Because Bill Simmons is a hero of mine, because the game is on national TV and so my friends and I aren’t going to Red Sky to watch it, and because I’ve never done it before, below is a running diary of the Redskins-Eagles game.  I have no idea if I’ll post this or even complete it, but I’m sitting alone in my living room and feeling a little lonely.  This should keep me occupied.

Dick Stockton, Moose, and Tony Siragusa on the field will be our announcers.  Let’s get into it. 

1:04pm:  And we’re off – the 3-5 Redskins vs. the 4-4 Eagles.  Simply put, the season is over for the loser of this game.  60 degrees, thunderstorms, and wind should make for a hostile environment.  Dick Stockton has just pointed out that Mark Brunell is 4-0 against the Eagles.  Funny, I still like our odds against Mark Brunell.

1:05pm:  That was nice: Antwaan Randle-El just looked like Barry Sanders, with the Birds missing three tackles on third down.  Way to go boys.  Glad to see we’re improving right away from the problems from our last game. 

1:07pm:  Nice stop of a third down screen pass, forcing a punt.  It seems in the few plays I’ve seen that the front seven are breaking the Skins line, but it’s early.  Very, very early. 

1:09pm:  Pretty cool Heisman commercial for Nissan, with animals chasing the truck with the Heisman Trophy in it.  It took me about two full minutes to realize those animals were college mascots.  Did I mention I took Xanax last night?

1:11pm:  McNabb just threw a pass directly at Redskin Marcus Washington, which he dropped.  First heart palpitation of the day.

1:11pm:  McNabb runs for the first and a gain of ten.  No idea why he doesn’t do this more.

1:12pm:  Westbrook runs for a gain of seven.  Very niiiice.  How about a shot downfield on this first down to keep the D honest.

1:13pm:  Wow – I think they were listening, as a flea-flicker goes downfield, but into triple coverage and incomplete.

1:14pm:  Beauty of a play action pass to Westbrook which he takes to the house, brought back because he just stepped out of bounds around the 30.  Mother fucker.  The Birds are moving the ball well and the announcing team is correct – the Skins aren’t swarming to the ball and look lackadaisical.   

1:16pm:  I’ve seen two Jessica Simpson Direct TV commercials and I want to kill myself.  Watching her mouth in those commercials makes me want to do one thing: punch it.  Yeah, she’s hot, and of course, I’d fuck her, but…well, there is no “but.” 

1:18pm:  3^rd and 1 on the Redskins 22 and the Birds can’t get the first.  It’s horribly frustrating that the Eagles o-line averages 330 pounds and I have no faith in any situation that I shorter than 3^rd and 3.

1:18pm:  Akers drops a 37-yarder, Eagles up 3-0.  Good for my fantasy team and my real time, which is nice. 

1:20pm:  After the first score, I start thinking about food options.  Two things I can’t get off my mind: nachos and fried calamari.  I would go with wings but with the beard as scraggly as it is, I’ll be picking caked on sauce out of my beard until Wednesday.  Hmm…

1:23pm:  These KFC famous bowls, which are layered mashed potatoes, fried chicken, gravy, and cheese…I mean, who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?  And more importantly, how much do they weigh?  Nothing says “I’ve given up” quite like “Can I please have two of the famous bowls to go?”

1:24pm:  Just learned that that is a possibly that the game might be delayed because of “thunder.”  Yeah, you have to watch out of that thunder, with all that noise and such.

1:26pm:  The Skins come out for two runs and get a first, then Darwin Walker is tagged for a 15 yard facemask.  The Skins are into Eagles territory.  Yes, Mark Brunell in Eagles territory.  Steel yourselves.

1:28pm:  Birds bite on the fake sweep, Brunell bootlegs and passes to Cooley for a wide open first down.  Skins inside the 30.

1:30pm:  3^rd and 18 from the 37 for the Skins.  22% chance the Eagles fuck this up.

1:30pm:  Michael Lewis comes untouched on a blitz, Brunell throws it away.  Punt team comes on.  Nice stop of the drive there for the Eagles, sloppy early on but tightening up.  To celebrate, I’m going to have my first beer of the day. 

1:32pm:  Mmm..Sundays are made for cans of PBR.  In a related story, I’m not wearing pants right now.  And I’m leaning toward calamari.  I should probably mention now that I didn’t go to Boston this weekend, but we’ll get into that later.

1:34pm:  OH BABY!  McNabb hooks up with Stallworth for an 84 yard touchdown!  I am standing, cheering, and I have a half-erection!  10-0 Eagles!

1:35pm:  That’s what I like about this team – their big play capability.  BUT you can not live and die by big play capability, just as you can’t live and die by the 3 in the NBA.  At some point, you have to be a bruiser.  And yes, I know we’re up 10-0.  I’ll stop now.

1:36pm:  Third Jessica Simpson commercial.  How can a girl from Texas do such a bad Southern accent?  It’s like a black person with a little dick and a college degree.  

1:38pm:  Just showed troops in Iraq, Eagles fans, celebrating.  God I love Eagles fans.

1:40pm:  As the Packers go up on the Vikings, it’s time to review my picks for the week: Chiefs +1, FALCONS +8, Ravens +7, Saints -4, VIKINGS +5.5, and Cowboys +7.  If the Vikings had won by 6 last week, I would have won $1600 (went 5-1, needed to go 6-0), a big reason I got bombed by myself last Sunday.  This week, not looking so good early on.       

1:42pm:  Wow – once again, the Skins convert on a third down and are into Eagles territory.  This team is so inconsistent with tenacity it hurts my heart.  Or maybe that’s just the booze.  

1:43pm:  End of the first, 10-0 Eagles, Skins driving. 

1:46pm:  Uh-oh, Clinton Portis was just taken into the locker room with a hand injury.  Not a problem for the Skins, since Ladell Betts seems like he’s doing just fine.

1:47pm:  Inconsistent – great stop by the Birds on a 3^rd and 3.  Now 4^th and 4 at the 35.  Skins going for it.  71% chance Skins make it.

1:47pm:  First down Skins, passed to Betts in flat for 6.  Didn’t see that one coming.

1:48pm:  Randle-El almost gets tackled in the backfield, then throws the ball to Cooley in the end zone, which is broken up at the last minute by Brian Dawkins, who’s down as we go into commercial.  Let me take a moment to pray for his health.  Gorgeous play and the reason why he’s probably my favorite Eagle.  

1:51pm:  Dawkins back in.  Whew.  Portis’ return is questionable.  Whew.  Dick Stockton has just told us that the Skins have already rushed for 71 yards.  Yikes. 

1:52pm:  Skins go for 48 yard field goal on 4^th and 10.  No good.  Nice to see Novak’s right back to his old sucky self after last week.

1:55pm:  With the ball back, Westbrook makes a bruising run for 11 yards.  Prior to this year, I was down on Westbrook, precisely because he isn’t your typical north-south runner.  And while I still, like I said, don’t trust him in a 3^rd and 3 situation, it seems like he’s made a number of north-south runs this year, which I like.   

1:57pm:  TOUCHDOWN EAGLES!  McNabb hits Reggie Brown for a first down, who gets hit and flips it to Corerll Buckhalter, who takes it in for a 55 yard touchdown.  My only question: is that a pass, i.e. does McNabb get credit for that?  I have a big fantasy matchup this week.  Either way, you’ll be seeing that on ESPN quite a lot over the next 48 hours.   

2:01pm:  It’s at this point that I might start thinking about gloating, but I only have two friends who are Skins fan.  One is my buddy G-Wop, who moved to Egypt three days ago.  The second is my agent Joel, who basically controls my career.  So it doesn’t look like I’ll be sending any “good game so far” text messages today.

2:03pm:  Cincy up 21-0 on the Chargers.  Great news for my survivor pool (my pick this week: Carolina).  Cleveland up 14-0 on Atlanta, also good.  I’m one of 19 or so left out of 80 and the pot is a cool $1600.  And Uncle Jason needs some new shoes.

2:04pm:  Redskins have to punt after a snoozer of a drive.  Thinking a lot more about the calamari, but realized I only have $7 in my wallet.  Since the calamari place doesn’t take credit cards (I think), I might have to wait until after the game, which is about as devastating as it gets.   

2:07pm:  Westbrook runs for 12 yards, Sean Taylor hits him four yards out of bounds.  What a fucking criminal.  Have I mentioned that I hate DC?  I really do.  I hate that city.  Sorry, DC peeps.   

2:08pm:  Portis out with a broken right hand.  Normally I would be on my fantasy site before even typing this, but Betts is one of the most owned backups in the game.  Speaking of fantasy, McNabb is listed as having one TD, so the hook and ladder doesn’t count.  Fuck. 

2:09pm:  Eagles go three and out, looking lazy.  This is what I don’t like – there’s a lot of time left, the Skins have been moving the ball well, and the Eagles come out for this drive looking flat.  They have to continue to ram the ball down their opponents’ throats, and they simply don’t do that.

2:11pm:  Lot of hype this week about the Saints.  I’m starting to think Pittsburgh wins that game outright.  Not liking my pics for this week right now (Miami up 13-0 on KC).

2:13pm:  Brunell connects to Brandon Lloyd for 43 yards, their biggest play of the game.  Ball on the 18.  Not concerned.

2:14pm:  Fourth time in the first half the Skins have been in the Eagles territory.  Maybe a little concerned about that.  By the way, beer #2 is more delicious than beer #1. 

2:17pm:  On 3^rd and 6 from the 18, Mark Brunell throws a pass into three Eagles, his first “What the fuck?” moment of the game.  I can’t wait for the next one.   Novak comes on for the field goal. 

2:17pm:  The 32 yarder is good – 17-3 Eagles.  Yawn. 

2:22pm:  My dad and I usually talk over halftime about the game, but he just called me early, with about four minutes left in the half.  He, like I, feels good about the game, but we are both concerned about them playing soft.  They haven’t played a whole game all season and tend to get lazy.  After giving up a field goal, they just went three and out after getting great field position thanks to a nice runback and 15 yard facemask.  Not enjoying this right now…

2:26pm:  3^rd and 22 for the Skins from the Eagles 12.  Chance of success: 4%.

2:26pm:  Betts run goes nowhere and the Skins are forced to punt.  After the punt, the Birds get the ball on the Skins 45 with 2:31 left and one timeout.  I like our chances for some points before the end of the half. 

2:30pm:  McNabb is 3-11 for 121 yards.  And we’re up 17-3.  And the Skins have 81 yards rushing in the half, most without Clinton Portis.  What the fuck?

2:31pm:  The crowd boos as the Skins blitz, McNabb gets hit and throws the ball away.  The Eagles hold the ball for 20 seconds and go three and out.  That was pretty fucking disgusting.  Take away an 84 yard pass and a 55 yard freak play and this game is 3-3.  I’m starting to feel a little ill.   

2:36pm:  After a great tackle in the open field by an Eagle (couldn’t see who) that would have brought up fourth down, Darwin Walker gets called for another face mask that is OBVIOUSLY a five yarder but is called a fifteen yard personal foul.  This is great.  Redskins now on the Philly 40.  Thank god we’re talking about Mark Brunell here. 

2:41pm:  Skins can’t convert on a 4^th and 6 and the Eagles take over at their 40 with 48 seconds left.  The way the Eagles have been moving the ball, the Skins definitely should have punted.  My guess: we walk away with a field goal.  But McNabb is not exactly known for his clock management skills.  

2:42pm:  Reggie Brown picks up a first and the Eagles spike it in Skins territory.  Alright baby – let’s move here.

2:44pm:  After the spike, incomplete, incomplete, punt.  Good job, boys.  Way to go into the half with momentum (three consecutive three and outs from midfield or Skins territory).  Getting disgusted.  Big time.  Also, I’ve put on pants.  It’s getting cold in here. 

2:45pm:  Skins take a knee and we go into the half.  Time for a break. 

2:59pm:  Second half under way and we’re into the third beer.  The Eagles get the ball and I’m hoping Andy gave them a tongue lashing for their sluggishness.  Also, it’s now pouring in Philly.  We’ll see how that affects the game.

3:00pm:  Reno Mahe with another great runback, ball on Skins 49.  One thing that’s unique about this game is that there have been no turnovers.  Perhaps the rain might cause of fumbles or picks.  And I think I’m getting a little drunk.  That Xanax is still in my system, I think. 

3:03pm:  On 3^rd and 4, McNabb goes to the endzone for Brown and there was NO WAY that wasn’t pass interference, with a Skins defender punching over Reggie Brown’s shoulder a full second before the ball arrives.  The call is incomplete.  Nice pickup, refs.

3:05pm:  God, how fucking good is Wendy’s?  They are definitely my favorite fast food burger, with Burger King in a distant second, and McDonald’s in a very, very distant third.  However, when drunk and looking to hang out with poor people, nothing beats White Castle.  Can you tell that I’m hungry?

3:06pm:  Coming back from commercial, Eagles go for it on 4^th and 4 and get six in a pass to Stallworth.  That’s very unlike the Eagles.  Ball on Skins 18.

3:07pm:  On the run, McNabb dumps it to Westbrook near the sidelines on the two, which is either complete, incomplete, or a fumble.  Hard to tell.

3:08pm:  The play is called a complete pass and Gibbs challenges.  If anything, it looks like a completed pass and a fumble to me.  I certainly hope the refs don’t agree.  We go to commercial while the refs review.

3:13pm:  After an eternity, Westbrook is called down by contact before the balls comes out.  Play stands and Skins charged with a timeout.  I still think it looks like a fumble, but that’s why I’m drinking on my couch and not reffing this game.  1^st and Goal at the 2 for the Eagles. 

3:15pm:  After Westbrook is stuffed and McNabb can’t get it to Schoebel, 3^rd and Goal.  Not liking this…

3:16pm:  Buckhalter loses a yard, 4^th and Goal from the 3.  Again, good job Eagles.  They should have gone pass-pass-pass, as they don’t have the personnel and the field is too wet to run on.

3:17pm:  Akers hits 21 yard field goal, 20-3 Eagles.  Officially a three score game now.  Drinking beer very fast and feeling a little sexually aggressive.

3:21pm:  After a weird and delayed illegal formation call, Akers has to re-kick, now a 26 yard field goal…

3:21pm:  …and the Eagles call a timeout before the kick gets off.  For whatever fucking reason.  I think Andy just likes to use one timeout a game just for kicks.  Love that clock management, Andy.  Keep it up.   

3:23pm:  Akers hits the FG, 20-3 Eagles with 9:13 left in the third.  This game is getting interminably boring.  If I had DirecTV, I’d be flipping to other games now (at least when the Skins have the ball). 

3:27pm:  There’s a Mike Sellers in the NFL?  I thought there was only Larry Sellers.  And of course, there’s always Arthur Digby Sellers, which will be the name of my dog if I ever get one.

3:28pm:  After Mike Sellers picks up the first, Cooley picks up a 19 yard reception and the Skins are once again in Eagle territory.

3:28pm:  Santana Moss makes his second catch of the game, a slant for 8.  He now has 11 yards receiving, so he’s really helping my fantasy team this week.  I’ll just wait for the week he has 200 yards and 4 TD’s.   

3:30pm:  OH BOY!  Sheldon Brown takes a interception for 70 yards for a touchdown!  I knew that there’d have to be some turnovers!  After the extra point, 27-3 Eagles with 6:10 left in the third.  Time to open beer #4 and possibly text message agent Joel.  Possibly.

3:32pm:  But now here’s the problem: with such a big lead, the Eagles are going to play JV ball for the rest of the game, save for a drive or two.  So while I’m happy that they have such a big lead, I’m about to be treated to a real snooze-fest and a lot of three and outs coming up.

3:35pm:  In other news, Chad Johnson has 9 catches for over 220 yards and at least two touchdowns.  Wow.  Hope I’m not playing against him this week (in fantasy, not in real life).

3:37pm:  Skins don’t convert on a pretty important 3^rd and 8 on their own 42 with 4:04 left in the third.  The punt rolls to inside the Eagles five. 

3:38pm:  I really don’t care about McNabb’s line of clothing, “Super Five,” thank you very much.  Still, it was a fairly non-obvious plug.  And yes, I’m feeling pretty good and there is a greater than 30% chance that I will go out boozing after this.  Hopefully not alone, like last Sunday. 

3:42pm:  After getting the ball at the 3, the Eagles are now at the Skins 45 and moving the ball well after an 18 yard grab by Stallworth.  He and McNabb seem to be very in sync.  The third quarter ends with the Birds up 27-3. 

3:45pm:  SD, Atlanta, Jacksonville, New England, and KC are all creeping back…no good for the Survivor pool.   

3:48pm:  On 3^rd and 6 near midfield, the Eagles had the ball to Westbrook for a lame 4 yard gain.  They’ll punt.  I’m pretty much daydreaming now and focusing on getting drunk – and there’s still 13 minutes left in the fourth quarter. 

3:51pm:  The SD-Cincy game is now 42-38 Chargers.  I don’t know what the over/under on that game was, but I’m guessing it wasn’t 80.  LT has four TD’s today, 18 on the season.  Again, I hope I’m not playing him.  And I told you to take him if you had the first overall pick in your draft.

3:53pm:  Dick and Moose are saying that Dhani Jones is “celebral” and “cut from another mold.”  I think this means “gay.”  They just played his voicemail message and it’s so awkward and weird I’m not even able to make a joke about it.  Dhani, maybe you should focus less on your weirdness and other activities and stop being a sucky linebacker?

(Actually, he hasn’t had too bad of a year.) 

3:55pm:  By the way, 4^th and 14 and the Skins are punting.  Nine minutes left.  It’s going to be a long nine minutes.   

3:56pm:  I gotta say, I like the Bud Light commercial with the rubber floors.  However, I don’t know any attractive women who drink Bud Light, so that kinda irks me.  I know more attractive women who drink PBR than I do Bud Light. 

(OK, so I don’t know any attractive women.  Don’t be a dick.)

3:57pm:  Dick and Moose are calling Tony Siragusa their staff meteorologist and Tony’s acting so offended that I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what “meteorologist” means.  Now he’s bitching about how cold and wet he is, and doing it with a serious chip on his shoulder.  Just hang in there Tony – you’ll be eating some cheesesteaks in no time.

3:59pm:  Cheesesteaks!  That’s what I should get for dinner!  I am more than a little excited about this. 

4:02pm:  (And yes, that’s really all I have to say as the Eagles are marching down the field through a series of runs.  Nothing much going on in the actual game.)

4:02pm:  The Jets have beaten the Pats.  Two people are gone from my survivor pool.

4:03pm:  Westbrook makes a nice 22 yard run to the Skins 31, making sure to stay in bounds for the second consecutive play.  I’m developing a crush on him.

4:05pm:  McNabb makes a nice shuttle pass to Westbrook to move the ball inside the Skins’ 20.  Two minute warning.  At least the lame duck time is moving quickly. 

4:08pm:  Dick has informed us that LT has15 touchdowns in his last five games.  Wow. 

4:09pm:  The game will end inside the Redskin’s 16, with the Eagles kneeling on the ball.  Eagles win, 27-3 and go to 5-4.  The Skins fall to 3-6.  Thank you for sticking around and I promise I’ll never do this again.

(But hey – 3500+ words on a Sunday ain’t that bad.)

Now, tonight, I will be the #1 Bears fan in the country.