the engagement ring dossier
9 November 2007
Since I graduated high school ten years ago, I’ve noticed how the dilemmas, issues and questions in my life have changed over time.
High School
- I really need to get laid.
- Girls. Wow, are they uninterested in me.
- I guess I should apply to some colleges. Or something. Whatever.
- So is my penis going to stay this size forever? How does that work? Is this all there is?
- God, I need to touch some boobies.
College
- This whole "not living with my family" thing could really work out.
- So let me get this straight: If I’m drunk and a girl’s drunk, there is a greater chance we’re going to make out. This is big.
- These Stacker 2′s make writing papers much, much easier.
- I guess I should probably apply for some jobs. Or something. Whatever.
- Everyone experiments in college. And no one’s gonna deny John is a good-looking guy. Let it go. Not a big deal.
Post-College (The First Three Years, Ages 23-26)
- This whole "having money and living in NYC and buying all the recreational drugs I want" thing could really work out.
- My job sucks. My roommates are pigs.
- Condoms. Wow, are they overrated.
- Should I really be spending $7 for a bottle of Bud Light, times 30, every weekend?
- Everyone experiments in their early 20′s. And no one’s gonna deny Mike, Steve and Bill are good-looking guys. Let it go. Not a big deal.
- Ted, however, is not very good-looking.
- Neither is Tom.
- Or the other Steve.
Early Adulthood (The Pre-Thirty Years, Ages 27-29)
- This whole "spending tens of thousands of dollars a year on rent" thing is really not working out.
- While we’re at it, $500 a month on booze is unacceptable.
- Is my current job really where I want to be? Long-term, do I see myself at my company?
- Seriously, I guess my penis is done growing, right? Can someone at least confirm this for me?
- I guess I should probably start trying to save money for a house. Or something. Whatever.
- Bro, you’re gay. Or at least bi. Just roll with it. Or just get engaged to the next girl you date and be done with it.
It is that last issue that has most occupied my mind recently: engagement.
My friends are now getting engaged on at least a monthly basis, if not more frequently. This is a typical feature of late-twenties life, and inherently, there is nothing wrong with it. Love is magic and wonder, and it is only natural for two people in love to spend their lives together, because, you know, that’s what people do. So I guess that’s kinda the opposite of "natural." But as long as I get an open bar out of the deal, we cool.
And while I’m pretty far from getting engaged, seeing as my most intense and rewarding relationship was with a sausage and that ended eight years ago, I’m not bitter about all the engagement announcements that I’ve been receiving. But there is one thing that particularly piques my interest in all these engagement stories: the purchase of the ring.
I’ve gone on record to say that I find no fault with the engagement ring as a tradition. Yes, it’s a shame that poor people in Africa and South America work in horrible conditions and regularly die mining for those diamonds, but man, are they shiny. (The diamonds, not the people.) I’ve also gone on record to say that I have no problem paying or with other people paying a lot of money for an engagement ring. There are few things in life that one should really splurge on, and an engagement ring is perfectly splurge-worthy. It’s a symbol of love, it shows that your woman is now yours, it’s something that she’s going to show all her catty friends and family, and something she’ll wear every day for the rest of her life (or in my case, for about three and a half years). I don’t think one should take out a second mortgage to buy the thing, but guys, don’t be afraid to spend a little.
(And yes, girls, I’m only saying to get in your pants. While if you get engaged to me, your engagement party could double as a "farewell to orgasms" party, at least you’ll have a nice rock on your finger.)
But what piques my interest in all the engagement stories is this: How does the man physically, actually go about buying an engagement ring for his (potential) bride to be?
Historically, there have been two options:
1) He can purchase the ring with his lady. This ranges from the guy and girl actually hitting up jewelry stores, looking at rings, and perhaps even buying one together, to the guy unslyly prying information from his lady about her ring size and such, asking questions like, "Hypothetically, would you prefer a princess cut or an emerald cut?"
2) He can purchase the ring without his lady. The ranges from the guy asking his lady’s friends for hints and help about his lady’s tastes, to him boldly walking into a store, saying "Fuck it – I’ll take this one", and walking out with the ring.
Neither of these options are ideal. While the first is good because it allows for the fiancée’s input – she should have some input, since she’s gonna be the one wearing it – it takes all of the surprise about being engaged. Really, there are very few surprises in life (when your baby is born and you learn if it’s a girl or a boy or a halfie, when you get proposed to, when you girl/boy/halfie kid tells you it’s gay, etc), so why would you want to forsake one? And how lame is it for a girl to know what her ring is going to look like, or for her to answer questions about rings from her man on a daily basis for two weeks only to be promised to a month later? This is no fun. No fun at all.
By contrast, the second option allows for the element of surprise, no doubt. There’s nothing like you and your girlfriend, slogging along in your seemingly decades-old relationship, until one day she comes out of the shower and instead of finding you napping with a whiskey in your hand as she normally does, she finds your fat ass on bended knee with an engagement ring in your hand. Wowza. However, since you didn’t get any input from her about the ring, her surprise may give way to disgust when her rings looks like something you found on a beach somewhere or made with some broken glass and Elmer’s glue.
So what gives? Is it possible to combine both the element of surprise while still making an informed choice while purchasing a ring, guided by input from your fiancée?
There is. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a third option, far superior to the other two: the Engagement Ring Dossier.
The Engagement Ring Dossier (the ERD) is literally a dossier, created by your lady, filled with all the relevant information that a man needs to know when purchasing an engagement ring. It can include all manner of materials; in addition to basics like ring size and preferred diamond cut, it can include pictures, diagrams, drawings, locations of preferred jewelers, do’s and don’ts, top ten lists, etc. Nothing must be considered understood, and every last detail should be covered (for example, do not assume, ladies, that your man is not going to somehow sneak a Philadelphia Eagles logo on the underside of the ring band). The ERD is supposed to be a self-contained unit, something a man with an IQ of 80 and the refinement of a bag of rusted springs can receive, digest, and take into a jewelry store to sit down with the jeweler to figure out the ideal ring.
You’re probably thinking, "Well, that doesn’t sound like there’s any surprise in that at all." My response to that is: Well, if you shut the fuck up for like fifteen seconds, I’ll get to that part.
Just as important as the content of the ERD is the manner in which it is created and handled. Obviously, if one were to ask for the ERD from his girlfriend and then propose two weeks later, all surprise is lost. Instead, the ERD should be approached thusly:
- Figure out if you love the girl you’re dating. If so, congrats.
- Figure out if you’re 80% or more sure you want to marry her. If so, congrats again. Two for two, bro.
- Pick a milestone: the next Valentine’s Day, her birthday, your anniversary, Christmas, the date you’re moving in together, etc.
- Six to eight weeks prior this milestone, say something like: "Honey, I love you. And someday – not someday soon, but someday – I want to marry you. Probably. Anyway, I want it to be a surprise, so here’s what I think we should do. In [six to eight] weeks, it’ll be [milestone]. Between now and then, I want you to collect some information for me about what kind of engagement ring you’d like. Include everything and anything, the more thorough – while still being readable – the better. Then, on [milestone], give me this dossier. That way, when we think we’re ready for marriage and I’m ready to propose – which may be months or years, several years – I’ll know exactly what kind of ring you’d like without having to ask you about it and spoil the surprise."
- On the date of the milestone, receive the dossier from your lady. Do it with her.
- Upon receipt of the dossier, explain that you will spend two weeks reviewing the information alone, making sure everything is understood.
- At the end of the two weeks, you and your lady should have a Q&A session, hammering out any unclear details.
- When this Q&A session is over, do it.
- Nice.
- Never mention the ERD again. Hide it someplace safe and only bring it out when you’re going to buy a ring.
This is all pretty simple stuff, but I urge you to make one thing abundantly clear: make sure it is understood that you will not be proposing any time immediately after receiving the ERD. Be sure to stress that a) you love her very much, but b) you’re not ready right now, and c) you want it to be a surprise, so d) this is the best solution, since you don’t want to be one of those couples that go shopping for rings, nor do you trust yourself with making such an important decision, especially regarding something that she’ll be wearing for the rest of her life. As long as this is understood, things should go smoothly with the ERD. Or she’ll bring up how much time you’ve spent on cumonmyglasses.com. If she does, you should probably end all talk of engagement. A good wife would never make you choose between her and women wearing glasses getting ejaculated upon. I mean, for real.
************
While my experience in getting engaged is limited to getting high, eating ice cream, watching "Love Actually" and then spending two hours looking on the Tiffany’s website, I think the Engagement Ring Dossier represents the ideal solution to the dilemma of ring buying. It maintains a high degree of surprise while allowing for maximum input from the future fiancée. I’ve kicked this idea around to a few friends, men and women, and they all seem to think it’s a good idea too. Of course, many of them also seem to think it’s a good idea to loan me money, but that’s neither here nor there. When I’m ready to get engaged, I’m going with the ERD approach. And I encourage you to do the same.
(Now, if I could only find a woman. Preferably one who wears glasses and isn’t afraid of a little spooge.)
High School
- I really need to get laid.
- Girls. Wow, are they uninterested in me.
- I guess I should apply to some colleges. Or something. Whatever.
- So is my penis going to stay this size forever? How does that work? Is this all there is?
- God, I need to touch some boobies.
College
- This whole "not living with my family" thing could really work out.
- So let me get this straight: If I’m drunk and a girl’s drunk, there is a greater chance we’re going to make out. This is big.
- These Stacker 2′s make writing papers much, much easier.
- I guess I should probably apply for some jobs. Or something. Whatever.
- Everyone experiments in college. And no one’s gonna deny John is a good-looking guy. Let it go. Not a big deal.
Post-College (The First Three Years, Ages 23-26)
- This whole "having money and living in NYC and buying all the recreational drugs I want" thing could really work out.
- My job sucks. My roommates are pigs.
- Condoms. Wow, are they overrated.
- Should I really be spending $7 for a bottle of Bud Light, times 30, every weekend?
- Everyone experiments in their early 20′s. And no one’s gonna deny Mike, Steve and Bill are good-looking guys. Let it go. Not a big deal.
- Ted, however, is not very good-looking.
- Neither is Tom.
- Or the other Steve.
Early Adulthood (The Pre-Thirty Years, Ages 27-29)
- This whole "spending tens of thousands of dollars a year on rent" thing is really not working out.
- While we’re at it, $500 a month on booze is unacceptable.
- Is my current job really where I want to be? Long-term, do I see myself at my company?
- Seriously, I guess my penis is done growing, right? Can someone at least confirm this for me?
- I guess I should probably start trying to save money for a house. Or something. Whatever.
- Bro, you’re gay. Or at least bi. Just roll with it. Or just get engaged to the next girl you date and be done with it.
It is that last issue that has most occupied my mind recently: engagement.
My friends are now getting engaged on at least a monthly basis, if not more frequently. This is a typical feature of late-twenties life, and inherently, there is nothing wrong with it. Love is magic and wonder, and it is only natural for two people in love to spend their lives together, because, you know, that’s what people do. So I guess that’s kinda the opposite of "natural." But as long as I get an open bar out of the deal, we cool.
And while I’m pretty far from getting engaged, seeing as my most intense and rewarding relationship was with a sausage and that ended eight years ago, I’m not bitter about all the engagement announcements that I’ve been receiving. But there is one thing that particularly piques my interest in all these engagement stories: the purchase of the ring.
I’ve gone on record to say that I find no fault with the engagement ring as a tradition. Yes, it’s a shame that poor people in Africa and South America work in horrible conditions and regularly die mining for those diamonds, but man, are they shiny. (The diamonds, not the people.) I’ve also gone on record to say that I have no problem paying or with other people paying a lot of money for an engagement ring. There are few things in life that one should really splurge on, and an engagement ring is perfectly splurge-worthy. It’s a symbol of love, it shows that your woman is now yours, it’s something that she’s going to show all her catty friends and family, and something she’ll wear every day for the rest of her life (or in my case, for about three and a half years). I don’t think one should take out a second mortgage to buy the thing, but guys, don’t be afraid to spend a little.
(And yes, girls, I’m only saying to get in your pants. While if you get engaged to me, your engagement party could double as a "farewell to orgasms" party, at least you’ll have a nice rock on your finger.)
But what piques my interest in all the engagement stories is this: How does the man physically, actually go about buying an engagement ring for his (potential) bride to be?
Historically, there have been two options:
1) He can purchase the ring with his lady. This ranges from the guy and girl actually hitting up jewelry stores, looking at rings, and perhaps even buying one together, to the guy unslyly prying information from his lady about her ring size and such, asking questions like, "Hypothetically, would you prefer a princess cut or an emerald cut?"
2) He can purchase the ring without his lady. The ranges from the guy asking his lady’s friends for hints and help about his lady’s tastes, to him boldly walking into a store, saying "Fuck it – I’ll take this one", and walking out with the ring.
Neither of these options are ideal. While the first is good because it allows for the fiancée’s input – she should have some input, since she’s gonna be the one wearing it – it takes all of the surprise about being engaged. Really, there are very few surprises in life (when your baby is born and you learn if it’s a girl or a boy or a halfie, when you get proposed to, when you girl/boy/halfie kid tells you it’s gay, etc), so why would you want to forsake one? And how lame is it for a girl to know what her ring is going to look like, or for her to answer questions about rings from her man on a daily basis for two weeks only to be promised to a month later? This is no fun. No fun at all.
By contrast, the second option allows for the element of surprise, no doubt. There’s nothing like you and your girlfriend, slogging along in your seemingly decades-old relationship, until one day she comes out of the shower and instead of finding you napping with a whiskey in your hand as she normally does, she finds your fat ass on bended knee with an engagement ring in your hand. Wowza. However, since you didn’t get any input from her about the ring, her surprise may give way to disgust when her rings looks like something you found on a beach somewhere or made with some broken glass and Elmer’s glue.
So what gives? Is it possible to combine both the element of surprise while still making an informed choice while purchasing a ring, guided by input from your fiancée?
There is. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a third option, far superior to the other two: the Engagement Ring Dossier.
The Engagement Ring Dossier (the ERD) is literally a dossier, created by your lady, filled with all the relevant information that a man needs to know when purchasing an engagement ring. It can include all manner of materials; in addition to basics like ring size and preferred diamond cut, it can include pictures, diagrams, drawings, locations of preferred jewelers, do’s and don’ts, top ten lists, etc. Nothing must be considered understood, and every last detail should be covered (for example, do not assume, ladies, that your man is not going to somehow sneak a Philadelphia Eagles logo on the underside of the ring band). The ERD is supposed to be a self-contained unit, something a man with an IQ of 80 and the refinement of a bag of rusted springs can receive, digest, and take into a jewelry store to sit down with the jeweler to figure out the ideal ring.
You’re probably thinking, "Well, that doesn’t sound like there’s any surprise in that at all." My response to that is: Well, if you shut the fuck up for like fifteen seconds, I’ll get to that part.
Just as important as the content of the ERD is the manner in which it is created and handled. Obviously, if one were to ask for the ERD from his girlfriend and then propose two weeks later, all surprise is lost. Instead, the ERD should be approached thusly:
- Figure out if you love the girl you’re dating. If so, congrats.
- Figure out if you’re 80% or more sure you want to marry her. If so, congrats again. Two for two, bro.
- Pick a milestone: the next Valentine’s Day, her birthday, your anniversary, Christmas, the date you’re moving in together, etc.
- Six to eight weeks prior this milestone, say something like: "Honey, I love you. And someday – not someday soon, but someday – I want to marry you. Probably. Anyway, I want it to be a surprise, so here’s what I think we should do. In [six to eight] weeks, it’ll be [milestone]. Between now and then, I want you to collect some information for me about what kind of engagement ring you’d like. Include everything and anything, the more thorough – while still being readable – the better. Then, on [milestone], give me this dossier. That way, when we think we’re ready for marriage and I’m ready to propose – which may be months or years, several years – I’ll know exactly what kind of ring you’d like without having to ask you about it and spoil the surprise."
- On the date of the milestone, receive the dossier from your lady. Do it with her.
- Upon receipt of the dossier, explain that you will spend two weeks reviewing the information alone, making sure everything is understood.
- At the end of the two weeks, you and your lady should have a Q&A session, hammering out any unclear details.
- When this Q&A session is over, do it.
- Nice.
- Never mention the ERD again. Hide it someplace safe and only bring it out when you’re going to buy a ring.
This is all pretty simple stuff, but I urge you to make one thing abundantly clear: make sure it is understood that you will not be proposing any time immediately after receiving the ERD. Be sure to stress that a) you love her very much, but b) you’re not ready right now, and c) you want it to be a surprise, so d) this is the best solution, since you don’t want to be one of those couples that go shopping for rings, nor do you trust yourself with making such an important decision, especially regarding something that she’ll be wearing for the rest of her life. As long as this is understood, things should go smoothly with the ERD. Or she’ll bring up how much time you’ve spent on cumonmyglasses.com. If she does, you should probably end all talk of engagement. A good wife would never make you choose between her and women wearing glasses getting ejaculated upon. I mean, for real.
************
While my experience in getting engaged is limited to getting high, eating ice cream, watching "Love Actually" and then spending two hours looking on the Tiffany’s website, I think the Engagement Ring Dossier represents the ideal solution to the dilemma of ring buying. It maintains a high degree of surprise while allowing for maximum input from the future fiancée. I’ve kicked this idea around to a few friends, men and women, and they all seem to think it’s a good idea too. Of course, many of them also seem to think it’s a good idea to loan me money, but that’s neither here nor there. When I’m ready to get engaged, I’m going with the ERD approach. And I encourage you to do the same.
(Now, if I could only find a woman. Preferably one who wears glasses and isn’t afraid of a little spooge.)
