for the father who has everything…
18 June 2007
There was a big debate among my brother and sister and I about what to get our dad for Father’s Day. My dad is kind of hard to shop for. He doesn’t really like many things, and what he does like he already has – or simply can’t have. For example, he likes Marlboro reds (plenty of those), his big screen TV and shows about nature or murder (check), motorcycles (doesn’t have one and can’t ride one because of his bad back), and tools (has hundreds of them – also one time I tried to buy my dad a tool and got so flustered I wound up buying him an cd and a quart of antifreeze).
So really, what do you get for the father who doesn’t want much but has everything he wants? Why, a Beretta .380, of course.
Make no mistake: we did not make this decision glibly. I’ve written before that my dad suffers from chronic back pain leftover from an injury that put him out of work a few years ago. Since then, he’s been on a steady regimen of painkillers. Buying a gun for a man who is constantly on painkillers and muscle relaxers is not the brightest idea and should only be approached with caution and after diligent research. But like I said, my dad is hard to shop for. And that gun is shiny. So a gun it is.
My mom got wind of our idea and was vehemently against it. I asked her why, and the best reason she could come up with was “Because…it’s just not a nice present.” I pointed out to her that in the South a gun would make an excellent Father’s Day present, but backed off shortly thereafter when I realized that this was the woman who lived with and was married to my dad at the height of his powers back in the early 80’s, and had put up with his numerous nights of jail, his being stabbed, and a few “the gun went off” incidents. So she had every right to be against the gun gift.
(You guys will have to pay to read about these “mishaps” in the book. Sorry. Uncle Jason’s gotta make some money somehow.)
But also we knew that a gun was what my dad wanted, as he mentioned something to that effect to my brother on one of their recent trips to the firing range. So a gun he would get. The only problem was how to actually going about getting the gun.
Simply put, we feared that our father would not pass the background check. Our dad has had his share of brushes with the law in the past and though there’s been nothing major, we (his children) were not sure what exactly the background check would look for and what offenses would potentially weed him out (pun entirely intended). We decided that if he failed, one of us would go back a few days later and buy the gun ourselves and then give it to him. I think this is technically illegal, but I’m not a lawyer.
Fortunately, that was unnecessary. My brother sent me the email below on Friday, the day after he and my dad went and bought the gun. I tried to summarize for publication on here, but he pretty much nailed it, so here’s the relevant part:
"[T]here was an automatic background check so he got the gun immediately instead of waiting. Prior to the check he was talking to the dealer and was like, "So, this just checks for felonies, right?" He then asked the dealer if there would be an issue with the background check because of previous run-ins with the law over child support money. I thought that would be so many levels of irony there if I couldn’t buy him a gun on Father’s Day because of a previous issue with him not paying for my child support, but it was a non-issue."
So luckily, delinquent twenty-year-old child support payments notwithstanding (time really does heal all wounds), my brother and my father walked out of the gun shop with a brand-new weapon of destruction.
I called my dad last night to wish him a happy Father’s Day. He told me that he went around my grandfather’s house were a bunch of relatives gathered to celebrate over pizza and Kentucky Fried Chicken (between the gun and the KFC on Father’s Day, I’m not sure if my family’s still living in Philly or if they’ve moved to Arkansas). I asked him about the gun and could tell he was thrilled about it. He hadn’t taken it to the range yet, but I sensed that for once, we finally got him something he really, really wanted. A gun. A fucking gun.
So Happy Father’s Day, Dad. Just don’t kill yourself or anyone with that gun. Or else Mom’s going to look pretty smart.
So really, what do you get for the father who doesn’t want much but has everything he wants? Why, a Beretta .380, of course.
Make no mistake: we did not make this decision glibly. I’ve written before that my dad suffers from chronic back pain leftover from an injury that put him out of work a few years ago. Since then, he’s been on a steady regimen of painkillers. Buying a gun for a man who is constantly on painkillers and muscle relaxers is not the brightest idea and should only be approached with caution and after diligent research. But like I said, my dad is hard to shop for. And that gun is shiny. So a gun it is.
My mom got wind of our idea and was vehemently against it. I asked her why, and the best reason she could come up with was “Because…it’s just not a nice present.” I pointed out to her that in the South a gun would make an excellent Father’s Day present, but backed off shortly thereafter when I realized that this was the woman who lived with and was married to my dad at the height of his powers back in the early 80’s, and had put up with his numerous nights of jail, his being stabbed, and a few “the gun went off” incidents. So she had every right to be against the gun gift.
(You guys will have to pay to read about these “mishaps” in the book. Sorry. Uncle Jason’s gotta make some money somehow.)
But also we knew that a gun was what my dad wanted, as he mentioned something to that effect to my brother on one of their recent trips to the firing range. So a gun he would get. The only problem was how to actually going about getting the gun.
Simply put, we feared that our father would not pass the background check. Our dad has had his share of brushes with the law in the past and though there’s been nothing major, we (his children) were not sure what exactly the background check would look for and what offenses would potentially weed him out (pun entirely intended). We decided that if he failed, one of us would go back a few days later and buy the gun ourselves and then give it to him. I think this is technically illegal, but I’m not a lawyer.
Fortunately, that was unnecessary. My brother sent me the email below on Friday, the day after he and my dad went and bought the gun. I tried to summarize for publication on here, but he pretty much nailed it, so here’s the relevant part:
"[T]here was an automatic background check so he got the gun immediately instead of waiting. Prior to the check he was talking to the dealer and was like, "So, this just checks for felonies, right?" He then asked the dealer if there would be an issue with the background check because of previous run-ins with the law over child support money. I thought that would be so many levels of irony there if I couldn’t buy him a gun on Father’s Day because of a previous issue with him not paying for my child support, but it was a non-issue."
So luckily, delinquent twenty-year-old child support payments notwithstanding (time really does heal all wounds), my brother and my father walked out of the gun shop with a brand-new weapon of destruction.
I called my dad last night to wish him a happy Father’s Day. He told me that he went around my grandfather’s house were a bunch of relatives gathered to celebrate over pizza and Kentucky Fried Chicken (between the gun and the KFC on Father’s Day, I’m not sure if my family’s still living in Philly or if they’ve moved to Arkansas). I asked him about the gun and could tell he was thrilled about it. He hadn’t taken it to the range yet, but I sensed that for once, we finally got him something he really, really wanted. A gun. A fucking gun.
So Happy Father’s Day, Dad. Just don’t kill yourself or anyone with that gun. Or else Mom’s going to look pretty smart.
