thanks, my twin
24 January 2007
A very big and heartfelt thank you for all the emails I’ve received from you all since Monday’s post. I really appreciate your support and thank you for all the kind words and ego-boosting you’ve given me as I’ve spent the past few days drugged up in the shower and eating cupcakes (sometimes – most times – both at the same time). Admittedly, you’ve been a little light in the booby pictures department in this whole "cheer up" process, but I guess I can’t have it all, can I?
(And yes, I realize by writing that I’m not getting booby pictures I’m going to be deluged with pictures of scrotums. But I am undaunted. If I get even one good booby picture which I can store on my computer for years and years to use as blackmail at the proper time, I’m willing to sift through dozens, if not millions, of pictures of testes. Because that’s the kind of man I am.)
Since I won’t be able to respond to all your emails (you know, because I’m an asshole), I figured I’d answer some of the frequent questions that have been asked:
- No, you can’t read the script. Not that I don’t want you to read it, but because the network owns the idea. For me to post it on here would be a violation of copyright or some shit. And I have enough law suits going on at the moment.
- No, I can’t film it myself/you can’t film it with me. See above explanation.
- No, I can’t sell it to another network. At least, I don’t think I can. If some other network really wants it, they can contact the network that currently owns it and buy it off them, but that happens for people like Larry David, David Kohan and Max Mutchnick, and Steve Levitan, not Jason Mulgrew.
- In response to "Do you know what you’re talking about?": Kinda. More than you, at least. Jerk.
- Yes, I really do plan on writing a book about the experience. But let’s get the first book out, ok?
- No, there’s no need to protest or rise up with fists or whatnot. Like I said, everyone I dealt with was very cool and no one fucked me over or anything like that. I knew what the odds were going in, and knew that I had less than a 10% chance of getting the pilot shot (it actually turned out that I had something like a 4% chance). That’s just the way it goes.
And not to beat a dead horse here, but I feel ok about the whole thing. Other opportunities will surely arise. And I still have you all. I mean, how can you not feel ok when you get emails like this one, from Grant in Vancouver, BC:
Jason,
Long time reader, first time emailer. Tough luck re your TV show. I would say I’m sorry to hear it but deep down I’m not. It’s not that I don’t enjoy your blog, which I very much do, but I just hate to see people in my demographic create successful lives out of nothing but their own talent and fortitude. I prefer people in similar stages of their lives as me to be the same, or better yet less successful than me. It just makes me look and feel better about myself.
Cheers,
Grant
p.s. You’re an alcoholic.
p.p.s. You posted a picture of your feet a while back. The caption read ‘my best quality’ or something like that. That picture continues to haunt me. As a 100% heterosexual male I can say with all honesty and without any doubt that your feet are the most repulsive and hideous that I’ve ever seen. There so stubby it’s eerie. Please do not post any more pics of your feet. Thanks.
See? Now that’s some support right there. If getting called an alcoholic and having a stranger make fun of your feet doesn’t turn your frown upside down, well, you probably can’t read in the first place.
(But while we’re here: WTF? To my dying day, I will defend my feet. Sure, they may be gross, but that is because feet are inherently gross. Remember, I’m a fat guy with a beard whose skin is so pale it’s practically translucent. I probably have the nicest feet in my demographic, thank you very much.)
(And for the record, the focus of the picture is not my feet, but rather the number on the scale. I tried, with the help of Site Guy Brendan, to cut and edit the picture so that only the numbers were showing, but since my camera sucks, I couldn’t do it without totally blurring the numbers on the scale. Thus the feet pics.)
(And I won’t link to the feet picture, lest I upset the easily upsetable, but if you want to see the post that Grant is referring to, it was written on August 25, 2006.)
But no one put a smile on my face quite like Erin in Kansas City, who simply wrote:
No way am I the only one who thinks you look a lil like this guy [editor's note: sound not safe for work]. No comment on the song content. Oof. Apologies.
First off, I really, really look like this guy. I mean, it’s mindblowing. I sent this clip to a few of my friends this morning and my phone was shortly ringing off the hook, with friends either laughing or saying, almost incoherently, "I…I mean…I don’t…" – just speechless.
Look here and then look at the video. When I first saw him walking with his guitar, I thought to myself, "Oh my god – did I star in a music video when I had a moustache last year?" It’s really uncanny. An ex who I sent the clip to said, "He’s definitely chubbier than you, but you’re definitely hairier." So I guess it’s a draw.
Now, the song – and the reason why the lyrics are not safe for work, even though I couldn’t really listen to them - is called "God Hates a Fag." The man looks so ridiculous (is this a self-deprecating remark?) and the song title is so obviously obnoxious that I thought it was a joke. I mean, c’mon - I make gay jokes all the time and I’m not serious.
(Too much.)
But upon further review, I think he indeed might be serious. His website says he’s a "reformed homosexual" (which just added to the delight of my friends when my buddy Ben found out this nugget) and he seems pretty pissed off about that. His MySpace page says "I’m the Lead singer in a band called Evening Service. We are a Christian band dedicated to Gods [sic] word and taking on tough Christian topics, such as homosexuality and abortion." Um, that doesn’t sound very funny to me. Not at all. If he wanted it to be funny, all he had to do was add an "and fucking hoagies" at the end there and I would have bought whatever it is he’s selling. But since he didn’t, well, I think he may really hate the gays.
So bottom line: somewhere in the USA there is a man who looks exactly like me and he’s a reformed homosexual who does God’s will by promulgating hate. Meanwhile, his identical twin is a (questionable) heterosexual who does his own will by writing about boobies and booze on the internet and one time ejaculated onto an oscillating fan, just to see what would happen (answer: awesomeness).
…
Honestly, I don’t know who’s more disappointed and weirded out: me, because I look like him, or him, because he looks like me.
(And if this is all a joke, thank goodness – and I was totally fooled.)
(…)
(Man, that guy looks like me.)
(And yes, I realize by writing that I’m not getting booby pictures I’m going to be deluged with pictures of scrotums. But I am undaunted. If I get even one good booby picture which I can store on my computer for years and years to use as blackmail at the proper time, I’m willing to sift through dozens, if not millions, of pictures of testes. Because that’s the kind of man I am.)
Since I won’t be able to respond to all your emails (you know, because I’m an asshole), I figured I’d answer some of the frequent questions that have been asked:
- No, you can’t read the script. Not that I don’t want you to read it, but because the network owns the idea. For me to post it on here would be a violation of copyright or some shit. And I have enough law suits going on at the moment.
- No, I can’t film it myself/you can’t film it with me. See above explanation.
- No, I can’t sell it to another network. At least, I don’t think I can. If some other network really wants it, they can contact the network that currently owns it and buy it off them, but that happens for people like Larry David, David Kohan and Max Mutchnick, and Steve Levitan, not Jason Mulgrew.
- In response to "Do you know what you’re talking about?": Kinda. More than you, at least. Jerk.
- Yes, I really do plan on writing a book about the experience. But let’s get the first book out, ok?
- No, there’s no need to protest or rise up with fists or whatnot. Like I said, everyone I dealt with was very cool and no one fucked me over or anything like that. I knew what the odds were going in, and knew that I had less than a 10% chance of getting the pilot shot (it actually turned out that I had something like a 4% chance). That’s just the way it goes.
And not to beat a dead horse here, but I feel ok about the whole thing. Other opportunities will surely arise. And I still have you all. I mean, how can you not feel ok when you get emails like this one, from Grant in Vancouver, BC:
Jason,
Long time reader, first time emailer. Tough luck re your TV show. I would say I’m sorry to hear it but deep down I’m not. It’s not that I don’t enjoy your blog, which I very much do, but I just hate to see people in my demographic create successful lives out of nothing but their own talent and fortitude. I prefer people in similar stages of their lives as me to be the same, or better yet less successful than me. It just makes me look and feel better about myself.
Cheers,
Grant
p.s. You’re an alcoholic.
p.p.s. You posted a picture of your feet a while back. The caption read ‘my best quality’ or something like that. That picture continues to haunt me. As a 100% heterosexual male I can say with all honesty and without any doubt that your feet are the most repulsive and hideous that I’ve ever seen. There so stubby it’s eerie. Please do not post any more pics of your feet. Thanks.
See? Now that’s some support right there. If getting called an alcoholic and having a stranger make fun of your feet doesn’t turn your frown upside down, well, you probably can’t read in the first place.
(But while we’re here: WTF? To my dying day, I will defend my feet. Sure, they may be gross, but that is because feet are inherently gross. Remember, I’m a fat guy with a beard whose skin is so pale it’s practically translucent. I probably have the nicest feet in my demographic, thank you very much.)
(And for the record, the focus of the picture is not my feet, but rather the number on the scale. I tried, with the help of Site Guy Brendan, to cut and edit the picture so that only the numbers were showing, but since my camera sucks, I couldn’t do it without totally blurring the numbers on the scale. Thus the feet pics.)
(And I won’t link to the feet picture, lest I upset the easily upsetable, but if you want to see the post that Grant is referring to, it was written on August 25, 2006.)
But no one put a smile on my face quite like Erin in Kansas City, who simply wrote:
No way am I the only one who thinks you look a lil like this guy [editor's note: sound not safe for work]. No comment on the song content. Oof. Apologies.
First off, I really, really look like this guy. I mean, it’s mindblowing. I sent this clip to a few of my friends this morning and my phone was shortly ringing off the hook, with friends either laughing or saying, almost incoherently, "I…I mean…I don’t…" – just speechless.
Look here and then look at the video. When I first saw him walking with his guitar, I thought to myself, "Oh my god – did I star in a music video when I had a moustache last year?" It’s really uncanny. An ex who I sent the clip to said, "He’s definitely chubbier than you, but you’re definitely hairier." So I guess it’s a draw.
Now, the song – and the reason why the lyrics are not safe for work, even though I couldn’t really listen to them - is called "God Hates a Fag." The man looks so ridiculous (is this a self-deprecating remark?) and the song title is so obviously obnoxious that I thought it was a joke. I mean, c’mon - I make gay jokes all the time and I’m not serious.
(Too much.)
But upon further review, I think he indeed might be serious. His website says he’s a "reformed homosexual" (which just added to the delight of my friends when my buddy Ben found out this nugget) and he seems pretty pissed off about that. His MySpace page says "I’m the Lead singer in a band called Evening Service. We are a Christian band dedicated to Gods [sic] word and taking on tough Christian topics, such as homosexuality and abortion." Um, that doesn’t sound very funny to me. Not at all. If he wanted it to be funny, all he had to do was add an "and fucking hoagies" at the end there and I would have bought whatever it is he’s selling. But since he didn’t, well, I think he may really hate the gays.
So bottom line: somewhere in the USA there is a man who looks exactly like me and he’s a reformed homosexual who does God’s will by promulgating hate. Meanwhile, his identical twin is a (questionable) heterosexual who does his own will by writing about boobies and booze on the internet and one time ejaculated onto an oscillating fan, just to see what would happen (answer: awesomeness).
…
Honestly, I don’t know who’s more disappointed and weirded out: me, because I look like him, or him, because he looks like me.
(And if this is all a joke, thank goodness – and I was totally fooled.)
(…)
(Man, that guy looks like me.)
