A few years back, my buddies got me a breathalyzer for my birthday.  It was quite a fun addition to our drinking; we’d take it out to bars, get people to blow in it, and see how high they’d score. 

However, the "in-bar" readings were often inaccurate.  This is because after taking a sip of beer you had to wait two or three minutes before blowing, lest your reading be inflated.  And since I and my friends had (and have) trouble waiting between sips, often our readings would be through the roof – usually over .30, after only a beer or two (the legal limit in most states is .08).  Therefore, it was impossible to accurately predict who had the highest reading while out boozing. 

So instead, the best use of the breathalyzer was in the morning.  We’d blow into it after a heavy night of drinking and after not having had a drink for six or eight hours.  This, we thought, would give us the most accurate reading.  The record was a tie between my friends Bill and Jen, who each blew a .22 in the morning after boozing.  Both records were recorded in the same weekend and blew the previous morning high – .16 – out of the water.  We were in awe of Bill and Jen.

However, Bill and Jen have nothing on this woman.

A former Seattle police officer returned the highest blood-alcohol reading ever recorded by a Washington state driver, and she was charged with driving under the influence Wednesday.

Deana F. Jarrett, of Woodinville, registered a 0.47 percent blood-alcohol reading after striking two cars April 11, said Trooper Jeff Merrill, public-information officer for the State Patrol. The legal limit in Washington is 0.08 percent.

A blood-alcohol level above 0.40 percent is potentially lethal.

.47???  I’m speechless.  I am without speech.  The article continues, "Five empty four-ounce plastic bottles of vodka and two empty 12-ounce cans of beer were found on the front passenger seat, according to a trooper’s report."  Just…wow. 

I really don’t know how I feel right now.  I think it’s somewhere between impressed and turned on, but also a little nauseous.  So basically the exact same way I felt the first time I saw a vagina.   

There is nothing funny about drinking and drinking, which we here at jasonmulgrew.com do not condone under any circumstances.  However, we would like to officially state that we will be dedicating this weekend’s drinking performance to Ms. Deana F. Jarrett, in recognition of her record-breaking performance.  Congratulations, Deana, and may God have mercy on you.  

Also, will you marry me? 

************  

Does anyone want my couch?  I’m getting new furniture this weekend and need to get rid of it.  I must confess - there was an incident, and, well, without getting into too much detail, I peed on the couch.  However, that was way back in December of 2003 and I immediately sprayed Febreeze on the urine stain.  And though it’s still there, this couch (which has a sofa bed) has been sat and slept on by dozens of people since my urination.  So please don’t let the pee keep you from taking it.  It’s otherwise a lovely couch.  

But if none of you want it, that’s fine.  The plan is for my buddy Jeremy to come over to my place after midnight on Friday night and he and I will take the couch and leave it on the street somewhere in Chinatown.  Knowing my neighbors, my guess is that the couch will be claimed no longer than 15 minutes after we put it down, and there may even be a line gathering around us as we look for a spot to drop it.   

So no worries.  I was just looking out for your guys.  I can think of few better pieces of memorabilia after my spectacular death in a hotel fire in October 2009 than the original Jason Mulgrew Piss Couch.    

(I am really gonna miss that couch.  I also think I’ve had sex on the couch, which would make it even rarer and more valuable, since the number of things I’ve peed on is far greater than the number of things I’ve had sex on, which go: my bed, the parking lot of Veterans Stadium, and, um…that’s about it.  Oh, once I fell off my bed while making love, so maybe my bedroom floor.  But I don’t know if that really counts since the girl was asleep at the time and stayed on the bed, so whatever.  I’m not a doctor.  Let’s just move on.)     

************  

I may be in Milwaukee in the first weekend of August.  I’ve always felt a connection to Milwaukee, which, as I understand it, is full of fat people who drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of cheese and sausage.  Which begs the question: where do I sign up?  My buddy Bob lives out there and a bunch of us – all Phillies fans – are planning to go out that weekend to catch a Phils-Brewers game.  Just a lovely mid-summer guys’ weekend.   

However, the trip is not definite.  Squeeze, one of my favorite bands, is reuniting for a tour.  And wouldn’t you know it – they will be playing in NYC the Friday I am planning on being in Milwaukee.  Complicating matters is that my buddy Griff wants to fly in from Seattle for the weekend to see Squeeze with me.  Hmmm…  

Though I love the 80’s Brit-Pop of Squeeze, methinks the beer/sausage/cheese combo that Milwaukee is offering me is going to win out.  As a compromise, I will tell Griff that I am willing to fly out to LA to see Squeeze on August 13 (a Monday).  We can spend the weekend together there, which sounds really gay now that I just wrote it out, and then catch Squeeze at the Greek Theatre, which is perfect because Griff is Greek.  Everyone wins.

Griff, if you’re reading this, let me know if this works for you.  If not, we can discuss at Joe’s wedding next weekend when you’re bombed and agreeable.  And if any of you reading live in Milwaukee, you’d better start the preparations now.  If you wow me enough, I may be moving out there.  Most will move for love or career or family; I will move for sausage.  And I am proud of that.     

************  

What the Phillies are doing right now to themselves, their fan base, and the city of Philadelphia is disgraceful.  They have the worst record in the NL, they moved their Opening Day starter to the bullpen, their best player and last year’s MVP may be hurt, and their manager wants to fistfight a radio show host.  What a fucking shitshow.   

(For some background that’s both bizarre and hilarious, go here.)

However, I really can’t complain (too much), since I’ve watched only one Phillies game this season.  But expect more insight soon as I just ordered the MLB Extra Innings package on cable.  Yes, that’s right – for only $160, I can watch a season’s worth of Philadelphia sports futility, resulting in stress, bitterness, weight gain, and heightened blood pressure.  Seriously, that’s a steal for $160.   

Anyone who says that Philly isn’t the unluckiest sports city in America is just plain wrong.  Fuck.   

************  

It seems wrong to discuss this between fart jokes, but I also didn’t want to make a grand statement that would seem either disingenuous or plainly inappropriate.  My reaction to the Virginia Tech shootings thus far has been purely visceral; it is a great tragedy and alternatively makes me feel sadness for those who were lost and anger toward some fucking nerd who thought he was a bad because he had a gun.  

But I have yet to formulate an intellectual response.  Two difficult questions are being addressed right now:  

1) What could the university have done differently, knowing that Cho Seung-Hui’s was mentally unstable and a potential threat to others?  

2) What of gun control laws – should they be tightened to prevent tragedies like this?  

The first question, I can not begin to answer.  I know nothing about the legal responsibilities of the university or the local authorities, nor do I understand the psychological conditions that are required to be met in order to take the weird/quiet kid from the dorm room down the hall and lock him up in a mental institution.  But boy does it seem like the school administrators dropped the ball there.   

As for the second, I’m torn.  On the one hand, I agree with Jeff Soyer, a self-described "gay gun nut in Vermont" who runs Alphecca, when he wrote that, "[Y]ou can’t legislate against insanity, certainly not against future insanity [his italics] by someone who hasn’t had a record of it already."  100% true.  But the fact is that this great loss of life would not have happened if Cho Seung-Hui was not able to purchase guns.  A tremendous oversimplification, sure, but a fact nonetheless.   

I don’t – and will never, apparently - understand the need to own guns.  I need to eat and I need to have a home.  I have a lot of hobbies and things that I love: sports, music, boobies, hoagies, etc.  But if I had to give up one of these hobbies in order to prevent 30+ people getting shot to death at a school or 110+ people from being murdered so far this year in Philly, well, then I think I can live without obsessing over Jason Bay’s on-base percentage.   

Anyway, thoughts, prayers, and good vibes to those affected by the shootings. 

************  

Six Songs  

"Diamond Ring"  Joseph Arthur
I got his new album and it fucking rocks.  However, I haven’t been able to get past this song, the first one, which has been stuck in my head since I picked up the album.  You can hear the full song on my MySpace page or, more appropriately, Joseph Arthur’s MySpace page.  His last album, Nuclear Daydream, blew my fucking doors off.  I still need more time, but it’s possible that I may like this new one, Let’s Just Be, even more than Daydream.  But give me a little bit – right now, it’s a little bit of a sensory overload, like that giddy and impatient feeling you get when you’re in a pool or jacuzzi and put your balls on one of the streams of water.     

(Actually, it’s exactly like that feeling.)  

"This Must Be The Place"  Talking Heads   
I’ve pimped this before.  Here’s the deal: I wouldn’t call myself a Talking Heads fan.  I’m not even sure that I like the band.  Yet, this is probably one of my top ten favorite songs.  Interesting, no?

"Heaven on Earth"  Belinda Carlisle
I saw this video over the weekend while watching a pre-recorded video block from VH1 Classic and it struck me: Belinda Carlisle was once the most beautiful woman on earth.

[youtube]VQahvFdQVu8[/youtube]

I mean, look at her!  She’s breathtaking!  The eyes, the smile, the hair, the bosom, the confidence – stunning!  Also, she was a monster party girl who’s admitted to doing coke and heroine and fucking female groupies!  Holy crap!   

I realize that this works better for me on paper than in real life, since I don’t like any girl I’m involved with to have had sex before - let alone coke-fueled orgies with members of the opposite sex - but I was blown away when I saw this video this weekend.  And sure, I was high and drunk and had spent the previous few minutes unsuccessfully masturbating to the Milli Vanilli video that preceded it, but this video immediately took a special place in my heart.  

(And when she’s dancing in the confessional!  Totally, totally hot.) 

(And she kinda looks a little like an ex-girlfriend’s older sister.  I have no idea if that adds to the attraction or takes away from it.)  

(And I think I could get behind the coke-fueled orgies if they were all women, but no D in there, please.)

"Homo Rainbow"  Ween
Is there another band out there like Ween?  One capable of writing a song about homosexuals that is both pretty and rocks?  I don’t think so.  This is on my main getting ready to go out playlist and is routinely blasting from my apartment on weekend evenings.  It’s a good thing that my neighbors don’t speak English, or else they’d be very confused about the guy in apt 2 who constantly listens to that song about the homo rainbow.   

"Shuffle Your Feet"  Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
I once looked up the guitar tab for Elvis Costello’s "Alison" and at the end, the guy who transcribed the song made the comment, "This song is entirely too short."  I thought it was a great thing to say about a song, and in the case of "Alison," very fitting.  It’s a very good thing when a song ends and you find yourself wishing for another verse or another run through the chorus.  

This song is also entirely too short.  Just listen to it, and you’ll get what I mean.  I feel like it ends just when I’m ready to pull out the acoustic guitar to start strumming along.     

"Luckenback Texas"  Waylon Jennings
There only two things in life that make it worth livin’
That’s guitars that tune good and firm feelin’ women
I don’t need my name in the marquee lights
I got my song and I got you with me tonight  

God bless America.