you can’t spell ‘assassin’ without the ‘ass’
26 September 2006
Posting may be a little light for the next few days, since I’m doing StreetWars and it has become my life.
I’ll get more into this later, but StreetWars is a water gun assassination game. Basically, you sign up, get a target, and hunt him/her with a water pistol. After you make your "kill," you get another target. At the end of three weeks, whoever gets the most kills is winner. Also, all the while you’re hunting your target, someone is hunting you.
I saw a feature on CNN about this about a year ago and thought it looked cool, so signed up for a reminder when the games came to NYC. I got my reminder a few weeks and while getting bombed with my friends, mentioned it to them. Drunk, we thought it was a cool idea and signed up as a team.
It was only after signing up that we realized that, well, it might be a little lame. Brian and Jeremy had to go to Long Island City to pick up our "dossier" (our target, her picture, her home address, and her work address) and were treated to a very lame scene: the head guys dressed up like pimps drinking cognac in a back of a rented U-Haul, complete with a "harem" and fake bodyguard (I know – I also had to swallow deeply to hold back my pity vomit). This thing is run by people who I have very little doubt were very into theatre in high school and routinely got wedgies. And, upon Jeremy’s estimation after seeing other people present to pick up dossiers, a solid 75% of the people playing in the game are probably virgins, many of whom were in disguise so as not to be seen my their fellow assassins. Yeah. So there’s that.
But then the game started Sunday night at midnight (so Monday, I suppose) and I have to say – it’s pretty interesting. There’s quite an adrenaline rush when you know that someone is, essentially, stalking you. Also (and I have some experience with this) stalking others is pretty fucking awesome. My team and I have spent hours discussing our target and how we are planning to assassinate her. I’ve already spent three hours outside of her place in the past day, waiting for her to come home so that I can shoot her with a water pistol. Yes, I’m 27 years old. And yes, this may go from "water gun assassination game" to "sexual assault" very quickly. Only time will tell, I suppose.
But in the meantime, I’m expending a lot of time and energy on this – like I said, standing outside, on full alert, waiting to shoot someone and also making sure no one shoots you, can really take a lot out of a person. But fortunately for you, dear readers, I should be dead sometime within the next 48 hours. I am taking absolutely no special precautions against the person hunting me, believing that if I were to do so it would be the equivalent of letting the terrorists win (also, a simple google search will tell you much more than you need to know about me for this game – not to mention that this post will probably get back to the head guys who will take umbrage with me calling them out as theatre gays and will then "call down the thunder" on me). For the person hunting me, if you want a piece of me, come get it. If that’s going to help you feel as good as you did when you got that standing ovation in 11th grade after playing the finest Willy Loman in North Shore High history, then so be it. At least I’ve had sex in the past month. Or few months. Or ever. Semantics.
In the meantime, some random Tuesday thoughts which may or may not be discussed in greater detail later:
- I got bombed on Friday (standard Friday night).
- I got bombed on Saturday (wedding).
- I got bombed on Sunday (football game and Irish music).
- I got a little drunk last night, but that wore off because of all the standing and hunting and hoping the target is hot and is so turned on when I assassinate her that she invites me into her room, which is more or less a sex den, and then fellatio occurs for the next 4-5 days.
- My streak of being the best wedding date in the world continues, regardless of what my date to this past weekend’s wedding might tell you.
- San Gennaro is over, praise be to God.
- If Baltimore had covered on Sunday, I would have won $800, which I could really, really use right now. So thanks Baltimore. I appreciate that. (I didn’t lose $800, but had to pick 6 games and went 5-1.)
- Watching the Eagles is damn near excruciating. I understand the value of subbing in a blowout, but they play some shitty second half football. Where’s the defensive intensity? I still think they finish 9-7. Total paper champions.
- If I were a Giants fan, I’d be very, very concerned right now.
- New Orleans – didn’t I say they could surprise a lot of people? Sure, I had Miami winning the AFC East and the Lions in the wild card, but let’s not focus on that. Also, they’re not as good as they’re playing right now.
- I have not forgotten you, Phillies. But the prospect of success for any Philadelphia sports team so terrifies me that I’m afraid to mention anything, lest I jinx said success. So that’s all I’ll say for now.
- The monthly email did not go out yesterday, is not going out today, but will go out this week.
- I woke up at 6am on Monday morning, because I was stressed about…sausages.
- I am taking a Xanax at 9pm tonight and plan to sleep for ten hours.
More later.
I’ll get more into this later, but StreetWars is a water gun assassination game. Basically, you sign up, get a target, and hunt him/her with a water pistol. After you make your "kill," you get another target. At the end of three weeks, whoever gets the most kills is winner. Also, all the while you’re hunting your target, someone is hunting you.
I saw a feature on CNN about this about a year ago and thought it looked cool, so signed up for a reminder when the games came to NYC. I got my reminder a few weeks and while getting bombed with my friends, mentioned it to them. Drunk, we thought it was a cool idea and signed up as a team.
It was only after signing up that we realized that, well, it might be a little lame. Brian and Jeremy had to go to Long Island City to pick up our "dossier" (our target, her picture, her home address, and her work address) and were treated to a very lame scene: the head guys dressed up like pimps drinking cognac in a back of a rented U-Haul, complete with a "harem" and fake bodyguard (I know – I also had to swallow deeply to hold back my pity vomit). This thing is run by people who I have very little doubt were very into theatre in high school and routinely got wedgies. And, upon Jeremy’s estimation after seeing other people present to pick up dossiers, a solid 75% of the people playing in the game are probably virgins, many of whom were in disguise so as not to be seen my their fellow assassins. Yeah. So there’s that.
But then the game started Sunday night at midnight (so Monday, I suppose) and I have to say – it’s pretty interesting. There’s quite an adrenaline rush when you know that someone is, essentially, stalking you. Also (and I have some experience with this) stalking others is pretty fucking awesome. My team and I have spent hours discussing our target and how we are planning to assassinate her. I’ve already spent three hours outside of her place in the past day, waiting for her to come home so that I can shoot her with a water pistol. Yes, I’m 27 years old. And yes, this may go from "water gun assassination game" to "sexual assault" very quickly. Only time will tell, I suppose.
But in the meantime, I’m expending a lot of time and energy on this – like I said, standing outside, on full alert, waiting to shoot someone and also making sure no one shoots you, can really take a lot out of a person. But fortunately for you, dear readers, I should be dead sometime within the next 48 hours. I am taking absolutely no special precautions against the person hunting me, believing that if I were to do so it would be the equivalent of letting the terrorists win (also, a simple google search will tell you much more than you need to know about me for this game – not to mention that this post will probably get back to the head guys who will take umbrage with me calling them out as theatre gays and will then "call down the thunder" on me). For the person hunting me, if you want a piece of me, come get it. If that’s going to help you feel as good as you did when you got that standing ovation in 11th grade after playing the finest Willy Loman in North Shore High history, then so be it. At least I’ve had sex in the past month. Or few months. Or ever. Semantics.
In the meantime, some random Tuesday thoughts which may or may not be discussed in greater detail later:
- I got bombed on Friday (standard Friday night).
- I got bombed on Saturday (wedding).
- I got bombed on Sunday (football game and Irish music).
- I got a little drunk last night, but that wore off because of all the standing and hunting and hoping the target is hot and is so turned on when I assassinate her that she invites me into her room, which is more or less a sex den, and then fellatio occurs for the next 4-5 days.
- My streak of being the best wedding date in the world continues, regardless of what my date to this past weekend’s wedding might tell you.
- San Gennaro is over, praise be to God.
- If Baltimore had covered on Sunday, I would have won $800, which I could really, really use right now. So thanks Baltimore. I appreciate that. (I didn’t lose $800, but had to pick 6 games and went 5-1.)
- Watching the Eagles is damn near excruciating. I understand the value of subbing in a blowout, but they play some shitty second half football. Where’s the defensive intensity? I still think they finish 9-7. Total paper champions.
- If I were a Giants fan, I’d be very, very concerned right now.
- New Orleans – didn’t I say they could surprise a lot of people? Sure, I had Miami winning the AFC East and the Lions in the wild card, but let’s not focus on that. Also, they’re not as good as they’re playing right now.
- I have not forgotten you, Phillies. But the prospect of success for any Philadelphia sports team so terrifies me that I’m afraid to mention anything, lest I jinx said success. So that’s all I’ll say for now.
- The monthly email did not go out yesterday, is not going out today, but will go out this week.
- I woke up at 6am on Monday morning, because I was stressed about…sausages.
- I am taking a Xanax at 9pm tonight and plan to sleep for ten hours.
More later.
