2008 resolutions (booze, god, threesome)
9 January 2008
I don’t want to look back on 2007. This is not because it pains me or makes me nostalgic, but mostly because I’m tired right now.
So instead, let’s focus on what 2008 holds. I’m going to keep it very simple this year and go with only three resolutions, all of which (I think) are very attainable.
1) Find a bar. I am jealous of my friend Brendan, who lives in Hoboken. Not because he lives in Hoboken – Lord, the idea of being jealous of someone because they live in Hoboken is laughable – but because he has a neighborhood bar. Somewhere between once a day and once a week on his way home from work, Brendan will pop into his local bar, relax, chat with the bartender, have a beer or two (or several more), and then head home.
This, to me, sounds like heaven. To get home from a hard day of work, to alleviate stress by sitting alone at a bar, sipping a pint of good beer – I have an erection as I write this right now. Well, now it’s gone. Wait – it’s back. (I don’t type fast enough to keep up with the mood swings of my penis.)
The problem is that I do not live in Hoboken, which has a bar seemingly every 20 feet, but rather in Chinatown/Little Italy, which, I would argue, has fewer bars per square block than any other neighborhood of Manhattan. And what bars there are are either grossly Italianized dives that cater to tourists or strictly for local Chinamen. So I’m out of luck.
However, there is hope. Every day, I walk to and from work in the Financial District. There are plenty of bars in the Financial District, but part of the point of a "neighborhood" bar is a place that I can drink at and then stumble home, without needing to take a cab or walk 25 minutes. So I turn my sights to a new area: Tribeca. There are a number of shitty dive-like bars in Tribeca on the west side of Broadway, an locale that I rarely venture into.
Thus my #1 resolution: Find a bar in Tribeca near my apartment that I can hit after work, get a little soused alone, then walk home from. Maybe it says something about my ambition or alcoholism or misanthropy that this is my main goal for 2008. Or maybe it says I’m awesome. I think we all know the correct answer.
2) Get religious. As many of you know, God and I have been trying to destroy each other since 1994. To be honest, I don’t even remember what our initial feud was about - I think it started at a barbeque at my Uncle Mikey’s house in Jersey – but it’s been a back and forth battle throughout the years. On the one hand, I’ve risen from a poor, chubby, possibly homosexual child and teen to an adult with a lovely apartment in the heart of New York City, furnished with books and nice things. Me 1, God 0. On the other hand, I just went three days with my cable shut off because I couldn’t pay the bill and shortly before writing this post googled "medical experiments in NYC" to see if I could get paid for ingesting pills or otherwise sacrificing my body. God 1, Me 1/2. Also, I’m pretty sure only one of my testicles works anymore. God 2, Me 0.
But something is happening in my heart – and I don’t mean physically or biologically (I think). I’m starting to think about life and wondering if there’s more to it than drinking cans of Bud and watching "Jackass" and "Wildboyz" and using a blog as leverage to score naked pictures of readers of said blog (many of these pictures are not exactly tasteful, either).
And while I haven’t started attending Mass or anything, I – and I don’t even know how to write this without sounding weird – have been spending more time in churches. There are a lot of open churches of all denominations around city, including the areas of my weekly walks. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been stopping in these churches, checking them out, sitting down for a spell, just totally hanging out. I don’t know why. I think that it’s clear that I’m either approaching a mental breakdown or a newfound interest in religion. Since I’d like to stave off the mental breakdown for as long as possible – only because hearing about it would cause about six of my ex-girlfriends to say, "Ah ha! I could’ve told you that was coming!" – I think I’m going to figure out religion and what I think about it. I haven’t approached God yet about burying the hatchet and I don’t know exactly what I’m going to say to Him, but I hope He’s not a dick about it, which is really a 50-50 possibility (He can be kinda stubborn and vengeful).
3) Have a threesome. Every year, this is a resolution. And so far, nada.
But c’mon – this has to happen for me eventually, and 2008 is as good a year as any. The reason? Previously, I’ve been sitting around, doing nothing, hoping a threesome would fall conveniently in lap, that one night I’d be out at a bar and two girls would be drunk (and poor) enough for me to convince them into it, or one day an email would pop up in my inbox from one of you saying that you live in NYC and your friend is visiting from California and the two of you would be interested in a night in a swanky hotel room filled with Cognac and expensive booze and plush robes and wildflowers from Asia and the finest pornography the hotel has to offer so yes, let’s get together from some fun, in the nude, drunk as mad monkeys, all three of us, because the physical manifestation of love is magic, and magic is wonderful, and what’s the big deal anyway because it’d be a good story, something you could say you did, and above all, in conclusion, to recapitulate, making out is fun.
But this has yet to happen. And as the days go by, the odds of it happening are only decreasing (unless I hit the lottery or otherwise become rich and famous – without committing a felony). If I want to have a threesome, I’m going to have to actually work for it. I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to work for it, but I do have some ideas. Of course, none of them are very good and most involve a secret "love elixir" that I have been unsuccessfully trying to develop over my lunch break for the past eight weeks, but the point is that I’m trying and not just wishing.
I’m convinced of one thing – and tell me if I’m wrong here - if I had one willing participant, one girl willing to do it, I am pretty sure that I could get another girl fairly easily. If we’ve learned anything from the "Girls Gone Wild" series, it’s that women, plied with enough booze to kill a donkey and with moderately-serious daddy issues, will do certain things that didn’t think they were capable of. Also, humankind and history is filled with the examples of "I’ll do it if you do it" behavior:
[Plains of Africa, 150 million years ago]
Homonid One: "Look at Josh over there, walking upright. What a strange guy. He kinda creeps me out."
Homonid Two: "I don’t know, Ron…maybe Josh is on to something."
Homonid One: "What?"
Homonid Two: "I mean, my hands are getting pretty chipped up, using them as feet and all. And my back is fucking killing me. Maybe walking upright is not such a bad idea."
Homonid One: "Man - sorry, ‘Nid – I don’t even know who you are anymore, Steve. When did you get so freaky? And does Sarah know you want to try this?"
Homonid Two: "All I’m saying is, just try it. If you don’t like it, you can always go back to quadrupedal locomotion."
[Homonid Two (Steve) stands and walks a few feet. Homonid One (Ron) stands a walks a few feet next to him.]
Homonid One: "Yeah, this might work."
Homonid Two: "I think so."
******
[Town hall near Boston Harbor, 1773]
Sam Adams, Masshole Leader: "…And that’s the plan."
Masshole One: "Hold on – just hold on one fahking minute, duhd. Yaw saying that we’re going to dress up as Indians, board the ship, and drop all the fahking tea into the Hahbah. Right? Is that what yaw saying? Because if it is, it’s the dumbest fahking idear I ever heard."
Masshole Two: "Now wait a minute, Sully. Think about this for a second. What better way to say ‘Fahk You’ to the Tea Act then by dumping tea into the hahbah? And dressing up as Indians, in addition to being a generally fun idea, will give us not only a disguise but if people see us, they’ll blame in Indians. Lastly, go Sox."
All Massholes: "SOX!"
Masshole One: "I guess you’re right, Tom. Fahk the Tea Act, fahk the British, and fahk the Yankees! Let’s get out those headdresses and hit the hahbah! DUUUUUHHHHDDDD!!!!"
All Massholes: "DUUUUUHHHHDDDD!!!!"
******
[Germany, 1936]
Guy One: "Man, I don’t know about this whole ‘Nazism’ thing."
Guy Two: "Actually, I think it’s pretty good."
Guy One: "Really? Even the all that stuff about killing the Jews and Gypsies?"
Guy Two: "Well, the Jews, I got nothing against them – I mean, have you gotten a blowjob from a Jewish broad?"
Guy One: "Oh yeah."
Guy Two. "Yowza."
Guy One: "Barukh ata – hey yo!"
Guy Two: "So yeah, Jewish girls give good head – no doubt. And yes, the Nazis are anti-Jew. Fine. But let me ask you this: When was the last time you met a good Gypsy? Huh? And the Nazis have a lot of other very good pro-Germany policies. You talk about world domination built from a master race and I’m not only listening, I’m signing up."
Guy One: "You know what? You’re right - I’m gonna sign up too. I have a feeling this is going to work out real well. Besides, I bet some of the girls in the master race will give some pretty mean blowjobs."
Guy Two: "Totally."
******
Spot me just one woman who’s willing to have a threesome, and I’ll show you a Jason Mulgrew, locked in a bathroom in the penthouse room of the Union Square W Hotel, desperately tugging on his flaccid penis, screaming, "C’mon! It’s showtime! Don’t do this to me! You asshole! C’MON!" as two drunk women make out on the bed outside the bathroom. I can promise you this.
(That email address, once again ladies, is jason@jasonmulgrew.com. Thank you for your consideration.)
************************
I feel that 2008 will be a year of great change. I will move, since I can’t afford a third year of living by myself in a two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan. And I’d like to say that, as this is my 30th year on the planet, I’d like to possibly get a girlfriend, but that not only sounds terribly pathetic but is also a pretty big goal; perhaps I should start smaller with a resolution, like to actually try when I kiss a girl and view it as an activity in and of itself, rather than something to do for a predetermined amount of time before putting my hand on her boob. Baby steps.
Otherwise, booze, religion and sex. That about covers my goals for 2008. Wish me luck.
So instead, let’s focus on what 2008 holds. I’m going to keep it very simple this year and go with only three resolutions, all of which (I think) are very attainable.
1) Find a bar. I am jealous of my friend Brendan, who lives in Hoboken. Not because he lives in Hoboken – Lord, the idea of being jealous of someone because they live in Hoboken is laughable – but because he has a neighborhood bar. Somewhere between once a day and once a week on his way home from work, Brendan will pop into his local bar, relax, chat with the bartender, have a beer or two (or several more), and then head home.
This, to me, sounds like heaven. To get home from a hard day of work, to alleviate stress by sitting alone at a bar, sipping a pint of good beer – I have an erection as I write this right now. Well, now it’s gone. Wait – it’s back. (I don’t type fast enough to keep up with the mood swings of my penis.)
The problem is that I do not live in Hoboken, which has a bar seemingly every 20 feet, but rather in Chinatown/Little Italy, which, I would argue, has fewer bars per square block than any other neighborhood of Manhattan. And what bars there are are either grossly Italianized dives that cater to tourists or strictly for local Chinamen. So I’m out of luck.
However, there is hope. Every day, I walk to and from work in the Financial District. There are plenty of bars in the Financial District, but part of the point of a "neighborhood" bar is a place that I can drink at and then stumble home, without needing to take a cab or walk 25 minutes. So I turn my sights to a new area: Tribeca. There are a number of shitty dive-like bars in Tribeca on the west side of Broadway, an locale that I rarely venture into.
Thus my #1 resolution: Find a bar in Tribeca near my apartment that I can hit after work, get a little soused alone, then walk home from. Maybe it says something about my ambition or alcoholism or misanthropy that this is my main goal for 2008. Or maybe it says I’m awesome. I think we all know the correct answer.
2) Get religious. As many of you know, God and I have been trying to destroy each other since 1994. To be honest, I don’t even remember what our initial feud was about - I think it started at a barbeque at my Uncle Mikey’s house in Jersey – but it’s been a back and forth battle throughout the years. On the one hand, I’ve risen from a poor, chubby, possibly homosexual child and teen to an adult with a lovely apartment in the heart of New York City, furnished with books and nice things. Me 1, God 0. On the other hand, I just went three days with my cable shut off because I couldn’t pay the bill and shortly before writing this post googled "medical experiments in NYC" to see if I could get paid for ingesting pills or otherwise sacrificing my body. God 1, Me 1/2. Also, I’m pretty sure only one of my testicles works anymore. God 2, Me 0.
But something is happening in my heart – and I don’t mean physically or biologically (I think). I’m starting to think about life and wondering if there’s more to it than drinking cans of Bud and watching "Jackass" and "Wildboyz" and using a blog as leverage to score naked pictures of readers of said blog (many of these pictures are not exactly tasteful, either).
And while I haven’t started attending Mass or anything, I – and I don’t even know how to write this without sounding weird – have been spending more time in churches. There are a lot of open churches of all denominations around city, including the areas of my weekly walks. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been stopping in these churches, checking them out, sitting down for a spell, just totally hanging out. I don’t know why. I think that it’s clear that I’m either approaching a mental breakdown or a newfound interest in religion. Since I’d like to stave off the mental breakdown for as long as possible – only because hearing about it would cause about six of my ex-girlfriends to say, "Ah ha! I could’ve told you that was coming!" – I think I’m going to figure out religion and what I think about it. I haven’t approached God yet about burying the hatchet and I don’t know exactly what I’m going to say to Him, but I hope He’s not a dick about it, which is really a 50-50 possibility (He can be kinda stubborn and vengeful).
3) Have a threesome. Every year, this is a resolution. And so far, nada.
But c’mon – this has to happen for me eventually, and 2008 is as good a year as any. The reason? Previously, I’ve been sitting around, doing nothing, hoping a threesome would fall conveniently in lap, that one night I’d be out at a bar and two girls would be drunk (and poor) enough for me to convince them into it, or one day an email would pop up in my inbox from one of you saying that you live in NYC and your friend is visiting from California and the two of you would be interested in a night in a swanky hotel room filled with Cognac and expensive booze and plush robes and wildflowers from Asia and the finest pornography the hotel has to offer so yes, let’s get together from some fun, in the nude, drunk as mad monkeys, all three of us, because the physical manifestation of love is magic, and magic is wonderful, and what’s the big deal anyway because it’d be a good story, something you could say you did, and above all, in conclusion, to recapitulate, making out is fun.
But this has yet to happen. And as the days go by, the odds of it happening are only decreasing (unless I hit the lottery or otherwise become rich and famous – without committing a felony). If I want to have a threesome, I’m going to have to actually work for it. I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to work for it, but I do have some ideas. Of course, none of them are very good and most involve a secret "love elixir" that I have been unsuccessfully trying to develop over my lunch break for the past eight weeks, but the point is that I’m trying and not just wishing.
I’m convinced of one thing – and tell me if I’m wrong here - if I had one willing participant, one girl willing to do it, I am pretty sure that I could get another girl fairly easily. If we’ve learned anything from the "Girls Gone Wild" series, it’s that women, plied with enough booze to kill a donkey and with moderately-serious daddy issues, will do certain things that didn’t think they were capable of. Also, humankind and history is filled with the examples of "I’ll do it if you do it" behavior:
[Plains of Africa, 150 million years ago]
Homonid One: "Look at Josh over there, walking upright. What a strange guy. He kinda creeps me out."
Homonid Two: "I don’t know, Ron…maybe Josh is on to something."
Homonid One: "What?"
Homonid Two: "I mean, my hands are getting pretty chipped up, using them as feet and all. And my back is fucking killing me. Maybe walking upright is not such a bad idea."
Homonid One: "Man - sorry, ‘Nid – I don’t even know who you are anymore, Steve. When did you get so freaky? And does Sarah know you want to try this?"
Homonid Two: "All I’m saying is, just try it. If you don’t like it, you can always go back to quadrupedal locomotion."
[Homonid Two (Steve) stands and walks a few feet. Homonid One (Ron) stands a walks a few feet next to him.]
Homonid One: "Yeah, this might work."
Homonid Two: "I think so."
******
[Town hall near Boston Harbor, 1773]
Sam Adams, Masshole Leader: "…And that’s the plan."
Masshole One: "Hold on – just hold on one fahking minute, duhd. Yaw saying that we’re going to dress up as Indians, board the ship, and drop all the fahking tea into the Hahbah. Right? Is that what yaw saying? Because if it is, it’s the dumbest fahking idear I ever heard."
Masshole Two: "Now wait a minute, Sully. Think about this for a second. What better way to say ‘Fahk You’ to the Tea Act then by dumping tea into the hahbah? And dressing up as Indians, in addition to being a generally fun idea, will give us not only a disguise but if people see us, they’ll blame in Indians. Lastly, go Sox."
All Massholes: "SOX!"
Masshole One: "I guess you’re right, Tom. Fahk the Tea Act, fahk the British, and fahk the Yankees! Let’s get out those headdresses and hit the hahbah! DUUUUUHHHHDDDD!!!!"
All Massholes: "DUUUUUHHHHDDDD!!!!"
******
[Germany, 1936]
Guy One: "Man, I don’t know about this whole ‘Nazism’ thing."
Guy Two: "Actually, I think it’s pretty good."
Guy One: "Really? Even the all that stuff about killing the Jews and Gypsies?"
Guy Two: "Well, the Jews, I got nothing against them – I mean, have you gotten a blowjob from a Jewish broad?"
Guy One: "Oh yeah."
Guy Two. "Yowza."
Guy One: "Barukh ata – hey yo!"
Guy Two: "So yeah, Jewish girls give good head – no doubt. And yes, the Nazis are anti-Jew. Fine. But let me ask you this: When was the last time you met a good Gypsy? Huh? And the Nazis have a lot of other very good pro-Germany policies. You talk about world domination built from a master race and I’m not only listening, I’m signing up."
Guy One: "You know what? You’re right - I’m gonna sign up too. I have a feeling this is going to work out real well. Besides, I bet some of the girls in the master race will give some pretty mean blowjobs."
Guy Two: "Totally."
******
Spot me just one woman who’s willing to have a threesome, and I’ll show you a Jason Mulgrew, locked in a bathroom in the penthouse room of the Union Square W Hotel, desperately tugging on his flaccid penis, screaming, "C’mon! It’s showtime! Don’t do this to me! You asshole! C’MON!" as two drunk women make out on the bed outside the bathroom. I can promise you this.
(That email address, once again ladies, is jason@jasonmulgrew.com. Thank you for your consideration.)
************************
I feel that 2008 will be a year of great change. I will move, since I can’t afford a third year of living by myself in a two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan. And I’d like to say that, as this is my 30th year on the planet, I’d like to possibly get a girlfriend, but that not only sounds terribly pathetic but is also a pretty big goal; perhaps I should start smaller with a resolution, like to actually try when I kiss a girl and view it as an activity in and of itself, rather than something to do for a predetermined amount of time before putting my hand on her boob. Baby steps.
Otherwise, booze, religion and sex. That about covers my goals for 2008. Wish me luck.
