It’s the holiday season, which means it’s time for one of my least favorite holiday traditions: the Lexus "December to Remember" commercials.

If you’ve watched even one hour of television between Thanksgiving and Christmas over the past four years, odds are you have seen one of these commercials.  The premise is simple: either a husband or a wife wakes up on Christmas morning to see a brand new Lexus, fitted with a big red bow, parked in their driveway.  Then the husband or wife, who is gorgeous, will smile, hug, and then presumably make love to his/her spouse, who is also gorgeous.  Everything is happy on this Christmas day, thanks to Lexus.  Gorgeous, rich people.  Happy holidays.

I don’t know if it’s because I spent a portion of my childhood beating up my little brother so that he’d be the one going to the store and using the food stamps instead of me, but these commercials make me want to punch these rich fucks right in their smug faces.  I mean, who gets a brand new Lexus for Christmas?  A new Lexus?  Really?  Couldn’t find anything you liked at Zales, mother fucker?  The nicest gift I’ve ever gotten was an iPod, which I bought for myself on credit – and I’m pretty fucking rich now.  But a Lexus?  Are we fucking serious? 

Are these commercials aimed at the .0003% of the American population that can afford to give a $70,000 gift on the holidays (or $30,000, if you stoop to pre-owned)?  It’s not like I watch Masterpiece Theater here, folks – I mostly stick to reruns of Seinfeld and King of Queens and sporting events.  And I have seen these commercials hundreds of times over the years.  And each time they fill me with such rage that the joy of my holiday season is threatened.

I should probably stop now, lest I pick up my keyboard and start smashing it against the wall.  But am I alone on this?  Is it because I have a deep-seated resentment for the wealthy, having grown up poor?  Or is it because I’m self-loathing, because I am now rich and smug?  Or maybe it’s because I’m jealous, because instead of getting/giving a Lexus and fucking my hot wife this Christmas, I’m going to watch my dad eat a cigarette to entertain my little cousins and then drink so much that I pass out in the bathroom?

(Author’s Note: I’m actually not rich at all.  But because I accidentally leave lights on in my mom’s house and threw out a half gallon of milk that was eight dates passed its expiration date in my dad’s fridge, my parents think I am.  Also, I’m keep writing "I’m rich" to impress any women readers.  It gets lonely around the holidays.)

I don’t know – if it’s me, I’ll stop complaining about it and try to work my way through it.  But I get really upset by these commercials.  And I can only hope others out there do as well, if only to convince me that I’m not crazy.

(That being said, if any of you would like to buy me a Lexus for Christmas, I promise I will cherish it forever.  Then we can make love in the living room.  Happy holidays.)