belt, hw, bets, music
4 January 2008
First, you need to know that I forgot to wear a belt to work today. No belt. At all. Not only do I look ridiculous, but I have a meeting this afternoon that will require me to stand in front of people and talk. Without a belt on. So that’s great.
Second, before we get to football picks (so, you know, you can bet against them) and music, two quick emails about the Hot Whopper that I thought were worth sharing. The first is from Steve and was sent immediately after the post was put up:
I hate you. Before today, I was perfectly content getting on a plane, but now every time I fly I’m going to be paranoid as fuck the entire time. Not only have I never gotten a hot whopper (awesome name by the way), I’ve never heard of this happening to anyone before; ever. And as I’m taking practically the same route you did in two days (LAX to EWR… from Jersey, live in Los Angeles now), I’m doomed to get a HW. You see, I’m that guy things like that happen to. You know what I mean.
And if this doesn’t happen to me, I’m still fucked because I won’t be able to think about anything the entire time I fly for the rest of my living days. Way to ruin my life, punk.
God forbid what happens if I actually get one of these and then serendipitously run into you and recognize you in New York City over the next two weeks… that is not a threat, just me expressing how painful you made that experience sound. Good descriptive writing. But I still hate you.
Steve’s was a pretty common reaction – that I essentially ruined flying for everyone by putting the fear of the Hot Whopper in them. I understand where Steve and the others are coming from, but hear me now: If my post prevented even one of you from having a Hot Whopper, then it was worth it. As I learned since the last Hot Whopper, mostly from you guys and stuff I’m going to make up right now, some people are prone to HWs and others are not. All you need to do to prevent the HW is a shot of Afrin in each nostril one hour before flying. That’s it. So while I understand Steve’s frustration, he and the others who felt the same way must understand that the pain of the Hot Whopper is excruciating, and our awareness of the HW needs to be raised so that we can prevent it.
What, you think the guy who first told people cocaine was bad or there was such a thing as AIDS was well-received? C’mon, people.
This second email comes from Bob from Philly, which I got just yesterday:
I read your hot whopper story and after nearly two weeks of no posts – i was sure you had passed away.
you see, i had a hot whopper landing in Split, Croatia this past summer. In the last minute of our descent it started – and i REALLY thought i was dying. after all, how could i live 35 years without a similarly horrificly painful experience? i figured this is what people must feel like right before a brain hemorrage. it’s the kind of pain that makes you want to punch yourself in the eye – not knowing why. plus, i was landing in a former Communist country on a former communist airline (Croatian Airlines) and the planes would have definitely dated back to fascism - and it wouldn’t be suprising if some communist mechanic made a mistake 20 years ago repairing the cabin that was finally killing me. the piercing pain was so bad i could not speak and explain to my fiance what was going on. it lasted about 5 minutes after we landed…residual pain lasting for another couple hours. it was so bad i felt panicked. luckily it slowly subsided.
then i thought – if you died and we both had hot whoppers – "am i a ticking timebomb?" of course i’m kidding – but the thought did cross my mind.
glad you’re alive.
Bob was the other side of the coin: those who have gotten Hot Whoppers in the past. Bob’s story was like many others, a descent in a plane leading to a head explosion. And Bob makes a point that my buddy Dave, who had the original Hot Whopper, made after reading my post – he honestly thought he was dying. I can vouch that the pain of the HW is far different and far more intense than any other pain I’ve experienced, and so it wouldn’t surprise me if I was having some sort of brain aneurysm or hemorrhage. I was relatively "calm" after my first Hot Whopper in 2000 only because Dave had gotten one a week prior. If I had no knowledge of the HW and was sitting on a plane and it landed, I surely would have cried and scrawled out some death letter between the tears, snot and drool, and perhaps would have even had a self-induced heart attack out of fear.
So while I’m sorry I had to scare many of you, I’m glad that I wrote the Hot Whopper post. In the future, just try to be cautious and carry Afrin. And if you do get a Hot Whopper, at least you know what it is and that you’re not actually dying – just in for a tremendous amount of pain and discomfort. Godspeed.
(Happy New Year!)
******************
Here are some picks for this weekend’s games:
(6) Redskins (+3.5) over (3) SEAHAWKS
Though I think Seattle is a great city and I look forward to returning there in the spring to defend my West Coast Wine Drinking Competition title, I’ve been down on the Seahawks all season. Also, I still feel kinda guilty for all the Sean Taylor jokes. The Skins have had to play the Cowboys, Giants and Eagles six times, while the ‘Hawks played the Cardinals, Nashua Catholic High School, and a team comprised of six Japanese tourists, a couple of dead guys, and me and my brother six times.
(4) STEELERS (+2.5) over (5) Jaguars
Is there anyone that likes the Steelers in this game? Seriously? Anyone? Everything that’s been written has been about how great Jacksonville is playing and how handily they’ve beaten the Steelers, whose defense has been atrocious recently and who’ve lost their star running back. But what happens is the Steelers go up early?
(5) Giants (+3) over (4) BUCS
The Bucs are another team I’ve been down on all season, and since I called him a "first round exit waiting to happen," I have to stick to my guns. The Giants are 7-1 on the road this season, which may be meaningless, but playing in Tampa is not like playing in Lambeau to begin with.
(3) CHARGERS (-10) over (6) Titans
Everyone likes the Chargers here. Easy to see why.
As for the rest of the postseason:
Divisional Playoffs
(1) COWBOYS over (6) Redskins
(2) PACKERS over (5) Giants
(1) PATRIOTS over (4) Steelers
(3) Chargers over (2) COLTS
Conference Championships
(2) Packers over (1) DALLAS
(1) PATRIOTS over (3) Chargers
Super Bowl
Patriots over Packers
Fucking Massholes.
******************
Six Songs
"Too Many Teardrops" Nick Lowe
Nick Lowe is rocking my world right now. I’m in love with this song, which is about catchy, poppy number about crying over a girl, because it has this incredibly odd and oddly placed line: "I’m a tad turned on/In the long dark night." Every other line is about sadness and crying over a chick, but this guy slips in about how he’s kinda turned on? Huh? If you can’t find this one, try "Marie Provost", "Half A Boy and Half A Man" and "I Love the Sound of Breaking Glass."
"I Can Sing A Rainbow – Love Is Blue" The Dells
It’s the mother fucking Captain Noah song!
"One Plus One Is One" Badly Drawn Boy
I’m pretty sure there’s never going to be a "Behind the Music"-type show made about my life, but if there is, I would like this song to be playing as we trace my downward spiral into pot and porn addiction through a series of poignant black and white photos, depicting me smoking from a bong amidst a crowd of hangers on; a view from the back of me sitting at my desk masturbating to red tube; a close up of my face holding a joint and looking confused; a shot of me on top of a woman, making love to her, looking at an open spread from Oui magazine, since that’s the only way I can ejaculate; me naked in the tub with another joint with a glass of red wine and a revolver sitting on the ledge of the tub – you get the point.
"Hotel Room" Richard Hawley
British, baritoney, sad, 50′s sounding, cool.
"Custard Pie" Led Zeppelin
Probably the most perfect guitar solo I’ve ever heard. Nasty and dirty and kinky and fucky.
"Shine Sweet Freedom" Michael McDonald
As we head into the weekend, please take the time to watch this video, one of my favorites. All hell breaks loose just after the two minute mark. Wow. I wish I had buddies like these.
[youtube]VM14eXNONh0[/youtube]
[Have a good weekend]
Second, before we get to football picks (so, you know, you can bet against them) and music, two quick emails about the Hot Whopper that I thought were worth sharing. The first is from Steve and was sent immediately after the post was put up:
I hate you. Before today, I was perfectly content getting on a plane, but now every time I fly I’m going to be paranoid as fuck the entire time. Not only have I never gotten a hot whopper (awesome name by the way), I’ve never heard of this happening to anyone before; ever. And as I’m taking practically the same route you did in two days (LAX to EWR… from Jersey, live in Los Angeles now), I’m doomed to get a HW. You see, I’m that guy things like that happen to. You know what I mean.
And if this doesn’t happen to me, I’m still fucked because I won’t be able to think about anything the entire time I fly for the rest of my living days. Way to ruin my life, punk.
God forbid what happens if I actually get one of these and then serendipitously run into you and recognize you in New York City over the next two weeks… that is not a threat, just me expressing how painful you made that experience sound. Good descriptive writing. But I still hate you.
Steve’s was a pretty common reaction – that I essentially ruined flying for everyone by putting the fear of the Hot Whopper in them. I understand where Steve and the others are coming from, but hear me now: If my post prevented even one of you from having a Hot Whopper, then it was worth it. As I learned since the last Hot Whopper, mostly from you guys and stuff I’m going to make up right now, some people are prone to HWs and others are not. All you need to do to prevent the HW is a shot of Afrin in each nostril one hour before flying. That’s it. So while I understand Steve’s frustration, he and the others who felt the same way must understand that the pain of the Hot Whopper is excruciating, and our awareness of the HW needs to be raised so that we can prevent it.
What, you think the guy who first told people cocaine was bad or there was such a thing as AIDS was well-received? C’mon, people.
This second email comes from Bob from Philly, which I got just yesterday:
I read your hot whopper story and after nearly two weeks of no posts – i was sure you had passed away.
you see, i had a hot whopper landing in Split, Croatia this past summer. In the last minute of our descent it started – and i REALLY thought i was dying. after all, how could i live 35 years without a similarly horrificly painful experience? i figured this is what people must feel like right before a brain hemorrage. it’s the kind of pain that makes you want to punch yourself in the eye – not knowing why. plus, i was landing in a former Communist country on a former communist airline (Croatian Airlines) and the planes would have definitely dated back to fascism - and it wouldn’t be suprising if some communist mechanic made a mistake 20 years ago repairing the cabin that was finally killing me. the piercing pain was so bad i could not speak and explain to my fiance what was going on. it lasted about 5 minutes after we landed…residual pain lasting for another couple hours. it was so bad i felt panicked. luckily it slowly subsided.
then i thought – if you died and we both had hot whoppers – "am i a ticking timebomb?" of course i’m kidding – but the thought did cross my mind.
glad you’re alive.
Bob was the other side of the coin: those who have gotten Hot Whoppers in the past. Bob’s story was like many others, a descent in a plane leading to a head explosion. And Bob makes a point that my buddy Dave, who had the original Hot Whopper, made after reading my post – he honestly thought he was dying. I can vouch that the pain of the HW is far different and far more intense than any other pain I’ve experienced, and so it wouldn’t surprise me if I was having some sort of brain aneurysm or hemorrhage. I was relatively "calm" after my first Hot Whopper in 2000 only because Dave had gotten one a week prior. If I had no knowledge of the HW and was sitting on a plane and it landed, I surely would have cried and scrawled out some death letter between the tears, snot and drool, and perhaps would have even had a self-induced heart attack out of fear.
So while I’m sorry I had to scare many of you, I’m glad that I wrote the Hot Whopper post. In the future, just try to be cautious and carry Afrin. And if you do get a Hot Whopper, at least you know what it is and that you’re not actually dying – just in for a tremendous amount of pain and discomfort. Godspeed.
(Happy New Year!)
******************
Here are some picks for this weekend’s games:
(6) Redskins (+3.5) over (3) SEAHAWKS
Though I think Seattle is a great city and I look forward to returning there in the spring to defend my West Coast Wine Drinking Competition title, I’ve been down on the Seahawks all season. Also, I still feel kinda guilty for all the Sean Taylor jokes. The Skins have had to play the Cowboys, Giants and Eagles six times, while the ‘Hawks played the Cardinals, Nashua Catholic High School, and a team comprised of six Japanese tourists, a couple of dead guys, and me and my brother six times.
(4) STEELERS (+2.5) over (5) Jaguars
Is there anyone that likes the Steelers in this game? Seriously? Anyone? Everything that’s been written has been about how great Jacksonville is playing and how handily they’ve beaten the Steelers, whose defense has been atrocious recently and who’ve lost their star running back. But what happens is the Steelers go up early?
(5) Giants (+3) over (4) BUCS
The Bucs are another team I’ve been down on all season, and since I called him a "first round exit waiting to happen," I have to stick to my guns. The Giants are 7-1 on the road this season, which may be meaningless, but playing in Tampa is not like playing in Lambeau to begin with.
(3) CHARGERS (-10) over (6) Titans
Everyone likes the Chargers here. Easy to see why.
As for the rest of the postseason:
Divisional Playoffs
(1) COWBOYS over (6) Redskins
(2) PACKERS over (5) Giants
(1) PATRIOTS over (4) Steelers
(3) Chargers over (2) COLTS
Conference Championships
(2) Packers over (1) DALLAS
(1) PATRIOTS over (3) Chargers
Super Bowl
Patriots over Packers
Fucking Massholes.
******************
Six Songs
"Too Many Teardrops" Nick Lowe
Nick Lowe is rocking my world right now. I’m in love with this song, which is about catchy, poppy number about crying over a girl, because it has this incredibly odd and oddly placed line: "I’m a tad turned on/In the long dark night." Every other line is about sadness and crying over a chick, but this guy slips in about how he’s kinda turned on? Huh? If you can’t find this one, try "Marie Provost", "Half A Boy and Half A Man" and "I Love the Sound of Breaking Glass."
"I Can Sing A Rainbow – Love Is Blue" The Dells
It’s the mother fucking Captain Noah song!
"One Plus One Is One" Badly Drawn Boy
I’m pretty sure there’s never going to be a "Behind the Music"-type show made about my life, but if there is, I would like this song to be playing as we trace my downward spiral into pot and porn addiction through a series of poignant black and white photos, depicting me smoking from a bong amidst a crowd of hangers on; a view from the back of me sitting at my desk masturbating to red tube; a close up of my face holding a joint and looking confused; a shot of me on top of a woman, making love to her, looking at an open spread from Oui magazine, since that’s the only way I can ejaculate; me naked in the tub with another joint with a glass of red wine and a revolver sitting on the ledge of the tub – you get the point.
"Hotel Room" Richard Hawley
British, baritoney, sad, 50′s sounding, cool.
"Custard Pie" Led Zeppelin
Probably the most perfect guitar solo I’ve ever heard. Nasty and dirty and kinky and fucky.
"Shine Sweet Freedom" Michael McDonald
As we head into the weekend, please take the time to watch this video, one of my favorites. All hell breaks loose just after the two minute mark. Wow. I wish I had buddies like these.
[youtube]VM14eXNONh0[/youtube]
[Have a good weekend]
