new women, dilemma
5 June 2007
Problem
My friends and I are having difficulty meeting new women. "New women" is loosely-defined term, but basically it describes women that we do not know through friends (i.e. friends of friends) or work (including women met at work events or industry gatherings). Normally, women met socially through hobbies would count, but my friends and I don’t do any sort of activities or hold membership in any clubs, because that shit is gay.
Reason
This weekend, after living in New York City for six years and doing almost the same exact thing every weekend, we discovered the reason for this is two-fold. In order to meet new women, one must:
a) Go out before 1:30am;
b) Go to bars that, you know, women actually go to.
Shocking, I know. This blew me away, too. Let’s discuss.
On the former, I blame VH1 Classic. VH1 Classic is the pre-game entertainment of choice at my apartment. Starting at about 7pm or 8pm on at least one Friday or Saturday night per weekend, I will be joined by my friends Brian and Jeremy and usually one or two others (in the case of this weekend, my buddy Brendan) and we will drink and watch VH1 Classic. There will be some singing involved along with the videos, as well as some guitar playing, as well as in-depth discussions of such topics as "Separating the Goldmines from the Landmines: How to Tell Which Girl Necessitates the Use of a Condom and Which…Eh, We’ll Let It Slide and Hope That Cold Sore Is A One-Off" and "Def, Dumb and Blind: In A Post-Hysteria World, Does Pyromania Get The Respect It Deserves?" and "The Outer Bounds of Curiosity: Seriously, Would You Ever Make Out With A Dude?"
(The resolutions: look at her eyebrows, earrings and fingernails and you’ll know; no, especially since "Photograph" is one of the greatest songs of the entire fucking decade; and hey, anything’s possible with enough DiSaronno.)
The problem is that VH1 Classic has not been playing videos on Friday and Saturday nights. Instead, at these times they show either music-related movies or "classic" artists in concert. And while another documentary on Pink Floyd or Crowded House live at the Sydney Opera House in 1994 are appealing, nothing goes better with a 16 oz can of Bud than a Poison video. You can take that to the bank.
In an effort to combat this lack of videos, I have been tivoing video blocks, which appear from 3am until noon every day, making sure to catch all the great ones like "Metal Mania," "Rock Fest," and "We Are The 80′s." Then, when pre-gaming, I will replay these videos. This development makes it very, very difficult for my friends and I to leave my apartment at a reasonable time.
Remember, bars are open until 4am in NYC, so extensive pre-gaming in itself is not a bad thing. In the past, my buddies and I would drink and watch videos until about midnight, meaning we still had four hours to enjoy the bar scene. Sure, midnight is late to go out, but not too late. Plus, it’s hard for me to be in social situations unless my blood-alcohol level is at least .09. The upshot is that when I do go out I have a nice rosy color to me which makes me look healthy and alive, when really I’m dying inside.
But now that we have tivoed video blocks, we can explore twelve hours of videos in a single night, skipping the crappy ones and getting to the good stuff. Before, we’d leave at midnight when "Rock Fest" was over, tired as we were of the occasional terrible Asia or Kansas video (hey – both named after places!). But with the power of tivo and the almost unlimited access to rock videos, it is nearly impossible to get out of the apartment; we get drunk, the videos get better (skipping the bad ones), the tv gets louder, and before we know it, it’s after 1am.
(Also, did I mention I now have a gorgeous 42" plasma TV that I love more than God? This doesn’t make it easier.)
Again, the bars are open until 4am, so three hours at bar is not that bad. But here’s the problem.
By the time midnight or 1am rolls around, most of these "new women" we’re seeking to meet are already spoken for, or at least involved in group and in conversations. This Saturday, when we got out at about 1:45am, we looked around the bar and saw each woman or group of women already taken; some were off to the side, making out with their dudes; two by the jukebox were talking to three guys; four girls by the window had been descended upon what appeared to be members of the next terrible hipster rock band currently living in a studio on Clinton Street. There was nothing for us. Because we were late to the party, we missed out.
(I’m taking a leap of faith here and assuming that we’d actually talk to any of these women if given the chance, as opposed to standing in the corner mimicking masturbation and high-fiving each other. Just roll with it.)
This is reason one why we’re having trouble meeting new women.
For the latter reason ("One must go to bars that, you know, women actually go to"), I blame our no-nonsense love of alcohol and our hatred of douchebags.
(I’m going to slip into first person singular here but be aware that I speak for my buddies as well as myself on this.)
I do not like bars that are crowded. I do not like bars at which it takes a while to get a beer. I do not like bars in which people dance, as dancefloors are breeding grounds for douchebags. I do not want to have to yell to have a conversation. I do not like being surrounded by dudes who are out only to crush pussy, and, should that not work out, fight. Lastly, I do not like bars that do not have stall doors on their toilets. I’m sorry, but sometimes when I’m out I have to poop. It’s just my little cross to bear.
I don’t mean to sound like a party pooper, since it’s well-documented that I’m pretty fucking awesome. I love to go out, be rowdy, do shots, high five, piss in the bathroom sink, etc. But what I’m trying to get at is that the bars that my friends and I go to - bars that some would call "unpretentious" but others might call "dives" and even others would call "health code violators" – typically do not count many women among their patrons. Sure, there are some women at these bars – the past-her-prime actresses lamenting her missed big break over a vodka soda, the down on her luck waitress who drowns herself in rum on her only night off because her boyfriend is cheating on her, the slightly disfigured but charming prostitute who keeps asking me when I’m going to get her that $45 I owe her - but these type of women, well, are not exactly keeper material.
(Not that I consider myself keeper material - God help us if that’s the case - but you get it.)
(But I’m not all bad. I like poetry.)
This is reason two my friends and I are having trouble meeting new women.
Solution
The solution is simple: my friends and I need to start going out at 10pm to bars with dancefloors that require a ten minute wait for an $8 imported beer.
However, this solution is simply not feasible. I am a man of few principles, but asking me to forsake two hours of Led Zeppelin and Motley Crue videos so I can sip an Amstel Light and make comments like "The talent is tight in here!" at a bar in Murray Hill is just not going to happen. I have a better chance of getting my own survival show on the Discovery Channel that doing that.
So, some more realistic solutions:
1) Work for VH1 Classic, in the hopes that, once surrounded with all my favorite classic rock videos, I would get sick of them and so not mind leaving my apartment to go out. This plan is flawed, however, since there’s no way I can get sick of these videos.
[youtube]VZ5bS3_BCDs[/youtube]
Yep, no way. I could watch that all day long. And as soon as I’m done this, I probably will.
2) Go back to my female friends, hoping they introduce me to some new women. This option is not too promising based on my own past experiences with friends’ friends (I believe I practiced what most would call a "scorched earth" policy in this regard).
3) Open, with the help of my friends, our own bar.
I think we have a winner. If you have any suggestions for a name, drop me a line. It’s early, but I’m thinking "Larry’s Beer Here and Fuck Off" has the lead.
(And you can probably guess what will be playing on the TV’s.)
My friends and I are having difficulty meeting new women. "New women" is loosely-defined term, but basically it describes women that we do not know through friends (i.e. friends of friends) or work (including women met at work events or industry gatherings). Normally, women met socially through hobbies would count, but my friends and I don’t do any sort of activities or hold membership in any clubs, because that shit is gay.
Reason
This weekend, after living in New York City for six years and doing almost the same exact thing every weekend, we discovered the reason for this is two-fold. In order to meet new women, one must:
a) Go out before 1:30am;
b) Go to bars that, you know, women actually go to.
Shocking, I know. This blew me away, too. Let’s discuss.
On the former, I blame VH1 Classic. VH1 Classic is the pre-game entertainment of choice at my apartment. Starting at about 7pm or 8pm on at least one Friday or Saturday night per weekend, I will be joined by my friends Brian and Jeremy and usually one or two others (in the case of this weekend, my buddy Brendan) and we will drink and watch VH1 Classic. There will be some singing involved along with the videos, as well as some guitar playing, as well as in-depth discussions of such topics as "Separating the Goldmines from the Landmines: How to Tell Which Girl Necessitates the Use of a Condom and Which…Eh, We’ll Let It Slide and Hope That Cold Sore Is A One-Off" and "Def, Dumb and Blind: In A Post-Hysteria World, Does Pyromania Get The Respect It Deserves?" and "The Outer Bounds of Curiosity: Seriously, Would You Ever Make Out With A Dude?"
(The resolutions: look at her eyebrows, earrings and fingernails and you’ll know; no, especially since "Photograph" is one of the greatest songs of the entire fucking decade; and hey, anything’s possible with enough DiSaronno.)
The problem is that VH1 Classic has not been playing videos on Friday and Saturday nights. Instead, at these times they show either music-related movies or "classic" artists in concert. And while another documentary on Pink Floyd or Crowded House live at the Sydney Opera House in 1994 are appealing, nothing goes better with a 16 oz can of Bud than a Poison video. You can take that to the bank.
In an effort to combat this lack of videos, I have been tivoing video blocks, which appear from 3am until noon every day, making sure to catch all the great ones like "Metal Mania," "Rock Fest," and "We Are The 80′s." Then, when pre-gaming, I will replay these videos. This development makes it very, very difficult for my friends and I to leave my apartment at a reasonable time.
Remember, bars are open until 4am in NYC, so extensive pre-gaming in itself is not a bad thing. In the past, my buddies and I would drink and watch videos until about midnight, meaning we still had four hours to enjoy the bar scene. Sure, midnight is late to go out, but not too late. Plus, it’s hard for me to be in social situations unless my blood-alcohol level is at least .09. The upshot is that when I do go out I have a nice rosy color to me which makes me look healthy and alive, when really I’m dying inside.
But now that we have tivoed video blocks, we can explore twelve hours of videos in a single night, skipping the crappy ones and getting to the good stuff. Before, we’d leave at midnight when "Rock Fest" was over, tired as we were of the occasional terrible Asia or Kansas video (hey – both named after places!). But with the power of tivo and the almost unlimited access to rock videos, it is nearly impossible to get out of the apartment; we get drunk, the videos get better (skipping the bad ones), the tv gets louder, and before we know it, it’s after 1am.
(Also, did I mention I now have a gorgeous 42" plasma TV that I love more than God? This doesn’t make it easier.)
Again, the bars are open until 4am, so three hours at bar is not that bad. But here’s the problem.
By the time midnight or 1am rolls around, most of these "new women" we’re seeking to meet are already spoken for, or at least involved in group and in conversations. This Saturday, when we got out at about 1:45am, we looked around the bar and saw each woman or group of women already taken; some were off to the side, making out with their dudes; two by the jukebox were talking to three guys; four girls by the window had been descended upon what appeared to be members of the next terrible hipster rock band currently living in a studio on Clinton Street. There was nothing for us. Because we were late to the party, we missed out.
(I’m taking a leap of faith here and assuming that we’d actually talk to any of these women if given the chance, as opposed to standing in the corner mimicking masturbation and high-fiving each other. Just roll with it.)
This is reason one why we’re having trouble meeting new women.
For the latter reason ("One must go to bars that, you know, women actually go to"), I blame our no-nonsense love of alcohol and our hatred of douchebags.
(I’m going to slip into first person singular here but be aware that I speak for my buddies as well as myself on this.)
I do not like bars that are crowded. I do not like bars at which it takes a while to get a beer. I do not like bars in which people dance, as dancefloors are breeding grounds for douchebags. I do not want to have to yell to have a conversation. I do not like being surrounded by dudes who are out only to crush pussy, and, should that not work out, fight. Lastly, I do not like bars that do not have stall doors on their toilets. I’m sorry, but sometimes when I’m out I have to poop. It’s just my little cross to bear.
I don’t mean to sound like a party pooper, since it’s well-documented that I’m pretty fucking awesome. I love to go out, be rowdy, do shots, high five, piss in the bathroom sink, etc. But what I’m trying to get at is that the bars that my friends and I go to - bars that some would call "unpretentious" but others might call "dives" and even others would call "health code violators" – typically do not count many women among their patrons. Sure, there are some women at these bars – the past-her-prime actresses lamenting her missed big break over a vodka soda, the down on her luck waitress who drowns herself in rum on her only night off because her boyfriend is cheating on her, the slightly disfigured but charming prostitute who keeps asking me when I’m going to get her that $45 I owe her - but these type of women, well, are not exactly keeper material.
(Not that I consider myself keeper material - God help us if that’s the case - but you get it.)
(But I’m not all bad. I like poetry.)
This is reason two my friends and I are having trouble meeting new women.
Solution
The solution is simple: my friends and I need to start going out at 10pm to bars with dancefloors that require a ten minute wait for an $8 imported beer.
However, this solution is simply not feasible. I am a man of few principles, but asking me to forsake two hours of Led Zeppelin and Motley Crue videos so I can sip an Amstel Light and make comments like "The talent is tight in here!" at a bar in Murray Hill is just not going to happen. I have a better chance of getting my own survival show on the Discovery Channel that doing that.
So, some more realistic solutions:
1) Work for VH1 Classic, in the hopes that, once surrounded with all my favorite classic rock videos, I would get sick of them and so not mind leaving my apartment to go out. This plan is flawed, however, since there’s no way I can get sick of these videos.
[youtube]VZ5bS3_BCDs[/youtube]
Yep, no way. I could watch that all day long. And as soon as I’m done this, I probably will.
2) Go back to my female friends, hoping they introduce me to some new women. This option is not too promising based on my own past experiences with friends’ friends (I believe I practiced what most would call a "scorched earth" policy in this regard).
3) Open, with the help of my friends, our own bar.
I think we have a winner. If you have any suggestions for a name, drop me a line. It’s early, but I’m thinking "Larry’s Beer Here and Fuck Off" has the lead.
(And you can probably guess what will be playing on the TV’s.)
