state of the site
20 September 2006
Because I hung out with Site Guy Brendan in Boston two weekends ago and we did more than just throw empty beer cans at each other and make Brendan’s girlfriend even more disappointed in him, I figure it is high time to provide you with a state of the site post. So indulge me for a moment and let’s talk about all things related to this here website.
1) Projects
i) The book
The book was scheduled for release next April, but it has been pushed back to the fall. This is a good thing, and not just because now instead of rushing to edit it I can read twenty words a day and call that a good day. Of course, I want it out as quickly as possible so I can be famous, but I’ll have to wait a few more months. No big deal. I like fall better than spring anyway and I’ll be able to guilt y’all into buying multiple copies for Christmas presents.
I’ve mentioned this before, but the book is a memoir, focusing much on my childhood. Therefore, there will be no overlap of material between the blog and the book. A lot of bloggers or internet personalities essentially cut and paste from their websites into books. Not cool, and not the case here. All new stuff. So start saving up now.
Once the book comes out, it will be the real deal, with a publicity/reading tour. I have not spoken to the publisher about this very much, but I’m guessing I will at least be reading in New York, Boston, Philly, Los Angeles, and Seattle (I pick these cities based solely on the number of emails I get from readers in them), and more than likely reading in DC, Chicago and San Francisco. If you live in cities other than these, you have just about a year to start making friends in your city so that you can email "my people" a year from now to guarantee a good turn-out should I read in your city. So get on it.
ii) The show
The TV show is more secret because that’s just the way TV works. But here’s your (very rudimentary) lesson in how a new TV show happens (and if you’ve seen this portrayed in "Seinfeld," you have an excellent idea of how this works).
A writer will say to his agent, "Hey – I have a good idea for a show" and tell him about it. An agent will then go around to various executives (at studios, networks, etc) and say, "Hey – my client has a great idea for a show. Want to hear it?" Then the writer will go to various meetings and pitch the show: what it’s about, the main characters, what makes it interesting, etc. If he/she is successful, the studio/network will then pay the writer to write one episode of that show – the first one, or the pilot episode. Then, the writer has "a deal" with that network/studio.
A network will buy literally dozens of pilot episodes. The scripts for these pilots will be submitted by the writers to the network just before Christmas. A few weeks after Christmas, the network will decide which of these pilots to shoot – usually under a dozen. Those less-than-a-dozen pilots will be casted, filmed, etc over the next few months. Finally, in May, the networks will decide which of those shot pilots will be picked up to series (usually one or two pilots only).
Right now, I’m still only writing that first/pilot episode. It’s been bought by a network and I have "a deal" but that’s all I got right now. I will of course let you know more about this as the show progresses, but I can’t really talk about it too much, as many of the people involved in the process would rather not be dragged through the mud on here – which is fine with me, because it only means that the tell-all autobiography I write after this is over will only sell more copies because I’ve been so secretive. See? Always planning ahead.
2) Readership
There was a time when I would look at traffic for this site and masturbate. Nothing would get me more aroused than knowing that 50 people clicked on this site between 2pm and 3pm on a Friday afternoon. But then I got older and more mature and though I still Google myself about once an hour, I haven’t paid much attention to how many hits the site has been getting recently.
(Also, when we switched domains, I couldn’t find the part of the admin database that counted hits, and sort of forgot the whole thing.)
Then I went on my admin page and checked out the numbers for August and was floored. Even before the lil’ shout-outs in Gawker and Deadspin at the end of the month (which I can’t find right now but am still grateful for), we had broken all previous hit records for a single month. We (the royal we) have been pretty steady for some time and I thought summer was a slow time, but there were more readers on this site in August than there were when the People thing came out (and September is proving just as strong).
I know that a blogger (hate…that…fucking…word) talking about "hits" is about as appealing as thinking about your parents having sex (well, maybe not that bad), but the point is, y’all are awesome. Whatever you’re doing as far as spreading the word – passing the site onto your friends, writing about it in messageboards, telling people you’re sleeping with about it – is working, so keep on keepin’ on.
And most importantly, thank you. I promise that if I get any measure of real fame I will make you so, so proud of me – and I mean that in the "crashing my car into the Great Wall of China while wearing an American flag speedo and eating a man made of cocaine" way.
3) Emails
i) Monthly emails
I took a summer hiatus from the monthly emails, mostly because I was lazy. But they are back. The next will go out on Monday, September 25, so enter your email address in the box on the right. This one is the Top Five Mistakes Women Make When Giving Blowjobs and is really, really dirty. Remember: this email post will never appear anywhere on the site, so if you want to read it, you’ll have to sign up.
After that, monthly emails will appear regularly, perhaps monthly. Your job is to a) read and enjoy the email and b) pass it on to other friends. I don’t have the password for the email list, but Site Guy Brendan told me there was a "dramatic" uptick in sign-ups after the first one went out. That means you all passed it on to others who then signed up. Good job. And again, thank you.
ii) Responding to emails
But now I have to get all dick on you about your emails to me. I’m sorry, but I can not respond to every email I receive. I know this is an inherently douchey statement, but there is no other way to say it. I would like to respond to more emails – nothing would be a better use of my time than to engage in witty banter with y’all – but I’m a little busy: I’m editing a book, writing a TV show, trying to develop a freelance "career," writing this blog, working fifty hours a week, going to the gym five times a week (lie), and living the life of a socialite, pulling four hangovers a week. So cut me some slack.
4) Upcoming
Over the next few months, there will be some exciting changes to this site. Of course, I use the word "exciting" loosely, but I’m a little hopped up on caffeine right now, so let me be.
I don’t want to reveal too much, as I want these new thingees to be a surprise, but I will say that fundamentally the site will not change, either in form or function. It will be bettered. For example, it is a goddamn shame that I can’t talk more about sports on here without alienating many of you. The emails I get after a sports post make me want to cry (out of joy). We’re going to address this while leaving everything else intact. Just hang on and I promise better things in the future. I actually sat down a few weeks ago and wrote a plan for this site, a real live "we’re not just figuring this out as we go along" plan, which I gave to Brendan. As you might expect, a solid half of the plan was pure gibberish and most of the other half delineated unattainable goals ("Goal 9: Fuck Janet Jackson", "Goal 15: On the 14th of every month, I’ll drink one beer for every unique visitor", "Goal 20: Bring Jim Morrison back to life to punch him in the face", etc), but those bits that are both intelligible and realistic are actually quite lovely.
***
So that’s it for the state of the site post. Again, thank you for your continued cooperation. One of the downers about the book being pushed back was that I was looking forward to doing a reading tour so that I could meet many of you – and I don’t even mean "meet and sleep with you." I won’t get mushy, but I will say I am very grateful to you all, but more so to your employers, who apparently give you so little to do at work that you keep coming back. God bless the malaise of the working man/woman. God bless it, indeed.
1) Projects
i) The book
The book was scheduled for release next April, but it has been pushed back to the fall. This is a good thing, and not just because now instead of rushing to edit it I can read twenty words a day and call that a good day. Of course, I want it out as quickly as possible so I can be famous, but I’ll have to wait a few more months. No big deal. I like fall better than spring anyway and I’ll be able to guilt y’all into buying multiple copies for Christmas presents.
I’ve mentioned this before, but the book is a memoir, focusing much on my childhood. Therefore, there will be no overlap of material between the blog and the book. A lot of bloggers or internet personalities essentially cut and paste from their websites into books. Not cool, and not the case here. All new stuff. So start saving up now.
Once the book comes out, it will be the real deal, with a publicity/reading tour. I have not spoken to the publisher about this very much, but I’m guessing I will at least be reading in New York, Boston, Philly, Los Angeles, and Seattle (I pick these cities based solely on the number of emails I get from readers in them), and more than likely reading in DC, Chicago and San Francisco. If you live in cities other than these, you have just about a year to start making friends in your city so that you can email "my people" a year from now to guarantee a good turn-out should I read in your city. So get on it.
ii) The show
The TV show is more secret because that’s just the way TV works. But here’s your (very rudimentary) lesson in how a new TV show happens (and if you’ve seen this portrayed in "Seinfeld," you have an excellent idea of how this works).
A writer will say to his agent, "Hey – I have a good idea for a show" and tell him about it. An agent will then go around to various executives (at studios, networks, etc) and say, "Hey – my client has a great idea for a show. Want to hear it?" Then the writer will go to various meetings and pitch the show: what it’s about, the main characters, what makes it interesting, etc. If he/she is successful, the studio/network will then pay the writer to write one episode of that show – the first one, or the pilot episode. Then, the writer has "a deal" with that network/studio.
A network will buy literally dozens of pilot episodes. The scripts for these pilots will be submitted by the writers to the network just before Christmas. A few weeks after Christmas, the network will decide which of these pilots to shoot – usually under a dozen. Those less-than-a-dozen pilots will be casted, filmed, etc over the next few months. Finally, in May, the networks will decide which of those shot pilots will be picked up to series (usually one or two pilots only).
Right now, I’m still only writing that first/pilot episode. It’s been bought by a network and I have "a deal" but that’s all I got right now. I will of course let you know more about this as the show progresses, but I can’t really talk about it too much, as many of the people involved in the process would rather not be dragged through the mud on here – which is fine with me, because it only means that the tell-all autobiography I write after this is over will only sell more copies because I’ve been so secretive. See? Always planning ahead.
2) Readership
There was a time when I would look at traffic for this site and masturbate. Nothing would get me more aroused than knowing that 50 people clicked on this site between 2pm and 3pm on a Friday afternoon. But then I got older and more mature and though I still Google myself about once an hour, I haven’t paid much attention to how many hits the site has been getting recently.
(Also, when we switched domains, I couldn’t find the part of the admin database that counted hits, and sort of forgot the whole thing.)
Then I went on my admin page and checked out the numbers for August and was floored. Even before the lil’ shout-outs in Gawker and Deadspin at the end of the month (which I can’t find right now but am still grateful for), we had broken all previous hit records for a single month. We (the royal we) have been pretty steady for some time and I thought summer was a slow time, but there were more readers on this site in August than there were when the People thing came out (and September is proving just as strong).
I know that a blogger (hate…that…fucking…word) talking about "hits" is about as appealing as thinking about your parents having sex (well, maybe not that bad), but the point is, y’all are awesome. Whatever you’re doing as far as spreading the word – passing the site onto your friends, writing about it in messageboards, telling people you’re sleeping with about it – is working, so keep on keepin’ on.
And most importantly, thank you. I promise that if I get any measure of real fame I will make you so, so proud of me – and I mean that in the "crashing my car into the Great Wall of China while wearing an American flag speedo and eating a man made of cocaine" way.
3) Emails
i) Monthly emails
I took a summer hiatus from the monthly emails, mostly because I was lazy. But they are back. The next will go out on Monday, September 25, so enter your email address in the box on the right. This one is the Top Five Mistakes Women Make When Giving Blowjobs and is really, really dirty. Remember: this email post will never appear anywhere on the site, so if you want to read it, you’ll have to sign up.
After that, monthly emails will appear regularly, perhaps monthly. Your job is to a) read and enjoy the email and b) pass it on to other friends. I don’t have the password for the email list, but Site Guy Brendan told me there was a "dramatic" uptick in sign-ups after the first one went out. That means you all passed it on to others who then signed up. Good job. And again, thank you.
ii) Responding to emails
But now I have to get all dick on you about your emails to me. I’m sorry, but I can not respond to every email I receive. I know this is an inherently douchey statement, but there is no other way to say it. I would like to respond to more emails – nothing would be a better use of my time than to engage in witty banter with y’all – but I’m a little busy: I’m editing a book, writing a TV show, trying to develop a freelance "career," writing this blog, working fifty hours a week, going to the gym five times a week (lie), and living the life of a socialite, pulling four hangovers a week. So cut me some slack.
4) Upcoming
Over the next few months, there will be some exciting changes to this site. Of course, I use the word "exciting" loosely, but I’m a little hopped up on caffeine right now, so let me be.
I don’t want to reveal too much, as I want these new thingees to be a surprise, but I will say that fundamentally the site will not change, either in form or function. It will be bettered. For example, it is a goddamn shame that I can’t talk more about sports on here without alienating many of you. The emails I get after a sports post make me want to cry (out of joy). We’re going to address this while leaving everything else intact. Just hang on and I promise better things in the future. I actually sat down a few weeks ago and wrote a plan for this site, a real live "we’re not just figuring this out as we go along" plan, which I gave to Brendan. As you might expect, a solid half of the plan was pure gibberish and most of the other half delineated unattainable goals ("Goal 9: Fuck Janet Jackson", "Goal 15: On the 14th of every month, I’ll drink one beer for every unique visitor", "Goal 20: Bring Jim Morrison back to life to punch him in the face", etc), but those bits that are both intelligible and realistic are actually quite lovely.
***
So that’s it for the state of the site post. Again, thank you for your continued cooperation. One of the downers about the book being pushed back was that I was looking forward to doing a reading tour so that I could meet many of you – and I don’t even mean "meet and sleep with you." I won’t get mushy, but I will say I am very grateful to you all, but more so to your employers, who apparently give you so little to do at work that you keep coming back. God bless the malaise of the working man/woman. God bless it, indeed.
