my fight against the slow and painful decline of circumcision
19 June 2007
This is an interesting article from CNN about the decline of circumcision rate in the US. The article states:
According to a study by the National Health and Social Life Survey, the U.S. circumcision rate peaked at nearly 90 percent in the early 1960s but began dropping in the ’70s. By 2004, the most recent year for which government figures are available, about 57 percent of all male newborns delivered in hospitals were circumcised. In some states, the rate is well below 50 percent.
The article continues:
[Circumcision] is most prevalent in the upper Midwest. In 2004, according to data compiled by the federal Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, more than 79 percent of newborn boys in the Midwest were circumcised before leaving the hospital. Michigan and Kentucky had the highest rates, at 85 percent.
In the fast-growing West, the rate declined dramatically — from 64 percent in 1979 to just under 32 percent in 2004.
In California, the rate of hospital circumcisions among newborns was 21 percent. California — which has more immigrants than any other state — had the lowest circumcision rate in the study, which had comprehensive data on only 27 states.
I mean, crap.
Those who know me know that I am passionate about few things – creamed chipped beef, masturbating in front of a mirror, and, well, that’s about it. Those and, of course, circumcision.
I am about as pro-circumcision as they come. While the jury is still out about whether or not I can actually procreate a non-dragon child, if I do have a son, he will certainly be circumcised - even if I have to perform the operation myself or with the aide of a Franciscan monk and doctor named Michel. This is not because I believe in the health benefits of circumcision but for one simple reason: uncircumcised birds look totally fucking weird.
I, as you might have surmised, am circumcised. I am sure that when my parents made the decision to have me circumcised, it was based on a simple factor – that’s just what you do. At the time of my birth in 1979, popularity of circumcision reached a record high in the United States at 85% (see here). True, since 1979, new shit has come to light about circumcision, namely that all that stuff about it preventing penile cancer and facilitating genital hygiene may not be as true (or at least unassailable) as it was once thought. And as the CNN article implies, an increasing number of people view circumcision as unnecessary and potentially harmful.
I readily concede these points. But then there’s this: uncircumcised birds look like aliens.
Four of my buddies in college – out of a few dozen – were uncircumcised. They celebrated this and I admit, I was a little jealous of their exclusive little club and their weekly "Guys With Covered Wagons" poker games. But still, being a member of an exclusive club - even one that played poker every Wednesday night and got those potato skins from Rogie’s that were covered in sour cream – is not worth walking around with a penis that looks like a sausage.
Since I am circumcised, I intend for all of my male progeny to be circumcised as well, regardless of potential health benefit (although that’d certainly be a plus) or possible pain (don’t be a pussy – I don’t remember feeling a thing). The reason why I’d like my sons to be circumcised is that I don’t feel that I could properly relate to them if we had different-looking birds.
I’ve seen my fair share of uncircumcised birds, both after Billy Joel concerts and in countless hours of pornography, and in short, they terrify me. Admittedly, my natural inclination is to fear and hate what I don’t understand (dry ice, the Swedish language, love, etc), so when it comes to matters of the penis, a sensitive (get it?) topic to begin with, it should not come as a surprise that I have such a strong opinion in this matter. And I don’t mean to overly come down on my uncut friends – if your parents were hippies or immigrants or poor or wanted women to recoil at the sight of your penis later in your life, that’s fine, man. You know what I always say – when you’re judgin’, you’re not lovin’. But I just don’t see how there’s any way, when the doctor asks my wife/girlfriend/driver whether or not we’d like our son to be circumcised, I’ll say, "Fuck it - let him keep the alien bird. If he’s anything like his old man, the women he’ll be involved with won’t be able to tell if it’s a penis or a finger or a strong breeze anyway, so I might as well save the $1200."
(I confess that I have thought about a scenario in which if I had two male children, one of them would be circumcised while the other would not. This would serve as a real-life science experiment to discover once and for all which is better: to be circumcised or to be uncircumcised. However, after spending a few weeks thinking about it, I came to the "duh" conclusion that both my theoretical male offspring would be so fucked up anyway (think: bat wings, fangs, etc) that they would not make for an ideal sample of the population and the experiment would be useless.)
Because I will surely have so little to bond over or talk about with my sons, at least I can ensure that our birds look the same. I can and I must. Statistics, CNN and the liberal media, and the influx of Asian and Latin American immigrants be damned – my sons are gonna get their birds chopped, just like their Pappy did. That, my friends, is an example of a true American standing up for what he believes in. God bless America, God bless me, and, most importantly, God bless my normal-looking bird.
(Well, it’s kinda normal. It’s just miniature, more like a toddler’s than a grown man’s. Which is really a matter we should tackle another day.)
According to a study by the National Health and Social Life Survey, the U.S. circumcision rate peaked at nearly 90 percent in the early 1960s but began dropping in the ’70s. By 2004, the most recent year for which government figures are available, about 57 percent of all male newborns delivered in hospitals were circumcised. In some states, the rate is well below 50 percent.
The article continues:
[Circumcision] is most prevalent in the upper Midwest. In 2004, according to data compiled by the federal Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, more than 79 percent of newborn boys in the Midwest were circumcised before leaving the hospital. Michigan and Kentucky had the highest rates, at 85 percent.
In the fast-growing West, the rate declined dramatically — from 64 percent in 1979 to just under 32 percent in 2004.
In California, the rate of hospital circumcisions among newborns was 21 percent. California — which has more immigrants than any other state — had the lowest circumcision rate in the study, which had comprehensive data on only 27 states.
I mean, crap.
Those who know me know that I am passionate about few things – creamed chipped beef, masturbating in front of a mirror, and, well, that’s about it. Those and, of course, circumcision.
I am about as pro-circumcision as they come. While the jury is still out about whether or not I can actually procreate a non-dragon child, if I do have a son, he will certainly be circumcised - even if I have to perform the operation myself or with the aide of a Franciscan monk and doctor named Michel. This is not because I believe in the health benefits of circumcision but for one simple reason: uncircumcised birds look totally fucking weird.
I, as you might have surmised, am circumcised. I am sure that when my parents made the decision to have me circumcised, it was based on a simple factor – that’s just what you do. At the time of my birth in 1979, popularity of circumcision reached a record high in the United States at 85% (see here). True, since 1979, new shit has come to light about circumcision, namely that all that stuff about it preventing penile cancer and facilitating genital hygiene may not be as true (or at least unassailable) as it was once thought. And as the CNN article implies, an increasing number of people view circumcision as unnecessary and potentially harmful.
I readily concede these points. But then there’s this: uncircumcised birds look like aliens.
Four of my buddies in college – out of a few dozen – were uncircumcised. They celebrated this and I admit, I was a little jealous of their exclusive little club and their weekly "Guys With Covered Wagons" poker games. But still, being a member of an exclusive club - even one that played poker every Wednesday night and got those potato skins from Rogie’s that were covered in sour cream – is not worth walking around with a penis that looks like a sausage.
Since I am circumcised, I intend for all of my male progeny to be circumcised as well, regardless of potential health benefit (although that’d certainly be a plus) or possible pain (don’t be a pussy – I don’t remember feeling a thing). The reason why I’d like my sons to be circumcised is that I don’t feel that I could properly relate to them if we had different-looking birds.
I’ve seen my fair share of uncircumcised birds, both after Billy Joel concerts and in countless hours of pornography, and in short, they terrify me. Admittedly, my natural inclination is to fear and hate what I don’t understand (dry ice, the Swedish language, love, etc), so when it comes to matters of the penis, a sensitive (get it?) topic to begin with, it should not come as a surprise that I have such a strong opinion in this matter. And I don’t mean to overly come down on my uncut friends – if your parents were hippies or immigrants or poor or wanted women to recoil at the sight of your penis later in your life, that’s fine, man. You know what I always say – when you’re judgin’, you’re not lovin’. But I just don’t see how there’s any way, when the doctor asks my wife/girlfriend/driver whether or not we’d like our son to be circumcised, I’ll say, "Fuck it - let him keep the alien bird. If he’s anything like his old man, the women he’ll be involved with won’t be able to tell if it’s a penis or a finger or a strong breeze anyway, so I might as well save the $1200."
(I confess that I have thought about a scenario in which if I had two male children, one of them would be circumcised while the other would not. This would serve as a real-life science experiment to discover once and for all which is better: to be circumcised or to be uncircumcised. However, after spending a few weeks thinking about it, I came to the "duh" conclusion that both my theoretical male offspring would be so fucked up anyway (think: bat wings, fangs, etc) that they would not make for an ideal sample of the population and the experiment would be useless.)
Because I will surely have so little to bond over or talk about with my sons, at least I can ensure that our birds look the same. I can and I must. Statistics, CNN and the liberal media, and the influx of Asian and Latin American immigrants be damned – my sons are gonna get their birds chopped, just like their Pappy did. That, my friends, is an example of a true American standing up for what he believes in. God bless America, God bless me, and, most importantly, God bless my normal-looking bird.
(Well, it’s kinda normal. It’s just miniature, more like a toddler’s than a grown man’s. Which is really a matter we should tackle another day.)
