is terrible, absolutely terrible.  Edge could have an MVP-type year or, um, not so much. 
 
Potential Sleepers: Why is everyone down on Corey Dillon? Have I missed something here?  Maybe I have, but he had like a dozen TDs last year but isn’t cracking many top 20 lists.  I think Kevin Jones could have a nice year for the same reason I believe in John Kitna – the RB in a Martz system is the recipient of a lot of scores (yes, I realize that Kevin Jones is no Marshall Faulk, but if he’s half that, that’s cool with me). Watch out for Chestor Taylor and DeShaun Foster as well. 
 
Potential Busts: I think Reggie Bush is very overrated at the moment.  I think I have him too high in my list, but there is always a chance that Deuce gets hurt and Reggie runs for 1400 yards, so I want to cover my ass.  But I wouldn’t take him too high.  I mentioned Edge’s and Portis’s potential as busts above 
 
Guys Who Might Kill Me Because I Hate Them: Take your pick – Cedric Benson, Thomas Jones, Deuce McAllister, Reggie Bush.  I have little to no idea what’s going on in these situations, so fuck ‘em all.  Fuck ‘em all to hell. 

WIDE RECEIVER
1 Steve Smith, Car
2 Marvin Harrison, Ind
3 Chad Johnson, Cin 
4 Terrell Owens, Dal
5 Torry Holt, StL
6 Randy Moss, Oak
7 Larry Fitzgerald, Ari
8 Anquan Boldin, Ari
9 Hines Ward, Pit
10 Santana Moss, Was
11 Chris Chambers, Mia
12 Roy Williams, Det
13 Plaxico Burress, NYG
14 Reggie Wayne, Ind
15 T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Cin
16 Javon Walker, Den
17 Joe Horn, NO
18 Lee Evans, Buf
19 David Givens, Ten
20 Derrick Mason, Bal
21 Donald Driver, GB
22 Andre Johnson, Hou
23 Darrell Jackson, Sea
24 Keenan McCardell, SD
25 Joey Galloway, TB
26 Matt Jones, Jac
27 Brandon Lloyd, Was
28 Drew Bennett, Ten
29 Rod Smith, Den
30 Troy Williamson, Min
 
Admittedly, WR is the weakest part of my game, in part because I just can’t be bothered as much as with the other positions.  A good QB will get 20 TDs and 2500 yards, a good RB 10 TDs and 1200 yards, a good WR 7 TDs and 1000 yards.  So naturally I spend more time on the money positions.  And it kills me almost every year.
 
But this year I’ve been researching a bit more on the WR position and feel pretty confident.  The top 10 here and the same top 10 you’ll see on almost every list, but two things to note: 1) If Terrell Owens is healthy (and I don’t know how big that "if" is), he is going to have a very big year.  Or I will assassinate him.  2) Did you ever think you’d see the day when Randy Moss is out of the top five?  I had trouble doing it myself, but I had a lot more faith in Kerry Collins (and we all know how that worked out) than I do in Aaron Fucking Brooks.  Poor guy.  Randy, why don’t you come to Philly?  Please? 
 
Potential Sleepers: Roy Williams (see Jones, K; Kitna, J), Javon Walker (if he regains his speed, Plummer likes the bomb – could be a nice match); Joe Horn (yeah, he doesn’t score, but who else is Brees going to pass to?), Matt Jones (gotta love a white guy who learned to play WR just last year and had a good season). 
 
Potential Busts: Depending on the fate of Carson Palmer, I’m a little concerned with the Cincy guys; I don’t even know if I truly feel Johnson should be #3, but his potential and gold teeth lure me to him like a siren song.  And Hines Ward can’t possibly have a better year than he did last year.  Other than that, since WR is a difficult position to predict, no one really jumps out as a potential bust. 
 
Guys Who Might Kill Me Because I Hate Them: Because I’m not so hot on Eli, Plaxico might give me fits this season.  Keyshawn gets a big fuck you, and while we’re at it, so does Jerry Porter (nicknamed by former coach John Gruden "The Rainbow" – pretty when he’s around, but barely so) and Laveranues Coles (just because I had to look at the ESPN.com site five times before I spelled his name correctly). 
 
TIGHT END
1 Antonio Gates, SD
2 Tony Gonzalez, KC
3 Alge Crumpler, Atl
4 Jeremy Shockey, NYG
5 Todd Heap, Bal
6 Jason Witten, Dal 
7 Randy McMichael, Mia
8 L.J. Smith, Phi
9 Kellen Winslow, Cle
10 Ben Watson, NE
11 Vernon Davis, SF
12 Chris Cooley, Was
13 Dallas Clark, Ind
14 Heath Miller, Pit
15 Jerramy Stevens, Sea
 
There is actually some pretty nice depth in the position this year; no need to fret if you miss out on Gates and Gonzalez early on.  Though they still are the best of the group, if you’re in a 10 person league, I think these top, say, 12 guys are all capable of at least 6 TDs, in some case many more.  I’ve been doing fantasy football for six years and I can’t recall and deeper class of TEs (translation: don’t waste an early pick on Gates or Gonzo).  
 
Potential Sleepers: I am loving three guys later on – LJ Smith, Kellen Winslow, and Ben Watson.  I think LJ finally stops dropping passes and pulls it together – reports from camp have been good.  Kellen Winslow is a complete asshole, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a very big year – he’s been drafted rather low among TEs, so don’t forget him.  And Ben Watson, well, I just feel it.  I’m thinking he could pull something like 8 TDs this year.
   
Potential Busts: Jeremy Shockey’s 900 yards last year were nice, but when is he going to establish himself as a big-time red zone target?  I have him listed 4th here and I believe that he is, but I wouldn’t draft him before round 8 or 9.  Yes, everyone knows Vernon Davis is big, but don’t bite too early on him. 
 
Guys Who Might Kill Me Because I Hate Them: None come immediately come to mind.  I mean, I hate Shockey and Winslow, but I guarantee I won’t have Shockey on any teams (other assholes will take him higher than I would) and Winslow is just a dick but kinda sexy, so there’s that. 
 
KICKER
1 Adam Vinatieri, Ind
2 Neil Rackers, Ari
3 Jason Elam, Den
4 David Akers, Phi
5 Mike Vanderjagt, Dal
6 Shayne Graham, Cin
7 Jay Feely, NYG
8 Josh Brown, Sea
9 Jeff Wilkins, StL
10 John Kasay, Car 
 
I’m not going to do sleepers/busts for kickers and defenses because I don’t care, I don’t know enough to, and this is already really, really long.  I have two rules when it comes to selecting kickers: 1) Take a kicker on an offense that scores a lot; 2) Take a kicker than plays in nice weather.  I have no idea how many field goals any of these guys will kick, but I know Indy will score points and they play inside.  There are exceptions (Elam, though the thin Colorado air makes the ball fly) and ol’ Ryan Longwell back in the GB days, but a kicker is not going to make or break your season so don’t take any of these guys too high.   
 
DEFENSE
1 Bears
2 Steelers
3 Panthers
4 Colts
5 Seahawks
6 Giants
7 Ravens
8 Jaguars
9 Broncos
10 Eagles
11 Buccaneers
12 Cowboys 
13 Redskins 
14 Patriots
15 Bengals
 
More important than kickers but more difficult to predict are defenses.  Unless you use some crazy scoring systems, the most important indicator of a good fantasy defense is how many TDs it scores (whereas in the NFL defenses are ranked on yards allowed).  How the hell can you guess how many TDs a defense will score?  Frustrating owners further is that statistically, there is only a slight (or at least erratic) correlation between the NFL’s best defenses and fantasy’s.  Fuck.  So use this list, use another list, or just make it the fuck up: as long as you don’t take a defense too early, we can still be friends.   
 
***************
 
There’s your 2006 fantasy football primer.  Wow – almost 4000 words.  Do you see what happens when I’m allowed to write about sports?  Thank you for indulging me over the past two days and tomorrow we return to our regularly scheduled programming.  Good luck on your fantasy football drafts and I look forward to the 200 or so emails I’m going to get calling me an asshole who doesn’t know shit about football.  Don’t expect a response.