I am mired in a tremendous creative funk right now.  I hesitate to use the word "creative" because there’s not much creative about:

Me: "…and then this is when he shits himself."
Person with whom I am working on projects: "Yeah, yeah – I like the shitting, but I think we can do more with it."
Me: "For example?"
Person: "Like maybe he can shit himself while running?"
Me: "Oh – I like that.  But I don’t see him as a character who runs a lot.  Maybe he shits himself while sleeping.  What do you think?"
Person: "Now we’re getting somewhere.  Because it’s like, he shits the bed metaphorically and physically, you know?"
Me: "I didn’t even think of that but it’s fucking brilliant."
[Me and Person high five]
Me: "Shitting is funny."
Person: "Yeah."
[silence for four seconds]
Me: "I’m so lonely."
Person: "Don’t start on that again."

But it’s true – I’m stuck.  No posts are coming, the monthly email is stalled at 89% complete (no, it hasn’t gone out yet), my other stuff is suffering.  If I were a pitcher, announcers would be wondering why my curveball is suddenly hanging over the plate and why my body language screams "I think I may have knocked up the babysitter."  I mean, hey – it happens.  And the only thing you can really do is get drunk off cheap white wine and look at every picture of Elisha Cuthbert that Google Images has to offer while listening to Herb Alpert’s "This Guy’s In Love With You" forty times on repeat.  Most doctors would agree that this is the best way to get over writer’s block, but it hasn’t helped me yet.

In the meantime, I realize that you jerks (said as lovingly as possible) need to be entertained.  But again, I haven’t the faintest idea what to entertain you with, so it’s time we go back to one of my old stand-bys: sports.

[50% of readers collectively groan]

The baseball season is over, which means it’s time to recap my fantasy baseball teams’ performances and make predictions for the playoffs.  And yes, I will leave out the part about how as soon as I mentioned the Phillies they decided to suck some ass.  Nor will I mention that whole thing about how I said Ryan Howard would be a fantasy bust this year.  So let’s just move on.

But first, last night’s game.

The Iggles
Look, I’m happy that the Birds are 3-1.  Really, I am.  Sure, I’d be happier if they were 4-0, but let’s not go there.

And there are many positives to take away from last night’s game.  Donovan McNabb is the MVP of the league right now (even though he had the yips early on and was throwing at receivers’ feet again).  The defense did not allow a touchdown, including an impressive goal line stand at the end of the game.  The offense put up 31 points, even though it lost two fumbles inside the opponent’s 5.

But I have serious concerns about this team.

1) The secondary.  I don’t know what kind of game plan the secondary is operating under, but the "Let’s give everyone a five yard cushion" m.o. is probably not going to hold up for very long (like, for example, next week).  I know Lito and Rod Hood are out, but they have to tighten the fuck up and stop allowing these lazy 15 yard pass plays that look like I could both throw and catch them.  Because one of these days, good receivers are going to bury them (like, for example, next week).

2) The injuries.  Westbrook, Stallworth, Reggie Brown, Jevon Kearse, Lito Sheppard, and Rod Hood are all nursing injuries.  That’s the starting running back, the top two receivers, the All-Pro defensive end, the starting cornerback, and the nickel back.  Here’s to quick healing.  If TO can come back from a broken finger AND a suicide attempt and catch five balls for 88 yards, let’s hope the swelling in Westbrook’s knee goes down.

3) The terrible clock management.  Hey Andy, good call at the half there.  Let the clock go down to one second, fake a 50-something yard field goal, complete a 12 yard pass.  That made a lot of sense.  Much more than, say, calling a timeout with 12 seconds left, faking the field goal, then having enough time for either a shot at the end zone or a closer field goal.  A minor point in a 22 point win, but this team is prone to these types of clock management brain farts (See: Super Bowl XXXIX) and it’s going to catch up with them in the future at some point.

4) Both mine and my father’s main complaint about the Eagles over the past six years is that they have absolutely zero killer instinct.  From the QB on down, this has been a team of nice guys.  The best thing that TO brought to them was a nastiness, which was unfortunately negated by his own selfishness. 

This is a team that doesn’t know how to dominate.  One of the main rules of competition is that one should destroy his/her enemy completely.  If you allow your adversary even the slightest opening, they may capitalize, rise up, and destroy you.

All season long, the Eagles look like a one-half football team.  In each of their four games, they’ve played well in two, maybe three quarters, before getting lazy, being slow, even looking lost. 

Remember, the Texans, 49ers, and Packers are three of the worst seven teams in the NFL.  So while we Eagles fans should be happy with 3-1, let’s not buy too into our own hype.  This Dallas game will tell us what kind of team this is.  If the Eagles play against Dallas the way they’ve played against the Texans, Niners, Giants, and Packers, they will lose.  Handily.

Now let’s stop talking about this before I punch my fucking computer. 

Fantasy Sports
I begrudgingly did four fantasy baseball leagues this year.  Now, I usually do four – my Iron Sheik league, which I’m the commissioner of; my buddy Kyle’s league, which I win every year and is basically a free $500; a keeper league with my buddy John, who is so addicted to fantasy sports that he might require an intervention; and a random public league – but this year I wanted to drop the public league and just do three.  However at the last minute I picked up a team in a friend’s keeper league, as the previous owner backed out.  It was a mistake and I probably won’t do it again (what kind of keeper league doesn’t allow for trades of draft picks?), especially because it’s a strange points league, unlike rotisserie scoring (which I prefer) or head-to-head (which I tolerate).  I don’t feel bad about leaving however, since I’m leaving the next owner with four decent keepers (Mauer, Wright, Cabrera, and Tejada).  So it could be worse.

I won’t go into too much detail, as it would even bore me and I can talk about this stuff all day long, but I finished all across the board: 8th in my main league (finished 2nd last year), 1st in my buddy Kyle’s league (third year in a row I’ve won), 2nd in the keeper league with my buddy John (finished 1st last year), and 9th in the keeper league that I joined at the last minute.  Aside from the embarrassing 8th place finish in my main league – thank you Jake Peavy, Felix "Not Really the King" Hernandez, and Vlad "When Will People Realize I’m Not Worth the Third Overall Pick?" Guerrero - not too shabby and good for a couple of hondos, which Uncle Jason really needs right now. 

Instead of reviewing my fantasy preview from before the season or getting too into too many of my teams, I instead will rank the top 25 players for next year.  Because, as I mentioned, I got nothing for you right now.

1) Albert Pujols 1B
2) Alfonso Soriano OF
3) Ryan Howard 1B
4) Jose Reyes SS
5) Johan Santana SP
6) Alex Rodriguez 3B
7) David Ortiz 1B
8) Vlad Guerrero OF
9) Francisco Liriano SP
10) Miguel Cabrera 3B
11) Travis Hafner DH
12) David Wright 3B
13) Carlos Beltran OF
14) Lance Berkman 1B/OF
15) Chase Utley 2B
16) Grady Sizemore OF
17) Justin Morneau 1B
18) Manny Ramirez OF
19) Bobby Abreu OF
20) Chris Carpenter SP
21) Brandon Webb SP
22) Carlos Zambrano SP
23) Roy Oswalt SP
24) Derek Jeter SS
25) Derek Lee 1B

[And I want to clear up the Ryan Howard thing: I thought Ryan Howard would be a bust based on where he was being drafted, which was about the 4th round.  Knowing that he hit .148 against lefties the previous season, I rationalized that one could take a guy like Jim Thome several rounds later and get similar numbers.  Of course, Howard went on to have an MVP-like season, but I never thought he'd be bad.  I just thought he was going too high.  And I was wrong.  But I got Jim Thome and Jason Giambi in rounds 11 and 12 respectively in two of my drafts and turned my 8th round pick Todd Helton into a package for Manny Ramirez (after getting Lance Berkman in a trade) so it all worked out for me.]

Playoff Predictions
I can not accurately express how much I love the fall, even though I have tried several times here.  The oppressive heat and humidity of a summer in Chilita is giving way to cool breezes and longer nights; the NFL is in full swing, soon to be joined by the NBA and the NHL; and of course, there are the baseball playoffs. 

Just to let you all know up front, I plan on doing something a little different this year and picking the playoffs perfectly.  In years past, I’d throw in one or two incorrect predictions just to throw you all off the scent, but this year that is not the case.  Every series, perfect.  Mark it down.

(I know it’s a little cocky, but this past week I guaranteed a victory for one of my fantasy football teams, which was previously 0-3, and they responded with a 125 point performance that dwarfed the other team’s 80 points.  So I’m on a roll.)

NATIONAL LEAGUE
What a fucking mess.  Good god.  I don’t even feel like writing this preview.  The Mets, sans Pedro, are not exactly fear-inducing after going 14-15 in September; I could hit fifth for the Padres and have been asked to do so but have too much on my plate right now; St. Louis had an almost historic collapse (and I could start an NLDS game, probably Game 3, for them) and the Dodgers, well, Larry likes the Dodgers a lil’ bit.

NLDS
St. Louis vs. San Diego
I don’t even want to talk about this series.  Calling Jake Peavy and Chris Young a "one-two punch" is like calling the Titan’s Travis Henry, Chris Brown and Lendale White a "three-headed monster."  But fortunately, the only offensive player for the Cardinals who could start for a middle of the road AL team, aside from The Non-MVP Albert Pujols, is Scott Rolen – and that really depends on the team.  After falling into the playoffs, there’s no way I can pick them, even though I think Peavy gets lit again in Game 1.

Pick: Padres in four

Los Angeles vs. New York
LA has a big pitching advantage; I’ll take Lowe, Penny, and Maddux over El Duque, Glavine, and Trachsel any day of the week in a five game series.  While New York has those big boppers in the lineup – Reyes, Wright, Beltran, and Delgado are downright terrifying.  But is it inconceivable that guys like Nomar, Furcal, JD Drew, and Jeff Kent can’t pull it together for a bit and do some damage (I can’t believe I am writing this sentence)?  I’m an admitted stathead and the fact that LA has one guy with over 100 runs (Furcal – 113) and one guy with 100 RBIs (Drew – 100) and their team lead for home runs is 20 (Drew and Nomar) is not something that you’d want to dwell on as a Dodger fan, but I think LA has some moxie and the momentum.  Also, Met fans are rivaling Sox fans with their bragging and it’s really annoying the fuck out of me. 

Pick: Dodgers in five

NLCS
Los Angeles vs. San Diego
In a way, I hope I’m incorrect about this, since if this is the NLCS I won’t watch a single game (instead, I’ll be masturbating over a picture of Ryan Howard and crying).  But hey, someone from the NL has got to get swept in the World Series.  My pick?  The Dodgers of Los Angeles.  

I know that the Padres went something like 13-5 against the Dodgers in the regular season, but I’m telling you, I have a feeling about this LA team.  Aside from a 40-homer threat, they have no discernible weakness.  Offensively, they have woken up in September and have been hitting the hell out of the ball.  They have three very good starters and depth in the bullpen.  Their defense might be a little suspect at times, but I’m willing to let that slide because I’m feeling them.

The Padres, they, how do you say – don’t do anything for me.  It’s possible that Peavy, who’s been very good as of late, turns into a force, and Chris Young (freakish physical stat: he’s 6’10") and David Wells (freakish physical stat: he’s 340 pounds) pitch well enough for guys like Adrian Gonzalez and Brian Giles (yikes!) to get it going, but I don’t see it happening.  And you can’t enjoy a great bullpen without any lead for it to protect.  So I’m going with the Dodgers.

Pick: Dodgers in six

AMERICAN LEAGUE
Now this is more like it.  Teams loaded with talent on both sides of the ball doing battle.  While I might watch 25% of the NL playoffs, I’m going to try to catch all of the AL games (and I’m an NL guy).

ALDS
Oakland vs. Minnesota
So, let me get this straight: the A’s are going to have a 16 game winner coming out of the bullpen and have a major secret weapon in Rich Harden, while the Twins have the hands-down best pitcher in baseball and all the spunk you could ask for.  This is going to be a good one.  

This is, in my estimation, the formula for succession in the playoffs: LOSPBPTOMM.  Obviously, that stands for Lights Out Starting Pitcher, Bullpen Depth, Tough Outs, and Momentum/Moxie.  

The Twins, I think, have all of the above.  Johan Santana is by far the best pitcher in the playoffs, the one guy capable of shutting down a team.  After him, the dynamite Minnesota bullpen (Rincon, Craine, Reyes, Nathan) can protect any lead after the 6th.  The foursome of Mauer, Morneau, Hunter, and Cuddyer (who’s had the quietest 102-24-109 season in recent memory) are all dangerous hitters.  And of course, the momentum.  The Twins finished the season 71-33.  That’s fucking momentum.

How to beat the A’s: Don’t let Frank Thomas do anything.  That is all.

Pick: Twins in four

Detroit vs. New York
Do I really need to explain this one?  Detroit was in first place from the middle of May until the last day of the season, limping into the playoffs.  The starters are completely burnt out, their bats swing at everything, and their closer has a fu manchu.  The Yankees have All Stars at every position and the greatest playoff closer - possibly pitcher – of all time. 

Pick: Yanks in three 

ALCS
Minnesota vs. New York
Remember all that good stuff I said about Minnesota before?  Well, it doesn’t matter here.  I don’t mean to shy away from critical analysis (although this post has gotten much longer than I anticipated and I’m nursing a small hangover from last night and the playoffs start in less than ten minutes), but I can’t see the Yankees losing under any circumstances.  Maybe this is the kiss of death, but that lineup…it just hurts my heart to see it.  It just hurts my heart.

Pick: Yanks in five

WORLD SERIES
Los Angeles vs. New York
I like the whole "East Coast-West Coast" dynamic, but this is going to be a bloodletting.  Again, no way the Yanks can lose.

Pick: Yanks in four 

*************

Even though we now know the outcome, the playoffs are going to be a fun ride.  I’m personally rooting for a Mets-Yanks Series, just so I can be in a city that wins a championship for once in my life, but of course, that’s not going to happen.  In the meantime, sit back, relax, and let’s enjoy some fall baseball.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year.  Aside from whenever I make out.  Those are generally good times of the year.  Generally.