one (zipper), two (hair), three (music)
7 September 2006
First, for the first hour and a half of my day, my fly was open. This time included leaving my apartment, riding on a more-crowded-than-usual subway train, walking around my building, and talking to two of my co-workers while standing in the doorways of their offices. Nice. For being totally fucking awesome, I rewarded myself with a bacon, egg and cheese bagel. It was terrific.
Second, speaking of being totally fucking awesome, you have no idea how good it feels to come home at 1:30 in the morning with a nice buzz, feeling happy, only to check your email to read 60 emails from strangers saying, "Dude, you are really going bald." That’s totally fucking awesome.
Perhaps I should have mentioned that my main priorities while in Maine (main-Maine, get it?) this weekend were not focused on my hair. In fact, if I had to put them in order of importance, my priorities would have gone:
1) Getting messed up.
2) Eating pretty much everything put in front of me, live or dead.
3) Not masturbating.
4) Seriously, getting really messed up.
5) Wearing a hoodie that says "Maine" even though I’m in Maine and not doing this out of irony but because I packed only t-shirts and it was 55° all weekend and I was fucking cold.
6) Sorting all kinds of shit out.
…
…
11) Inhaling a lot of second-hand cigarette smoke.
…
…
23) Telling everyone about how Wendy’s now has a vanilla frosty and saying "It blew my fucking mind" over and over again.
…
…
39) Taking long showers and pissing off my friends.
…
…
58) Not answering any calls or text messages from anyone not in the house with me.
…
…
83) Raving about the Wendy’s grilled chicken sandwich I ate on the drive up, mentioning the vanilla frosty again. Adding, "Doesn’t that blow your fucking mind?"
…
…
112) Praying for the soul of the Croc Hunter, that he isn’t eternally damned for tormenting literally billions of crocodiles throughout his life.
…
…
597) Making sure my hair looks good for the pictures that my friends are taking while intoxicated.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that though my hair may appear a little bit thinning in those pictures, I have lovely hair. Well, maybe not lovely, but I’m not going bald. Sure, I do have power alleys, but my hair is fine. Ok? Let’s just move on before I get too wound up.
(Also, do you know how windy it is on the beach in Maine? The answer: Lots. Lots windy. Not good for hair.)
(Also, by a show of hands, how many people were named one of the most gorgeous people in the universe in the past 15 months? Anyone? Wait, only my hand is up? Yeah – that’s what I thought. So I guess I’m doing pretty well for my bald self. Did I mention I just lost 33 pounds? Jerks. The whole lot of you. Buncha jerks.)
Third, Six Songs.
"Parties in the U.S.A." Jonathan Richman
I’m going to make this real simple for you: if you like parties, and you think we should have more parties in the USA, then you will probably like this song. If you like songs that sound like 60′s rock but were actually made 30 years later, then you will probably love this song. One of the unofficial theme songs to this past weekend in Maine.
"Let’s Make This Moment A Crime" The Format
Damn this band writes some catchy songs. They’re so catchy and poppy that I’m not sure if it’s cool to like them. But since I’m not cool, I’ll continue to enjoy their music and pimp them out to you all.
"Gotta Travel On" Bob Dylan
My friend Corinne played this song as we pulled away from the beach house, passing by summer homes of all shapes and sizes, the ocean on one side of us, the hills on the other. It was the most movie-like experience of my life, and not only because I had so much marijuana smoke in my lungs that I could have been arrested for possession – even though I didn’t have any pot on my person. Bob Dylan is better than Jesus.
"It’s A Crime (I Never Told You About the Diamonds In Your Eyes)" Black Heart Procession
I like piano-driven songs with long titles. I also like diamonds and sadness. So this song is a perfect fit.
"Only A Dream" Solomon Burke
I feel like I could be a very good 70 year old black man. Maybe sitting on a stoop, wearing a hat, rocking a cane, listening to Otis Redding, Sam Cooke, Solomon Burke, and tons of other old school R&B artists I, as a white 27 year old, have never heard of. This song comes to me from my Otis Redding playlist on Pandora, which, if you aren’t using, you absolutely should be. Sweet, sweet song.
"Brain Freeze (Track 1)" DJ Shadow
I have no idea where this comes from, I have no idea if it’s on an album, and I have no idea how a white guy could do this, but I do know one thing: this rocks my fucking balls off. Download this off Limewire, sit back, and prepared to have your guts kicked out. (The song is sometimes listed as DJ Shadow and Cut Chemist, if that helps you find it.) The ultimate background music for parties, hanging out, or drinking. Great.
[Now, have a good weekend. Off to Boston - wish me luck.]
[See? I told you I might post again. You guys never listen. Never fucking listen.]
Second, speaking of being totally fucking awesome, you have no idea how good it feels to come home at 1:30 in the morning with a nice buzz, feeling happy, only to check your email to read 60 emails from strangers saying, "Dude, you are really going bald." That’s totally fucking awesome.
Perhaps I should have mentioned that my main priorities while in Maine (main-Maine, get it?) this weekend were not focused on my hair. In fact, if I had to put them in order of importance, my priorities would have gone:
1) Getting messed up.
2) Eating pretty much everything put in front of me, live or dead.
3) Not masturbating.
4) Seriously, getting really messed up.
5) Wearing a hoodie that says "Maine" even though I’m in Maine and not doing this out of irony but because I packed only t-shirts and it was 55° all weekend and I was fucking cold.
6) Sorting all kinds of shit out.
…
…
11) Inhaling a lot of second-hand cigarette smoke.
…
…
23) Telling everyone about how Wendy’s now has a vanilla frosty and saying "It blew my fucking mind" over and over again.
…
…
39) Taking long showers and pissing off my friends.
…
…
58) Not answering any calls or text messages from anyone not in the house with me.
…
…
83) Raving about the Wendy’s grilled chicken sandwich I ate on the drive up, mentioning the vanilla frosty again. Adding, "Doesn’t that blow your fucking mind?"
…
…
112) Praying for the soul of the Croc Hunter, that he isn’t eternally damned for tormenting literally billions of crocodiles throughout his life.
…
…
597) Making sure my hair looks good for the pictures that my friends are taking while intoxicated.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that though my hair may appear a little bit thinning in those pictures, I have lovely hair. Well, maybe not lovely, but I’m not going bald. Sure, I do have power alleys, but my hair is fine. Ok? Let’s just move on before I get too wound up.
(Also, do you know how windy it is on the beach in Maine? The answer: Lots. Lots windy. Not good for hair.)
(Also, by a show of hands, how many people were named one of the most gorgeous people in the universe in the past 15 months? Anyone? Wait, only my hand is up? Yeah – that’s what I thought. So I guess I’m doing pretty well for my bald self. Did I mention I just lost 33 pounds? Jerks. The whole lot of you. Buncha jerks.)
Third, Six Songs.
"Parties in the U.S.A." Jonathan Richman
I’m going to make this real simple for you: if you like parties, and you think we should have more parties in the USA, then you will probably like this song. If you like songs that sound like 60′s rock but were actually made 30 years later, then you will probably love this song. One of the unofficial theme songs to this past weekend in Maine.
"Let’s Make This Moment A Crime" The Format
Damn this band writes some catchy songs. They’re so catchy and poppy that I’m not sure if it’s cool to like them. But since I’m not cool, I’ll continue to enjoy their music and pimp them out to you all.
"Gotta Travel On" Bob Dylan
My friend Corinne played this song as we pulled away from the beach house, passing by summer homes of all shapes and sizes, the ocean on one side of us, the hills on the other. It was the most movie-like experience of my life, and not only because I had so much marijuana smoke in my lungs that I could have been arrested for possession – even though I didn’t have any pot on my person. Bob Dylan is better than Jesus.
"It’s A Crime (I Never Told You About the Diamonds In Your Eyes)" Black Heart Procession
I like piano-driven songs with long titles. I also like diamonds and sadness. So this song is a perfect fit.
"Only A Dream" Solomon Burke
I feel like I could be a very good 70 year old black man. Maybe sitting on a stoop, wearing a hat, rocking a cane, listening to Otis Redding, Sam Cooke, Solomon Burke, and tons of other old school R&B artists I, as a white 27 year old, have never heard of. This song comes to me from my Otis Redding playlist on Pandora, which, if you aren’t using, you absolutely should be. Sweet, sweet song.
"Brain Freeze (Track 1)" DJ Shadow
I have no idea where this comes from, I have no idea if it’s on an album, and I have no idea how a white guy could do this, but I do know one thing: this rocks my fucking balls off. Download this off Limewire, sit back, and prepared to have your guts kicked out. (The song is sometimes listed as DJ Shadow and Cut Chemist, if that helps you find it.) The ultimate background music for parties, hanging out, or drinking. Great.
[Now, have a good weekend. Off to Boston - wish me luck.]
[See? I told you I might post again. You guys never listen. Never fucking listen.]
