I am completely stumped about what to do for a Halloween costume this year.  I typically don’t get very into Halloween, but I’ve come up with some pretty decent last minute costumes over the years:

- In 2004, I put on a leisure suit (which a friend bought for me at a garage sale in 1996 for 50¢) and shaved my beard, leaving the moustache.  I was my dad in 1977.

- In 2003, Brian and I (and our old roommate Ben) got all dolled up and went out as Siegfried, Roy, and Montecore the Tiger, thanks in large part to my friend Annie, who pretty much pulled the whole costume together for us while we drank her beer and yelled.

- In 2001, four of my college roommates and I put on the same type outfit (khaki pants, blue shirts) and went out as the Backstreet Boys (I shaved my beard like a Rican to match the dude on the right).

- In 2000, I shaved the beard and left the moustache again, and put on some Chicago Bears paraphernalia that my roommate had hanging on his walls (including a jersey from when he was 12).  I was one of the guys who says, "Da Bears!" 

- In 1999, clean shaven, I put on a suit with an open, butterfly-collared lime green shirt, wore my glasses, and took out one of my shitty guitars.  I was the guy from the Barenaked Ladies.

Not great, but certainly not shitty, either.  But you’ll notice one obstacle in most all of the costumes: my fucking beard.

I found some gray hairs in my beard a few weeks ago and was planning to shave it, but then realized that I should not wilt to vanity.  Also, a girl emailed me imploring me not to shave the beard, saying she’s had a thing for guys with beards since she was 15, which kinda creeped me out but also inspired me.

(Quick horrible beard story: in college, I was courting a girl for a while before she finally relented and let me make out with her.  So we’re in my room making out, just getting into it, when she stops, pulls away, and says, "I’m sorry, but your beard reminds me of something very bad that happened to me."  Wow.  Talk about your all time buzzkill.  She might as well have just said, "You taste like my uncle."  You might not be surprised to learn that that was the last time we made out.)

So now I’ve gone the other way with my beard and it’s probably the longest and thickest it’s ever been.  And I kinda dig it.  Sure, two weekends ago I had to listen to one female friend tell me it looked like "a beard of pubes" all night, and then the next afternoon another female friend actually said "Eww" while looking at me, but to hell with them.  I do not use or need my beard to get chicks.  As long as I have a high credit limit and the ability to dial a phone and/or use Craigslist, I’ll be fine in the ladies department.  Just fine. 

But come Halloween, the beard is limiting.  There are only so many costumes one can rock with a beard.  The old standard is Jesus, and though I’m certainly not the best Catholic in the world, I’m still not comfortable dressing like Jesus and doing what I do on most weekend nights (I don’t know how female bar bathrooms that Jesus "accidentally" walked into in His lifetime, but I’m sure I have Him beat). 

Aside from that, there are lame costumes for guys with beards, like a pirate or a monster or a guy in a toga or some shit.  And those costumes are shitty, except if you put a spin on them.  For example, being a pirate sucks, but being a racist pirate, well, that’s fucking hilarious.  However, the humor of the racist pirate may be lost on some fellow partygoers, who, for whatever reason, might take offense to that.  So maybe you could be a pirate with cancer or a pirate whose parents died in Hurricane Katrina.

(Ok, now we’re just getting stupid.)

(Well, more stupid than normal.)

My old roommate Brian and I have been planning on doing a joint costume for some time, but it would require a beard shave, so I’m backing off it.  I don’t feel too bad about this, since by "have been planning" I mean that we talked about six months ago, did nothing, talked about it again two days ago, and did more nothing.  So it’s not like Brian’s been slaving away on the costume or anything.

And I still hold out hope that one day I will be able to pull off my dream costume: Roxette.  The problem with that is that I’d need a girl to play the Girl Roxette.  That doesn’t sound like that big a deal – couldn’t I just get a female friend to do the costume with me? – but the thing is that I get really aroused on Halloween, what with all the dressing up going on and all, and I’d probably get very nasty and/or inappropriate with my co-Roxette.  So until I get married, no Roxette.  

Which is fine for me right now, because I don’t want to get rid of the beard.  So…this whole post is a roundabout way of seeking help from you all.  What can I be that is easy and allows me to keep my beard?  I have two ideas that I don’t want to share now (I’d like to keep them a secret in case I have to use them), but I’m not too proud to seek out ideas from y’all.  If you have a suggestion, please email me with "halloween costume" or something in the title.  I’m interested to see what you jagoffs have to suggest.

In the meantime, I’m going to sit back and play with my pube-beard.  I think it’s more like steel wool, but that’s probably because my pubes are as soft as a down comforter.  Well, a down comforter covered in saran wrap.  That’s about right.