an open letter to the girl in the white dress from joseph arthur’s gallery opening in brooklyn on friday night who looked like jenny lewis
2 October 2007
Dear Jenny,
First, I apologize. I realize that your name is probably not Jenny, but I feel that "To Whom It May Concern" or "Foxy Lady" or "Giver of Handjobs to Jason Mulgrew for the Next Five to Sixty Years" is not an appropriate way to address you in such a letter. So I will call you Jenny, because of your similarity in appearance to Jenny Lewis, the lead singer of the band Rilo Kiley. I hope you realize that this is a compliment; I think that in addition to being very talented – even though "Under the Blacklight" is a little too dance-friendly for me – Jenny Lewis is a very beautiful woman. And I actually prefer your hair color, which is more of a strawberry blonde, to Jenny’s red locks. Either way, I’d totally love to do both of you. Preferably at the same time. Preferably under a waterfall. At any rate, I hope you forgive me for calling you Jenny.
But to the point: I am writing to you today to discuss the simple fact that you and I, we are in love. Also, my name is Jason. So, hi.
Make no mistake, though it is your beauty that first drew me to you, it is not the only thing that I find appealing about you. Sure, your white dress was quintessential hipster-classy, showing me you had an edge and interesting taste but at the same time making it clear that you would not blow the bass player of the latest Interpol-inspired LES band du jour for some coke in the bathroom of the Delancey. This, I like.
But I am also compelled to you because we have so much in common, namely:
1) Our love of art. Since I met you – or rather saw you, since we didn’t actually speak or even make eye contact – at Joseph Arthur’s art gallery opening, I can only assume that you like art. Though Joseph’s was the first gallery opening I’ve ever been to, I do like art. I found Joseph’s paintings to be, for lack of a better expression, frigging awesome. I would only embarrass myself if I attempted to offer any further or serious criticism of his art, but I can say with honesty that I found his work colorful, and alternatively inspiring and frightening. His artwork touched me, made me think, made me smile, made me shudder – moved me. However, I must admit that I was on mushrooms while at the exhibit, so this may have something to do with how profoundly I was affected by the artwork. Because even though I took said mushrooms several hours earlier while at work, I was still really, really fucked up at the opening. I mean, really fucked up.
(Now that I think about it, it’s entirely possible that you were a figment of my imagination. If this is true, my bad. But I’m already into this letter, so I’m just gonna keep on going.)
2) Our love of the music of Joseph Arthur. Joseph and his band, the Lonely Astronauts, gave a little impromptu performance during the opening, which I found lovely. During this performance, I scanned the crowd and found you, over by the table with the free booze (don’t think that you didn’t score points for this, too) bobbing your head along to the music. Music is one of the most important things in my life, and I require any potential life-partner to have tastes in music as good as mine. Seeing how into the performance you were, mouthing the chorus to "Chicago" and even singing along to that new song that’s catchy as a mother fucker, well, it nearly melted my heart. Also, have I mentioned that you look like Jenny Lewis? With the boobs and everything?
This may sound like a lame cliché, but I think that you and I could make some lovely music together. Of course, it wouldn’t sound as good as Joseph’s Arthur’s – it would probably be mostly shrieking, the sound of a fat boy being hit with a wiffleball bat, and some wind chimes, all over the hum of a chintzy hotel’s generator – but it would be music nonetheless. And we would be making it. Without pants on.
3) Our locale. You were in Brooklyn for a gallery opening. Therefore, there is a good chance that you live in Brooklyn. Funny enough, I lived in Brooklyn. So we could talk about that. If you don’t live in Brooklyn, you probably live in the Lower East Side, another artsy area of town. As fate would have it, I lived in the Lower East Side. So we could also talk about that. Couples have gotten married over less.
4) Let’s just meet up and make out. I mean, whatever. We’re both adults. And making out is fun.
As I close this letter, perhaps you’d like to know a little bit about me. But I assure you that you do not need to know anything at all about me, since I’m am willing to change myself, my personality, and my wardrobe in whatever way you see fit in order to make you happy. Want me to get one of those adorable hipster haircuts? Done. Would you like me to quit my job, renounce all my non-thrift store-bought possessions, and dedicate my life to reading Celine? Not a problem. Want me to embrace all peoples and cultures and maybe hit the gym once or twice a week? Well, let’s start sleeping together first.
I hope this letter finds you well, flatters you, and is the first (possibly terrifying) step towards a new, better and exciting life for you. And me. The two of us. Without pants on.
Yours,
For always and ever,
While the ceremony of innocence drowns,
And I fill with passionate intensity,
- Jason MJPAE Mulgrew
First, I apologize. I realize that your name is probably not Jenny, but I feel that "To Whom It May Concern" or "Foxy Lady" or "Giver of Handjobs to Jason Mulgrew for the Next Five to Sixty Years" is not an appropriate way to address you in such a letter. So I will call you Jenny, because of your similarity in appearance to Jenny Lewis, the lead singer of the band Rilo Kiley. I hope you realize that this is a compliment; I think that in addition to being very talented – even though "Under the Blacklight" is a little too dance-friendly for me – Jenny Lewis is a very beautiful woman. And I actually prefer your hair color, which is more of a strawberry blonde, to Jenny’s red locks. Either way, I’d totally love to do both of you. Preferably at the same time. Preferably under a waterfall. At any rate, I hope you forgive me for calling you Jenny.
But to the point: I am writing to you today to discuss the simple fact that you and I, we are in love. Also, my name is Jason. So, hi.
Make no mistake, though it is your beauty that first drew me to you, it is not the only thing that I find appealing about you. Sure, your white dress was quintessential hipster-classy, showing me you had an edge and interesting taste but at the same time making it clear that you would not blow the bass player of the latest Interpol-inspired LES band du jour for some coke in the bathroom of the Delancey. This, I like.
But I am also compelled to you because we have so much in common, namely:
1) Our love of art. Since I met you – or rather saw you, since we didn’t actually speak or even make eye contact – at Joseph Arthur’s art gallery opening, I can only assume that you like art. Though Joseph’s was the first gallery opening I’ve ever been to, I do like art. I found Joseph’s paintings to be, for lack of a better expression, frigging awesome. I would only embarrass myself if I attempted to offer any further or serious criticism of his art, but I can say with honesty that I found his work colorful, and alternatively inspiring and frightening. His artwork touched me, made me think, made me smile, made me shudder – moved me. However, I must admit that I was on mushrooms while at the exhibit, so this may have something to do with how profoundly I was affected by the artwork. Because even though I took said mushrooms several hours earlier while at work, I was still really, really fucked up at the opening. I mean, really fucked up.
(Now that I think about it, it’s entirely possible that you were a figment of my imagination. If this is true, my bad. But I’m already into this letter, so I’m just gonna keep on going.)
2) Our love of the music of Joseph Arthur. Joseph and his band, the Lonely Astronauts, gave a little impromptu performance during the opening, which I found lovely. During this performance, I scanned the crowd and found you, over by the table with the free booze (don’t think that you didn’t score points for this, too) bobbing your head along to the music. Music is one of the most important things in my life, and I require any potential life-partner to have tastes in music as good as mine. Seeing how into the performance you were, mouthing the chorus to "Chicago" and even singing along to that new song that’s catchy as a mother fucker, well, it nearly melted my heart. Also, have I mentioned that you look like Jenny Lewis? With the boobs and everything?
This may sound like a lame cliché, but I think that you and I could make some lovely music together. Of course, it wouldn’t sound as good as Joseph’s Arthur’s – it would probably be mostly shrieking, the sound of a fat boy being hit with a wiffleball bat, and some wind chimes, all over the hum of a chintzy hotel’s generator – but it would be music nonetheless. And we would be making it. Without pants on.
3) Our locale. You were in Brooklyn for a gallery opening. Therefore, there is a good chance that you live in Brooklyn. Funny enough, I lived in Brooklyn. So we could talk about that. If you don’t live in Brooklyn, you probably live in the Lower East Side, another artsy area of town. As fate would have it, I lived in the Lower East Side. So we could also talk about that. Couples have gotten married over less.
4) Let’s just meet up and make out. I mean, whatever. We’re both adults. And making out is fun.
As I close this letter, perhaps you’d like to know a little bit about me. But I assure you that you do not need to know anything at all about me, since I’m am willing to change myself, my personality, and my wardrobe in whatever way you see fit in order to make you happy. Want me to get one of those adorable hipster haircuts? Done. Would you like me to quit my job, renounce all my non-thrift store-bought possessions, and dedicate my life to reading Celine? Not a problem. Want me to embrace all peoples and cultures and maybe hit the gym once or twice a week? Well, let’s start sleeping together first.
I hope this letter finds you well, flatters you, and is the first (possibly terrifying) step towards a new, better and exciting life for you. And me. The two of us. Without pants on.
Yours,
For always and ever,
While the ceremony of innocence drowns,
And I fill with passionate intensity,
- Jason MJPAE Mulgrew
