Six Reasons Why I’m Not Good (Life in General edition):

1) I have been washing myself with handsoap for the past four days.  Since this began when my regular soap ran out five days ago, I have walked by numerous Rite Aids, Duane Reades and other pharmacy-type stores, and each time thought to myself, "You know what? I should get some soap."  But each time, I immediately dismissed this idea, because I was either carrying rice pudding or rocking out to my iPod or, I don’t know, whatever it is I do when I walk around.

I predict that I will eventually get regular soap, but only three days after the handsoap runs out (the first and second days I’ll use shampoo, and then someone will make a comment about a "really strong Head ‘n’ Shoulders smell", then I’ll buy the regular soap).

2) I got my annual review this week at work, which was [confidential and potentially job-ending comments redacted].  My manager came to office to get me when it was time for this review.  When he knocked on my open door, I was standing over my chair, picking up a large chunk of jello that had fallen onto my chair – after bouncing off my lap – lifting it, and preparing to eat it.  Since my manager caught me, I did not eat it, and instead apologized and threw out the jello.

I was more upset about the discarded jello than the review.

3) My apartment is filled with static cling.  It’s everywhere.  Every time I walk by my couch, my shorts will pull toward it and when I’m in bed masturbating, I’m afraid I’m going to start a fire.  But still I have done nothing about it, because, frankly, I don’t know what to do and I really don’t care that much.

But it’s also on my jacket, which is a problem.  It’s a problem because I walk a lot, usually with my gym bag on my shoulder, and my iPod in my pocket on the same side as the gym bag.  Twice a day while walking, I’ll shift the gym bag, so it rubs against the coat and the iPod headphones, and this will send a small surge of electricity through my headphones and into my ears, causing me to scream "Fuck!" at various points in Chinatown/Little Italy/Soho.  For such a little shock, it’s not only surprisingly painful (I mean, it’s shooting in my ears, after all), but also incredibly annoying, kinda like getting stung by a bee.  And yet this happens to me every day, at least twice a day, and I do nothing to stop it.  And I probably won’t.    

4) My last time in LA, without getting too into it, I fell down a flight of stairs and landed on my computer, which I was carrying at the time on my shoulder.  I was late getting to work, so I got up, dusted myself off, and went on my way.  When I got to work, I turned the computer on and was relieved to find that nothing was wrong with it and it worked fine.

I didn’t realize what was wrong until the plane ride back to NYC when the DVD in my DVD drive would not come out when I pushed "eject."  I tried everything: pushing the eject button, dragging the DVD icon into the trash, ejecting through the file menu, even trying to pry the drive open with a plastic knife.  Nothing. 

This happened almost two months ago.  Since then, I’ve taken a number of train rides during which I could really have used a working DVD player.  This Sunday I leave for LA and I still haven’t gotten it fixed.  The worst part?  The DVD that’s jammed is "An Inconvenient Truth."  I will be watching "An Inconvenient Truth" (which I got from NetFlix) for as long as I have my computer.

5) Prior to this morning, you could have killed a cockroach in a corner with my toenails.  Goodness gracious.  They looked like the toenails of a llama and were simply fierce.  And to be honest, I only cut them this morning because I didn’t pick up my laundry yesterday (worked until 10pm, which was great) and I’m down to my crappiest socks, which are worn at the toes, and I was concerned that my toenails would pierce through the socks like bullets through a practice jersey.

6) I usually walk to and from work, but recently it’s been so cold that I can’t make the 28 minute walk.  This is a shame, because I love the walk – it gives me time to think, time to prepare for the day, and time to rock the fuck out.  This morning, after not making my walk for several days, despite temperatures in the 20′s, I decide to say "F it" and walk to work.  Not a good idea.

It’s the afternoon and I still can’t feel several of my toes.  I blame this entirely on the fact that they didn’t have my long toenails to shield them from the cold.

I mean, fuck.

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Six Bets

It’s official: I’m the worst gambler in the world.  Great year last year, witness-protection-inducing year this year.

So I’m not going to make any bets this week, even though I can only improve on my 3-15 record (not sure if it’s exactly that, but it sure feels like it).  I will only say that Browns seem like free money to me, and the fact that the Eagles are giving 2.5 makes me chuckle a little bit, but that’s it.  Good luck and godspeed. 

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Six Songs

"Drive My Car"  Two Gallants
The intro sounds like being fucked up and having sex in winter on the cold sand below a (still open and operating) boardwalk amusement park.  The rest of the song is pretty good, too.

"Red Rabbits"  The Shins
I’ve pimped this song before, but it’s worth doing so again.  And I’ll say the same thing I said last time: This is a key song on my “Let’s Make Out or Something” playlist, not because it’s romantic (I don’t even know what the hell this song is about), but because it’s genuinely disorienting.  But it’s not disorienting in a creepy way (you know, like the way that I typically make out); it’s got an ethereal quality to it that’s quite soothing.  I’ve never heard anything quite like it, and I strongly recommend you give it a listen, if only perhaps to email me to help me figure out exactly what I’m trying to say.  Fun fact: This is the second most played song on my iTunes.  The first?  See answer below.

"You Only Live Once"  The Strokes
Party song.  Perfect.  When I hear this, I need either get my hands on a beer or start dancing in under two minutes, or else things will get ugly.   

"Every Time I Try"  That Dog
I know they’re a bit girly (and by that I mean, a lot girly), but I love this band and its sound; songs that are either catchy (like this one) or very sad, with gorgeous harmonies, piano, strings, and electric guitars.  They’ve been broken up for a long time, but more people should know about them.    

"Loving You"  Paolo Nutini
Acoustic-based jam about doing it that’s easy to play and sing (not as good as Paolo, but still).  If this doesn’t put you in the mood, I mean, you probably have no genitals. 

"All That I Want"  The Weepies
Another re-pimp, but a perfect saccharine-sweet love song for the holidays due to its liberal use of sleigh bells.  I hope that it snows before Christmas so that I can curl up with a pint of ice cream, listen to this song, then switch to whiskey and water, put on “Love Actually” and sob like a mother fucker.  I love the holidays. 

[The most played song on my iTunes is Joseph Arthur’s “Echo Park.”]

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This weekend is the last weekend that I will spend in NYC with my friend and old roommate (for four of my six years in NYC), Brian, before he moves to LA after the New Year.  Many of you know Brian, as I’ve written about the antics we’ve shared over the years so much that, with apologies to Site Guy Brendan, he’s probably the second main character in this here blog.  I will more properly eulogize his time later, but, without any having any expectations for a great or wild weekend, I will say this: I think we’re going to drink a lot of beer this weekend.  Wish us luck.

[Have a good weekend]