oh you crazy gals
8 February 2007
I was planning on writing about this either tomorrow (or never), but I might as well get it out of the way now and save myself from reading 25 or so more emails I’ll get about the topic today.
In a post last week about condoms, I wrote about a buddy who dated a girl for five years who never went on the pill. I claimed that her unwillingness to go on the pill was a sure sign that she didn’t love him, as any woman who truly loved her man would pop a pill once a day so her man could raw-dog it. I also wondered why all women aren’t all the pill anyway – even if they’re not having sex – because it is truly a great invention.
Well.
This inspired maybe two hundred emails from ladies all over the world. Some offered advice and insight as to why all women aren’t on the pill, some gave me a good ol’ fashioned scolding for being an ignorant male chauvinist (guilty as charged). Either way, they made for entertaining reading.
But one thing I want to clear up, dear ladies, is OF COURSE I realize that the pill is not for everyone. (As a matter of fact, I think that exact phrase – "the pill is not for everyone" – regularly plays in a commercial during some of my favorite murder shows.) Aside from tv-related birth control learning, I have also been in relationships with women who were either on the pill, or were not on the pill, or started re-taking the pill after we began dating (but it turned out that one of these re-takers was also re-fucking her ex-boyfriend, so it wasn’t just for my benefit). So I know at least a little bit about the pill and its effects, emotionally, physically, and on my bird.
Yet make no mistake: even though I realize the pill is not for every woman, that doesn’t mean I’m backtracking from my statement that if a woman truly loved her man, she get on the pill so he wouldn’t have to deal with condoms and could throw the old hot dog down the hallway as quickly as possible. Mood swings, weight gain, and blood clots are nasty things to be sure, but men sacrifice for love all the time. For example, do you think that I like coming home after a hard day of work on Friday, attaching my beard trimmer to a wooden ruler with some rubber bands, then spending the next twenty minutes in the bathroom listening to Abba and contorting my body in all sorts of strange and uncomfortable positions to get every last patch of back hair shaved away? How about when you decide to slut it up at my cousin’s wedding and I have to listen to my mom say for the next two months, "[Girl's] outfit at Michael’s wedding was…interesting. How well do you know her? Does she dress like that all the time?" Or how about when I get an email from a extremely attractive girl from Germany who reads the site, is coming to NYC, wants to meet up, and says in no uncertain terms things that I watch on my computer when I’m alone will happen between us, but I tell her I’m out of town that weekend because I don’t trust myself and apparently monogamy is "important" to you? I mean, does that not count for anything?
[Deep breath here.]
[...]
[Ok.]
True love is about sacrifice. Whether it’s me shaving my back and falling into the sink in the process or you taking a pill that for all intents and purposes turns you into a manic depressive doesn’t matter. If you really care, you will inconvenience yourself. This is the nature of love. Embrace it or die alone.
(Or just stop emailing me explaining the negatives of birth control pills.)
In a post last week about condoms, I wrote about a buddy who dated a girl for five years who never went on the pill. I claimed that her unwillingness to go on the pill was a sure sign that she didn’t love him, as any woman who truly loved her man would pop a pill once a day so her man could raw-dog it. I also wondered why all women aren’t all the pill anyway – even if they’re not having sex – because it is truly a great invention.
Well.
This inspired maybe two hundred emails from ladies all over the world. Some offered advice and insight as to why all women aren’t on the pill, some gave me a good ol’ fashioned scolding for being an ignorant male chauvinist (guilty as charged). Either way, they made for entertaining reading.
But one thing I want to clear up, dear ladies, is OF COURSE I realize that the pill is not for everyone. (As a matter of fact, I think that exact phrase – "the pill is not for everyone" – regularly plays in a commercial during some of my favorite murder shows.) Aside from tv-related birth control learning, I have also been in relationships with women who were either on the pill, or were not on the pill, or started re-taking the pill after we began dating (but it turned out that one of these re-takers was also re-fucking her ex-boyfriend, so it wasn’t just for my benefit). So I know at least a little bit about the pill and its effects, emotionally, physically, and on my bird.
Yet make no mistake: even though I realize the pill is not for every woman, that doesn’t mean I’m backtracking from my statement that if a woman truly loved her man, she get on the pill so he wouldn’t have to deal with condoms and could throw the old hot dog down the hallway as quickly as possible. Mood swings, weight gain, and blood clots are nasty things to be sure, but men sacrifice for love all the time. For example, do you think that I like coming home after a hard day of work on Friday, attaching my beard trimmer to a wooden ruler with some rubber bands, then spending the next twenty minutes in the bathroom listening to Abba and contorting my body in all sorts of strange and uncomfortable positions to get every last patch of back hair shaved away? How about when you decide to slut it up at my cousin’s wedding and I have to listen to my mom say for the next two months, "[Girl's] outfit at Michael’s wedding was…interesting. How well do you know her? Does she dress like that all the time?" Or how about when I get an email from a extremely attractive girl from Germany who reads the site, is coming to NYC, wants to meet up, and says in no uncertain terms things that I watch on my computer when I’m alone will happen between us, but I tell her I’m out of town that weekend because I don’t trust myself and apparently monogamy is "important" to you? I mean, does that not count for anything?
[Deep breath here.]
[...]
[Ok.]
True love is about sacrifice. Whether it’s me shaving my back and falling into the sink in the process or you taking a pill that for all intents and purposes turns you into a manic depressive doesn’t matter. If you really care, you will inconvenience yourself. This is the nature of love. Embrace it or die alone.
(Or just stop emailing me explaining the negatives of birth control pills.)
