impulses, tech rage
29 January 2007
The weekend was relatively low key, but I would be remiss if I didn’t offer this lil’ nugget to you before getting to the meat of the post.
Saturday night, my old roommate Brian was so messed up that he couldn’t get back to his apartment in Brooklyn, so he slept on my couch. On Sunday early afternoon, we went to brunch at Sullivan Diner on Sullivan between Houston and Bleecker in the Village.
The diner is very small and when seated each person is only two or so feet away from the next table of diners. Most people, most decent people, might censor what they say in such close quarters, as eavesdropping can not be helped. Um, not us.
After Brian and I ordered, he delivered the greatest conversation opener I’ve ever heard, much to the horror of everyone in our vicinity: "So I told you about what happened after my work Christmas party, right? How I went home with the bodybuilder and peed on her floor?"
Yes, Brian. Yes, you had already told me. But you hadn’t already told the people who were eating around us - two well-dressed girls taking a break from shopping on the left and the two guys and one girl in sweats looking hungover on the right - who nearly dropped their forks from shock when hearing these words (I’m pretty sure I heard a gasp too). They then spent the rest of their meals in silence listening to Brian and I talk.
I love brunch.
But now I turn to you, dear readers, because I need help. I’m about to make some very impulsive purchases and need advice.
Impulse Purchase #1: I am thinking of buying a Mac.
I have to say right up front: I’m not really sure why I want to get a Mac laptop. I think it’s a combination of strange and retarded reasons: my own laptop sucks and dies a little bit every day; said laptop weighs approximately 20 pounds and has a battery life of forty-eight seconds, so it’s not exactly portable; I’ve had the laptop since August of 2004, so maybe it’s time for a new one anyway; Macs are really sexy; I’m really into spending money I don’t have; since I can’t love anything alive, I have to love something inanimate.
After brunch yesterday, Brian and I and our friend Jeremy passed by the Apple store in Soho and went in. Never before had I considered buying a Mac. And I mean, never – Jeremy and Brian are both into Macs and my old roommate Ben loves Macs so much he should work for the company, but I’ve always resisted and thought they were shitty and awkward computers. However, on this day, full of eggs benedict and still a little high from the previous night, I practically had to be dragged out of the store by Brian and Jeremy to keep me from buying one. Jeremy, who is fairly computer literate, convinced me not to buy right then and there for two reasons:
- Data. I want to be able to use my current (PC) laptop as a desktop and use my Mac as a laptop. So I’d have both a PC and Mac and I’d want to be able to exchange data between the two. For this purpose, I bought a 250 gig (or whatever) external hard drive. The funny little man at the Mac store said that this hard drive would do exactly that and allow me to use both. All I had to do was format the external hard drive for Windows, load what I wanted on there, and my new as-yet-purchased Mac would be able to pull it off.
One thing that you may not realize about me is that I suck at computers. We’re talking a whole lot of suck here. If it wasn’t for the patience and wisdom of Site Guy Brendan, not only would this site have never gotten off the ground, but I, along with upwards of two dozen people, would be dead by now. Simply because when I try to do things on the computer, people get hurt.
Not surprisingly, I got home last night and tried to "format" my external hard drive and within seven minutes I was cutting myself. For whatever reason, I am not able to format this external hard drive – things the manual is says should be happening are not happening. After two hours and some pretty deep cuts, I decided to go to bed. Today, when I feel calm enough to go near my computer again, I’m going to take it to a random person on craigslist to get my external hard drive formatted. Perhaps I should be concerned about this random person stealing my identity or my computer, but after last night, I just want the fucking thing fixed.
(I don’t want to go off here and start cutting myself again, but another reason for the purchase of the external hard drive is to back up my music. See, my iPod has not updated since October. I have no idea why. Though I’ve been able to download and listen to new music while at my computer, I can’t upload anything new to my iPod. According to the Apple website, I have to delete iTunes from my system and re-install it. This makes me very afraid. If I were to lose the 7500 songs I have in iTunes, it would be…I can’t even get into it. So I was pumped when I bought the external hard drive because I could back up my music and finally feel comfortable deleting iTunes and getting my iPod back up and functioning, and of course that didn’t turn out. Fuck it all to hell, these computers.)
So I’m not ready to buy a Mac just yet. But I didn’t know this would shake down the way it did when I was in the store, salivating over the computers. Jeremy mentioned another reason I should wait a bit before buying.
- You. Yes, you. Do you work for Mac or in a computer store? Is there anyway you can use your steep employee discount on my new laptop in exchange for a high five and a six pack of beer? I know that it might be considered a bit shameless for me to come right out and ask you this, but I’d respond that a) the beer is not limited to domestics and b) I am awesome at giving high fives. If you can help here, lemme know.
Impulse Purchase #2: I am thinking of buying a digital camcorder.
Every day that passes is a day that I become more and more aware of my own mortality. I feel like I’ve only got – tops – three good years left, before something breaks one of two ways: I’ll either die, gloriously, in the jaws of a shark while fucking a sexy lil’ Dutch girl and lighting $100 bills on fire, or I’ll say, "Fuck it," get married, buy a house in New Jersey, and systematically go about destroying the lives of my wife and (slow, fussy) child.
Neither of these fates are particularly appealing, but they are inevitable. Therefore, it’s becoming increasingly important to enjoy these times and trips and weekends. And since I’ve already noticed that my memory is slipping, it would probably be best to get these memories on film. You know, so that five years from now I can watch a three hour clip of me sitting in my living room watching VH1 Classic and weeping occasionally.
This impulse purchase meshes well with my dream of Mac ownership, as everyone knows how great Macs are with this kinda thing (remember: I’m cursed with computers and need all the help I can get). But this, I might actually get use of. I’m not promising anything, but since a couple thousand people a day check into to see what I’m writing, maybe I could put some videos up here. You know, maybe some three hour videos of me sitting in my living room watching VH1 Classic and weeping occasionally.
Of course, if any of you have suggestions on nice digital camcorders, I’m open (likewise if you can get me one at a discount). If I’m buying a Mac and a camcorder (and I dropped $200 on an external hard drive that took four years off my life last night – not including how much I’m going to have to pay someone to format it and steal my identity), I’d like to keep it ideally under $400, but I have no idea if that’s possible – I don’t want a piece of crap.
…
You know what? I just read this post over and if you’re still reading, please accept my apologies. George Carlin has a bit about how nothing’s more boring than listening to another person describe a dream they had, but I’d say that reading 1500 words about computer problems has got to be high on the list of "You really think I give a shit about this?"
I’m sorry, but at least I’m aware of how bad it is. I promise to limit my computer-related complaints in the future and focus on providing you with better entertainment. I probably should have focused more on Brian’s story (which is not printable) or how I saw Richard Gere and his family last night as I was leaving the cheesesteak place and going to get ice cream. Live and learn, I guess.
Saturday night, my old roommate Brian was so messed up that he couldn’t get back to his apartment in Brooklyn, so he slept on my couch. On Sunday early afternoon, we went to brunch at Sullivan Diner on Sullivan between Houston and Bleecker in the Village.
The diner is very small and when seated each person is only two or so feet away from the next table of diners. Most people, most decent people, might censor what they say in such close quarters, as eavesdropping can not be helped. Um, not us.
After Brian and I ordered, he delivered the greatest conversation opener I’ve ever heard, much to the horror of everyone in our vicinity: "So I told you about what happened after my work Christmas party, right? How I went home with the bodybuilder and peed on her floor?"
Yes, Brian. Yes, you had already told me. But you hadn’t already told the people who were eating around us - two well-dressed girls taking a break from shopping on the left and the two guys and one girl in sweats looking hungover on the right - who nearly dropped their forks from shock when hearing these words (I’m pretty sure I heard a gasp too). They then spent the rest of their meals in silence listening to Brian and I talk.
I love brunch.
But now I turn to you, dear readers, because I need help. I’m about to make some very impulsive purchases and need advice.
Impulse Purchase #1: I am thinking of buying a Mac.
I have to say right up front: I’m not really sure why I want to get a Mac laptop. I think it’s a combination of strange and retarded reasons: my own laptop sucks and dies a little bit every day; said laptop weighs approximately 20 pounds and has a battery life of forty-eight seconds, so it’s not exactly portable; I’ve had the laptop since August of 2004, so maybe it’s time for a new one anyway; Macs are really sexy; I’m really into spending money I don’t have; since I can’t love anything alive, I have to love something inanimate.
After brunch yesterday, Brian and I and our friend Jeremy passed by the Apple store in Soho and went in. Never before had I considered buying a Mac. And I mean, never – Jeremy and Brian are both into Macs and my old roommate Ben loves Macs so much he should work for the company, but I’ve always resisted and thought they were shitty and awkward computers. However, on this day, full of eggs benedict and still a little high from the previous night, I practically had to be dragged out of the store by Brian and Jeremy to keep me from buying one. Jeremy, who is fairly computer literate, convinced me not to buy right then and there for two reasons:
- Data. I want to be able to use my current (PC) laptop as a desktop and use my Mac as a laptop. So I’d have both a PC and Mac and I’d want to be able to exchange data between the two. For this purpose, I bought a 250 gig (or whatever) external hard drive. The funny little man at the Mac store said that this hard drive would do exactly that and allow me to use both. All I had to do was format the external hard drive for Windows, load what I wanted on there, and my new as-yet-purchased Mac would be able to pull it off.
One thing that you may not realize about me is that I suck at computers. We’re talking a whole lot of suck here. If it wasn’t for the patience and wisdom of Site Guy Brendan, not only would this site have never gotten off the ground, but I, along with upwards of two dozen people, would be dead by now. Simply because when I try to do things on the computer, people get hurt.
Not surprisingly, I got home last night and tried to "format" my external hard drive and within seven minutes I was cutting myself. For whatever reason, I am not able to format this external hard drive – things the manual is says should be happening are not happening. After two hours and some pretty deep cuts, I decided to go to bed. Today, when I feel calm enough to go near my computer again, I’m going to take it to a random person on craigslist to get my external hard drive formatted. Perhaps I should be concerned about this random person stealing my identity or my computer, but after last night, I just want the fucking thing fixed.
(I don’t want to go off here and start cutting myself again, but another reason for the purchase of the external hard drive is to back up my music. See, my iPod has not updated since October. I have no idea why. Though I’ve been able to download and listen to new music while at my computer, I can’t upload anything new to my iPod. According to the Apple website, I have to delete iTunes from my system and re-install it. This makes me very afraid. If I were to lose the 7500 songs I have in iTunes, it would be…I can’t even get into it. So I was pumped when I bought the external hard drive because I could back up my music and finally feel comfortable deleting iTunes and getting my iPod back up and functioning, and of course that didn’t turn out. Fuck it all to hell, these computers.)
So I’m not ready to buy a Mac just yet. But I didn’t know this would shake down the way it did when I was in the store, salivating over the computers. Jeremy mentioned another reason I should wait a bit before buying.
- You. Yes, you. Do you work for Mac or in a computer store? Is there anyway you can use your steep employee discount on my new laptop in exchange for a high five and a six pack of beer? I know that it might be considered a bit shameless for me to come right out and ask you this, but I’d respond that a) the beer is not limited to domestics and b) I am awesome at giving high fives. If you can help here, lemme know.
Impulse Purchase #2: I am thinking of buying a digital camcorder.
Every day that passes is a day that I become more and more aware of my own mortality. I feel like I’ve only got – tops – three good years left, before something breaks one of two ways: I’ll either die, gloriously, in the jaws of a shark while fucking a sexy lil’ Dutch girl and lighting $100 bills on fire, or I’ll say, "Fuck it," get married, buy a house in New Jersey, and systematically go about destroying the lives of my wife and (slow, fussy) child.
Neither of these fates are particularly appealing, but they are inevitable. Therefore, it’s becoming increasingly important to enjoy these times and trips and weekends. And since I’ve already noticed that my memory is slipping, it would probably be best to get these memories on film. You know, so that five years from now I can watch a three hour clip of me sitting in my living room watching VH1 Classic and weeping occasionally.
This impulse purchase meshes well with my dream of Mac ownership, as everyone knows how great Macs are with this kinda thing (remember: I’m cursed with computers and need all the help I can get). But this, I might actually get use of. I’m not promising anything, but since a couple thousand people a day check into to see what I’m writing, maybe I could put some videos up here. You know, maybe some three hour videos of me sitting in my living room watching VH1 Classic and weeping occasionally.
Of course, if any of you have suggestions on nice digital camcorders, I’m open (likewise if you can get me one at a discount). If I’m buying a Mac and a camcorder (and I dropped $200 on an external hard drive that took four years off my life last night – not including how much I’m going to have to pay someone to format it and steal my identity), I’d like to keep it ideally under $400, but I have no idea if that’s possible – I don’t want a piece of crap.
…
You know what? I just read this post over and if you’re still reading, please accept my apologies. George Carlin has a bit about how nothing’s more boring than listening to another person describe a dream they had, but I’d say that reading 1500 words about computer problems has got to be high on the list of "You really think I give a shit about this?"
I’m sorry, but at least I’m aware of how bad it is. I promise to limit my computer-related complaints in the future and focus on providing you with better entertainment. I probably should have focused more on Brian’s story (which is not printable) or how I saw Richard Gere and his family last night as I was leaving the cheesesteak place and going to get ice cream. Live and learn, I guess.
